Disclaimer: The voices said that I owned Harry Potter. But they're a bunch a liars.
Disclaim her: Love isn't the answer; it's the problem.
Note: Out of character with: Harry, Voldemort…(does a snake count...?)
Rating: M for Mature. Children, go take a nap and forget about coming here.
Point of View: First
"speech" thoughts and/or mind speech (Harry and Voldemort) Parseltongue
I do not own the quote below.
A/N: Always look on the bright side of life.
Chapter 11: Feedback
111111111111111111
After Lucius left, and the Manor was completely empty of human residents, I began to wander around, therefore the reason of me finding the library sometime later that day. I hadn't thought that there could have been a bigger collection of books than the collection that resided at Hogwarts, but I was wrong. Voldemort's collection of books was astounding.
And so, I began to read. I went through the spell books like there was no tomorrow. I also learned some many incantations in such a short amount of time; it was a bit comical. He had so many dark spell books, I don't think that I should have been surprised, but I was. Who knew that there was a spell to remove someone's intestines through their nostrils?
000000000000000000
I did eat later in the day as Lucius had asked me to, but it was only for his peace of mind, not mine. I don't know why I want to please him, but I don't particularly care for the reason either. Lucius is different from the others and I don't want to find out why. For some reason, I know that I will not like the answer if I do happen to find out.
I returned to the Dark Lord's bedroom a few hours later after looking around the dungeon and finding Muggles in the cells along with a few wizards. I was surprised to find Bellatrix down there as well, but when she cursed at me, I was happy that she was in that cell because otherwise I would have killed her on the spot. The bitch deserved it.
When I entered the Dark Lord's bedroom, I found Nagini slumbering on the bed. My immediate thought was that Voldemort had returned to the Manor. But then, I realized that if Voldemort had come back he would have contacted me somehow, wouldn't he? The female snake continued to sleep even though I knew that she knew that I was in the room.
After a brief shower, I dressed and when I came back to the main bedroom, I expected Nagini to be gone but she remained on the bed, still sleeping. I lay down next to her, halfheartedly hoping that she would attack me, but I know she wouldn't.
I can feel her open her eyes a moment later, trying to find the cause of her sleep disturbance. She raises her head and locks her eyes with mine and I meet her gaze unblinkingly.
He would like me to watch over you, child. Nagini hisses softly.
I roll my eyes in irritation. So he thinks that I can't take care of myself?
She gives what seems to be a sigh. No, child, that is not the case at all. Why won't you believe that he cares about you? He has no reason to lie to you.
I'm sure he doesn't. But even if he did care about me, which I know he doesn't, why would he to begin with? I haven't given him any kind of reason to. I retort crossly.
The snake flicks out her tongue, as she tastes the air. Does he need to have a reason child?
Of course he does! I hiss angrily as I yank my glasses off my face and hold them in between my fingers.
Why? Nagini asks, as she moves and coils up beside me.
The words tumble out of my lips before I realize what I've said. Because it will prove that he's not lying like all the others did! I hiss furiously. I surprise even myself with these words. Is that truly why I don't want to believe him?
Are you really that stupid child? Has he tried anything with you that you were not comfortable with? She rears up in anger but this is not with the intent to intimidate me. I know it isn't. He is asinine in waiting for you to come to care for him as he does for you. I told him that you were never going to care about him but he continues to do whatever he can for you.
I smile slightly as I offer her my arm. Nagini gives a human like sigh as she slides up my arm, around my neck and then to my other arm.
He is very foolish child. Nagini says irritably as she settles her head on my chest and shuts her dark eyes.
I chuckle sardonically. I told him the exact same thing, I tell her as I move and lay back against the pillows of the bed with being careful not to crush her. When do you think that he will be back? I murmur softly in Parseltongue.
She cracks open an eye at my question. Does it matter?
No. But I want to know.
If she had lips I know she would have smirked right then and there. Maybe he wasn't such a fool after all.
What is that supposed to mean? I demand sharply.
You are an odd child. Nagini says as she shuts her eyes.
I don't like him. I mutter as I begin to unconsciously pet Nagini. I really don't like him. I hate the way he makes me feel because he makes me feel…human. And I don't like that at all.
I'm sure you don't child. The snake assures me sleepily as she relaxes onto me. But Tom has gone to retrieve the rest of your belongings from your godfather's house. And I don't know if I should be telling you this as well, but as Tom has not told me not to, I see no point in concealing this information from you. The snake raises her head and looks directly into my eyes. My Master has gone to the Department of Mysteries again to see if he can retrieve your godfather from… She shudders and moves closer my heart as if what she is going to tell me is awful. …From beyond the Veil, child.
Mind numbing shock courses through me and I find myself frozen. How could he have not told me about this? He never said anything to me. This is what he had been doing all this time. And he wanted me to trust him.
You're a liar! I scream in my mind, desperately hoping that this thought will reach him. You're such a liar!
But I hear nothing in response. My mind is silent but for the mad part that is cackling its victory. You were starting to trust him despite yourself, weren't you? You're hopeless.
No, I didn't trust him! I knew he was lying from the beginning!
You know lies are there only to dull the pain. You know the truth. You were starting to trust him even though you told yourself that you weren't ever going to. You just won't accept the facts. This was your undoing from the beginning.
No, no, NO! I didn't believe him!
You did. And you felt secure trusting him. He makes you feel safe, doesn't he? Like you won't have to worry anymore? My mind whispers softly, as if it's saddened by my failure.
My wrist begins to itch and I drag my nails across it distractedly while my mind continues to ramble on.
You need to remember what Professor Umbridge told you. You must not tell lies. My mind says to me and as I look down at my right hand, I see the thin cursive letters that resulted from my punishment with the woman.
That woman was not in any way a Professor! We've been over this! Oh crap. I'm talking to myself again and actually making it seem that my mind is a person of sorts.
Child, I would suggest that you stop ripping the skin in your wrist. You're bleeding on the blankets.
I glance down and see that my wrist is bleeding just as Nagini had said it was. With a muttered spell it heals, and I feel slightly disgusted with myself a moment later as result. I'm frustrated and I want to vent but there's no one in the Manor. Aren't I such a sadist?
And then it's as if realization dawns upon me. Oh, he thinks he clever, does he? I can't believe that I didn't notice this before. That fucking bastard. He purposefully had everyone leave the Manor, even Lucius, just to see how I would feel all alone.
Well, no matter. I've been alone far longer and I turned out fine in the end, I think to myself with cold smile.
Nagini gives a sleepy hiss and falls asleep on my chest while my mind mutters profanities and such to me. I am diverted from this as I begin to form appalling ideas within my mind of how I'm going to get back at the Dark Lord for making me start to trust him with. He's going to pay.
But then, there's the pressing issue of my godfather…
I suppose I should be grateful for what he's doing for me, but that still doesn't make up for the fact that he never told me about what he was doing in the first place. Sirius was my godfather after all. And maybe…this is just a ruse and Sirius is somewhere that can not be reached. That is a far more believable account and one that I am more accredited to believe in.
I sigh out angrily and look up at the canopy above the bed and become distracted by the coiling swirls in the ceiling. Hm, that's odd…I usually don't become distracted this easily. Maybe my distraction is just a result of my madness or perhaps-
It's because of your concern for him.
I scowl in irritation as I push my bangs out of my eyes and return my glasses to my face. I have absolutely no concern for him!
Oh yes you do. You know you're worried about what he's doing in the Department of Mysteries. You know that even though you don't want to care, you do. He and yourself are so much more alike than you know.
We are not! I am nothing like him. I hate him! I shout in my mind.
Whatever you say. My mind relents for the first time that I can remember. But this is not over, it amends quickly. I can almost feel the smirk behind this comment.
"I hate him." I say softly. "I hate him…" I repeat to myself. Maybe the second time's for peace of mind? I can almost expect him to walk through the bedroom door at that moment. But that's just my paranoia kicking in. He won't be back for a few days. Though, I know that he will come back. He always comes back.
But what if he doesn't?
I shake my head in annoyance. He'll come back. I know he will. He won't abandon me.
You almost sound as if you and he are lovers…My mind slips in deviously.
My eyes open and I blink hastily as my eyes adjust to the darkness. My stupid head thinks it's so bright…It will never outsmart me. Never.
After a few seconds, I realize something is off in the room. I'm sure I must have fallen asleep because I know I'm dreaming. There can be no way that I am seeing my godfather. Just a hallucination. That's what it is. As usual, my stupid mind is playing deceitful tricks on me.
My godfather takes a step toward me. His features are ragged, just like they were from when the I last saw him. No! I won't believe these lies!
But when I blink, he's still there.
"Harry?" He says softly and I sit up, not taking notice that Nagini has gone.
I smile slightly, but it's absentmindedly. Maybe I should be put up in St. Mungos. These hallucinations are taking their toll on my soul... I'm such a freak.
"You're not real. But it's all right. I'll play along with this one, my idiotic mind."
"Harry? Are you all right?"
"I'm fine. But mind, are we going to continue on like this and pretend that he's really there when we both know that he's not?"
My mind formed godfather appears confused. Oh, it's deciding to tackle human emotions, is it? Clever.
"Harry…what's wrong?"
My smile slips a little. He sounds so human, like he's actually there… "No. You're not real. It's just my mind playing tricks on me." Excellent comeback, I tell myself. Don't put any belief in a delusional figment of your imagination.
"I'm real, Harry." He says as he takes yet another step toward me. No, I have to back away. If I make no contact, then I can save myself the pain of realizing that he's not real, again. I move and slide myself out of the bed so it separates us.
His gaze remains locked with mine as he walks around the bed so he ends up facing me. He takes yet another step toward me. I back away blindly and try to find some way to put a distance between this hallucination and I. Another step. I hit the wall in back of me. He takes another step in my direction. I have no idea of why I am so afraid when I know that he isn't real. I mustn't make contact. Absolutely no kind of contact.
He lifts an arm to reach out for me. I can feel myself sliding down to the ground while my eyes continue to remain on him. He takes yet another step toward me. He's only a few feet away; but am I going to do? I curl up and try to leave none of myself exposed as I shut my eyes tightly and tell myself the same thing again and again. Just a hallucination. He's not there. He's not there!
Nevertheless, I hear footsteps approaching my side. Stay calm. Don't move. Give no indication of what you are thinking. Do not show your fear, as it's what makes you so weak time and time again.
"You don't need to be afraid. Everything is going to be all right." He whispers, and I feel something brush over my cheek. My godfather gently removes my hands from my face as he pulls me out of the corner I had been trying to find escape in. No! Please, no! Please don't make me look at him! I'm afraid! I don't want to hurt again! No!
Then, as he lifts my head, I meet his eyes. And that is when I know that he's existent and that he is in no particular way a figment of my imagination. This can't be. He was behind the Veil…wasn't he? No! I cannot doubt myself!
He pulls me to my feet and I feel myself tremble violently as he pulls me to him. Sirius enfolds me in his arms and I know I would have collapsed but for his arms around me. Oh, I know I'm dreaming. But what…a lovely dream this is.
And since this is a dream, I don't have to restrain my emotions anymore. I can feel myself begin to cry pathetically onto his shoulder as he merely stands in front of me. I have to be…secure! I'm going to kill Voldemort for this! Damn him to the hells, I will! Damn him! Damn… him… I…
"You're really here, aren't you?" I whisper in a voice so low only he could have heard it.
"Of course I am. You don't have to be afraid anymore. I'll be here."
"I sincerely…hope that you will. Because if you leave me alone again, I don't know what I'll do. I'm already…half mad as is."
"I know." He pulls away from me and looks straight into my tear strewn eyes. "But the original Harry is more than half here, isn't he?"
"I should be inclined to believe so. But that might not be me, couldn't it? It could be my crazed side speaking to you here and now."
"I have faith it's the real you. After all, the true Harry Potter wouldn't give up without a fight, would he?" He says with a crooked smile. And a smile finds it's way onto my face as well. Happiness seems to do that.
This feeling that I have right now… It makes me believe that all is right with the world. And for all I know, it could be.
111111111111111111
A.O.T.I.F.: I hate writing supposed "happy ending" chapters. I am more satisfied with the blood and gory violence that ends with the death and/or serious injury to the main character(s). Please no questions on how Sirius was back from beyond the Veil. The Dark Lord has his sinister and blasphemous ways of doing things no ordinary person could do.
Please review.