A/N: OK, Lady Smith Black Mumbazo begged for two more chapters, so you can thank her for this one too! LOL
*DISCLAIMER* I OWN NOTHING TWILIGHT!
EPOV
What the fuck was Bella doing at the lawyer's office and how the hell does she know about James? I was completely baffled. But then a new thought weaseled its way into my head. Jake
Bella must be with Jake now. She was there with him. That's how she found out about the lawyers and James. I closed my eyes and pounded my head on the back of the couch, trying to beat the image of Jake and Bella together, as a happy couple, out of my brain.
It's my own fault. When I left, he was all but in her apartment. I gave him the perfect opportunity to play the good guy. I can just imagine him comforting her after I very nearly assaulted her in the elevator. Fuck!
"Do you think she knows that Jake is a crooked, lying, thieving ass motherfucker?" I asked James, as I lit another cigarette.
"I don't know. If she did, she didn't say. Why? Do you think she was there with him?"
I laughed humorlessly and gave my hair a tug.
"It makes sense doesn't it? She could have only found about that meeting from him and he was at her apartment the day I left. He was bringing her breakfast," I mumbled. "And Jake told me that he thought they had chemistry."
"Did you ask Bella about that?" James asked, raising one eye brow.
"No."
"Well if she is with Jake, as her friend it's your responsibility to let her know who she's involved with. Bella doesn't impress me as someone who would put up with theft and screwing over friends."
James was right. Bella wouldn't put up with shit like that. But how the hell do I call and tell her about Jake when I disappeared four months ago after I attacked her in an elevator? She probably hates my ass and was only hoping I would be there so she could slap me across the face or have me arrested for Sexual Assault. I remember her saying her dad was cop! He probably has every cop on the West Coast gunning for my ass.
"Are you going to tell her?" James asked quietly, pulling me out of my thoughts.
"She hates me. She probably wouldn't even believe me."
"Hates you?" James said incredulously. "Edward, I can tell you with almost 100% certainty that the woman I met the other day doesn't hate you. Judging by the tears in her eyes when she realized that you weren't there and I wasn't going to tell her where you were, I'd say she most likely loves you."
My eyes snapped up to James' and I saw nothing but sincerity there.
"Honestly man, I wouldn't yank your dick on this. That girl was crushed that you were gone and was worried sick about you."
"Worried?" I chuckled darkly. "Great, now I'm a charity case. Now she pities the mental and emotional cripple."
"Are you sure she even knows about that?" James sighed. "Or are you just making assumptions?"
"I didn't tell her. But I'm guessing Jasper and Alice probably did by now. And Bella is just the kind of person who would want to take in a wounded animal or human… in this case."
The words tasted bitter as they rolled off my tongue. Bella wasn't someone who took on charity cases. Bella was someone who played the cards she was dealt. She'd try to make a full house out of a hand full of shit. Deep down, I knew she wouldn't see me as some project that she could foster and try to fix. No, Bella see's people as they are and accepts their faults instead of trying to change them.
It was then that I realized that I had been a complete and total ass to her and didn't give her enough credit. Shit.
"Dude! Ease up on the hair!" James yelled, snapping me out of my thoughts. I hadn't even realized I was pulling the shit out of it.
"I don't know how to play this one, James. I think I totally fucked up." I sighed, looking up at him, pleading for him to tell me to do.
"Well, you know her better than I do. But if I were you, I'd call her and get the story straight from her."
I rolled my eyes and sat back on the couch. A lot of good that suggestion did me. James knows that I don't do phone calls.
"Fine. If you don't want to call her, then get your ass in your car and go see her then. Just do something about it before you cause more problems for yourself or rip all your hair out!" James muttered, heading for the door.
"That's it? You're leaving then?" I asked, standing up.
"Of course. My work is done here. You'll see me again when you need to." He laughed as he closed the door behind him.
Smug fucker! That is so typically James. He only shows up when there's a problem or he smells blood in the water. Other than that, he takes off into the wild blue yonder of women and business, schmoozing with the big wigs and brokering deals. That's James Gideon. Part James Bond and part Jerry McGuire…with a side of Ron Jeremy.
Shortly after James left, I went back to my apartment. I couldn't focus on anything, apart from Bella. For the first time in four months, I went to the drawer I had hidden my cell phone in. Of course the battery was dead.
While I waited for the phone to charge up, I paced and chain smoked. Trying to figure out how the hell I was going to navigate this nightmare. I was feeling better…more myself. Would talking to Bella change that? Would I become overwhelmed with anxiety again and break down? How would I react if she confirmed her relationship with Jake? What if she hates me? What if she yells at me? Or, God help me, what if she cries?
My attention was pulled to the green light that was suddenly illuminated on my phone signaling that it was now fully charged. Fuck! How long had I been pacing?
I grabbed the phone and went to the couch. Sitting down, I sigh and decide to just pull off the band aid. I hit the power button and my phone instantly started chirping with missed calls, voicemails and text alerts. I scroll through the missed calls. Most were from Jasper, Bella and Maggie…no surprises there. There was also a few around Christmas from my mom. Reminding me again what a terrible son I am.
I move onto the voicemails and decide there's no way I can do this without a stiff drink and a fresh pack of smokes.
I'm stalling.
I go to the kitchen and pour myself a glass of Jack and Coke. I drink half of it down, grab the bottle and the can of coke, a fresh pack of smokes from my jacket and head back to the couch.
I cue up the voicemails and freeze. Am I really ready to hear her voice again? I take another big drink from my glass, chicken out and start scrolling through the texts instead. I delete all of them except for Bella's.
E, please call me as soon as u get this. We need 2 talk. ~B
Honestly I'm not mad at u & understand now. Call me. ~B
Great. She talked to Jasper.
My lips still tingle. Call me ~B
And now she's not playing fair!
Rose made me wash my sheets 2day. Miss u! ~B
She slept on the same sheets for a month? That's just…gross!
Happy Halloween. I'm going as some1 who misses her friend. ~B
It's Thanksgiving & I have nothing 2 B thankful 4. How bout u? ~B
Jesus…what have I done?
Merry Christmas. Santa didn't bring what I asked 4. I hope Ur happy. ~B
Happy New Year. I'm sitting by the phone if u change Ur mind. ~B
I'm a fucking monster. All this time and she hasn't given up on me. I don't deserve her. I know that now more than ever.
As I refill my glass, I scroll down to the last text message and freeze. It was sent on January 15th, the same day she talked to James.
Check Ur voicemail. ~B
Fuck!
I quickly pull up my voicemails, deleting all the voices that aren't hers and saving all the ones that are. Then I go back and listen to them one by one.
"You don't have an out going message. I was hoping to hear your voice. Call me, please. It's been a month and I m….call me."
God, the sweet sound of her voice guts me. Seriously, it physically hurts.
"Edward!" the way she slurs my name I can tell she was drunk. "I fucking hate you for leaving! These fuckers dragged me out and made me go to a fucking Halloween party with them and now I get to stand here and watch them make out on the dance floor! Fuck you, Edward. Fuck you!"
I didn't know she had it in her to be an angry drunk.
"Edward." she's whispering. That means she's hung over. It makes me laugh. "I think I called you last night and bitched out your voicemail. I'm sorry…really. I was drinking something called Frankenstein's Punch and it kicked my ass. Sorry. Whatever I said, I didn't mean it. I swear. Call me."
"Didn't mean it!" I laugh. Of course she did! She was drunk! There's only one more left. All the humor I found in the previous message instantly evaporates. My gulp is audible as I press play.
"I know that you'll find out soon enough, but I saw your friend James today. I was hoping you'd be there. But you weren't. I told James to tell you that I miss you and you owe me a fucking smoothie…that's for the Halloween incident by the way. But what I didn't tell you is that you need to call me if you want to hear the rest. I won't tell your voicemail."
My head fell onto the back of the couch with a thunk. What could she possibly have to tell me that she wouldn't tell my voicemail? She has a brain tumor and is dying? She's moving? She's with Jake now? She's marrying Jake? She already married Jake? She's married and pregnant with Jake's baby?
I walk over to the stereo and pull out some music. I need a distraction. I find my Buckcherry CD and pop it in. Perfect. I put it on random and gulp the rest of the Jack and Coke and quickly make myself another.
Lighting a cigarette, I stare at my phone.
Fuck it.
I pick it up, scroll through the contacts, punch in *67 to block the number and hit send. It rings 3 times.
"Hello?" her sleepy voices asks. I turn and look at the clock. It's 4:15 am. here in Chicago, so it's 2:15 in Seattle. Shit! And she probably has to work in the morning.
"Hello?" she asks again.
I want so badly to answer her. To say something. But nothing comes.
Just as I am ready to hit the End Call button, I hear it.
"Edward? Is that you?"
Tears coming rushing to my eyes. I quickly light a cigarette. Yeah, it's me.
"Where are you?"
Lost? Roasting in the pits of hell? Wandering around a desolate desert of nothingness? Take your pick, Bella. They all accurately describe my current surroundings.
"You can come home you know. No one is angry with you. We all…I …understand now. It's OK Edward. I'm not going anywhere. We'll get through it…adjust."
I don't deserve you. I'm so fucking sorry.
And then right on cue, the song "Sorry" by Buckcherry comes on. I pick up the remote to the stereo and turn it all the way up. I want to make sure she can hear it. I'll let it say all the things that I can't. She's quiet, so I know she's listening.
Oh I had a lot to say.
Was thinking, on my time away.
I missed you and things weren't the same.
Oh Cause everything inside, it never comes out right.
And when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die.
Truer fucking words have never been put to paper. Her tears rip my black fucking heart out.
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue.
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you.
And I know I can't take it back.
I can never take back or undo the hurt I cause. It's a vicious circle, Bella. I'll say sorry, you'll forgive me and then five minutes later I'll gut you again.
I love how you kiss. I love all your sounds,
And baby the way you make my world go round,
And I just, wanted to say, I'm sorry.
I want to feel your lips against mine and hear you scream my name when you're underneath me. You don't only make my world go around, you are my world, Bella. You're the fucking gravity that holds me here.
This time, I think I'm to blame.
It's harder, to get through the days.
We get older and blame turns to shame.
Cause everything inside, it never comes out right.
And when I see you cry, it makes me wanna die.
I'm always to blame and I always will be to blame. I'm toxic. Broken. Damaged.
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue.
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you.
And I know I can't take it back.
I can't take it back. And I never could. The blood in my veins is as a blue as my shame. Tainted with the venom of a disease designed to fucking hurt everyone around me.
I love how you kiss. I love all your sounds,
And baby the way you make my world go round,
And I just, wanted to say, I'm sorry.
Every single day, I think about how we came all this way.
The sleepless nights and the tears you cried.
It's never too late to make it right, oh yeah, sorry.
Insomnia and tears. These will become our two defining characteristics if you stay with me Bella.
I'm sorry I'm bad, I'm sorry you're blue.
I'm sorry about all the things I said to you.
And I know I can't take it back.
I love how you kiss. I love all your sounds,
And baby the way you make my world go round,
And I just, wanted to say, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry baby,
I'm sorry baby,
Yeah, I'm sorry.
God, if she only knew how sorry I really fucking was. I don't even try to stop the tears. Especially when I hear her tell tale sniffle and know that she's crying her eyes out right now, too. It's a fucked up comfort to know we're both being torn to shreds right now.
"I know you are." she says softly, in a broken voice.
We both take a minute to calm our breathing and get a hold of ourselves. I take another long drink of my Jack and Coke, light another cigarette and lean back, resting my head on the back of the couch.
"I'm assuming you talked to James? Did you also listen to your voicemail?"
I sigh…it's all I've got. She takes it as a yes. Smart girl.
"Crazy Bitch" comes on next; I turn the stereo down so she doesn't take offense or think that I am trying to send her another message. I'm in a deep enough hole already.
"What I wanted to tell you, but couldn't over your voicemail, is that I miss you and I think you took a piece of me with you when you left. I'm empty Edward. Without even realizing it, I had let you in. You owned me the moment I laid eyes on you for the first time. You were different, I knew that. But I also knew that my life would never be the same from that moment on. You and your sexy ass fedora totally rocked my world."
Ditto, Princess. I know exactly what you mean. But what about Jake?
As if she could read my mind, Bella went on.
"And I know you were pushing me away because you are afraid of hurting me. But here's the thing Edward. I can't move on without you. You're a part of me now. How can I give someone else my heart, when it's always belonged to you? If you want to keep from hurting me, you need to come back to me. Because I don't know that I can live with the hurt of your absence much longer."
I can actually feel my resolve to stay away shattering.
"What I am trying to say is that, if you want it, you can have more than just me and our friendship waiting for you, Edward. If you come back, you can have my love. It's yours and has never belonged to another. Just please come home. I miss you so fucking much! I even miss that stupid fucking 'Princess' nickname you insist on calling me. I need you, please come home!"
Her tears and broken sobs as she begs me to come home are my breaking point.
I stand up and walk over to the stereo. I know exactly which CD I am looking for. I find it and load it into the CD player and rip the volume all the way up. Smiling as the opening chords start playing.
You know I'm a dreamer
But my heart's of gold
I had to run away high
So I wouldn't come home low
Just when things went right
Doesn't mean they were always wrong
Just take this song and you'll never feel
Left all alone
Take me to your heart
Feel me in your bones
Just one more night
And I'm comin' off this
Long & winding road
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
You know that I've seen
Too many romantic dreams
Up in lights, fallin' off the silver screen
My heart's like an open book
For the whole world to read
Sometimes nothing keeps me together at the seams
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home sweet home
Tonight, tonight
I'm on my way
Just set me free
Home Sweet Home
Home Sweet Home
Home Sweet Home
Home Sweet Home
I'm on my way
I'm on my way
Home Sweet Home
Yeah
I'm on my way
Just set me free
Home Sweet Home
I can hear her laugh through her tears. She gets it. Like I said, smart girl.
"I'll be waiting for you, Edward. Always."
See you soon, Princess.
So? What are you thinking? Talk to me people! Don't make me beg for reviews!