A/N: For once, this will not be a funny introduction. This is a dead serious introduction, and I expect all of you to read it. This chapter contains material that is highly objectionable. Parental guidance is advised. If you read this chapter, you also admit that you take full responsibility for any of your reactions caused by it. Also, the black guy is used with the permission of Jagabor. Now please enjoy the story.

oOo

"Ma'am?" Shenzi looked up. "Scar is here to see you." Shenzi sighed as she got off her bed and walked into the next room and sat down behind a desk. Scar was ushered in through the door, several armed guards along with him.

"What do you want, Scar?"

"I was just wondering if I could borrow a few of your henchmen for some Christmas shopping."

"Can't you get the lionesses to do it for you?"

"Eh . . . it's a different kind of Christmas shopping. The kind that may attract unwanted attention."

"What are you stealing?"

"Who said anything about stealing?"

"Remember what happened the last time you went to the mall?"

"Hey, those cops were vicious!"

"Mall cops."

"They were going to kill me!"

"I bet. And the answer is no."

"No?" asked Scar incredulously.

"No. Nein. Non. Het. Geen."

"Screw with my Christmas, will you?" Scar whipped out a bowie knife and stabbed it into the ivory desk. "Bitch, I will cut you!" Several clicks were heard behind him as several rifles were raised. Shenzi pulled out a switchblade from under the desk, flipping it open. "Eh . . . and by that I mean that I will try to reasonably negotiate with you so that we may reach an agreement."

"Get out."

"I'm getting you a nice gift this Christmas."

"How nice?"

"Nice enough for one little favor . . ."

Shenzi sighed. "Fine. You can take the black guy."

"Black guy?"

oOo

A few days later . . .

"Hey Scar," said Chisan as Scar walked into the P.O.T.T.Y. "Where you been?"

"Shopping."

"So I've heard. You leave a big mess to clean up . . ."

"Huh? You know about it?"

"I know every time you kill a person."

"It wasn't me this guy, really. It was the black guy. He's a beast."

"Uh-huh." Chisan looked back down at the magazine he was reading.

"He tore out a guy's trachea and then yelled into it, 'I'm you!' And it kind of sounded a little like the guy because it was his trachea, you know?"

"Nothing like a little evisceration to brighten up your day, huh?"

"So you have any plans for Christmas?"

Chisan turned the page. "Oh, you know, just staying next to the fireplace, waiting for Santa to come down the chimney."

"Seriously?"

"No, asshole, I'm gonna be out killing people. I'm frickin' Death, what did you expect me to say?"

"I don't know, I just thought that maybe you'd be going to a party or—" Scar paused. "What are you reading?"

"A magazine."

"Is that—is that Cosmo?"

"Yeah. And?"

"What, are you gay or something?"

"Yeah. And?"

Scar looked at him wide-eyed. "You're gay?!"

"Well, yeah. It's not really that big of a surprise, is it?"

"My denmate is gay?"

"Breathe, Scar. Breathe."

"Why the hell are you telling me this?!"

"Well, you asked. And I kind of assumed . . ."

"NO!!"

"I suppose that this would be a bad time to bring up that I sniff you when you're sleeping—"

"AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!" Scar ran out of the den.

Chisan flipped idly through the magazine. "That's this season's fashion? Geez, it was better when they had togas . . ."

Sarafina walked into the den. "Well?"

"You owe me five bucks."

Zazu fluttered down out of the sky, landing on a rock. He saw Scar behind an elephant with a grabbing tool that was grabbing a large wooden stake. The stake was positioned right behind the elephant's rear.

"Three . . . two . . . one . . ."

"Oh, Scar!" called Zazu.

Scar sighed in exasperation. "Can't you see I'm in the middle of something?"

"Well pardon me for interrupting you from shoving a piece of wood up a pachyderm's rear—"

"It's a perfectly standard medical procedure!"

"—but your father would like you to come back to Pride Rock. And, ironically enough, has requested that you leave the stick that normally resides in your posterior here."

"It's like he wants me to kill him. No, I'm not going, I'm busy."

"He said that if you said no, he would like me to mention to you—supposedly a fact—something about 'bros' coming aforementioned to 'ho's.'"

"I'm not even with a girl!"

"Which he has predicted, apparently due to the abnormally small size of your reproductive organs and appalling lack of personal hygiene."

"This is outrageous!"

"I would highly recommend going back to Pride Rock, sire. He has threatened that if you do not return posthaste, he will seek you out with his 'posse' and 'lay the hurt down real good.'" Zazu ruffled his feathers. "Now, I must be off. Good day to you, sire."

oOo

Scar walked into the P.O.T.T.Y. and flopped down, Chisan still lying in the den, now reading The Da Vinci Code while drinking coffee. "You know," said Chisan, "your dad was looking for you."

"I really don't care."

"He wanted to spend 'quality time' with you."

"Don't. Care."

"He said something about going to a strip club and teaching you what girls were."

"Ha, ha, ha."

"Bad day?"

"Just about every time today that I've tried to act on my evil whims, some idiot has to go and interrupt me. It's painful."

"Maybe you can ask Santa to bring you a nice big helping of evil."

"Psh. Like Santa exists."

Chisan stared at him.

"Santa exists?!"

"Well, yeah. We fictions all kind of hang out together."

"Is the Tooth Fairy real?"

"Yep."

"Boogeyman?"

"Oh yeah."

"How about the Easter Bunny?"

"What, are you crazy? A bunny that just lays eggs? That's stupid. Of course it's not real."

"Oh, I just . . . I just assumed . . ."

"Yeah, well you thought wrong." Chisan sipped at his coffee.

"When did we get Starbucks?"

"When I came here. I'm their best customer."

"You are?"

"I stay up all day, all night, and I'm going all the time. You think I don't need something to keep me going? This is my fortieth cup today."

"Uh . . . maybe you should back off that. I heard that you can actually get a heart attack or something . . ."

Chisan stared at him.

"Hey, I didn't say you would die from it . . ."

Chisan took another sip.

"Really, though, you probably should back off."

"There's too much blood in my caffeine system."

"See? That's what I'm talking about."

"Aren't you supposed to be writing to Santa instead of criticizing my drinking?"

"Well, what should I ask him for?" asked Scar.

"A coal mine. Save him some of the trouble."

"What did you ask for?"

"Are you kidding? I hate the bastard."

"You hate Santa?"

"He's like the Hugh Hefner of fictions. And he has no problem rubbing it in our face. Honestly, I wouldn't be happier if someone got rid of him. He's totally sold out. I mean, everywhere you look, it's Santa this, Santa that. It's not even about giving the toys anymore, it's about sneaking into kids houses at night and 'accidentally' getting caught on camera."

"Um . . . just wondering . . ."

"No, he's not a pedophile," said Chisan, taking another drink.

"Oh, that's a relief."

"He's just a furry."

"Ewwwwwwww!"

"'He knows when you are sleeping.'"

"Ewwwwwwww!"

"Oh, get over it. Besides, if he molested you, it's probably not going to come out until a couple of years from now when you get totally drunk over the fact that you killed your brother and you're consumed with remorse and grief."

"What?"

"Hmm?"

"But really, someone should do something about that."

"Yep," Chisan agreed.

oOo

"Mufasa, have you seen Scar?" asked Uru.

"Scar? Oh, yeah, he was alarming the chimney with tripwires and lasers."

"He what?!"

Scar sat outside the chimney he had built, waiting patiently. He had been sitting there for hours, despite his mother's insistence that this was the most stupidity he'd ever displayed. He watched the clock eagerly. The hour hand hovered between the one and the two. He grinned as he heard scuffling coming down the chimney. A few seconds later, a pair of boots appeared, and a few seconds later, so did the rest of a fat, old man.

"Ho, ho, oh! What are you doing up this late, Scar?"

"Waiting."

"You've been a very naughty boy!"

Scar unsheathed his claws. "You've been a corporate whore. Merry Christmas."

oOo

"Get up! Getupgetupgetupgetupgetupgetup!!" Mufasa yelled. The rest of the den murmured sleepily, being unwillingly woken by the prince.

"Mufasa," said Uru, "it's five in the morning."

"Presents!!"

Ahadi was suddenly completely awake. "Presents? Presents!!"

"Presents!!"

"Presents!!"

"Presents!!"

"Presents!!"

"Shut up!" yelled Uru. "Just go sit over there—quietly—and we'll open the damn presents." She went and got Scar and Chisan; if she was going to have to suffer through this, everyone was. She sighed as she saw Mufasa and Ahadi doing something very similar to the pee-pee dance. "Scar, why don't you go first?"

Scar sighed. "Fine."

He slid something over to Sarabi, which she promptly tore open. "An empty box!!" she squealed. "It's so pretty!!"

"Yeah, Merry Christmas, spaz. Now, for my lovely girl Sarafina . . ." He handed her an envelope, which she opened. "It's a whole sentence for you to use. Just don't blow it all in one place."

"I'm going to start wounding you now."

"Well spent. And Mufasa—I know that you've already beaten the first to death with a rock, so . . . I decided to get you a new tail!" said Scar, holding up Mufasa's tail.

"Yay!!"

"And like father like son, so . . ."

"Oh, Scratch, you shouldn't have!" said Ahadi, caressing his tail.

"It's Scar."

"So what'd I get?" asked Chisan.

"Well, you were really hard to shop for. It's that box right over there."

Chisan opened it up and held up a severed head. "Oh, Scar . . . you shouldn't have."

"You're welcome."

"No, I mean it, you really shouldn't have. This could be a real problem . . ."

"Well, we'll burn that bridge when we come to it. Now Mother, the last is for you." Scar disappeared for a moment, then came back, wheeling in a massive vault. He opened it up, revealing dozens of stacks of paper. "Merry Christmas!"

"Er . . . what is it?"

"Every deed of every piece of land from your favorite empire." Scar reached in and pulled out a Nazi flag. "And it's all yours, Empress Uru."

Uru looked as if she was going to cry. She hugged Scar tight. "This is the best Christmas present I've ever had. Oh, thank you so much!"

"So, what are you going to do first?"

"Reopen the concentration camps, of course. And then take over the Pridelands. Maybe make a few nuclear threats . . ."

oOo

"Madam Marie . . . there is a package for you."

Shenzi yawned sleepily. "Bring it in."

"I'm afraid we can't fit it in the house."

"What?"

"It's too large to pass through the doorway."

"Oh, come on!" Shenzi got up angrily and walked out of the bedroom. She walked down the stairs and out the front door, seeing three black Ferrari Enzos. "Oh—my—God. OHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGODOHMIGOD—"

oOo

Chisan and Scar sat, listening to the screams from Pride Rock. "Somebody's happy," said Chisan.

"Maybe she'll forget about me trashing her place."

"Maybe."

"She won't forget, will she?"

"Hell no."

"Well, I tried."

"Oh, by the way, I got you this," said Chisan, handing Scar a box.

Scar unwrapped it. "A big red button? Aw, thanks."

"You're welcome."

"You just want to see how long it is until I snap, don't you?"

"Yep."

Scar hugged Chisan. "Merry Christmas, asshole."

"Merry Christmas, bitch."