Chapter 11: Demise of the Automaton ~ Hitsugaya

My chest ached badly.

My eyes were stinging.

My cheeks were becoming wet.

My body was trembling as I sat against the exterior of the bathtub. I felt as if I was slowly eroding into nothing. My heart beat was unsteady... irregular. It felt hard to breathe and I continued to hiccup as water fell from my eyes.

Feelings were corrupting me and I felt as if I were sinking deeper and deeper into confusion. Hate. Love. Desire. Confusion. Acceptance.

"Why...?" I was pathetic at this moment, whispering things in a weak manner as I let myself fall apart bit by diminutive bit...

"Toshiro...?" A soft knock against the bathroom door and I stiffened more drawing my legs closer to my body, folding in on myself now. My skin was melting away, my bones cracking. It was agony.

"No..." I muttered.

"Toshiro please... may I come in?" Such a gentle tone from such a gentle man. My chest ached more.

"I..." Words died from my lips and I prepared for my last breath. These feelings these thoughts that drifted through my mine would surely be the death of me. For to having feelings was against my nature...

The door knob twisted then the door opened. My vision was blurred from the tears still flowing, they were never ending. I saw the flash of orange which could only be classified as Ichigo Kurosaki. Then the touch that classified him as well. The gentle touch to my cheek by a strong hand, caressing the skin lightly a thumb passing over the tears lingering.

"No..." Again words began to resurface, I grabbed his hand with my free one, my other staying knotted in the shirt I wore. I tossed his hand away from my face. He was nothing but a blur still but that didn't stop me from noticing the frown upon his face.

"Toshiro..." He held the gentle tone then I could see his hand move to my face again. I moved to stand and move past him thinking that I was truly the quicker of the two of us. But he had Despair and easily pinned me to the floor, straddling me lightly and holding my arms out eagle style while my head rested against the small towel textured rug he had over the tiled floor of the bathroom.

"LET ME GO!" I yelled as loud as I could, as loud as my body would let me. I began to struggle against his hold he had on my wrist.

"Toshiro please just talk to me! Tell me what you're feeling." His voice was serious but the worried side shown through.

"No...!"

"Toshiro please..." He begged.

"No..."

"Talk to me..."

"..." I turned my head to the side and closed my eye hiccupping again the tears still going. I had never cried before and I never wanted to again after this...

"Toshiro..." His voice was just a whisper now and his hands moved to have his finger intertwine with mine, lightly squeezing.

"My chest hurts... it hurts so bad..."

"I'm sorry..."

I cracked my eyes open but did not dare look his way. I instead saw our hands together. Mine was incredibly small compared to his, and mine was shaking while his kept a steady grip, a gentle grip on mine.

"What else are you feeling?" He kept whispering.

I stayed silent for a few moments then opened my mouth a shaky breath releasing from my body. "...Why?"

"Why what Toshiro?"

"Why did you have to ask about my family..."

His grip tightened just a bit more.

"Is that why you suddenly ran off...?" Answering my question with his own... of course.

"...I..."

"Toshiro why do you lie to me? Why do you try to hide things?"

"Lie...?" How stupid to act like I hadn't.

"Yes... like with the questions the other day... and then just now... you said you wished not know your family because its better off that way... that's a lie isn't it?"

"...yes." I keep giving into him, but I can't help myself, there is just something inside of me that just seems to be fond of him, to want to give in.

"You want a family then?"

"No..." I was confusing myself now.

"Toshiro don't lie anymore... please... it hurts me..." One hand let go of one of mine and then went to caress my cheek. "Please look at me..."

I slowly obeyed and turned my head back to him, the tears slowing for now.

"I can be your family if you want..."

"I don't need-..."

"You do, Toshiro." He had a serious look but a slight frown still.

"Why?"

"So you have someone to confide in... to talk to... to trust in... to express yourself... that's why you need someone... I'm willing to be there for you... so why can't you just let me?"

"I...I don't know." His hand against my face, it felt warm.

"Then can you let me?"

I stared up at him.

"I wanna be here for you Toshiro." He kept his hands where they were, one caressing my cheek, the other still intertwined with one of mine.

I was quiet, thinking things over as I just stared up at him. My body moved on its own. I squeezed his hand back for a moment then pulled my hand away from his, I sat up the moved my hands towards his body, he shifted to sit on his knees. I grasped his shirt and he just watched me with a gentle expression then one of his hands moved to the back of my head, the other to the middle of my back. I pressed my face against his chest and he held me close.

"Please..." I was probably so weak looking right now, clinging to Ichigo the way I was with tear stains on my face. "Ichigo...please..." I didn't care though because I decided to trust in him, to let him see me this way.

"Shh..." He cooed. "You don't have to say anymore I'm right here..." I felt his face press into my hair and breath softly. I listened to his steady heartbeat. I let my breathing slow down, my chest didn't feel as if it were about to burst anymore. Suddenly it was as if everything had been lifted, the heavy cloud of sorrow was gone for now as I stayed close against him. Everything steadied itself, I wasn't confused anymore. I understood now why I was willing to obey him, to allow myself to confide in him. I was falling for him. But in no way did that bother me, I welcomed those feelings for him because they were warm, just like him. But... did he really feel the same way towards me? Or was I really just going to appear as family to him?

I pushed the thoughts away and just stayed close, moving my arms around his entire body.

"Does your chest still ache Toshiro?" He called softly.

"No... not anymore." I replied and closed my eyes.

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