Chapter 11- Little House of Savages
Peyton had been staring at her mobile phone for the past two hours now. The sun had long since set and the night sky was starting to embark as she sat on the edge of her bed, her mind running rabid trying to persuade her to call; or not call; that stupid blonde headed boy that continued to make her heart and emotions swirl; whether she liked it or not.
She knew she had screwed him over, that she had hurt him, and that she had quite possibly broken his heart; whether her subconscious wanted to admit it or not. But she also knew she was far too deep in her new life to simply back out now.
This fear, somewhat irrational in the eyes of others; that constantly gnawed at her was not easy to escape. It wasn't easy to escape all the dreaded memories and hurtful words she had been plagued with. It wasn't easy to continue suffering through the psychological and emotional damage those words and actions had caused. It wasn't easy having this constant reminder in her head that she just couldn't escape, reminding her of her life before Tree Hill.
But what she did know, that what she had been doing for the past year or so, being this 'perfect' popular, cheerleader, nobody had ever dared to cause her that much pain again.
Well… that was before you went off the rails.
And sure, at times she hated the uncomfortable, sometimes too revealing clothing she forced herself to wear. She hated the fact her cheeks would ache for hours because of that ridiculous fake smile she constantly forced on her face, and she sure as hell hated be dragged from party to party at some random's house and watch everyone drink and drink and throw up and drink some more.
All these characteristics that others craved and achieved were so meaningless and petty to her, but regardless of all of these and more, she was willing to make whatever sacrifice she had to in order to be this bitchy, high school cheerleading zombie chick so she would never have to live that life full of pain and torment again.
But the question that continued to taunt her was:
Was she willing to sacrifice Lucas?
That blonde headed blue eyed beauty that seemed to understand Peyton Sawyer better than she understood herself?
That boy who allowed her to spill all her fears and regrets without the slightest hint of judgement?
That boy who accepted the Peyton Sawyer that was no-one knew was hidden behind closed doors.
Yeah.
That boy you hit with your car than forced him to walk home with an injured leg because he said something that ticked you off.
That boy you called a 'bloody loser who would never accomplish anything in his pathetic excuse for a life.'
That boy who called you a bitch in the middle of class infront of everyone.
That boy who watched you get back with his brother the day after you kissed him.
That boy who made you choose between himself or Nathan.
That boy who said he'd always be there for you.
So tell me Peyton, where the hell is he now?
She bit her bottom lip roughly, trying to extinguish the thoughts that scolded herself, bringing forward all the heart clenching truths she wished never existed.
Holy shit. Our relationship is fucked up.
Was.
Our relationship was fucked up.
Before you ruined it all. Again.
She continued to stare at her phone, a nauseating weight settling in the pit of her stomach as her darkened hazel orbs glistened with tears.
She wasn't worth it.
She didn't deserve him.
All she had done was cause a turmoil of pain into his life when all he did was try and be there for her.
Finally! Something we agree on!
She threw her phone across the room in a fit of rage; anger and shame pulsed through her veins as the barricade holding the tears back finally fell, allowing the river to flow freely from her eyes as she silently cried.
She roughly wiped the tears falling from her eyes away, scolding herself for crying once more, for showing another sign of just how weak she was.
She didn't know how long she sat there, staring into the distance. Her eyes were bloodshot as she strained them not to cry. A few lines of the 'girly' glittery makeup she forced herself to wear streaked down her cheek, making her look like a cheap whore.
And that's honestly something she felt like, what she had been feeling like since that night. Revulsion, revulsion for herself, for both her body and the decisions she had made since then; shame, shame for causing so much pain to someone who had genuinely cared; and guilt, guilt for that night, guilt for lying to everyone, guilt for being with Nathan and guilt for stringing Lucas into her fucked up life.
Her lifeless eyes drifted to the bathroom door, the scars on her wrist igniting into a burning pain for spilt second, before evaporating away, leaving her body with the craving for more.
As if on autopilot, her body unravelled and stood, her mind numb as she slowly walked over to her bathroom door. The 'good part' of her subconscious screamed at her to stop, to turn around and get back into the bed, to go for a drive, to do anything; but those screams were nothing but a silent whisper in the back of her mind, going unnoticed as the burning desire grew in her chest and spread all over her body with each step she took.
She leaned against the door frame, her heart suddenly beating at an erratic rate as she stared aimlessly at the cupboard on the wall, knowing full well that the blade was right there, waiting for her.
Her hand shook as she held it infront of her, eyeing the sharp silver edge carefully. Her stomach twisted and lurched at the sight, but her mind edged her on, reminding her of how it felt to literally escape the pain and watch it flow away.
The leather band fell from her wrist, bringing forward all her other attempts to escape scarred into her flesh. She sighed deeply, bringing forth the razor to her tender skin, though not hard enough to cut, yet, just savouring the coldness of it as it sent shivers of delight and fear radiating through her.
Her body jerked from the shock and the razor fell to the floor as the obnoxious ringtone suddenly interrupted her. The fog cleared from her eyes and they grew wide as the realisation of what she was doing entered her mind. Her head flew back into her room, her eyes roaming desperately for her discarded cell phone that continued to ring loudly.
She staggered towards it, her mind swirling in her skull as she could still feel the shock radiating through her, With a shaking hand she picked up her phone, ignoring the 'unknown number' that flashed vigorously on the device and placed it to her ear
'He—Hello?' She asked, shocked at the unsteadiness of her voice.
Get it together Peyton!
Confidence!
'Peyton? Are you okay?'
She felt like she had just been slapped in the face as her mind recognised the familiar voice had drifted into her ear. 'Lucas?' she asked, added shock sobering her up instantly.
'Yeah. It's me. Are you okay?' He pushed on, concern present in his tone.
Her voice got caught in the extremities of her throat as the guilt and shame that had just been annihilated from her body resurfaced.
Why the hell does he give a damn.
You've done nothing but cause him anger and pain.
Stop giving him hope.
Hang up hang up hang up!
'Peyton?'
'Huh?'
'I said are you okay?' the concern growing rapidly in his voice.
No I'm not okay.
I haven't been okay for over a year.
Out of all people you should know that.
'I…uh…The question is are you okay?...You know, after today…' she asked hesitantly, adverting his question.
'I'll uh….I'll be fine.' He generalised and Peyton had to stop herself from scoffing in disbelief.
Yeah, cause I haven't used that one before.
'Why'd you call?' Peyton asked, choosing to ignore the scolding of her subconscious.
'I uh, wanted to talk to you…'
'You said you wanted nothing to do with me.' She snapped suddenly, the bitchy cheerleading zombie suddenly taking over.
Lucas sighed deeply. 'Look Peyton, I know I said if you chose Nathan I wouldn't want anything to do with you… But, I need someone here. I need someone here to just sit and listen and not judge. I need someone here. I need you now more than ever Peyton.' He blurted out desperately, his voice shaking and Peyton could obviously tell he truly meant them.
No.
No.
NO.
'Of course Luke. I'll be there.' She answered softly, a small smile spread across her face. No traces of urges and emotions that had been spiralling through her present in her body anymore.
-x-
She wrapped her arms around herself as the cold mercilessly attacked her.
This stupid cardigan doesn't do shit. She muttered to herself, looking into her back seat, surprise and temptation washing over her when her eyes fell on the her old Ramones hoodie that laid forgotten under the back seat from her previous life.
She bit her lip deep in thought, temptation growing as another shiver danced through her.
NO.
Cheerleaders do not wear band merchandise unless it's like Gwen Stefani or Beyoncé!
Beauty is pain!
It's a better pain that fists and words.
What if someone else saw you Peyton?!
Don't risk it!
She sighed in defeat and pulled her keys out of the ignition, before stepping out of her car. She felt her skin freeze beneath the thin cardigan as a giant gust of wind attacked her.
'Fuck that.' She muttered, opening the backseat door and grabbing out the worn hoodie that she hadn't worn in god knows how long. Discarding the excuse for a cardigan into the back seat she pulled the hoodie over herself, feeling the long forgotten familiar comfort of being the Peyton Sawyer before well, everything.
The Peyton Sawyer she had to admit she kinda missed.
Warmth immediately captivated her and she smiled slightly as she snuggled deeper into the over-sized item of clothing which completely contrasted the skin-tight, too revealing outfits she hated to wear on a daily basis.
She walked towards the shadowy figure hunched over the picnic table, and suddenly the fear, guilt insecurity and shame washed over her in a tidal wave.
You can still turn around and go back!
He doesn't know you're here yet!
Come on Peyton go!
She froze in her step, a misty fog generating with each breath she exhaled, the temptation to leave almost convinced her to run away and somehow make it easier to forget the blonde headed blue eyed boy that looked absolutely miserable from where she was standing.
Confidence Peyton.
She straightened her stance and walked over to him, the awkwardness and unknowing anticipation growing with each step she took.
'Hey…' She said hesitantly, involuntarily jumping back as Lucas' head shot up suddenly.
'Oh…Hey, you… you actually came.' He said, the doubt still present in his voice.
'I said I would.' She shrugged.
'Nice hoodie.' He commented, smiling slightly.
Peyton blushed slightly, self-consciousness washing over her as her mind screamed at her to just fucking run.
'Do you wanna sit?' He asked politely, gesturing to the space next to him.
Peyton merely shrugged in agreement as she climbed the picnic table and sat beside him, sitting on the table as she rested her feet on the seat.
'Sorry you couldn't come to mine, I know it's cold, but Mum was home… and….well…' He drifted off, keeping his gaze firmly planted on the basketball court infront of him.
'And you didn't want her to hear you?' She filled in, realisation flooded through her when she realised just how serious whatever Lucas was going to tell her was.
'Yeah.' He stated, his eyes still plastered to the court before him.
They sat in silence, neither daring to speak, though both desperately wanted to. The silence continued to grow and gnawed at both their minds, screaming at their internal conscious to speak, to move, to make a sound; anything.
'It's your heart isn't it?' Peyton whispered in a hushed tone, the silence becoming too much for her to bear. Her voice shook slightly as images of Lucas' deathly pale face entered her mind, his body bent over as he desperately grasped his chest, his mouth agape as he struggled for the precious oxygen that his lungs so desperately craved for to enter his system.
The visualisation chilled her to the core at the haunting images.
No more medical shows for you Peyton.
'Yeah…' Lucas sighed, clenching his eyes firmly close as if he were trying to rid the truth of his condition, swearing slightly on how easy she managed to sum up what was wrong with him.
'What happened?' she asked sympathetically.
'Got the results back. Got HCM.' He shrugged off, forcing an expressionless mask on his face as he rendered his tone to stay neutral, not wanting to present the vulnerability he was feeling. But he couldn't stop his face from darkening and the vibrant blue in his eyes from slowly fading away as a clouded fog engulfed his irises.
Peyton's breath hitched as she felt herself literally crumble away. 'Oh God Luke, I'm so sorry.' She whispered, meaning every single word. It took all the self-control she had to not place a reassuring hand on his shoulder, or to not hold him tight and mutter incoherent lies that everything was going to be okay.
'It's nothing.' Lucas attempted to shrug off, fully knowing that this was defiantly not nothing.
'This is not nothing!' Peyton exclaimed in disbelief, bringing forth his internal thoughts and the truth behind his condition. She jumped down from the table, a whirlwind of emotions shook through her, causing her body to tremble. 'How can you not understand how serious this is?!'
'I know it's not nothing!' Lucas retorted as he too stood up, his eyes narrowed as his jaw was clenched. 'You think I don't know how serious this is?! You think I don't know that this can kill?! Or did you forget that it almost killed me?!' he harshly spat out, regretting it immediately as he watched the hurt glisten in her hazel eyes.
Peyton collapsed down on the seats of the picnic table and buried her face in her hands, his words stabbing her. Anger, resentment, despair and worry flowed through her like the blood that pulsed through her veins. The confirmed truth of his new found condition affecting her more than she liked to believe.
'What are you going to do?' she genuinely enquired softly, looking up to glazed and lifeless eyes.
He sighed deeply as he saw the desperation in her eyes and slowly sat down beside her. He roughly ran his hands over his face, trying to rid the look of her face and the emotions spiralling through her eyes that were now permanently etched into his mind, knowing full well that they would haunt him forever.
'I'm not going to do anything…' He admitted softly, staring aimlessly into the distance, not willing to look at the broken girl he had loved since she had first saw her.
'But there's got to be something!' Peyton exclaimed ludicrously. 'Medication?! Operations?! Limitations?!'
'There is…But I'm not doing any of that Peyton.'
Peyton stared at him, her eyes wide in shock as rage flooded her.
'What the hell do you mean you're not doing any of that?!' She exclaimed in spite and disbelief.
'I can't afford the medication-' he began before Peyton cut him off.
'Well get your Mum to pay for them?!'
'No.' He stated flatly, turning his head to look at her, darkness loomed over his face as his face was twisted into a warning glare. 'No one is going to find out about this. Not Whitey, not Keith, not anyone. Especially my Mum.'
'What?! You're still going to be playing basketball?! Even though it could kill you?!'
'That's the plan.' He stated firmly.
'Lucas! You can't just run away from this. You can't pretend you're okay and continue living the life you're living now!'
'Funny.' He smirked bitterly. 'I've been telling you the exact same thing.'
Peyton stood up outraged. 'Don't you dare turn this on me!' She pointed her index finger warningly.
Lucas stood up, 'Well if you think about it, it's pretty fucking similar. Me lying to everyone, pretending I'm fine when really I'm breaking inside? Me putting on his fake smile to hide all the shit going through my head, those thoughts doubting everything, scolding me when I accidently do something that I wouldn't usually do? Me keeping my mum in the dark about what's going on? Versus you. You lying to everyone about who you really are. You telling everyone you're fine and trying to lead the life you think you have to, when really you're so full of pain that you're not willing to allow other people to see. You fighting with yourself and torturing yourself when you do something you think wouldn't be accepted in your bitchy cheerleading personality? You not letting the ones you love, including your own father, know about all the shit going on through your life and hiding behind this fake smile?'
'Is that what you bought me out here for?!' She yelled, her tears welling in her hazel orbs. 'To torture me some more?! First you tell me you want nothing to do with me, then you call me up and tell me to meet you so you can tell me this big ass secret that could mean the difference between life and death, and then you turn this whole situation on myself?!'
'No! I bought you out here because I fucking needed someone to talk to! I needed someone who wouldn't judge me and would just shut their mouth and listen and accept what I was saying!' He growled, his eyes narrowed as he started at the raging blonde standing before him. 'Someone who would understand! Not someone who would react the way you're acting now! Yes, I don't like how you've chosen to live your life, but I didn't force you or suggest to you to give up the things you love. I did the complete opposite! I tried to get you to embrace the things that make you, you!'
'Do you enjoy fucking with me Lucas?!' she spat, her eyes burning. 'Do you enjoy saying you'll be there for me and allow myself to spill ever single stupid secret about myself just so you can use it against me?! Dressing in annoying designer clothes and being a cheerleader is nothing compared to you playing basketball and possibly dying!'
'But this life is killing you Peyton! You're not happy with the people you hang out with. Nathan hurts you. He pushes you around in front of everybody, he's given you bruises before! I see you remembering your past when that happens! I see you reliving your past! You're not a cheery cheerleader, you hate it. That fake smile you plaster on your face isn't real at all! It makes you miserable! What about when you showed me those scars on your wrist, there were fresh ones! You haven't lived in that town for over a year now, yet you still allow yourself to get that razor and cut away the pain. What happens when you've had a really shitty day huh?! What happens when you get distracted or something and you accidently cut a little deeper huh?! What will happen when you're bleeding out on the bathroom floor, desperately calling for help but of course no one can hear you because your father is still out in the middle of the ocean!'
'Stop it!' she yelled, her voice hoarse as the tears continued to fall down her face as Lucas brought forward every frightening truth. 'That is nothing like you!' her voice broke in anger, her mind not accepting what he was saying. 'I'm so done Lucas! I'm done with your shit! I don't care if I have to wear that ridiculous cheerleading outfit or if my boyfriend gets a little too angry! I will never go back to my past! I can't allow them to know of my past. I can't relive that! Stop reminding me of it okay! Stop using it against me just so it can make you feel a little better for you lying to everyone about a fatal condition just so you can play fucking basketball. I'm done with my past,' She growled, ripping off her hoodie and throwing it onto the concrete ground of the River Court. 'And I'm sure as hell done with you!' she spat, turning around and storming back to her car.
'Here's a newsflash Peyton!' Lucas angrily called out to the shadowy figure that continued to stalk off into the night. 'People are going to find out about your past whether you like it or not!'
-x-
A/N: If you're there staring at this like 'WHAAAAAA' I promise things will start to make more sense in future chapters—Very soon infact!
As usual thank-you so much for the reviews! Really appreciated!
A/N 2: Currently, I am working on two very different stories, this one and another. Basically both these stories have equal demands/reviews.
I haven't had frequent internet available on my travels, so when I'm not online I usually sit myself and work on these two, and by the time I manage to get internet I have completed a chapter of each.
However, I am now able to access the internet more frequently, and in order to write a new chapter when I am not blessed with a brainwave is to basically force myself infront of the computer until the creativity flows.
Due to the fact I am uploaded both these stories today, I've decided to wait a few days and see which story gets the most response, and in that case I will dedicate myself to that story and write the next chapter for that one before rotating between stories.
So basically I'm saying if you want me to hurry up and update this story leave me a review, and if this story gets more demand than the other I'll write for this one first instead of forcing you to wait.
Confusing for myself too, I know!
Hoped you enjoyed!
-Lexii xx
A/N: Individual responses:
Guest #1- Hope this sufficed for you!
LucasandPeytonTLA: I'm afraid you're going to have to wait just a bit longer to find out the mysterious voice, but with the plan I have in my head I have a feeling it might surprise a few people…
Guest #2: Ahh, yes. I've had others hating the way Peyton has been treating Lucas, and it was always my plan to bring forward that she does in fact believe she doesn't deserve him, and I sort of presented that in the chapter. The funny thing is I don't yet know what kind of a relationship they'll have at the end of the story. I have everything else pretty mapped out, but with that I'm clueless. Friendship or Relationship? I don't exactly know how to get it back to that level realistically at this point. Hmmm.
Julie: Welcome to the wonderful world of FanFiction Julie! I'm glad you discovered this site and that you liked my story, your review meant so much to me, instantly made me smile! I hope you enjoy all the wonderful stories and talented authors out there, Keep reading!