Fair
She's not sure why she didn't see this coming. No Casablancas before has ever been interested in her as a sexual creature.
She didn't believe it had all been a front for the far too smart for everyone's good Cassidy. No there would have been easier ways, she had seen the conflict in his eyes before.
Like he wanted too but just couldn't, like he couldn't make himself take that from her too.
She's pulling out images out of the wood-grain when the bedroom door opens.
Turning slightly she sees Dick sliding shyly into the room, rubbing the back of his neck nervously.
To apologize? Doubtful if he had meant to apologize he would have done it sooner not three episodes later.
He must just need something in the room.
"You need something?" She asks and is a little ashamed at how sharp her tone is. It's not his fault he isn't attracted to her...
It's just he looks at her when he thinks she isn't looking and she was just so sure...
"Yeah." He tells her quietly climbing onto the bed next to her, laying with his body pressed into her side and it just burns.
"Well what is it?" She asks, she doesn't want to play this almost game with him any more, doesn't think her heart can take it any more.
He takes a large long breath and let's it slowly out.
"You." The word is low and heavy and it sounds like its added weight is going to sink them.
She gets up on her elbows to look down at him, he has his eyes closed tight, his chest isn't moving.
He is holding his breath.
God he means it doesn't he.
She brushes some of his sun bleached hair out of his face and his eyes snap open at the gentle touch.
He opens his mouth to say something, to clarify how he needs her but she already knows. He's telling her this with words and not his dick so it's pretty obvious to her how he needs her.
She puts her hand to his mouth and when he finally stops trying to talk she settles down into his loose embrace.
He needs her because she's a connection to his brother, just like how when it all comes down to it that's how she needs him too. A reminder that the monster they loved...love was human.
"Tell me something about him." She whispers and he pulls her closer to him and she rolls easily into him, her arm wrapped around him.
Like she could protect him from whatever memories she's asking him to dredge up.
She would if she could.
"The divorce just completely threw me. Sure they were never in the same room for very long and when they were it was a shouting match but that was the same as so many of my friends parents it didn't really seem like a problem you know?"
"But Cass wasn't surprised for a second. He had said one thing about the whole thing. He wanted to go with mom."
"Why didn't he?" She asks quietly, she had met the mother at the funeral. She had a horrible feeling she knew exactly why Cassidy hadn't gone with her.
"She didn't want him."
"Bitch." She hisses and somehow hopes that she can feel the distaste wherever the hell she is.
He laughs at that and his hand presses into her skin, "its okay...he was so upset that he broke up her second marriage. Serves her right although I did feel a little bad for Pierre." He looks down at her as if he's confirming that she's listening, "nice guy, too bad she's a cheating whore."
He says it with no emotion in his voice like he expects that to just be the natural course relationships take.
"When I was sick he'd make me soup. Chicken and little noodles, make it himself and sure you take it out of the can and heat it up but considering I'm not even sure where the can opener lived in our old house it always seemed like this big thing you know?"
"It's the thought Dick not how much effort he had to put in." Although she can't help but smile over the image of Cassidy searching the kitchen for the can opener.
She'd been in that kitchen before. It had taken her five minutes to find a glass.
"What else do you want to know?"
There's a long heavy silence because there's really only one thing she needs to know.
If he had ever loved her back.
But she's not sure she can get the words out without fracturing. To have the uncertainty and fear floating around between them because what if the answer was no.
She looks at him and he's blurred and she wipes furiously at her eyes, how could they betray her like that.
"Did he...did he ever..." She has her palms pressed against her eyes and his arms tighten around her, the heat of him welcome and wanted.
"Yes." She doesn't have to finish the question and thank god for that. His voice is firm like its the only thing he really believes in without a doubt.
His hand is running though her hair but its picking up her heartbeat rather than calming it down.
"He loved you. His beautiful smart Cindy." The words are soft and sad and she knows that they'll stick to the core of her until she dies.
Cassidy Casablancas loved her.
Even if no one believed it was true, even if her shrink tried to strip that from her she knew it had to be true.
Dick thought it was true and that was somehow enough for her.
More than enough.
"Thank you." She whispers into his chest and she just lays there listening to his heartbeat race, "I wish I could do something for you..." She tells him softly the fingers of one hand tracing lines across his waist.
She doesn't mean sexually. She swears that she doesn't it just feels so nice to be with him, quiet and slow and easy.
She imagines the sex would be much the same, a slow heat, nothing urgent or nervous about it, calm and surprisingly sweet that would make her right with the world again.
But really what right did she have to ask that from him when he was so much worse off then she was.
"You could make lunch?" He asks and there's the softest bit of a laugh in it so of course she'll do it.
She pushes away from him slowly and looks down at him. It is just really not fair that he should get to look like that. So god damn comfortable and pretty.
Ethereal and she just wants to wreck it. To swing a leg over him to change that look on his face to make him pant and beg for her.
She bites her lip and swings her leg over him.
"Mac..." His voice is dark and match his eyes and she swears to god he wants her too.
But she's positive she can't take another refusal from him so she swings her other leg over him and slides off the bed.
"What did you want for lunch?" She asks searching the fridge for suitable options. She could probably do some tacos, "did you want tacos again? We have some lettuce that doesn't seem to like the heat all that much. What do you think? You could fry up some of that terrible meat you brought. I'll stand right beside you to make sure-" she turns to look at him and he's leaning against the far wall staring at her, she'd almost consider it leering if she didn't know any better, "you don't burn the place down..." She finishes slowly watching his eyes drag up her, "Dick?"
He blinks a few times before his eyes seem to clear, "grilled cheese?"
She turns back into the fridge and there is the foodstuffs necessary for it. And dealing with cheese is a lot easier than being meat adjacent.
"Sure."
He smiles at her and makes his way above deck. She doesn't know what he's doing and even if she knew what she'd never know why. The ways of sailing were as confusing as the mixed signals her sailing partner was giving her.
He's all totally about eye fucking her but when real fucking becomes an option he's a complete flake and it reminds her way too much of his brother.
She wondered if anyone ever saw as much Cassidy in Dick as she did.
Sometimes they even stood the same.
She heated up the frying pan and made a decision. She was not going to make another move on Dick until she was positive it wasn't just for the pieces of Cassidy she saw in him. That it wasn't about pushing aside everything else and just latching onto the poor, sweet, evil, dead boy she held tightly in her heart.
When it'd be about him and her.
For real.
It wouldn't be fair to either of them until then. She just hoped she'd figure that out soon because it just wasn't fair how god damn pretty he was.