Chapter 11: Alive

Rating: T for Teens

Disclaimer: …hahahahaHAHAHAHA I don't own anything.

"You're not dead, but you're not alive either. You're a ghost with a beating heart."

— Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls

The seams on my existence seemed to unveil around me as I drifted from one task to another almost naturally. I drifted to engineering to training with Sulu and Chekov to falling asleep to the rustling of Carol's papers she was currently working on.

"It's just a routine checkup," I heard Scotty explain to another red shirt on his way out of the engine room. "Especially with that mess a few weeks back, we want to make sure this beut is still on tip top condition."

Scotty said something else that made them both crack up in laughter but I already started zoning out of the conversation. Robotically, I finished my task of logging in what machines were still not in the blue after the dragon incident and what their progress was in repair.

I would have slept my problems away if a certain curly haired demon didn't waltz in and dangle my sanity his lithe hands. Groaning I covered my entire body under the covers, "Who even let you in, Chekov?"

I could practically feel the innocence he was trying to exude, "Vhat do you mean? The door was already open."

The door definitely wasn't open and Carol most certainly didn't let him in considering her shift didn't end for another two hours. Nice try Chekov, but your curls of innocence and your glittering angel eyes can't work on me when I can't see them.

The covers around me are torn away and I instantly feel exposed. I cover my body and hiss at him, "What?"

"We are being provided shore leave," Chekov cheekily smiled. "Captain's orders."

I wanted to remind him that I didn't actually work here and that Captain Kirk had no real power over me the thought pushed me further away from him. It further reminded me that I didn't belong here; that I never did and never will. I was supposed to be in my second semester of college right now being undecided. Maybe I still was and this whole thing was a dream. It wouldn't be the first time I had gotten myself in over my head. "What the hell is a shore leave? And why does that require me to move?"

Chekov gave a mock gasp that sounded more like a squeak, "Vhen ve get to leaz the zip. Since ve need to stop here for supplies and to get some more repairs done on the Enterprise Captain Kirk issued that we can relax a little... outside."

At the last word he yanked my thin covers off and I groaned loudly. I wanted to remind him of the last time we went off ship but his bright eyes and the way he was practically jumping just standing there made me stop. He was just so damn excited, like having a golden retriever and finally coming home from a long day of work – the worst kind of excited. The kind of excited you couldn't say no too.

"Woah," I whispered looking at a small man maybe three feet in height making his way to the ship. Grunting he pushed his way past me, not even looking up from his task. There had to be hundreds – thousands – of them walking around with random articles of metal and tools toward the Enterprise. "What are they?"

"You would commonly know them as Brownies on Earth if you wanted to know the closest thing to describe them," Carol said, looking down on them as well a small smile on her face. "But here they're just…. People. They call themselves Tarkol though, if you really want to know. They help us out in exchange for something we give them in return. If you ask me, we get the better deal because all the Federation gives are mango preserves but they seem to love it."

"Hmmm, kinda look more like chickens," I whispered back, eyeing their small stature and dry skin. Carol choked back a laugh and punched my arm saying, "I bet you don't look so normal to them."

"I guess you're right," I shrugged messaging where she punched me. You wouldn't expect she'd be that strong but you'd be surprised. "Since, people have always told me I had a strong resemblance to a giraffe."

Carol looked at me seriously. The look on her face sort of scared me and almost made me take it back when she broke into a smile and said, "Yeah, I can sort of see that."

I screamed exultantly, "I can't believe you agreed with me!"

"You're the one who said it," She said in her defense, her hand up covering her body.

"Hey! You two giggling girls over there," Sulu yelled at them from across the enclosure surrounding the Enterprise. "One of you isn't on shore leave yet. That's ok though at least you have me around."

Sulu winked at Carol in good humor and she pretended to throw up. Chekov laughed from behind Sulu and said something in his ear that made him hit Chekov on the arm. As me and Carol made our way toward them Chekov grabbed my arm and dragged me in the opposite direction. "Remember? Shore leave."

"But Carol and-"

Sulu waved good bye towards us and in mockery called, "Remember, children your bedtime is at 11, ok? I expect her to be back by then, son!"

Traitor.

"This better be worth it. I swear, Chek-"

We had barely made it up the grassy cliff when I looked to the sky to see an array of colors on a canvas of red. There were two suns on Tuyutis and at night they would set in different directions so when they both set, both their colors would quoting Chekov now "blow you're mind into the next dimension". While I was still here, the sight was pretty cool. The lights above seemed to dance together and set everything underneath in black – intensifying the colors above. I could hear a few people below us gasp at the sight and point it out to their friends and I wished Sulu and Carol were here to share this moment with us, but I wasn't about to start complaining.

Chekov pulled out a bottle of what I presumed was alcohol because of the mischievous look in his eye… Which ironically enough made him look more doe eyed. "Isn't the legal drinking age 21?"

"Not in Tuyutis."

Sneaky.

We passed around the bottle between us as we decided to start asking each other questions. We started with easy questions: What's your favorite color? If you had a superpower what would it be? What's your favorite show? Our topics varied and soon realized that Chekov's favorite color was green, that he wanted to have the power to reverse time, that he enjoyed the show was Big Intervention (whatever that was) and that he could impersonate the main lead (I could only assume how well he did and wondered if the lead was Russian).

I told him that my favorite color was blue, that if I could I would fly, and asked how Doctor Who ended. He didn't know. That was ok with me though, he didn't have to know everything – like how my favorite color was blue simply by the color of his eyes. I almost spit out my drink, I couldn't believe I let myself think that.

"Can't hold it dovn?" Chekov snickered, his accent alittle more prominent now than ever before. "You know, we Russians inwented alcohol - 1890."

"No," I slapped his arm. "I'm pretty sure that was the French!"

He looked offended, "How vould you know? Vere you there vhen it happened?"

"Maybe," I laughed, lightly punching him in the arm. "I bet you don't even remember when I came from. For all you know I invented alcohol!"

"Oh yeah?" Chekov challenged, rolling over to face me fully. "Say something in French than!"

"My pleasure," I said getting up and doing a little bow. I bowed my head for a second as well and faced him and smiled a practiced expression. Long hours of practice. In the mirror of the second floor girls bathroom because no one went in there and the last time I made weird faces in the privacy of my own my cousin ran in on me and never let me live it down. It was a pretty good expression too if I say so myself, it was a look that said total shy girl sweetheart. How else could I have gotten golf jock Victor Miaz to ask me out for prom? Hello. Don't you think we've had too much alcohol? "Bonjour. Je pense que nous pourrions être en état d'ébriété."

"Neh," Chekov waved distastefully. "Sounds rehearsed."

"Everyone's a critique!" I scoffed unbelievably, though it was. I was friends with an exchange student from France my junior year of High School and she was a notorious drunk and you pick up a few things. We continued to talk about everything and nothing at all. He told me the story between him and Sulu and how they met and eventually became best friends. I also told him about the time I survived three days off solely mozzarella sticks and red Gatorade because my parents were away on a business trip.

He had never played poker before but had gotten so drunk during his first New Years Eve in Starfleet that Sulu had to drive all the way from his parents house to bail him out and in thanks he threw up all over Sulu's car.

"Why did you join Starfleet anyway?" We were both drunk enough anyway, might as well get something out of it. "How old are you again? Fifteen?"

Chekov attempted and failed a glare, "Eighteen! And I'm pretty sure I'm older than you. Vhen's your birth month?"

"July," Matching Chekov's smirk. Laughing Chekov replied with "March."

"OH! Ok, whatever Mr. Old Wise Man! I mean no disrespect!" I gave a mock bow, putting my hands together. "Now entertain me with a story. Why Starfleet so young? Isn't that like college? How smart can you be anyway?"

Chekov shrugged, rolling his shoulders on the Earth to get more relaxed, "I don't know. I just wanted…. To make something of myself. I wanted to get out." In a quieter voice he said, "I was afraid… To be nothing."

I could feel a tightness in the back of my throat. I guess that makes two of us. I laughed softly and looked up to the sky, "That's seems kind of counter productive to me." Saying nothing I continued, "Under all the star, being next to them. Doesn't that make you feel small? Knowing that there is so much out there?"

"No," Chekov said simply. "Seeing it… Seeing all these things and life, it gives me meaning. That even the smallest things are something. The bigger the picture the more crucial of all the pieces."

I didn't question further, I could see his eyes fluttering to stay open. I raised my hand to touch him, to feel connected with something – anything. I wanted to connect with him. My hand hovered inches from his wrist before I let it drop, my hand empty and cold. I closed my eyes and whispered, "I fear the same thing too, Chek - nothingness. You have nothing to see though, I know. You will be the best navigator in the world and eventually surpass Kirk as Captain."

In a doze I could still hear Chekov snort down a laughter. I pouted at him though I was sure he couldn't see, "I'm serious, Chekov. You're meant for great things. You're going to be the best Captain the world – the universe - has ever seen and… Just remember me, ok? When you're a star and Sulu has finally passed you on you're physical."

Chekov let out a small sigh, like a balloon being deflated. "Why would I forget you? Where would you be?"

I want to be with you. Being on the Enterprise….. It was beyond my wildest dreams. I wanted to fly too, among the stars. Even if it meant getting lost and never returning to what I once knew… But I knew nothing of this life. I couldn't keep up, and I was meant for something else. "Earth. Looking up at you in the stars."

Chekov turned to lie on his side to look at me, "That seems more impossible than me being Captain."

Closing my eyes I smiled, "You're stupid."

"…I killed someone."

My eyes snapped open and I jolted up. I looked down on him but he had already turned away from me. His shoulders were tense under his command gold and his head was hunched into his stomach. He was in a fetal position as if he wanted to shrink into himself. I felt like there was a gold ball stuck in my throat. "What?"

I tried to make my voice sound light, as if it was a joke but it just came out raspy and hard. When he didn't reply, I tried clearing my throat and laughed a little at him, "Come on, Chekov. That's the dumbest thing I've heard all day, and that's pretty intense because I've said some stupid things all day."

His eyes were closed and for a second I thought he had died. I wouldn't be surprised because I almost died from heart palpitations. I almost kicked his shin – he had no right to just got possum on me. I wanted answers but Chekov didn't seem willing to give them. I made my way around his so I was sitting in front of him. I pulled the bottle from his hands and simply looked at him dejectedly. His breaths were more drawn out and his body looked limp. The guy just told me something that could have been possibly the most important and dangerous thing a person could know about someone else and he just fell asleep. Unbelievable.

"Pavel," I began. I knew he was asleep and if anyone had came to look for us probably and saw me probably would have sent to the psych ward without a second thought or doubt. I know I didn't actually truly knew the guy, but that didn't stop me from thinking I did. I had a deep-rooted instinct that Chekov was the type of guy that would read about the little kid who would throw starfish in the ocean to save at least one and take it to heart and do the same everyday after that. I sighed, "Pavel, the only person you're killing here is me."