A/N: Here is the next chapter.. sorry for the delay, I have very busy beta's. And speaking of betas.. I have 2 of the most AWESOME beta's ever- PisceanPal23 and CullenandSwan1993- thanks ladies!
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As always- I do not own Twilight or any of the characters- except in my dreams- *big sigh* Enjoy the next chapter!
Confrontations and Declarations
I swallowed the groan that threatened to fall from my lips. On some level I expected this to happen; it didn't mean I wanted it. What was there to say? I had said everything I wanted to. There would be no taking it back, for every word I said was true. Reaching out with my mind, I tried to penetrate Alice's thoughts. Instead, I ran into her translating the Declaration of Independence into Latin. It's going to be one of those conversations.
Knowing it was childish, I refused to be the one to break the silence. If Alice had something on her mind, let her be the one to talk first. Together we jogged, following Carlisle's scent back to the house. My senses were overloaded with information, almost too much to process. The wind as it swept through the trees, the birds flying overhead, the bright sun as it filtered through the dense forest. Even the smell of Carlisle and Alice added to the melee of sounds and sights. I concentrated on focusing on each individually, hoping to ease my brain and senses into everything. Slowly, it worked, for it no longer was a din of noise, but a background hum.
"I'm sorry." Her voice was soft and kind. It had been too long since I heard Alice speak to me this way. I looked over at her and her tawny eyes were full of sincerity. She tried to pull the corners of her mouth into a smile, but it looked all wrong. I waited to see if she would explain what she was sorry for. This was not going to be an easy give or take.
"I never meant to hurt you with the images of Bella." Hearing her name uttered caused a spasm of pain to flash through my body. I had tried not to say it too much, knowing the agony it brought. Alice watched me and I saw my torment reflected in her eyes.
"Even that hurts?" Her question was innocent enough, but the implications that were layered throughout ran deep. We both knew that it would be next to impossible for everyone to not think her name and if I cringed each time... Well, it was going to be a long existence.
"I just wanted you to know, that she hurts too. I just wanted things back the way they were." She hung her head in sadness; it was obvious she missed Bella as well.
"It won't last long." I punctuated each word, to demonstrate the deep belief I held that she would not hurt for long. "You even showed her at school. She moved on, like I wanted her to." I held Alice's gaze, convey to her how much I needed to believe this. Alice's tiny mouth thinned out and her eyes grew hard. She wanted to say something, argue her point. But what was the use? I held onto my frail convictions; they were all I had left.
"You can't live like this. You're not even living, you're just a shell." Her words brought me up short. Was that how I looked to her, to Carlisle, and the rest of my family? Looking inside, I realized how true her words were. There was nothing left. My spirit lay in a heap of dust in the cave. My dead heart lay broken and shattered in a forest in Forks. My desire to continue being was also in Forks. What else did I have?
I found myself on my knees with Alice kneeling in front of me, watching my frozen terrified face. She grabbed my hands and rubbed soothing circles on the backs. Her emotions played across her face; concern, fear, sadness and anger.
Bending down so I could see her eyes she whispered, "This is madness, Edward. How can you continue on like this, for an eternity?" Shaking my head vigorously, I rejected her question. "Not eternity, only until she dies, then I try to die as well."
"What?" She jerked her hands out of mine and began to pace the small area I had stopped in. Her body was quaking from the force of her emotions. At first I had no idea why she was reacting this way. The idea that I would end my miserable existence soon after she passed away was so engrained, I felt as if it had always been my plan. Realization came slowly as I figured out Carlisle must have kept that piece of information to himself. I could see that he would not share it with Esme; it would only cause her a great deal of stress. But for him to carry that knowledge alone, I was dumbfounded.
"That is the craziest idea I have ever heard Edward. Absolute insanity. Why? Why would you think of doing such a thing?" Her words were spat out as if she could not get them out fast enough. For a brief moment I looked at my sister. She was the only one who I felt ever understood me, who shared the same burdens as me, so it was hard to believe that she did not comprehend the depth of my feelings for Bella.
"There would be no living in a world where she did not exist. I could not fathom a reality like that." My voice was the barest of whispers. But there was no denying the honesty in them. Once again, we stared at each other, Alice trying to understand what I was saying, me trying desperately to help her understand.
"From the moment I admitted I loved her, I made it my mission to do everything I could to make her happy. To love her the only way I knew how. But, in Arizona, when the chance of losing her was real, it was then I knew I could not truly be without her. But her birthday changed all that, Alice. Can't you see? I was faced with another all too real possibility that she would not live the long human life she was meant to have. I could not bear for that to happen. That is I left, why we all had to leave."
By now I had crumbled to the ground, the force of reliving some of the most painful times in my life was too great. But still I looked at Alice. For the first time, I let her see all that I had tried to hide from her, from everyone else in my family; the pure and raw fear and vulnerability when it came to Bella.
Although I did not know what response I would get, Alice's sudden outburst took me by surprise. She was angry, beyond that, she was downright furious. "That has to be the most backward rationalization I have ever heard, even from you. It makes no sense!" Her words confused me. Did she not think I truly loved Bella with everything that I was? My bewilderment was evident for Alice clarified.
"No, I know that you love her, we all know that. Even without Jasper's ability, it was evident." Her voice was softer, calmer. She must have sensed my discomfort and distress. She took my face into her tiny hands, her grip like steel. She looked me squarely in the eyes. I had no choice.
"What makes no sense to me or anyone else is that you left her to save her. You left her to find another life? Do you honestly believe that she can, that she even wants to? I mean deep down inside, do you ever see her moving past you? She loves you as much as you do." Alice words rang with perfect sincerity; she believed what she was saying.
But I could not believe in them. I could not have that hope. It was too dangerous of an emotion to feel. Closing my eyes, I could no longer look at Alice. The absolute trust in her convictions was too powerful to watch. Alice held on to the idea that I was worthy of such a love, that an angel could see me as desirable. All the pain and misery that pulled at my insides was clawing away again. It was ripping the jagged pieces of my spirit, letting them sail in the wind. Each ache was just one more in a long line of agony I had sentenced myself to endure.
When she saw that I would not answer her question, she released my face. Quickly I hung my head. I could not let Alice see the depth of my pain, she should not be aware of such torment. Instead, I flung another question at her.
"This is my choice. I did not ask for your approval, not even your understanding. I need neither. All I ask is that you leave me alone. Why can't you just let me be?" I could not hold back the desperation in my voice. I did not want to be a burden on any member of my family; all I wanted was to be alone. It was safer for everyone involved.
A word I never thought I would hear Alice utter, flew from her lips. Looking at her now, her face was contorted into a mask of pain, fury and pity. Her thoughts were just as chaotic, it was making me nervous.
"You are absolutely clueless, Edward. Do you know why we came looking for you? Do you have any idea? I tried to follow you as you ran; watching you through my visions, but it was hard. You made no real decisions, you ran on instinct alone. I was lucky I caught you choosing to enter the cave. But that was all I saw." Her words made no sense, I had no idea what she was trying to tell me and my patience was wearing thin. If she wasn't my favorite sibling, I would be gone. But I owed her, not for this, but for everything else she did for me.
Speaking slowly, Alice continued, "Don't you understand?" She was right, I didn't. "You never came out. I never saw you leave. You were never going to make that decision. I waited, no- we all waited for you to make that choice, but as time went on, it never happened."
For the life of me, I did not see her point. Would that be so bad to stay there? There I had the quiet and solitude and I had my Bella. What more was there to this miserable existence? I already proved that I could no longer be around my family. I was completely useless. But I did not tell this to Alice, so I looked at her, wanting her to get where she was going.
"Each day Esme asked me if I had seen you, without fail. Do you know how it broke my heart to tell her no? It got to the point where she no longer asked me out loud, just a look from her to me. I had to watch as her face fell and walk away when I had nothing to tell her. How could you do that? It was like you just gave up. Is that what you are doing?"
Knowing that my actions once again brought pain to my family and Esme at that, it just added to the misery I was already feeling. I did not want to hurt her or anyone else, but what else could I do? My insides were bleeding; they were so raw that breathing hurt. The desire to do much more than lay on that cold stone floor was beyond my capabilities.
"I am sorry. I did not mean to hurt anyone. It's just…" How could I describe the complete and utter agony I felt? It was more than just my insides lay in shambles. It was more than my spirit being crushed and decimated. I was lost, adrift; a part of me had been wrenched from my entire being. There was no way to fix that, I was broken. "I am so very sorry." It was a miserable apology, but I could find no other words.
"That's not good enough." If Alice thought she could goad me into action, she was mistaken.
"I know, Alice. I know that all too well." I was not capable of anything else. I hung my head in shame and defeat.
"But that is not the worst of it, not even close." Her words shocked me, what other unseen pain had I managed to inflict upon my family?
"The worst is that we all feel it, Edward, every single one of us. That's because you are my brother and I love you, we all do. It's because your pain is our pain. Even more horrible, it won't change a damn thing." With that, Alice began to throw image after image at me. Each punctuated with her own commentary.
Bella and I sitting in the lunch room, me smiling. "You were happy with her, Edward!"
Bella looking at me and I did not notice, the look on her face was one of joy. "She loves you, adores you."
All of us spending time together, Bella laughing with the rest of us. "She brought joy and happiness to us all."
Then she flung images of the future, one that was altered after my actions, or so I thought.
Bella with red eyes, pale, marble skin. Alice by her side.
The two of us running in the forest.
Our meadow, in blazing sun, both of us sparkling like diamonds.
"This future has not changed. After all this time, it remains. It was destined to happen." Her words which started rough and insistent ended on a sigh. "One day, she will be like us, a part of this family."
My head shook violently. It was impossible. Alice had no clue what she was saying. She was replaying visions she had in the past, trying to make me think they are new ones. No longer could I trust Alice to be honest with me, to be the only person I could depend on. I now truly felt all alone.
"You're lying. She will never become like us. Even if I was in her life, she would remain human. That was my first plan. All this is just wish fulfillment, an over active imagination." I needed to get out of here, out of this pointless conversation. There was nothing she could do or show me that would ever change my mind.
I did not bother to see how my accusations would make Alice feel, I did not have it in me to care. Instead, I had an overwhelming desire to flee, once again. But where should I go? After Alice's little rant, I knew I would do more harm than good if I stayed with my family. While my absence in their life hurt them, it would be nothing if they had to watch me suffer, day after day. They did not need to see that. But, if I was honest with myself, I could not be with them. To bear witness to all the love that came with three sets of matched lovers was unbearable. It would also serve as a constant reminder that I was not worthy of such a love in my existence.
Slowly and without thinking, I began to follow Carlisle's scent. My mind began to wonder as I made my way through the forest. I couldn't help but wonder if Alice was right. Was all that I was going through; all that I was putting my family through, worth it? Were my actions unable to change the future? Once again, I was at war with myself. There was a small part of me that truly desired that Alice was right, that I was fighting against the inevitable. NO! The future was never set in stone. I have seen firsthand how true that could be. I ran my hand through my hair, trying to make sense of the conflicting thoughts and emotions coursing through my mind.
I knew that I could not go back. I had made a promise to her and I was going to keep it. I also knew that time would help heal her. She would grieve and she would be able to move on. I stopped my running as a spasm of pain ripped through me. I clung to the tree next to me as I struggled for breath. Uninhibited, images of Bella with another man swept through my mind. They were painful beyond all comprehension. Try as I might, they would not stop.
Frustration poured out of me, I pounded the tree next to me and the trunk shattered and fell with a mighty crack. Birds screamed in distress overhead. Anger, terror and sadness threatened to pull me under and for a brief moment I almost gave in. It would have been effortless for me to succumb. But, I fought it. It felt like a heavy weight was pressing down upon me, smothering me. Inch by inch, I pushed it away from me. Where the strength came from, I did not know, but I did not question it.
Soon, the weight was far enough away that I could breathe. The images that caused my pain had ceased. They were now floating in the furthest recesses of my mind. They were in the same place I stored my more painful memories of Bella and I. With some semblance of calm restored, I began to follow Carlisle's trail once more.
Now, more than at any other time, I knew I needed to do something. I could no longer run aimlessly and I knew that my family would keep me from sinking back into the soothing blackness I found in my cave. What choices were left to me after that, I still struggled to figure that out. I knew without a doubt, I wanted to do something worthy; something that would give back to the fates for allowing me the brief and wondrous time with my Bella. Whatever it was, it needed to honor Bella herself. Suddenly, I had a moment of stark clarity. The answer lay within my grasp. It was the perfect solution and it came with and unexpected bonus. It would ensure that the one important person to me was kept safe and sound. A slight smile turned the corners of my mouth. It was a perfect idea.
With a buoyancy and purpose I had not felt in a long time, I increased my pace toward the house. There was much to do and I would need to prepare. I would need to talk to Jasper and Emmett, their insight and opinions would be of immeasurable help. Plans began to formulate quickly and I arranged them continuously until I felt I had a solid framework to begin from.
I also needed to plan how to let the others know. If I believed they would agree with me and let me go my merry way, well, then I had to be insane. No, after all I had done to them; they would not be as accepting or understanding. Without a doubt, my brothers would want to join me. But, this was for me. I needed to do this. I knew that I did not deserve the love that Bella gave me, so this was a small token to repay her love.
It would never be enough. But it would be a start. I could see that maybe that would be my new purpose now. To do the things that may prove I was worthwhile of such a love. Bella always thought better of me, I wanted to try and live up to her expectations. It was a lofty goal, one I was quite certain I may never achieve. But that wasn't the point. No, there was more to it. It was the journey, the experience of finally doing right by someone; that was the point.
Slowly the house came into view and the chatter of my family's voices and thoughts became clearer. I was surprised to discover that somewhere on my way back, Alice had past me and beat me to the house. My words must have upset her once again. I would have to apologize to her before I left. I could not leave when I knew I had hurt and upset her. Our relationship meant too much to me.
As I drew closer, the voices dimmed but their thoughts became louder.
At last! He is home. I was very worried. I missed him. The concern I heard from Esme was enough to make me hang my head. She did not deserve to hurt. She was too loving and open for that.
Great, he's back. Maybe everyone can chill out. We can get back to normal. I bit back the growl that threatened to erupt at Rosalie's inane comment. How little did she understand my love for Bella? However, Emmett's thoughts soothed me. Glad to have you back. Missed you. It's not the same without you. I smiled, I missed him as well.
I wonder if he needs someone to talk to, I still feel so responsible. Jasper was harboring guilt and that pained me. I had hoped our earlier talk would have cleared the air. For a fleeting moment I entertained the idea of talking to Jasper, to finally let out all the poisonous thoughts and feelings that were raging inside me. But this was my burden to bear; I could never hoist it on anyone, not even to gain a reprieve myself.
I marshaled my determination and belief in my new path in life and entered the house. Instantly I was engulfed in Esme's loving but fierce arms. I felt the slight tremor from her body as she tried to hold back her sobs.
"You will never do that again, Edward Cullen. Do you hear me?" Her plea was whispered into my ear. No doubt everyone else could hear, but she did not care. "You can't runaway like that. You had me so very worried." I held her close, hoping to find a way to calm her down. I hated to see her so upset. I worried that I would disappoint her when she discovered I was leaving again. Maybe if she could see how important this was to me, how I needed to do this. It was the only way I could see to set things right.
Eventually Esme released me from her arms, but she held tightly to my hand. Her thoughts were of trying to keep me close, to keep me safe. She pulled me down to the closest sofa, never letting go of me.
"You look like hell, Ed. Trying to lose weight?" Leave it to Emmett to break the tension in the room. It was impossible not to laugh. Even I managed a weak chuckle. There was no way I could be mad at him.
"Emmett, that was uncalled for." Esme's voice was full of condemnation.
"it's ok, Esme, really. Emmett is just being honest in his special way." To say that everyone looked at me strange would be an understatement. By the looks and jumbled thoughts, you would have thought I sprouted another head. Their reactions were all warranted, my behaviors were incorrigible to say the least.
"I am sorry, to everyone. I did not mean to worry you. This is much harder than I ever envisioned." I could feel the pain trying to come to the surface, beckoning me to the darkness. I fought it back. There was much more pressing issues to deal with. Esme's hand gripped me even tighter; I focused on her quiet strength.
"You here now, with your family. We are here for you." I closed my eyes at Esme's words. Now I knew it would break her heart when I left.
"Thank you, that means a lot to me. But, I can't stay." If I wasn't nearly as strong as Esme, my arm would be detached from my body and being used to hit me. I had never heard such passionate thoughts from my mother. I placed a placating hand on her arm.
"I am not running away. But, I have something I need to do, something that is extremely important to me." I took a deep breath of courage and continued in a rush of words. "I am going to look for Victoria and kill her."
A/N: Soo now the hunt for Victoria begins! Once again- I will give teasers about the next chapter to anyone who reviews...so please review.. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them. So-hit that button and give me some love! Please?