Chapter 11: Dear Journal, Part 2


October 11, 2008

Dear Journal,

I'm getting ready for my date with Max. I'm excited about it, but I don't think I've ever been so confused in my life. I think Max is great. She's good looking and she's fun to be around. My problem is, I'm still attracted to Zack and even more so to Cody. In fact, I think my attraction to Zack is fading the more time I spend with the brothers and my feelings for Cody are growing at the same rate. It's pretty clear to me that Zack likes girls and would never go for another guy. Cody though... Cody's a mystery. I haven't seen any solid evidence one way or the other with him. There are things about him that give me hope and it only helps to feed my desire to be close to him as much as possible.

Anyway, I can't even write an entry about my date with Max without thinking of Cody... Grrr...

We're going to see a movie. Her parents are picking me up in about an hour and driving us there.

I haven't seen my own parents in almost a week. Not a big deal anymore. I'm used to being alone at night. Maybe I can get the guys to come have a sleep over. That would be great without any adults around.

Last night's Smackdown party was great even though I almost got hurt. It was my own fault. The feeling of Zack's bare, sweaty skin against my own was the most... steamy moment of my life. The warmth of his touch, his scent... everything about that moment was hot. My only wish was that it had been Cody instead of Zack. I'm also glad no one noticed my... accident. I would have killed myself from the embarrassment. My neck was very sore all day, but is starting to feel better. I would relive that moment everyday for the rest of my life, pain and all if I could.

There I go again, thinking about Zack and Cody...

I am beginning to wonder if agreeing to a date with Max was even a good idea. As hard as I am trying to focus on her, I just can't get the Martins out of my head. I hope she doesn't notice. I'll try my best not to talk about them. At first, I thought my attraction to Max was a sign that the Zack and Cody thing was just a phase. Something was wrong in my head, but now I was over it. I was excited. Now I'm not so sure. Now, I think my attraction to Max while still having feelings for Cody just means I'm even more fucked up in the head that I thought. I wish there was someone I could talk to about this. Someone who could help, but there isn't. I'm just so confused.

I have more friends that I ever have before and yet I've never felt more alone in my life.


(Author's Note: First of all, sorry about the long delay between updates. It's summer and I've been extremely busy at work. I work at a hotel next to a popular Lake Resort. We are sold out tonight, but they all checked in yesterday, so I finally have time to write. Anyway, this chapter is short, but the substance of it is more important that the lenght. You get an idea of the conflict inside Jordan's mind and his struggle to find and come to terms with his sexuality. You also get another look at how lonely he is and the absense of his parents. I want to thank everyone who reads my stories, especially those who give me feedback.)