Please God, let me take his place
Disclaimer: I do not own Queer as Folk or any of the characters, they belong to Showtime and Cowlip.
A/N: Sorry for the bad times guys, I just need to drag this out a little bit, not only to outline Brian's condition but also to built on his relationship with his Sunshine. It's not so much about the cancer but more about how the cancer is affecting them. Like the main theme of this story isn't about cancer, it's about understanding. Hope you enjoy x
Chapter 11: Powerless
B POV
"There you go Mr. Kinney." The woman in the drug store said to me, handing me a prescription packet. I took it gingerly and placed it carefully in my coat pocket.
"Thank you." I told her, I didn't have the energy to be sarcastic. This is what my fucking life had come too.
"You have a nice day now." She smiled, all teeth, very sympathetically at me. I gave her a strange kind of smile and walked out of the drug store, stuffing my hands in my pockets. Just my fucking luck to get cancer in the middle of winter when I don't have the strength to make any body heat of my own. I tried not to get pissed off. I wasn't an idiot, I knew I was spending most of my time being pissed off, and crucially spending most of my time being pissed off at Justin. Now he got out with Daphne a lot more it wasn't so bad, I wanted to get him away from my cancer but I also wanted to get him away from my temper. But the weirdest, most insignificant things were annoying the shit out of me, because of all the pent up anger I had because of my condition, most likely.
But that woman...I knew okay...I knew that I looked pale, and tired and people weren't thick, they could put two and two together but why did they all have to smile at me like I was fucking dying...
because you are...
My hand flew to my hair as my brain shouted this out to me and I made a low humming noise. I dunno why, but moving somehow and making some kind of noise makes me forget...like a distraction from my stupid head.
My own head is my own worst enemy.
I reached the 'Vette and climbed into the drivers seat and for the first time since I'd gotten the car I wished I had my Jeep back. Why did the 'Vette have to be so far down? I got a pulling shooting pain in my stomach every time I got in. I didn't tell Sunshine about it, because he'd probably start up some crap about me not driving.
It was at this point that I realised how obsessed I was getting. Every thought I had was about cancer or something related to it.
I needed to think of something else...
something else...
something else...
maybe these new painkillers I'd just picked up would be more effective than the last ones...fuck. I'm not good at this.
Fuck this shit.
I slammed the door to the loft open and regretted it immediately. The pulling pain in my side back again, I cursed. Loudly, before shedding my coat quickly and heading straight to my bed. I had nothing to do, no one to see and Sunshine wasn't back for ages. I was too fucking tired to stand around all day and pass out like some kind of lesbian.
My jacket and jeans hit the floor with a dull, lazy clunk.
Dull and lazy...my two new favourite words.
I fell onto the bed and let out a painful groan, I needed to be more gentle with myself. At least when there's no one around to see.
Gym's...ha remember those? All that exercising, moving...just being able to walk around without hurting or being so god damn exhausted I had to sleep all the time. My head hit the pillow and I stared at the ceiling, sighing heavily.
I knew I had to move, but I really didn't fucking want to. I groaned again, resigned to my fate of having to move.
Apparently cancer makes you overly dramatic.
I rolled onto my side and leant down over my bed and fished around half-blind for my jacket. When I'd found it I dragged it onto the bed, more out of being lazy really than being tired. I stuffed my hand into the pocket and pulled out the painkillers I'd just collected. I didn't bother with the instructions and just downed a couple. I leant back against the bed and felt my head hit the pillow again.
I sighed again, sighing was becoming my whole vocabulary.
I knew where this was gonna go, I was gonna have some crazy ass dream 'cause of the painkillers. I was so used to it now that my dreams didn't really shock me, you just kinda go along with it until you wake up. 'Sides, whatever dream you have you don't have cancer. Might even be nice to go back to that Sunshine land again, I was pretty awesome there...
I felt sleep take me, the way it always does. It's not natural sleep. Your drowsy from drugs and so fucking exhausted. My eyes actually hurt. I knew instantly when I was dreaming, it was like I was half-there and half-not.
My bed turned into something...else. Something I couldn't put my finger on, it was comfy though. I ran my fingers beside me and could feel grass sliding between them. I sat up immediately, and looked around the meadow I was sat in. All blue sky and apple grass. I tried not to roll my eyes.
I was dreaming about a meadow?
I was definitely gay.
"Hey, Brian. Are you alright?"
I turned to the side and saw him sitting next to me. I don't know who he was, just a figment of my imagination. It didn't even surprise me that he knew my name. He was a bit blurry and I couldn't pinpoint his exact features except that he was sat beside me.
"I'm fine." I said simply, facing directly in front of me while I replied.
"How are you feeling today?" He asked kindly, and I shrugged.
"Not bad, I'm tired. Really tired."
"Maybe you should sleep?" His voice sounded concerned and I laughed.
"What do you think I'm doing?" I asked rhetorically, he didn't reply for a long moment.
"Brian...I know you're tripping out..."
I laughed again. "Well, you should." I replied.
"I just...don't want you to have to feel like you have too, just to escape. I know how scared you are, Brian. You're not normally this scared..." I hugged my knees to my chest uncharacteristically. I guess I didn't mind talking to this guy. I knew I could open up because he wasn't real.
"What are you talking about?" I replied, "I've always been scared. There's always been something in my life to keep me on edge."
"Really?" His voice sounded surprised. "It never showed..."
I shrugged again. "I just learnt to hide it, take it from me, though, there will always be something out there...I remember when I was just a kid...my Dad, he, he hated me, I think. He used to hit me and..." I shifted uncomfortably, scratching my elbow, not even sure why I was saying all of this.
"He didn't even know I was gay, so it's not like I had any excuse, you 'no? Not like I could say "my Dad treats me like shit because...", he just didn't like me personally. And my Mom, she just used to..do nothing. She convinced herself she was protecting me but she never did a fucking thing..."
I jumped slightly as I felt an unexplainable tear slide down my face.
"Brian...I never knew...I'm, so sorry."
I laughed slightly. "No one really knows," I told him, "I don't like to talk about it. But what I mean is...I spent a lot of my childhood being afraid. I thought that when I got older that would stop."
"I'm sure things will get better." Said the voice, optimistically.
"They did." I assured him, "they really did. I was lucky, see..." and there I was, babbling on about myself again. "I met Michael...my best friend. And Lindsay, this girl I know. And I have this beautiful son..." I laughed to myself as I saw their faces in my mind.
The laughter quickly died down.
"They don't know. They don't know that I'm sick, that I'm weak."
"You're not weak!" He said, rather abruptly, and I turned to face him for the first time.
"Yes, I am!" I pressed, before turning away again. "I know I am." I admitted to myself. "I just, don't want them to know. Not just about the cancer but about the fear. This spine tingling fear that consumes you, in such a way I can't describe it..." I stared on ahead. "I don't...want to tell them how scared I am...I don't even want to tell Justin."
"Justin?" The voice suddenly cut in again, sounding shocked.
I couldn't help but smile.
"Yeah. My little Sunshine," I laughed. "He's just...amazing, you 'no? I mean, everything he's done..." I leant my chin on my hand and smiled a little. "He's the reason I'm doing this, you 'no. Fighting this. I can't leave him on his own, that' not fair."
"He's lucky to have you." Said the voice, sounding like it was crying. I turned to the mystery man again, but as I couldn't see his face properly I had no idea if he was crying or not.
"Its...more complicated than that." I told him slowly. "I don't know, if Justin loves me any more. Because of the cancer."
My head snapped back to the man again as I was sure I was hearing more stifled sobs. But I still couldn't tell.
"I think...I think Justin loves you, very, very much." He assured me, placing a hand on my shoulder. I smiled slightly to myself at the contact.
"Do you think?" I asked, more to myself than him, as my crazy dream warped into something different.
J POV
I opened the door to the loft and kicked my shoes off as I walked in. I put my bag down on the table and was about to call out until I saw Brian's coat on a crumpled heap on the floor. I walked to it and picked it up and folded it carefully, placing it on the counter.
"Brian?" I called out slowly. Walking to the bedroom. I felt terrible about having to leave Brian on his own for long periods of time. I never knew when he might need me...
I let out a sigh of relief when I saw Brian on the bed, seemingly fast asleep and completely safe. He was only lying in his top and underwear, he'd probably just fallen into bed. I looked over his still form...he looked so weak all of the time...but his skin, it still slightly radiated the muscle and deep tan that was Brian Kinney, almost like a shadow.
My train of thought stopped as my eyes landed on the bottle of pills lying next to Brian on the bed, I sat down slowly and picked up the bottle. They were just painkillers, Brian was just sleepy from painkillers. Crisis averted.
I looked at Brian again and was about to run my hand along his cheek when his eyelids fluttered slightly, I moved slightly closer to him on the bed, unsure whether he was asleep or not.
"Hey, Brian. Are you alright?" I asked softly. His head turned slightly to face me but he didn't open his eyes, he then turned his head back.
"I'm fine." He replied, sounding tired but okay.
He was awake.
"How are you feeling today?" I asked gently, he made a movement in the bed that I suppose was a shrug, he hadn't opened his eyes to look at me yet. He must have been exhausted, I felt terrible.
I just wanted to take it away, take it all away. I think it was just because of how strong Brian was, as a person and as a personality. But he would get back to his old self in no time, I assured myself.
Brian could fight anything.
Brian was a superhero.
My hero.
"Not bad, I'm tired. Really tired."
"Maybe you should sleep?" I said, concerned. Wondering how long it would take him to drift off, maybe I could coax him into eating something?
"What do you think I'm doing?" He asked rhetorically, grinning slightly. I looked away and grinned for a second. Feeling bad though, I didn't want to keep Brian awake. But I knew his painkillers did funny things to him...
"Brian...I know you're tripping out..."
He laughed again. "Well, you should." He replied. And he was right, too. I cleared my throat again, wondering how I could word my next sentence without pissing him off. Maybe he wouldn't care because he was so tired? I could hear it in his voice. I kept telling myself to leave him in peace, but I just wanted to talk to him, hear his voice. Regardless of whether he was angry or not.
It's strange how much you can miss a person you spend everyday with.
"I just...don't want you to have to feel like you have too, just to escape. I know how scared you are, Brian. You're not normally this scared..."
He shifted slightly on the bed again, kind of curling himself up into a ball. That wasn't something Brian did. Or at least not something he'd let me see him do, he just must be so exhausted.
"What are you talking about?" he replied suddenly. "I've always been scared. There's always been something in my life to keep me on edge."
What? Brian had always been...what could Brian Kinney be afraid of? He tamed the entire world.
"Really?" I asked, surprised.. "It never showed..." Or you just never let it. I stopped for a minute as it suddenly occurred to me how lonely it must be to be strong.
He shrugged slightly again. "I just learnt to hide it, take it from me, though, there will always be something out there...I remember when I was just a kid...my Dad, he, he hated me, I think. He used to hit me and..." he shifted uncomfortably, scratching his elbow, I couldn't even understand why he was telling me all of this.
"He didn't even know I was gay, so it's not like I had any excuse, you 'no? Not like I could say "my Dad treats me like shit because...", he just didn't like me personally. And my Mom, she just used to..do nothing. She convinced herself she was protecting me but she never did a fucking thing..." I stared at Brian for a long time as an unexpected tear slid down his face. I never knew...I always knew Brian never liked his family, but...how could this man, this amazing man be treated so cruelly? Suddenly, all of Brian's withdrawal, issues, anger, everything...it seemed to make sense.
"Brian...I never knew...I'm, so sorry." I really meant it, I was so sorry. I wished against God that I could stop that from happening as well.
That's one of the hardest things. Loving someone with all of your heart and being powerless to help them.
Brian actually laughed again! "No one really knows," he told me, seemingly indifferent now. "I don't like to talk about it. But what I mean is...I spent a lot of my childhood being afraid. I thought that when I got older that would stop."
It will stop, Brian. I promise. I'll make it stop. Screw being powerless, Brian needs me.
"I'm sure things will get better." I assured him, trying to sound optimistic.
"They did." He assured me, like he was proving a point, "they really did. I was lucky, see... I met Michael...my best friend. And Lindsay, this girl I know. And I have this beautiful son..."
Wait, why was Brian describing everyone to me? Although, I did make a mental note to have Brian see Gus soon. That would really help him.
He laughed to himself for a moment but the laughter quickly died down. "They don't know. They don't know that I'm sick, that I'm weak."
"You're not weak!" I said, rather abruptly, not caring that he was giving me information I already knew.
"Yes, I am! I know I am." He admitted, sounding downbeat. "I just, don't want them to know. Not just about the cancer but about the fear. This spine tingling fear that consumes you, in such a way I can't describe it..."
I hung my head slightly and didn't reply. I knew how scared Brian was, I just didn't know what I was supposed to do...and it honestly broke my heart.
"I don't...want to tell them how scared I am...I don't even want to tell Justin." My head suddenly snapped out of it's reverie. What, did he just say?
"Justin?" I suddenly asked, unable to process anything else.
Brian...he must have been asleep, that's why he wasn't opening his eyes. It suddenly dawned on me that Brian probably didn't know he was talking to me, that why he was telling me all of this.
I looked at Brian to see him smiling.
"Yeah. My little Sunshine," he laughed. "He's just...amazing, you 'no? I mean, everything he's done...He's the reason I'm doing this, you 'no. Fighting this. I can't leave him on his own, that's not fair."
"He's lucky to have you." I said, feeling the tears slowly falling down my face.
Brian could make me cry like no one else could.
"Its...more complicated than that." he said after a moment, stressing every word. "I don't know, if Justin loves me any more." He sighed. "Because of the cancer."
My head snapped back to Brian as I sobbed again. Where in the fuck was Brian getting these ridiculous ideas from? I took a deep breath and tried to calm myself, stop my tears.
"I think..." I began slowly, "I think Justin loves you, very, very much." I assured him, and I couldn't resist putting my hand on his arm and stroking softly, meaning every single word.
Brian needed to know this, know that he hadn't lost me. I almost cried again when I saw Brian smiling slightly again.
"Do you think?" He asked softly, more to himself than me, I watched as his head sank more comfortably into the pillow and after a few minutes his breathing shallowed. Brian had definitely fallen asleep this time. I inched closer to him on the bed and put my arms around him.
And then I settled into what had become normal to me now.
I would watch him sleep every single night, praying that I could take his place.