Chapter Eleven

When Han woke up at noon the next day, his head felt like it was wrapped in packing material, and his mouth tasted like sand, neither thing made him happy. He opened an eye and squinted at the light, and immediately shut it, trying to control the pain that the brightness caused. He thought he heard his name, but that could be a hallucination too.

Where was he? He couldn't remember, but he wasn't being tortured now and that was good. He opened an eye again and felt a cool, soothing hand stroking his brow.

"Leia," he breathed, enjoying the illusion. " I've missed you so much."

"Han, I'm here." She gripped his hand more tightly, and waited for him to focus on her. When he did, he seemed confused.

"Leia? How can you be here? Isn't this some spice induced illusion?"

"No, Han. I'm here." She realized how fragile he was, but knew she couldn't tell him that because it would make him even more afraid of talking to her.

He blinked, and tried to reach out his hand to her but was met with resistance. He looked down and saw he was in restraints. His mood immediately turned to rage as he struggled against them.

"Fett! You low down, slimy bastard! Why don't you fight me like a man instead of taking the coward's way out?" he yelled, straining against his binding.

Leia was impressed by his strength despite his disabilities.

"Han," she said, trying to project calm to him but he didn't take notice. She knew the medics would be in here soon and probably sedate him again if he didn't calm down. "Han!"

He ignored her and struggled against his bonds, cutting the skin around his wrists in the process.

"Han!" she screamed at him both physically and with the use of the force.

He winced, but paused in his thrashing.

She poked at him again through their bond, through the crack he had left open when he had put up his shields many months ago. She tried to project her love for him, force it through the crack in his emotions so that he understood how much she still loved him.

"Leia?" He blinked, and regarded her. "Is it really you?"

"Yes, you stupid Nerf Herder," she worked to keep her voice steady.

"Tell me somethin' only you would know," he said, still suspicious.

"How about the fact I was a virgin when you first made love to me on the Falcon?"

"Hmm, half of the base could have guessed that, what else you got?" He had visibly relaxed though and a smile touched his lips.

"I asked you to hide under my desk, my very large desk at the Alderaanian Embassy, in order to avoid an unpleasant confrontation with unexpected news reporter. I didn't want to give them any more fuel for gossip. But you managed to almost sabotage that idea…"

"Couldn't help it, Sweetheart, I hadn't eaten lunch yet and I was…hungry." His eyes lit up and a smirk appeared on his face.

"There are other things you are supposed to eat for lunch…"

"Yeah, but I was proud of you. Lots of squirming, but you didn't give yourself away. You have a great Sabaac face you know?" He grinned at her and Leia smiled back.

Han frowned as he pulled against the restraints and gave her a questioning look.

"You don't remember?"

He shook his head.

"You were rather violent, last night. You punched out two medics before they sedated you."

"I did?" He shook his head. "Huh."

"It's okay. You're going to have memory lapses from time to time."

"For how long?

"I don't know, and the doctors don't know. You will have to take it one day at a time."

He laid back in bed and seemed to think about that for a while before he spoke. "I'm sorry."

"For what?"

"For being so messed up. It's bad, isn't it?"

"Yeah."

"It's wrong. I'm supposed to take care of you, take care of my family…" he frowned and ground his teeth together as if struggling to remember something. "Ben's okay?"

Leia nodded, heart pounding as she wondered what was about to happen.

Han closed his eyes, a sudden sharp pain erupting in his temples as he slammed his head back against the pillow in his bed, unable to stop the images from thundering through his mind.

The thoughts and images came at him too fast, too unfiltered. He saw images of he and Leia, Luke, Chewie, his life before joining the rebellion, bits of his life with Leia, a bright and shining young woman powerful in the force, a dark brooding man, both seemed familiar to him but he couldn't place them…and torture, endless agony and torture, Darth Vadar, the heat scan grid, carbonite, Fett… pain…

He put his hands to his eyes and shut them tightly, groaning.

"Han?" Leia didn't understand what was happening to him, so when she laid her hand on his arm she peeked into the crack of their bond and the amount of information he was receiving was enough to overload a sane mind, let alone one without force defenses.

Leia gently inserted herself into his mind and carefully put up a barrier, dulling the images and pain connected to what he was seeing, focused on relieving his pain.

With a grateful whimper, he mentally clung to her as his lifeline. She soothed his fears and banished his mental anguish, plenty of time to deal with that on another day. She felt him calm and breathed a sigh of relief as he slipped back into sleep, perhaps not the most restful, but at least one free of sedation.

She looked up as the medics hustled into the room and she realized it had only been a couple of minutes since he started to have the bad reactions. They regarded her with some suspicion but seemed satisfied after checking his readings and realizing he had fallen into a more natural sleep. They left her alone, and she held his large hand between the two of hers once again, and pushed a stray lock of hair away from his forehead.

"Han, you need to pull out of this, you know I can't go on without you, don't you? Fight you stubborn Corellian, fight! Come back to us…"

Han twitched restlessly in his sleep, and Leia quietly reached into his mind to soothe him once again.

For tonight it was enough to be with him, to hold his hand, to know he was back in her realm once again. There was a long torturous road ahead of him, but she would stand by him every step of the way just as he had always stood by her and her trials. And for tonight, she couldn't take Breha away from him, tonight she could only make sure he had a sound sleep and chase away the monsters that loomed at the edge of his consciousness.

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A month later, with her assistance, Han walked into their home. Leia had a welcome home party planned for him the next day, which he might hate, but she didn't care as there were many people happy about his recovery that wanted to express their concern and love to him.

But for today, he just needed to be home with her and Ben and to settle in once again. Susan would bring Ben by later and uncharacteristically Han was nervous about seeing his son again. She couldn't really blame him since it had been well over half a year since he had seen Ben.

They entered the Suite, and she felt Han sigh, it sounded as if all the air had gone out of a balloon, but when she looked at him, he finally seemed relaxed, and very tired.

"Han?"

"It's nothing, your Worship. Just a little tired."

"You shouldn't have been released this early."

"Leia, there's nothing wrong with me."

"I beg to differ. You're nowhere near full strength, you still have bouts of excruciating pain…"

"It's getting' better! I don't hurt all of the time!"

"You can't really walk without assistance."

"I can too!" He declared and he stepped away from her, giving her a look of indignation he wobbled on weak legs to the couch; and carefully sat down.

"Han, you should have stayed another week or two, you would recover faster." She studied him with concerned eyes.

"I couldn't, Leia." He looked up at her and his eyes were sad. "Don't you get it?"

She shrugged, indicating that no, she really didn't know.

"I will recover better at home with you and Ben around me instead of medical personnel and those damn droids hovering around me all of the time."

Her eyes softened as she regarded him.

"Tell me you wouldn't do the same thing?" He watched as a small smile touched her face and she finally nodded. "I just want to be home, Leia. It seems like forever since I've been here."

"Okay, Hotshot, I get it. But you do understand you were released under the condition that I employ a full-time nurse and a part time physical therapist. And you still need to go back and check in with the doctor when required."

He nodded and held up his hands, and grimaced. "I get it. I want to get stronger and back to normal too. I'll do my part," he grumbled.

"There's more, you know."

"Don't say it."

"I have to. You need to see a psychologist. You were released under those conditions as well."

Han regarded the floor with interest and remained silent. "How messed up am I?" He finally raised his face to look at Leia, and she saw the sadness and felt the fear within him that he was no longer quite 'right'.

"You're no worse off than when I lost Alderaan, or after my escape from the first Death Star."

Han swallowed, he remembered all too well the toll those things had taken on Leia, how hard she struggled to recover from that, the nightmares, sleepless nights, and hours of comfort she had found in the solace of his arms. It hadn't been pretty but he had been there for her. Now she carried those mental scars with her but she had learned to live with them, to overcome them and continue with her life. And when she couldn't cope, he had still been there for her.

"What are you saying?" He studied her with desperate eyes.

She sighed and went over to him, and sat down beside him on the couch. She moved over so that their thighs were touching, and placed her hand on his thigh. When he didn't look at her, she put her fingers under his chin, and turned his face towards hers until his gaze met hers.

"What I am saying, Han Solo, is that I love you unconditionally and I will do whatever I have to in order to help you."

"Leia, you don't have to…I can do this on my own…"

"Can you?" she raised a skeptical eyebrow. "I couldn't. I couldn't have come through my trials and tribulations without your help, without your support, without your love." She paused and took his hand and put it between the two of hers. "I thought I was strong enough on my own, but I was wrong. I needed you to help me." She smiled and felt a tear escape her eyes. "I wouldn't be here today, be sane without all that you have done for me. I wouldn't be here if you hadn't loved me the way you do."

"Ahh, Princess…" Han was at a loss for words as he brushed away the tears trailing down Leia's face. "Happy to help," he managed to say at last.

"Let me help you, Han. I can you know. I want to."

"Yes, Princess…" His eyes were downcast and he spoke softly. "I want to be everything…for you and Ben…but I'm afraid…I'm no longer…who you fell in love with…"

"Han." She paused, her gentle hands stroking his cheeks where tears were starting to ease out of his eyes. "I'm here. Let me help."

"Gods, Leia! I feel so broken…" he whispered and collapsed in her arms, burying his face against her chest as he held her tightly against him.

"Shh, it will be all right," she soothed as she felt him finally release his pain, knowing that he was finding solace in her embrace.

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The next morning there was a soft chiming at the door. Han had settled in to the softness of the sofa and was watching his favorite smash ball team as they thrashed their opponent. Leia had disappeared into the bedroom some time ago and hadn't come out yet.

The door chimed again, sounding almost impatient.+

"Leia!" Han called out to her, but didn't see or hear any sign of her.

With a deep sigh he hoisted himself to his feet and waited a moment so that he could steady himself, then he reached for his nearby cane and put it firmly in his hand as he had found it helped to support his right side, the leg that had been so badly broken. Though healing, the muscles were still weak.

The door chimed again.

"I'm comin'!" Han yelled to the door and slowly made his way over.

He undid the locks and opened the door, and gaped in astonishment. His son stood before him with both a scowl and an uncertain expression on his face, his nanny behind him. It seemed he had grown a foot since Han had seen him last.

"Ben!" Han wobbled forward and pulled his son to him in as big of a hug as he could manage.

"Dad! Stop! Please." Ben mumbled against Han's chest and pushed back against Han to free himself.

Han released him and hung onto his cane to steady himself. Both Ben and Susan regarded him with wariness.

"Are you all right, Mr. Solo?" Susan asked.

"I am now!" He cheerfully ruffled Ben's hair and only got a scowl in return.

"Ben, aren't you happy to see your Dad?" Susan nudged him towards Han.

Ben stopped and studied his father with an appraising eye and shrugged. "Yeah, I guess." He stepped past Han into the apartment. "Where's Mom?"

"Back in the bedroom." Han inclined his head. "She should be out soon."

"Okay," Ben turned and placed himself on the couch, seemingly content to watch the smashball game.

Han turned to Susan. "Thanks for watching him."

"No problem. I'm always happy to help out you and Leia." She paused, her face a mask of concern. "Are you all right, Mr. Solo?"

"Yeah, I'm doing okay. Thanks for asking."

"All right, I'll be on my way. Remember, call me if you need me."

Han nodded and closed the door behind her. Then he once again made his way over to the couch, carefully lowering himself down to sit beside Ben. They watched the game in silence for a few minutes until Ben spoke.

"Dad, what's wrong with you?" He turned and studied his father, a wrinkle creasing his brow.

Han chuckled, but it wasn't a happy sound. "Do you know what happened to me?"

"Some. I don't think Mom told me everything."

"That's because your Mom's smart. I don't think you need to know all of the details."

"Why not? I'm old enough. I'm not a little kid anymore."

"I know. You've grown while I was away."

Ben shrugged. "Not a big deal."

Leia walked in from the hallway, a smile spreading across her face at seeing her two men sitting on the couch together.

"Ben!" she held out her arms to her son and he got off the couch to give her a quick hug. "When did you get back?"

"A little while ago. Dad and me were watching smashball."

"You answered the door?" She gave Han a disapproving look.

"Yeah, I did. You were busy, and the door needed to be answered."

"But Han…"

"Leia, don't. I have to learn to do this stuff again or I'll never be able to do it."

"But…"

"Let me."

Reluctantly she nodded.

Ben frowned as he watched the interplay between his parents, and turned to his father again. "You still haven't told me what's wrong with you."

"Leia, what have you told Ben?"

"That the bounty hunter Boba Fett had taken you and Breha, and that he hurt you and sent Breha away." Leia said in a carefully neutral voice.

"How bad were you hurt?" Ben asked.

"Pretty bad, son." Han rubbed his cheek. "I had some broken bones, especially this leg, which is why I walk with a cane for now. My head got banged around pretty good and I had a concussion which didn't let me wake up for a long time. And there was some other stuff," Han refrained from going into detail about his internal injuries and other unpleasant things he didn't feel his son needed to know.

"Which is why I spent so much time at the med center with your father."

Ben nodded solemnly. "That sounds really bad. But you're doing better?"

Han nodded. "Yeah, Ben. I'm doing better. It may take a while to get up to full speed, but I'm doing better."

"Good." They stared at each other for a moment, and Ben fidgeted.

"Something else, Ben?"

"Yeah." He glared at his father. "Where's Breha? She left with you and Mom said she got sent away. But where is she?"

Han swallowed, suddenly unable to speak.

"We don't know where she is, Ben. We're looking for her," Leia said gently.

"You lost her, didn't you?" Ben gaped at Han, his expression incredulous.

"I didn't mean to," Han's hackles were coming up despite the fact he was talking to his young son.

"How could you lose her? She's littler than me!" Ben shrieked at him.

"I didn't mean to! They took her from me!" Han stood up, towering over Ben.

"You were supposed to keep her safe!"

The two males stared at each other for long moments, Han rubbing his hand over his face repeatedly in agitation, and Ben's face red from yelling.

"Ben, you shouldn't be yelling at your father. It wasn't his fault."

"But he let it happen!" Ben glared at his father and turned and stomped off to his room.

The silence in the room was deafening and heartbreaking at the same time.

Han who stood frozen, rooted to the spot he was standing in as if he was unable to move from it. He eyes were closed tightly and was muttering Breha's name over and over again as if saying it often enough would bring her back.

Cautiously, she walked over to him and touched his arm, but he shook her off, and stared at her with horrified eyes.

"Han, it's not your fault…"

"Then whose fault is it?" he whispered in a tortured voice.

"Ben's a child, he doesn't understand everything that happened…"

"To me? Maybe not. But he does understand I lost Breha…that I had a responsibility and I failed her…my little girl…" his voice broke with the weight of his emotion.

She curled her hand around his bicep and gave it a little squeeze.

"No," he shook off her hand again, and gathering his resolve gripped his cane and walked away from her, escaping to the balcony.

He needed some time alone, so she settled in a wing chair with a data pad where she could keep an eye on him through the glass doors, and very lightly feel him through their force bond. He needed to grieve and have some time to put himself back together. It was a drill she knew only too well.

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AN: Reviews are treasured! Thanks for reading.