I Shall Be Released

"Yonder stands a man in this lonely crowd
man who swears he's not to blame
All day long I hear him hollering so loud
just crying out that he's not to blame
I see my light come shining
From the west down to the east
Any day now any day now
I shall be released."

Bob Dylan

Several gasps echoed in the observation room. Stabler brushed his hand over his face with a sigh. Joe shook his head in disbelief. Goren stood still, staring at the floor. Eames started shifting on her feet, "I can't watch this," she said, then walked off. Olivia stared into the room with her eyes still on Ed.

"No." Ed said again. His hands gripped tighter onto the table.

"They found her in Foster's apartment. Neighbors called in the gunshots." She said gently. She waited for him to ask about Johnson, but he said nothing so she continued. "Cragen got the call. She was wearing her hospital bracelet still and...the hospital called SVU...I'm sending the others to check out the scene..." She stood there, and he still said nothing. After a moment she walked to the door. "I'll leave you." She walked out and into the observation room. No one spoke for a moment.

Then Joe broke the silence. "You can't just leave him alone like that."

"He needs a minute." Van Buren replied. She glanced into the room just as Ed let out a roar of a scream and threw the table over. Everyone in the observation room jumped. Then Ed grabbed one of the chairs and threw it against the wall. Being that it was an old wooden chair, its legs flew off. Stabler walked off not wanting to watch. Goren gave Joe a friendly pat on the back and led him out of the room as well. Van Buren and Benson stood together and watched as Ed grabbed another chair, turned it upside down and proceeded in hitting it repeatedly against the wall as it broke to pieces. He stood, helplessly, with only a chair leg in his hand and looked around the room.

"Not like this...it wasn't supposed..." He shook his head and ran his hand through his hair. "Misha, it wasn't..." He leaned over and let out another scream. He rested his hands on his knees and closed his eyes, breathing hard. He slowly turned his head and flickered a glance to the mirror. "Out." He said softly. So softly, they could barely tell he was talking to them. Then he stepped closer to the mirror and said louder. "Out. Whosoever in there, get out."

"Come on," Van Buren said to Benson. She started to walk out, but Olivia stayed. "He'll be okay. I'm going to put in a call to Skoda and the rest of you have work to do." She said.

Benson slowly nodded, then turned from the window. "Okay." She replied quietly. She followed Van Buren out of the room.

At the very same moment, Ed picked up a third chair and threw it against the mirror. "Out!" He yelled. The mirror shattered just as Benson and Van Buren stepped out of the observation room. They both spun around. When Ed finally saw that no one was watching, he fell to the floor in front of the mirror and leaned against the wall, his hands flat over the pieces of broken glass surrounding him. "I'm sorry Misha, I'm sorry." He said. He dropped his head and closed his eyes. He was out of breath, his mind was racing, and everything was a blur. His chest was tight, and he had a lump in his throat like a rock. He felt like he should be crying, but he couldn't. So he just sat there. "I'm sorry..."

The squad room was silent. Van Buren and the five other detectives stood quietly outside the observation room. Almost everyone else had gone home for the day, only a few other detectives were around, and they were all trying to look busy while also watching the drama unfold.

"Okay," Van Buren finally said. "Benson, Stabler go to Fosters apartment. Goren and Eames, go with. Figure out what happened, find something to link Johnson, and call me. Fontana, stick here for now. I want you to go sit on Johnson, but I don't want you going on your own. Since Ed's in no shape to join you, we'll get someone else." No one moved. "Today!" She barked. Goren, Eames, and Stabler started to walk off. Benson was standing in a daze.

"Liv." Stabler said from across the room.

She snapped to and looked up. "I'm coming." She walked up to him and the four left the building.

"You okay?" Elliott asked her, as they walked.

"Fine." She replied quickly. Then she sighed. "That was rough."

"It's far from over." Goren said, from in front of them. They continued walking, and reached their cars.

"We'll see you out there." Eames said.

Stabler nodded. He and Olivia got into their car. He looked over at her. "What?" He asked.

She kept her gaze out the window. "She should still be in the hospital...she'd still be alive."

"Don't blame yourself." Elliott said, as he pulled into traffic.

"It's hard not to."

"The only thing that would have kept her there would have been a pair of cuffs. You did what you could."

"Tell that to Green."

Fontana and Van Buren stood in her office. She had just hung up with Skoda, who was on his way in. She looked at Joe, who was leaning against the door with his arms crossed. He met her eyes. "We were there, Lieutenant. We were outside his apartment..."

"There's nothing you could have done, understand that right now. I need you focused. I'd go after Johnson with you, but someone needs to stick around here." She looked out the window at the 3 detectives still hanging around. "Go see if Martinez will sit with you. I'll call as soon as we have something."

"Can't we just pick him up anyway?"

"We could, but we have to do this right. I spoke to Borgia, she's working on a warrant, but says it'll be easier if we have something."

"Good luck," he said sarcastically before leaving.

"Misha...Misha, you home?" He called, knocking on her door. Her parents had left the day before for Chicago. With that and the fact that it was summer, she was probably still asleep. He knocked some more. "Come on Misha, get up." Finally the door opened. Misha was half-asleep in her bathrobe.

"What do you want? It's not even noon." She said grumpily.

"It's my day off, and my birthday. Let's go catch a movie or something."

"How about you go to a movie, then come back here when I'm ready to wake up?" She suggested.

"So you're just gonna sleep all summer?" He leaned against the door jamb.

"No. I'm going to eat and party...and whenever I'm not doing those two things, then I'll sleep."

He rolled his eyes. "Maybe you should cut back on the partying and go to the movies more. There are a lot of good ones out."

"Eddie?"

"Yes?"

"Go away." She shut the door in his face.

"I'll buy you cheesecake!" He called through the door.

In no time, she had flung the door open and pulled him in. "You wait, I'll get ready." She said, dashing off to her room.

He laughed. "I knew that'd get you." He said across the apartment.

"Yea yea." She replied from her room. She walked out a minute later, fully dressed. "What can I say...I just want you for your cheesecake." She smiled and walked out the door.

He followed with a laugh. "I knew it!"

Ed groaned and rubbed his forehead, as if to make the memories go away. Her face and voice kept flashing through his mind.

"I'm Misha Sullivan."

"Ed Green."

He grasped the fabric of his pants, trying to hold himself together.

"Don't worry Ed, you haven't seen the last of me."

His fingers clenched and unclenched.

"Nah, I mean a friend." He said softly.

"You promise?"

"Yea, I do. We'll always be friends. Someone's gotta look out for you."

He set his head back against the wall with a hard thud.

"Well don't let yourself worry too much...then you'll start to care too much...and we all know that can't happen."

"Wasn't supposed to be like this..." he mumbled.

"You know exactly what I'm telling you, Eddie! You just keep pretending, we'll all be good."

"...so sorry..." he continued with the mumbling.

"I'll miss you, Eddie. If you don't come with me, I'll miss you."

He shifted around so that he was parallel to the wall and he leaned his whole body against it.

"Don't you get it! It's relevant because I love you! I've been in love with you for a long time now! This is not a conquest, this is me being in love with you!"

He wrapped his arm around his face.

"You always said you'd protect me...so protect me."

"No. Leave me alone for good. You're not a part of my life anymore, Eddie, and I don't want you to be. Everything's different...I want you gone."

"I think a great ending would be dancing in the moonlight."

He turned back to his original position, draped his arms loosely on his raised knees, and stared at the wall ahead of him.

"Bye Eddie."

The last two kept playing again and again in his head, like a broken record. Without realizing it, he started softly hitting his head with his palm, and he also didn't realize that he was singing under his breath. "Everybody's dancing in the moonlight..."

Dr. Emil Skoda let himself into the room and looked around at the mess. He picked up the only non-broken chair and sat in it, and looked at Detective Green. A grown man, sitting around broken glass and chairs, hitting his forehead, and singing...he was a wreck. Skoda sat quietly for awhile, until Ed finally looked up and noticed him.

"Who sent you?"

"Lieutenant Van Buren."

"I don't need to talk to you. I need to..." he looked around. "I need to work on the case."

"No you don't. It's being taken care of."

"That's what you think."

"What does that mean?"

"No matter how hard we work this, he'll get away with it. He always does. It's no use." He said simply. He leaned his head back against the wall and closed his eyes. "Not much you can do, Doc."

"This latest victim...Misha...she was your friend?"

"I'm not talking to you." Green said.

"You need to talk to someone."

"Please...just leave me alone. Just...go away...I'll...I'll...be fine." Ed said.

"Your Lieutenant and partner are worried about you."

He opened his eyes and glared at Skoda. "I said I'll be fine."

Skoda crossed his arms, and said nothing. After a long time of the two staring at each other, Ed spoke again.

"Look...someone I cared about was murdered...I'm allowed to be upset."

"Yes, you are."

"It wasn't supposed to be this way. I was going to do things right this time. I was going to take care of her...I was going to fix her."

"We can't fix everything." Skoda said calmly.

"But I'm a cop...I should have been able to fix it...look, please...I can't do this now. I have to help with the case." He stood up, but swayed on his feet. He was lightheaded and dizzy.

"Maybe it would be best for you to go home and rest for a bit."

"I'm fine." Ed said through gritted teeth. He walked out the door and into the empty squad room. Everyone was gone, except Van Buren who was sitting in her office.

She walked out when she saw him. "You okay?" She glanced over at Skoda, who had followed Ed out. Skoda softly shook his head. "Come on Green, I'll drive you home." She said.

"No! I'm not going home! I'm working this case!"

"No, I'm sorry. You're not." She replied.

He dropped into his desk chair. "Fine. Then I'll sit right here and watch." He leaned forward and put his head down. Skoda sat across from him in Joe's desk and Van Buren lingered for a moment, then went back to her office. Within minutes, Ed had fallen into an emotionally exhausted sleep.