State Capitol Building – Late Afternoon
"Fin? Are you even listening to me?"
The senator turned his head, startled at Regina's seemingly sudden appearance by his desk. Had his assistant been speaking to him? He noticed her standing there, one hand on her hip and the other holding her cell phone, but he didn't have any idea how – or when – the woman had entered his private office. Despite his intentions, ever since Tony had left several hours ago he had found himself staring at the same screen on his laptop, over and over again. So much for taking my mind off other matters….
He sighed apologetically as the rather indignant woman stared back at him, puzzled. "I'm sorry, Regina," Fin told her softly. "I've got a lot on my mind." That was DEFINITELY an understatement… "Did you need something?"
Fin's assistant stood there mystified; it was so unlike her boss to zone out on her, or ANY of his duties while at work. When he was in his office, the man was like a dynamo, boring his way through whatever task was thrown at him. Frequently, if she didn't know better, she would have sworn the man was an octopus in a previous life, because no one could do what THIS man did without having several extra arms. How he managed to accomplish so much in so little time was beyond her comprehension; THIS type of behavior for Fin O'Connor, then, was totally off the wall.
"What is going on, Fin?" she demanded; she hadn't been working for this man for almost 10 years now without developing the backbone to say what she really thought. Her boss would expect nothing less, anyway. "You didn't answer my private page and now you're acting like you're on some other planet. I've been trying to talk to you for a while now." She shook her head slightly in total confusion. Whatever was occupying her boss' mind had to be pretty monumental to get him this shook up.
Fin closed his eyes briefly and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to will away the migraine that was insidiously attempting to creep into his head. Thoughts of Tony, Justin Taylor, and his son were constantly invading his mind to the detriment of his work. He didn't feel like sharing that bit of information at the moment with his assistant, however, no matter HOW much he might trust her. Regina already knew about his and Tony's true relationship, and he had to admit, she had been able to keep it a secret for several years now. He did NOT, however, feel it would be prudent to discuss with her this LATEST twist in his life. Hell, HE wasn't even sure anymore what he was going to do. Before, everything had seemed so clear – but that was before Justin Taylor walked in with Tony this morning, and it was before he learned about his ready-made family.
"What did you need, Regina?" Tony asked her wearily, his voice a little more harsh than he had intended. The events of this morning had totally disrupted his normal routine, as well as his life - and had dramatically removed him from his comfort zone. He had a feeling that from this day forward, no matter his wishes, his world was probably never going to be the same again…
"What I NEED is for you to stay on schedule," she reminded him a little sharply; she didn't have a clue what was going on, but she DID know that her ability to stay on top of things hinged upon how well her BOSS stayed on track. So far, to her aggravation as well as surprise, the Senator was doing a lousy job of it. "You had a meeting scheduled with Mathison five minutes ago," he rebuked him. "His aide just called looking for you, because you weren't answering your phone. The Senator's wanting to leave for the day."
"Shit!" O'Connor growled as he abruptly stood up and glanced at his watch to verify he was, indeed, missing an important meeting with the other senator. "I'm leaving right now," he told her; he grabbed his jacket off the back of his chair and hurriedly slipped it on as he rushed toward the interoffice door. "Call his office and let him know I'm on my way, okay?" he asked her; he didn't bother to listen to her response as he quickly ran out the outer door and into the hallway, leaving his assistant shaking her head in mystification.
Britin – Same Day - Late Thursday Evening
Justin sat next to Brian, picking at the leftovers of his chicken parmesan that he had warmed up in the microwave; he idly stirred his fork in the cheesy mixture, more of a way to keep his hands busy and his eyes from straying over to his partner's. He actually was hungry, but he realized that presently his stomach was too tied up in knots from the day's events to even think about eating. He found himself replaying the events in Harrisburg over and over again, trying to determine if there was something else he could have done to change O'Connor's mind about refusing to meet with his son, but hard as he tried, he couldnt' think of anything.
"Is it dead yet?"
Justin raised his head, startled, to peer into his partner's probing eyes. "Huh?" he asked, rather distractedly.
"I said - is it DEAD yet?" Brian motioned to Justin's plate in front of him. "That would be the only reason I could think of to explain why you're playing with your food, instead of eating it. Is it TOO hot? Want me to blow on it?" He drawled, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.
Brian knew the food wasn't hot, however – even if it HAD been hot before, the food had been out of the microwave for at least 15 minutes; he had noticed during that time that his partner had eaten maybe two bites. This wasn't definitely NOT the Justin Taylor HE knew…..Now all he had to do was figure out just what was going on.
Justin could only manage a half-smile at his partner's attempt at humor. "Maybe later," he whispered; he tried to keep the smile on his face but found that he couldn't. The events from earlier today were still uppermost on his mind. Why couldn't Brian's father come to his senses and realize just what he was giving up? And for what - the chance that he might make a difference in other people's lives? What about his own son's life? What about HIS life? Didn't he realize what the consequences were?
Brian looked back at his partner - the love of his life, the man his world revolved around, the man who had changed his life forever; a man who was clearly preoccupied with something - something that had apparently been bothering him for some time. He couldn't stand it; when Justin hurt, HE hurt.
"All right, Justin," Brian said flatly, reaching over to firmly take his partner's free hand. "Out with it," he demanded; his thumb slowly caressed the top of his fiancé's hand, causing Justin's pulse to speed up. Even now – even after all this time – just a simple touch of Brian's hand was enough to make his heart skip a beat. He had long ago given up trying to figure out how the man did it; he just knew that he DID.
As Brian gazed at him with a combination of concern and puzzlement, Justin was undergoing an internal struggle with himself over what to do. He knew he had to tell his lover what was going on; but somewhere deep inside, he was still hoping somehow that Brian's father would come to his senses and agree to not only meet with Brian, but accept him into his life openly. He knew, however, that his time was running out; he was already expecting Brian's grandparents in a couple of days. If he couldn't somehow convince Senator O'Connor to change his mind and embrace Brian and his lifestyle openly, it would be too late to keep the secret then. Either way, Brian had to be told by this weekend, good or bad.
Finally deciding, then, that his news could still wait until at least Saturday, he bit his lip pensively before he replied, "I'm fine, Brian. Really." As Brian sighed in frustration over yet another vow that didn't quite ring true, Justin placed his fork down on his plate and reached his other hand up to gently brush the brunet's cheek softly. God, I love you, Brian Kinney….
"Brian," he began tentatively. What was he going to say, though? He felt terrible about all this secrecy, and he had this dreadful feeling that it was all going to bite him in the ass if he didn't do something soon. He knew already from past experience how his fiancé's imagination could run away with him; was it all worth this? But if he COULD somehow talk O'Connor into changing his mind, it WOULD all be worth it. Despite the man's stubbornness – no doubt a trait that his SON had inherited from him – he still felt the man was a decent person. He just needed prodding in the right direction to do the right thing by his son.
He took a deep breath and out let it out as Brian peered intently into his eyes, trying somehow to ascertain exactly what his lover was thinking. "Brian," he began again; he didn't know if looking at Brian's face of concern was giving him strength to go on or not, but he marched forward – at least with the partial truth. "Just give me a couple more days," he pleaded softly.
Brian frowned; this wasn't the answer he was expecting, but then again, he had NO idea exactly what was going on, anyway. "A couple more days for what, Justin?" He shook his head, perplexed. "What the fuck is GOING on, Sunshine?" He tried to keep his voice level and avoid sounding suspicious, but the longer Justin kept this secret from him, the more vivid his imagination was becoming.
Justin averted his eyes as he turned his head slightly in awkwardness. Not for the first time, he questioned if he was doing the right thing. When he first found out that Brian was adopted, he was confident that all this secrecy was necessary to find out exactly what sort of biological parents Brian had; he was determined that the man he loved not go through the pain he had already endured at the hands of his adoptive parents. Now, he knew Brian's mother was dead and his father was refusing to acknowledge him openly. If it hadn't been for his grandparents, who wanted to welcome Brian and Gus into their lives, Justin would have just let the whole situation drop and written it off as an unfortunate circumstance. Now, however, he was going to have to come clean about the whole thing, at least by Saturday, because the Blackwells would be there by early afternoon.
"I told you before it had to do with your wedding present," he finally told the brunet. "It can't be a surprise if I tell you what it is." Just two more days…
Brian stared at his partner, wondering once again just what was going on in that blond head of his. "Justin, this surprise wedding present is getting damned peculiar. What is so unusual that you have to wait until THEN to tell me about it? What's going to change between now and Saturday?" A sudden thought occurred to him. "Does it have something to do with Gus? He's already going to be the ring bearer, you know."
Justin gave him a patronizing look. "I know that, Brian – I'm the person you're marrying, remember?" he chided him softly. "And to answer your question, no, it isn't about Gus – at least not directly." As Brian rolled his eyes in exasperation, he explained, "I just want him to be here when you see it, that's all. It affects him, too," he added somewhat mysteriously.
"Shit, Justin! Why do I feel like we're going around in circles here?" He released his partner's hand and stood up, shaking his head. "You drive me crazy sometimes, you know that? I don't understand what could be so important that you have to act like some fucking FBI agent‼" Letting out a ragged breath of frustration, he stood there, trying with difficulty not to let anger creep into his voice. He didn't like what was going on – whatever the hell it was – but he still loved his fiancé with all his heart and he knew deep down he wouldn't do something to hurt him.
Justin pursed his lips, wanting so badly to tell Brian the whole story, but for some reason feeling like he couldn't – at least not yet. His eyes filled with unshed tears as he watched with concern when his fiancé stood up from the table. "Brian….please. Just give me until Saturday. I'll tell you everything then. Please," he pleaded softly, reaching out to take the brunet's hand.
Brian didn't make a move to come any closer, but he didn't refuse Justin's overture, either. Damn you, Sunshine. He couldn't bear to look at those soft blue eyes without his insides turning to a pile of marshmallow. Only Justin would be allowed to get away with what he does…..But then again, he always could.
Justin slowly pulled Brian toward him until the blond stood up, their faces only inches apart. He reached his hand around to the back of Brian's neck to feather the auburn hair as he murmured sincerely, "I love you, Brian Kinney. So much. And I know you believe that. Just give me two more days and then you'll understand everything. I promise."
Brian shook his head, still amazed even how much this man had affected his life so long ago, and how he STILL affected him, just by the sound of his voice and his touch. I am SO forever lost…
His mouth twisted as, defeated, he finally whispered back, "Okay, Sunshine. Two more days. Then you are coming clean about everything – you got it?" He leaned over until their noses were touching as he proceeded to nuzzle the blond's neck, inhaling the familiar, intoxicating scent of his lover as he closed his eyes in surrender.
As the two men embraced, their bodies rocking back and forth gently in each other's arms, Justin gave a silent prayer of gratitude for this wonderful, complex man who had changed his life forever, thinking how lost he would be without him. Please let his father realize how special he is, too, he pleaded silently, as he held onto Brian tightly.
Friday Morning – Harrisburg
The beeping of his alarm woke Fin up right on schedule at 6:30 a.m. As he always did, he stretched over in his half-asleep state to slap the clock to silence it, and then reached over to place a hand on his partner's shoulder to nudge him awake. Tony always did have a hard time getting up on his own; if he hadn't been for him, the man would have probably missed at least half of his court trials.
But what happened next roused Fin out of his still-drowsy state; instead of feeling his partner's soft, warm shoulder, his hand only felt the cold smoothness of the empty pillow lying next to his head. He opened his eyes in somber realization of why Tony wasn't lying next to him; his partner, in one of the rare times since they had met almost ten years ago, wasn't where he belonged. He was sleeping instead in some impersonal, ostentatious hotel suite downtown.
He sighed in frustration and sadness. Tony had made good on his promise to call him last night, but his tone of voice had been cool and distant; the hurt was evident as he told Fin he had checked into the Ritz like he said he would. Fin had asked him to come back to the house to talk about everything, but Tony had refused. He felt he had said everything he needed to say, and to him the choice was simple: either stop living a lie and quit sneaking around like they had something to hide, or come clean about everything and let the political chips fall where they may.
If only it were that easy, my love, Fin thought painfully as he lay there in their oversized bed. Right now, the king-sized mattress might as well have been the size of a football field without his partner there with him. He had never felt so alone or lost in his life. Before Justin Taylor had walked into his office yesterday, he thought his future was cemented and secure; he would run successfully for Governor, his partner faithfully by his side, and once he was firmly ensconced in the Governor's mansion, he would quietly set out to secure as many equal rights for gay residents as he could.
Somewhere along the line, however, he failed to realize how Tony's resentment and hurt was slowly simmering toward an emotional boil. That boiling point had definitely been reached yesterday; his partner had told him in no uncertain terms just what it would take for the two of them to remain together. What Tony wanted, though, was no simple request – he could either seriously, or even fatally, jeopardize his campaign for Governor, or lose the man he loved deeply forever. Both were impossible choices to reconcile; he honestly didn't think he could have both., because despite the gains that had been made for gays in the country, they were still ostracized and derided by the mainstream, conservative faction.
On the other hand, however, would it be worth what he would have to give up? His lover, and a family that he had dreamed of for years – a family he never thought he would ever have? As he lay in the opulent, historic bed at the governor's mansion, would his political success keep his nights warm, or warm his heart? Would it make him feel fulfilled and happy? Just what WAS more important to him?
He sighed heavily as he sat up in bed; until now, his home had always seemed so warm and inviting, like a protected cocoon where no one could hurt him or Tony. Now it seemed like a frigid, barren wilderness, dry and lifeless.
As the alarm once again sounded, signaling that it was ten minutes later, he finally threw the cover back reluctantly and rose from the bed, his emotions awash with turmoil. Freshly showered and clean-shaven a half-hour later, he softly closed the front door behind him and walked slowly to his car. His trip into the Senate office building was one he had taken several thousand times before, but for the first time he wondered if he was traveling on the right path.
Ritz Carlton – downtown Harrisburg – 8:00 a.m.
Tony straightened his tie in the mirror as he sighed; despite the luxurious accommodations the Ritz provided him, he had slept fitfully last night, his thoughts too awhirl with what had transpired yesterday. Despite his great sadness over his decision to separate from Fin, he still felt like he was doing the right thing. Their subterfuge had been bothering him for years now; he had gritted his teeth and stayed quiet, however, due to his great love for Fin and his wishes to not damage his partner's political ambitions.
Now, however, with Justin's unexpected appearance yesterday, and in light of the courage the young man had shown in the face of much older – and supposedly wiser – men, he had finally realized that he couldn't sneak around any longer. He was tired – SO tired- of constantly having to look behind his back to make sure no prying eyes were looking, and being near his partner but not being able to touch him, or talk to him, or acknowledge what he meant to him. That was no way to live – that was cowardice. Nothing but plain cowardice. He would never want to hurt Fin, and if it was the other man's wish that he not divulge their true relationship, he wouldn't – but it was time to come out into the light of truth. If Fin couldn't find a way to be open about their relationship, it would hurt like hell, but he would move on without his partner somehow. He closed his eyes at the possibility of his loss, the reality of what he might have to do painfully clear. Oh, Fin…..why can't you understand what you're doing to you – to US?
He thought about his and Fin's meeting with Justin yesterday; he had kidded his partner about how both he and his son were attracted to intelligent, "hot" blonds, but beyond the teasing, he had actually felt a certain kinsman ship with Justin; both of them were driven, determined, and loyal to their partners. Both were in love with successful, strong-willed men. But that was where the similarities ended, because he felt envious of Justin for what the young man had and he didn't – a partner who openly loved him and was not afraid to let everyone else KNOW it. Until yesterday, he hadn't really realized just how much he had craved that; now, however, it was painfully, clearly obvious.
He stood there in front of the mirror as a sad, heartbroken man stared back at him. Why, Fin? Why?
The ringing of his cell phone at the fairly early hour jolted him out of his painful musing. Looking around for the object, he finally remembered he had left it in his jacket pocket last night. He had been so preoccupied with what had happened yesterday; by the time he had gotten to his hotel room he was physically and mentally exhausted. After a quick shower and a rapid perusal of yesterday's newspaper, he had succumbed to his tiredness and finally laid down in the dark to try and sleep. He had quickly discovered, however, that sleep was severely elusive last night; at best, he had probably gotten a total of two hours' rest.
As he located his phone and flipped it open, he noticed with some curiosity that he didn't recognize the caller's number. In his profession, though, that wasn't exactly uncommon; at any given time, it wasn't unusual to have either a new client or an opposing attorney calling him for something. "Hello?" he said tentatively.
"Tony?" he heard a voice on the other line that sounded somewhat familiar. "This is Justin Taylor. I'm really sorry to call you so early, but I really needed to speak with you – is the Senator there?" Justin asked anxiously; he knew it was barely 8:00, but Brian had left a short while ago, and he just couldn't get his experience yesterday out of his mind. Taking a chance that being an attorney, Cassinelli would be an early riser, he decided he couldn't wait any longer to try and reach him; at the very least, he could leave the man a message to call him back. He was also hoping that Brian's father would have already left for the capital building; he needed to speak with the man's partner alone.
Tony's felt his pulse quicken at the sound of Justin's voice; it was almost as if the man had read his mind somehow, because he had been thinking it might be helpful to talk to him again. For someone of such a relatively young age, he had found Justin to be quite mature and sure of what he wanted; something that in his profession he found extremely refreshing.
"No, Justin, you didn't wake me," he assured the blond. "I normally get up a lot earlier than this, and, besides, I didn't exactly get a good night's sleep last night."
He heard Justin's soft huff of irony. "Yeah, I certainly know that feeling," he told the other man. "After meeting with Brian's father yesterday, I could hardly get to sleep at all. I just kept replaying yesterday's meeting over and over, trying to think if there was anything I could have done differently to get him to change his mind. I was actually hoping you might have some suggestions."
Justin heard the older man sigh. "I wish I DID, believe me. After you left, I told Fin I couldn't keep living our lie any longer – it's been eating at me for a long time, but I guess I hid it deep inside until you forced me to face the truth. I told him I was going to stay at the Ritz Hotel for a while until we decided what we're going to do."
Justin gasped, shocked at this unexpected turn of events. He couldn't help blaming himself for it. "I'm….so sorry, Tony," he whispered. "I never meant for this to happen. Maybe I never should have tried to reunite Brian with his father. It seems like it's caused nothing but pain and problems. I'm beginning to think I should have just looked the other way." He and Brian had been happy – no, they WERE happy – wasn't that enough? Why did he feel a need to pursue this whole sordid mess? Of course, he KNEW why – because he loved Brian so much, and wanted him to have the family he always deserved.
Tony, however, was quick to correct the other man. "NO, Justin, it's NOT your fault, believe me. This was coming for a long time now; I think somehow I was just hoping if I ignored the dinosaur in the room, it would just go away. But it won't; it just keeps getting worse and worse. As much as I fucking hate it, it's time to force Fin to make a choice – live the lie and sit high and mighty on his governor's throne, or come down off his high horse and admit what he really is – a big, fat, queer. I CAN tell you one thing, though – the king's going to find it's pretty lonely sitting up top."
Justin could hear the other man's torment by the tone of his voice. He may be pretending to be flippant about what the other man was going to have to go through, but he wasn't fooling him for one minute; if it had been BRIAN having to make that decision, and it might mean never seeing him again, he knew how much pain HE would be in. He couldn't help admiring Tony, though, for standing up for what he believed in.
"I really don't know what to say, Tony," he responded sympathetically. "You don't think there's still a chance he might reconsider?"
The attorney was quiet for a few seconds as he considered that possibility. "I honestly don't know, Justin. He's really a decent guy – he really DOES want to help push for gay rights here in the State. I know this can't be easy for him. But he just doesn't seem to understand that by living a lie, he's going to lose his credibility, and without credibility, no one's going to support him, even if he DOES manage to fool everyone until after he's elected." He paused briefly before adding, "I hope he comes to his senses, somehow; despite his misguided intentions, I still LOVE the bastard. I just can't live with the fantasy world he has us living in."
Justin sighed, not exactly encouraged by what Tony was saying. He was hesitant to even mention what he wanted to ask Tony now. "I guess what I really called about now is irrelevant," he said sadly. It was beginning to look more and more like he was going to have to tell Brian tomorrow what he had been dreading – that while he had a set of grandparents who were excited to meet him and his son, his own father didn't want anything to do with him.
"What?" Tony asked curiously.
Justin hesitated for a few seconds before admitting, "I was hoping to ask you if you could somehow try to talk the Senator into at least meeting with Brian and maybe getting to know him; I thought maybe if he could meet Brian and Gus, he would realize what he would be giving up by refusing to acknowledge them."
Tony sighed unhappily. "I don't know, Justin," he told his caller. "We're still speaking, but I've pretty laid out for him where I stand. And he's pretty much made his viewpoint clear, too. I'm afraid the rest is up to him – he knows all the facts and what he stands to lose on both sides. He's just going to have to decide what is most important to him – what he might stand to gain, or what he might stand to LOSE."
Justin nodded to himself. "Yeah….I guess you're right," he said in resignation. "Brian's grandparents are coming out to our house tomorrow," he informed the other man. "At least THEY'RE looking forward to meeting him," he said, not able to keep some of the bitterness from creeping into his voice. He supposed he should be grateful for THAT much, at least, and he was; he had just hoped that he would be able to give Brian everything he deserved, including a father that loved and admired him.
"I'm glad to hear it," Tony told him sincerely; he was still in a sort of mourning, however, for what he – and Fin's son – would apparently never have; the worst part of it all, however, was that Fin didn't seem to understand he stood to lose the most of ALL. "I…..wish you and Brian all the best, Justin, I really do. I…..envy you," he admitted softly. "You're very lucky to have found each other."
Justin smiled. "I know, Tony," he whispered. "I know." As he ended his conversation with the other man, he couldn't help thinking that even though Brian's father was unwilling to embrace his own son and grandson, he would never go a single day without realizing how fortunate he was to have become an integral part of Brian and Gus's family. Perhaps that was enough.