AN: Just a little bit of smut at the end. I can't help myself. I do try.

11. SURGE

Hermione woke in Severus' bed, but he was not beside her. She called out to him but there followed no reply. He wasn't in his quarters, nor was he in the Great Hall for breakfast.

"Minerva" she said, gently, approaching the teacher's table. "Have you by any chance seen Sev- Professor Snape?"

"I can't say I have. If I see him, shall I tell him you're looking for him?"

Hermione considered this.
"No, it's fine- thank you."

She threw herself into her responsibilities, as when she had something to do, or something to read, she could put the thought of Severus' absence to the back of her mind. She worked on perfecting healing draughts in the potions classroom all morning, yet there was still no sign of him. He was due to teach fifth year Defense that afternoon and so he would have to turn up somewhere eventually, she figured. Unless he had been called to You Know Who's side. Or perhaps he had gone again to the Lestranges? Is he in trouble?

Still, she couldn't ignore the gut feeling that he was evading her on purpose. That he was fine by all accounts - except for a wound to his pride. Hermione headed to lunch in the great hall; perhaps he would be there. She passed Professor Dumbledore in the corridor and nodded politely when he said 'Miss Granger'. She allowed him to walk by her, until the need to ask the question burning inside her overwhelmed her desire to seem put together in front of this greatest of wizards.

"Sir" she said- her voice in a quiver.

"I have already told you that you can call me by my name, Miss Granger"

"You still call me 'Miss Granger'"

"You are quite right, Miss Granger. Alas, I am quite rushed and I trust you have a question for me that does not concern the ways in which we address each other. Perhaps it pertains to a particular surly, raven-haired professor?"

"Do you know where he is?"

"Severus has taken the day off. He claims he is sick. He has never once been sick in all the years I have known him, however so I believe, but I can't be sure, that he has taken the day to prepare for what I imagine will be a long and dreadful night."

Something in the way Dumbledore said these words, put it to Hermione that perhaps he knew more about what Snape's 'dreadful night' would entail than she liked. It unsettled her.

"He's going to the Lestranges again tonight?"

"Yes, that is what I gather."

"Is he on the school grounds?"

"I believe so, but I could not tell you exactly where. In fact, I would very much like to get my hands on Harry's map. Maybe you could persuade him to relinquish it, so that I can keep an eye on everything that happens on school grounds-"

"Are you nervous, Sir?" Hermione asked.

There was a definite note of fear in his voice.

"Do you think that Hogwarts could be infiltrated?"

"I couldn't say either way but I would be remissed not to take all precautions. Especially with Severus so close to either a vital victory or spectacular failure."

"Should I worry about him?"

"Are you not already?" he asked, as if he knew that her heart pounded and increased in exponential increments the longer Severus stayed gone.

"So he hasn't gone to the Lestranges yet?"

"Not to my knowledge. Not that he has informed me of much lately. He tells me the minimum. I imagine that he is upset with me."

Hermione made a non-committal nod.

"I believe our old nemesis Bellatrix requires him for the night, so it would be far too early-"

"How much do you know about this mission you are sending him on?", she interrupted, with a snip. "It sounds to me as though you are aware of the danger he puts himself in each night".

She spoke with an accusatory tone that surprised her. However Dumbledore either did not notice or he paid it no mind.

"I have my suspicions and I am saddened by them. However, Severus is a man with his own will and he will do what he believes is best."

"With all due respect, Sir, I think that he does whatever you believe is best."

"What makes you say that?"

Hermione shrugged.
"Just an assumption"

"Well, let us not assume. Let us stick with facts for the moment, Miss Granger, shall we? Fact: I do not know where Severus is. Fact: I do not know what he has planned for tonight. Fact: Whatever it is will no doubt be crucial, and highly valued by The Order."

Hermione snorted in derision and then caught herself.
"Sorry", she said with discernible reluctance. "I- I suppose you're right."

"I hope that you find him, Miss Granger. And I hope that he recognises what he has in front of him."

"What do you mean?"

Dumbledore flashed a knowing smile.
"I'm afraid I must bid you goodbye, Miss Granger. Please feel free to stop by my office any time you so wish to chastise me again. I will be sure in future to have more time to entertain your vexation."

Unsure whether she was being encouraged or scolded, Hermione struggled for a response. Not that it mattered, as Dumbledore continued down the corridor and disappeared in a flurry of glittering emerald robes.

Hermione made her way to the Great Hall, and sat at the very end of the training staff table, where she and the other trainees ate their lunch. As she tucked into her soup, grateful for it after picking at her breakfast, she heard the unmistakable gruff smoke of Severus' voice in the corridor. He came into the hall and scanned up to where she sat. Their eyes met from across the expanse; Snape turned on his heel, quick as a cat, and stormed off. Abandoning her dinner, she took off after him, trying in vain not to draw too much attention to her desperate run.

"Severus! Hold on a minute!" she yelled, as the large bat-like figure disappeared down a staircase.

She hoped that he was heading for his quarters, or the Potions classroom, yet she found him in neither. She felt red flash behind her eyes. It was pathetic. The stubborn ox was going to continue to make a fool of her. It occurred to her then, that perhaps it had not been Severus who had made a fool of her last night. It was quite plausible that she had managed that all by herself. She had thought - been so sure - that he'd wanted her. He had been present and it was he who had moved first at Shell Cottage, after all. She had given him the weekend to think on what she offered and he had returned to her.

Of course, it was entirely possible that she had pushed him into something that he was potentially not ready for. What the hell had come over her? Had she been too pushy; too needy? At least, she thought, Severus too had been vulnerable and desperate. If he felt embarrassed, he could at least face her so that they could be embarrassed together. They could talk it through, tease each other; find the humour in their humiliation.

When she finally stopped searching for him, she found him. He sat at his old desk in the Potions classroom; his back stiff in the chair. It was the early hours of the evening and he had no reason to be here.

"You know this isn't your classroom anymore, Severus? It's mine."

He nodded solemnly.
"I know. I find comfort here. It is familiar."

"I looked everywhere for you..."

"Hermione, has it occurred to you at all that maybe I have been so difficult to locate because I did not want to be found?"

"That was my first thought, yes. However then I realised that after spending the night with someone, it would be both childish and rude to give them the cold shoulder the next day, and so I figured that it couldn't possibly be that, since you're a grown man who is-"

"Very witty" he interrupted. "How quick you are, Granger."

Hermione pressed her lips together in a tight line and gave him a curt smile.
"I wanted to speak with you."

"I'm not stopping you."

Severus tucked his wand into his robes, and moved towards a shelf of glass bottles and vials filled with various potions, drafts and elixirs.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

"Fine."

"You're going to her tonight aren't you?"

"Yes."

"How are you feeling?"

"Why I can hardly wait-"

"Stop it."

He turned back to face her, his face forlorn.
"How do you think I am feeling, Granger?"

"Yeah, okay."

Again he turned his back and began to pull bottles from the shelves. He dropped three healing potions into a tiny leather pouch.

"Undetectable extension charm?" she asked, in a bid to revive the conversation.

"Obviously."

Severus pulled another bottle from the shelf, unstoppered it, and drank it down.

"What was that?"

He kept his back to her.
"That, Granger... was a potion. You may have heard of them?"

Hermione took a breath.
"Are you quite done?"

He sneered at her, but she didn't rise to it.

"What potion was it? What is it for?"

"Temporary sterilisation."

Hermione's cheeks reddened, as she recalled his body; their bodies together. Had he taken it last night? She was lost in thoughts of their connection until she realised, to her horror, what his taking of the potion truly meant.

"The world does not need a child who is part miserable bastard, part heinous bitch. I am taking every precaution."

Hermione's face fell into lines of confusion.

"You're still going to give yourself to her?"

Severus turned to her; his face was more severe than ever she had seen it.
"Yes. I must."

"I don't want you to."

Hermione moved towards him, steeling herself to just reach out and take his hand; to hold him, as they had held each other last night. She wracked her brain for the words that would make him change his mind.

"There is always the option to simply walk away."

Snape's eyes narrowed- the sight of which filled Hermione with dread. She had said the wrong thing.

"Unfortunately for you, Miss Granger, one night of awkward and pitiful sex does not entitle you to a weighty opinion. I make my own decisions."

Hermione resisted the urge to contemplate his description of what she had thought was emotional and passionate night of- how else would you describe what they had done except... 'lovemaking'?

"That's what Dumbledore said."

"You've been speaking with the headmaster?" he asked. "About me?!"

His voice rose, brimful of spite.
"What tales, dare I ask, have you been telling? Did I not make it clear before that I do not want Albus to be involved."

"He's already involved and I didn't tell him anything he didn't already know. Which is to say that I didn't tell him anything at all. He knows a lot more than you think."

Severus blanched, but his eyebrows narrowed. A mixture of fear and pride and anger. His base emotions. He swallowed them, and threw something into the fireplace. A piece of parchment. A letter perhaps? Whatever it was, it curled and burned- and in an instant it was altogether something different - small, crisp and blackened. And then it was nothing.

"Fine", he said coldly. "Is that all?"

"Are we just going to pretend last night didn't happen?"

"I believe that would be ideal, yes."

Hermione stared mindlessly into the fire, watching the flames bite at the logs; golden sparks danced around the burnt wood. She searched herself for the fire she felt for Severus and watched as it suffocated. The candle she was carrying for him, extinguished with his words.

"If that's what you want. We don't have to mention it again."

"Good. I regret our... connection. Ideally it would not have happened at all. However it did. Acting as though it did not is the second best course of action."

Hermione's stomach dropped to her ankles. She gathered her thoughts, pulling it back to its rightful place.

"What exactly do you wish hadn't happened? Which connection to you regret? The physical connection? Or the emotional one? Is it not being vulnerable that has you so bothered?"

"I was not vulnerable..."

Snape made a step away from her. Hermione felt her heart quicken.
"... I was pathetic", he spat.

"No, Severus, you were honest. I am aware that's not something that comes naturally to you. Living in the pocket of the Dark Lord hardly lends itself to a lot of integrity."

"Fuck you" he flared. "I have integrity!"

Hermione marched towards him, with her finger raised in an accusatory manner.
"Don't fucking snap at me. I won't take it."

Oh, I get it.

She nodded her head as the pieces of the puzzle began to take the shape of the picture on the box.
"You know what, Severus? I don't even think that you're upset about what happened last night. I think you're upset about what will happen this night."

"Oh, is that right?"

"Yes. You lash out when you are scared and I think that right now... you're terrified."

He waved his hands in dismissal.

"Tell me I'm wrong!"

She took a step closer, so close that they could touch. And how desperately she wanted to. How easy it would be to put her arms around him. To tell him that no matter how many times he pushed her away, she would make her way back to him. The words turned to dust in her mouth.

"I should be going", Severus said.

His face filled with regret and Hermione's too, as she felt the second sting of realisation. This was happening. He was going to her. He would give himself to her so that she could not take it. Hermione's eyes pricked, but she would not let him see her cry. Not again. Severus looked as though he too could cry a river, but instead he pushed the fear into the box in the back of his mind where he kept all of the darkness and he pulled himself together.

"I will see you."

Snape pulled on his cloak and made to exit. Hermione felt a brush of warmth as the candle inside her reignited, and flickered.

"Severus?"

He stopped in the doorway.

"I can be here for you, tonight, if you need somebody", she said. "Even just as your friend, if that's what you want? Whatever you need, I'm here. Okay?"

Hermione placed her hands on his shoulders, in what she hoped was a gesture of friendship, yet her fingers moved before she was truly in control of herself. She urged herself to stop, but whatever part of her was in control now did not listen. All at once, her hands were in his hair and she locked her fingers. She grasped selfishly, as if holding him tight enough would make him belong to her. If he belonged to her then maybe he would stay. She felt the knocking of his heart. She wanted to answer its call. She wanted to let it inside.

They shared a look that Hermione didn't quite understand. All she knew was that her legs were quaking. She wanted to walk away from all of this tragedy - his hand in hers - go back to his room; repeat last night. Repeat it over and over until it was all that there was. She wanted to spare him from what he was about to do. She felt jealous, too. The idea of somebody else being in on the secret of Severus' body was too much to bear. It was something that had belonged only to her - it was her treasure - but tonight he would share it with someone else.

Except he didn't want to share it; he didn't want to go to her. And she had the nerve to be jealous of Bellatrix, when she knew exactly what it was she could do to him? Her heart ached and she was consumed with a feeling she had never really known; it could only be disgust - disgust with herself. She chastised herself; still all she wanted was to kiss him. She tried to stop herself. It wasn't right.

"I'm here for you", she said, and with hardly a conscious thought, she placed a kiss on his cheek.

To her delight, Severus sighed, and took hold of her flushed cheek in his hand. He moved to return the kiss to her lips. It was tentative at first- neither sure of their selves, but when the reality of their goodbye burst through, their mouths moved hurried and frenzied, as though it was the last kiss they would share. Maybe it would be, Hermione thought. Severus pulled away. Was that it? Was that all there would ever be?

"If I don't go now, I'll never leave", he said.

"Then don't. Stay with me?"

Severus let out an exasperated sigh.
"God! Don't start again-"

"I don't want you to go. What is so wrong with that?"

"I don't want to fucking go, either, Hermione!" he snapped. "Have you yet to understand?! Every time you tell me to stay, I feel my feet root themselves to the ground. I feel my knees lock in place. But there is NO OTHER WAY!"

Snape slammed the door shut, locking them away inside his quarters.
"How many times do I have to tell you that although this is not ideal, it is necessary and I need you to please, PLEASE, just stop-"

"Stop what?!"

"Stop making me doubt myself. Stop making me consider that there could be another way. Stop making me think I have a choice! Stop dangling the possibility of a life I could have in which suffering such as this does not fall at my feet. Stop whatever this is."

He gestured to her face.

"Whenever you look at me like that, I want to surrender to you. It's not fair to either of us. I live a cursed life, Hermione. I have told you- I know who I am. You, however, are quite deluded. It is time that you wise up and figure out that whatever fantasy you are living in, in which I have a future free from this madness, is just that. Fantasy."

Snape swallowed so hard that she heard it.
"I know that is hard for you to hear. I think that you figure yourself my saviour, Hermione, but I cannot be saved and it is high time that you stopped trying."

Hermione's heart thumped below her chest. Her body shook with anger and longing.
"But-"

"Please stop" he said in a voice she didn't recognise. It was not his - it wasn't velvet, or ice, or gravel - it was saltwater.

"Please!" he begged. "I can't take it. You are being cruel to me."

"I don't mean-"

"I think you should leave."

Hermione conceded- accepting her defeat.
"Okay. I'll go."

She pulled open the door, but lingered in the doorway.
"I'm done trying, Severus", she said. "I'll see you around, okay?"

With that she disappeared out of his sight, giving him no chance to respond. If he was going to have the final say then she would at least be the one to have the last word.

Hermione sat on the end of her bed. She yearned to sleep. Her body urged her to climb under the sheets, but the pain in her chest wouldn't dissipate. Her mind flicked through all the possible outcomes of the evening- wondering which version was unfolding right now. It had been hours and there was no sign of Severus. After he had left, she had run to his quarters and charmed the door so that she would know if it opened. It had been difficult magic, but ultimately she knew that it was worth it. Severus had yet to return and Hermione felt physically sick with worry.

She jolted with a start when there came a knock- a hammering, more like - at her door. She wrapped her dressing gown around her, and the knocking came again; louder and more urgent even than before. She opened the door to the dark figure, curled into a broken ball like crumpled parchment, cradling itself at her feet.

"Severus?!"

She helped him to his feet and hurried him into her room. There was no blood this time, at least - no obvious sign of torture - and yet he had clearly suffered a fate just as terrible. Perhaps worse? His eyes were hollow and his face was thunderous. It was not like ever before. She had seen him angry; she had seen him hurting and embarrassed. But whatever this was, was something entirely new and it frightened her.

She led him to the bed and urged him to sit down. He tore his cloak from his body and pulled her towards him.
"Make it stop", he begged.

"Make what stop?"

"Take it away."

Severus gestured to his head wildly. His mouth had turned into a pathetic grimace and his hands shook as he moved them. He placed his trembling fingers on Hermione's face and pulled her close enough that she could smell his breath. Firewhisky, she thought, and a lot of it. He gestured again at his head.

"Take it. The memory. Please! Fucking take it."

"I can't, I don't know how. I can't do it safely."

"Fine, I'll do it", he grumbled, pulling his wand from his robes.

"Not like this! You could lose all your memories. Remember Lockhart?"

He cried into her chest.
"Fuck!"

"Tell me what you need and I'll help you."

"I need you."

Hermione stiffened. She thought she understood what he wanted.

"You said I could come to you with whatever I needed. I need you", Severus repeated.

He pulled her dressing gown open and began to kiss her breasts through the fabric of her nightie. He pawed at her, seeking release; he was urgent, but not rough. Still she hurt. Not at his hands, but for his heart.

"I need you."

This time his voice came with determination. He did not beg - it wasn't even much of a question - it was his bidding.

Her body prickled under his touch and she felt a swell of desire between them that was unfamiliar. This was primal. She groaned as he pulled off her nightie, and the sound was echoed by Severus whose groan became a moan of pain and he choked. He violently dried his tears with the sleeve of his robe and tore his trousers and boxers down around his ankles. Hermione kicked her underwear to the ground and allowed Severus to turn her away from him, guiding her hands down onto the desk so that she stood, bent over, and exposed to him. She felt fire from her fingertips against the desk, to her feet, spread on the floor. He placed his knee between hers to part them and she anticipated his force behind her. Instead his mouth came to her neck and he kissed her.

"I want her gone", Severus growled into her hair, "I want you. Only thoughts of you."

"Yes. Take it."

Severus pushed her gently further down so that her breasts were flat against the desk, and then with a single, gentle thrust he was inside her. He moved behind her with increasing intensity, as though he might be able to lose all trace of Bellatrix if he just kept going. Each stroke seemed to find its way deeper into her and every inch of him was a thrill. Her slipped a finger between her folds, seeking the button he knew would take her pleasure from 60 to 100. He found his target and circled her. Severus continued to build the speed and ferocity of his strokes until he grunted and pushed into her a final time. His body stuttered as he came to his peak.

"Don't stop" Hermione said, and Severus, static inside her, picked up the pace with his fingers; he moved quicker and quicker.

"Wait, that's too much" she said, gently.

He didn't seem to hear her.

"Severus, stop!" she demanded, pulling herself upward with all of the strength she could manage.

Snape snapped back to the situation at present. He dropped his hand immediately and pulled his limp member out of her. He moved backwards in retreat, so that she could turn to face him; to walk away if she wanted.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't... here. I was preoccupied. Oh fuck!"

He punctuated his curse with snarl of exasperation. He helped her away from the desk and held her.

"I'm so sorry", he begged of her, "forgive me."

"I understand."

Severus' eyes filled with tears. He roared in frustration; as sick as she was, she assumed, that misery kept creeping into these moments where it did not belong. Hermione leant back to the wall as he moved towards her and kissed her. His pace slowed and Hermione hoped that he had found what he had been searching for. His mouth was warm on her lips- he kissed her so deeply, it felt crucial. He put one hand on her cheek and rested his forehead against hers. He kissed her again. Hermione could taste the salt of his tears and tried to focus on the pleasure in her centre, rather than the pain on her edges, ready to envelop her if she lost focus. With his free hand he found his place back between her folds. She opened her legs for him, and he made love to her with his fingers. The pleasure deep in her core blossomed until she could hardly identify the heartache and the only thing in the world was Severus.

"I can show you?"

He needed no encouragement, as if he'd been waiting all this time for permission to enter; this was where he had truly been wanting to seek his comfort all this time. He didn't need a wand; he kissed her, and whispered, "Legilimens".

She wanted him to feel all of it. She needed him to understand that the only thing that she could see was him. He deserved to know that not only was he desired, but that he was everything to somebody if only for a moment in time. He would never believe it if he didn't see it for himself. As their minds connected, she pushed it all - all of the warmth and joy and magic she felt for him - and it crashed into him like a tidal wave. He didn't break his gaze, he looked only at her. Severus continued to work at her with his fingers, and kissed her with passion she'd only read about; spurred on by the knowledge of how she felt about him. Hermione twitched and came apart in his hands, with a moan of pleasure.

She felt a surge of love, then - pure and honest, but entirely uninvited. It swirled around her heart, moving from her chest to her throat, to her mind, and then towards him, just as he began to break their connection. She tried to keep hold of it, but it swelled and rushed towards him. She was no longer in control of her feelings for him. Shit, she thought and silently begged that the connection had broken before the lovely wave had crashed.

Hermione woke with Severus' arm flung across her bare chest. She turned towards him and nestled in the crook of his elbow. As she moved, she woke him, and his dark eyes opened. They beheld each other in the harsh light of the morning. Severus looked as if he held the weight of the world on his shoulders, and she was sure that no amount of 'comfort' would rid him of it. Still, they were together, and she would help him in whatever way she could. Severus pulled her into his chest. He kissed her hair and she ran her fingers along the slight curve of his waist and danced along the bones of his hips. She pulled backwards to look at him.

Neither spoke as they took each other in. Severus moved on top of her, and kissed her, sinking his tongue deep past her lips, finding hers and he rolled with her. She recalled with a terrible flash of memory from the night before, that she had relinquished to him her feelings of love.

And she did love him; there was no denying it.

He neither did nor said anything to suggest that he had witnessed it. He was either unaware or a brilliant actor. She hoped that the connection had closed in time, not because she did not want to tell him but because she knew that he was not ready to know. He wouldn't know what to do with it and he would definitely not return it. He would show her his own version of love in his own way. That was enough, she told herself. It had to be enough, because that was all there was and, most likely, all there would ever be.

Was it enough?

She felt his fullness against her thighs, and knowing, she parted them, so that he could show her his version of love. And it would just have to be enough.

AN: Don't make me beg for reviews, it's very unbecoming, hahaha.

Hope you're having a good weekend, wherever you are in the world.

You know you love me, XOXO - Gossip Snape.