Chapter 10: So Long, and Where Are All My Fish?
After kindly refusing Ghoulman's offer to journey on with them, saying something along the lines of "Your tribe needs you more than we do" or some such thing, our heroes journey back into the castle's basement.
Yoshi: Geez, it feels like we haven't been here in forever.
Mario: That's cause the author just hasn't let us meander around the castle much lately. In fact, we usually just get a summary above this dialogue and poof! We're already there!
Yoshi: Huh. You know, for the past couple of chapters, you're right!
Aroramage: *refuses to acknowledge them breaking the Fourth Wall* If you pretend they aren't doing it, then chances are they aren't in your Miiiind!
Yoshi: Dude, you hear something?
Mario: Probably just you're IMAAAGINAAATIONNN!
Waluigi: You know what's fun?
Lucky: What?
Waluigi: Extending phrases like THIIIIIIIISSSSS!
Y/M: ¬¬
Waluigi: What?
Luigi: Why haven't I got any lines yet?
And so the heroes continue their epic quest towards their next destination. Which is…
Yoshi: Say, where is the portal, anyway?
Mario: What do you mean?
Yoshi: Like, I see the fireball, and we've already been to the room of the maze, but where's the next portal?
Looking around, the heroes note that there is no obvious portal around.
Mario: You know, I remember something very distinct about the portal we're looking for.
Yoshi: What's that?
Luigi: Oh yeah! I remember too! It's supposed to be part of the wall or something.
The other heroes look at each other. Then they frantically whack and thwack and smack the walls of the basement.
Mario: Yeah! It was like at the end of a long hallway.
Luigi: I believe a dead end of some sort.
The other heroes cease their banging and such, look at each other, and sheepishly walk back to Mario and Luigi.
Mario: What was the world supposed to be again?
Luigi: Not sure, but I do remember not liking it.
Mario: Oh, wait! Now I remember! It was the Shifting Sand Land!
Luigi: Yeah, and it was the sand I hated…
Yoshi: The sand land, huh?
CC: We should get through this quickly.
Yoshi: How do you figure?
CC: Well…
Meanwhile, in a distant ocean…place…thing…
BMS/Crystal King/MSM1: WHERE THE HELL IS EVERYBODY?
TRC: Maybe the heroes just haven't arrived yet.
BMS/Crystal King/MSM1: I'M GETTING' TIRED O' WAITIN' FOR THEM! Not to mention the rest of the crew's stolen what's left of the portal-dust.
TRC: What, the Floo Powder?
BMS/Crystal King/MSM1: PORTAL-DUST! IT BE PORTAL-DUST!
TRC:…right…
BMS/Crystal King/MSM1: In any case, I hope to not have to wait any longer for these fools!
Meanwhile, in a port not far from the realm our heroes left…
KB: I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY COMPLETELY OBLITERATED OUR ONLY HOME IN THIS GAME!
Ghoulman: WE. WILL. EVENTUALLY. GET. THEM. AND. STUFF!
KB: That's right, Ghoulman, we will! And it all starts with this!
King Boo switches out his crown for a pirate captain hat!
KB: AND NOW WE ARE OFF!
And so the crew of the Haunted set forth on their quest to search for a new home and take names and so on and so forth as all characters do in the world of:
SUPER MARIO 64 DS CARA!
KB: Why do we keep using this?
Ghoulman: NEED. MORE. SHIPS. FOR. SEA. CHAPTER. MAKES. IT. MORE. EPIC!
KB: Touché, mon frère!
Meanwhile, in an entirely different direction…
Wario is staring out from the hole he has created. (Hopefully, you didn't forget about THAT important detail)
Wario: Where the hell am I?
He is looking outward at what appears as a setting sun over a vast array of clouds. Taking a look down, he sees more orange-shaded clouds and, additionally, more metal. A dull roar can be heard from his particular position. Looking off to the sides, Wario sees more metal and yet more dirt as well, some on top of metal ledges and even tree roots extending beyond the metal barrier as if to attempt to suck water out of the surrounding clouds.
Wario: What the hell is this place?
Looking up, Wario encounters more metal walls and sees an edge a small distance off from where he is. Noting that there are no footholds or really anything to hold onto except a local root, he reaches for it, proving it to be just out of his grasp.
Wario: Damn, if only I could grab that root, I'd be in tip-top shape to get off this…thing…
Reaching towards the root again, Wario fails in gripping onto it and decides on an alternative before he recklessly tries again and plummets to what would seem to be an untimely end. Retreating into the hole in the side of whatever he is in, Wario digs a small dirt tunnel towards the root in question, gaining a small bit of momentum. As he does, the sun slowly continues to set beyond the horizon of the clouds and a small breeze shoots its way through the hole, cooling Wario off from his hard-worked sweat.
Wario: Mmm, now that-a feels good.
After setting aside some work for a moment in the breeze, Wario continues to dig into the tunnel. The light continues to fade, and Wario notices his candle has gone out. Cursing, he reaches into his overalls and grabs a match, igniting it on the case and relighting the candle. Finally reaching the designated height, Wario once again digs outward, bends more metal back, and grabs the tree root with much more ease.
Wario: Piece of cake!
Suddenly, the tree root wraps itself around Wario and pulls him out, and with no more than a whisk, Wario is dragged through the hole and out of sight by the mysterious tree root…
And now, ladies and gentlemen, the plot!
CC: And so if we don't get there in time to have the chicken cross the road, we'll never have the material to make the joke!
Yoshi: …something tells me you made all that up.
CC: Well, yeah, but still.
And so, our heroes sally forth into yonder portal of ancient dunes and sandy plains of nothingness and…yeah, we're heading to the desert.
(Music: Gritzy Desert!)
Our heroes have arrived in Shifting Sand Land with AN ENORMOUS PYRAMID IN FRONT OF THEM, OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHH!
Yoshi: Wow.
Mario: I'll admit, it's impressive.
CC: Wooow…
Waluigi: Ooooh…
Lucky: Aaaahhhh….
DK: Ooooooo….
Gary: AWESOME! I can't believe we're in the desert! Right near a pyramid! Ah, the origins of the great Koopa clan which extend from here and, of course, the Goombas! It's like my ancestor's presence is all around me! I can totally feel their aura! *meditates*
Luigi: *sniff* It's awesome. Except for the location. Seriously, too much sand! *rubs sand from eye* Ah-CHOO! It's even up my nose too!
Yoshi: Well, let's go and find those Power Stars!
And so the heroes set out towards…nowhere…
Aroramage: Um, guys? You need to go find the Power Stars!
Yoshi: Well, yeah, but…
Mario: We're in the middle of the desert.
Luigi: Kinda don't have a place to look except in the sands.
Waluigi: OF TIME!
Heroes: ¬¬
Waluigi: What?
Aroramage: *furrows brow* Honestly, must I do everything? CHECK THE DAMN PYRAMID!
Yoshi: Grambi, fine! We'll check the Gawddamned pyramid!
Gawd: DAMMIT ALL TO HELL!
And so our heroes set forth again towards the pyramid this time…but how?
Waluigi: Ooh! Crazy box thingy!
Sure enough, nearby is a Crazed Crate, hopping up and down crazily.
Waluigi: You. Are. MINE!
Waluigi jumps on the Crazed Crate! Upon this action, the crate hops three times, each jump higher than the last, carrying Waluigi with it!
Yoshi: Waluigi, no!
Mario: That Crazed Crate's gonna steal him for a three-jump tour!
Waluigi: A THREE-JUMP TOUR? FUUUUUUU-
Waluigi is silenced when the Crazed Crate EXPLODES at the end of its last jump!
Waluigi: Note to self: avoid Crazed Crates. They are CRAZY!
Yoshi: Gee, what was your first clue?
Waluigi: When it freaking blew up at the end of its three-jump tour! But hey, better than getting stuck on an island.
Upon arriving, they…stand in front of the door-less pyramid...
Yoshi: Uh, yeah, there's no door on this thing.
Aroramage: I'm AWARE of that!
Yoshi:…so, O Great and Powerful Author-e One! Give us a door!
Aroramage: I can't! It's not in the programming and I'm not nerdy enough to dangerously hack a game well enough to create a doorway there without the complete collapse of this story.
Yoshi: I thought you said you were the author!
Aroramage: I am, I just don't have that power. You'll just have to scale the pyramid to that somewhat conveniently placed platform where the real entrance is.
The heroes look up to see just the platform I'm talking about. Of course.
DK: EXPERT CLIMBING SKILLS, ACTIVATE!
…
DK: What?
Yoshi: Into the pack on his back!
And so they all clamber into DK's backpack! Again! And DK proceeds to climb the side of the pyramid! And rather quickly he arrives on the platform on the side of the pyramid! Ingenious quick-and-fast-paced-actiony-paragraph-of-deus-ex-machina!
Upon reaching said platform, our heroes search it for the entrance, finding it with ease, along with the ramp that would have been completely conveniently uneventful and yet helpful. Upon entering the pyramid, absolutely nothing happens.
Yoshi: What the hell are you doing? I thought we were going to start making a bunch of terrible desert-related references by now.
We will…
AND NOW THE STORY OF OSIRIS! As told by Jeff, the Poor Guy Behind the Counter!
Jeff: …okay, so, like, when Osiris was born and stuff, it was, like, foretold that he was the savior of mankind. Like Egyptian Jesus or something. Anyway, Osiris became king and then he left Isis in charge, and Set was all, like, "I want that throne!" And Isis was , like, "No!" And Set was all, "I will get my revenge!" So he got a bunch of dudes and dudettes together and was, like, "We're gonna kill Osiris, man!" And he just happened to have, like, an entire set of dimensions for Osiris so, like, they could make a casket for him. And it was so pretty! Oh, but first, they gave him a feast! A FRICKIN' FEAST, MAN! Anyway, so everyone tried to get into the casket to, like, no avail! So when Osiris went in, it was, like, perfect fit, brah! But then, Set shut the lid and nailed it and sealed it with wax and stuff. And then he sent him to sea! IT WAS, like, A PORTABLE CRUISE SHIP CONVENIENTLY DESIGNED FOR HIM! Anyway, so Osiris is, like, floating down the river and Isis goes after him. Meanwhile, Set's all, like, "I'm King of Egypt, mother f*ckers!" Anyway, so Isis finds Osiris stuck in a pillar in a palace ruled by a king, man, and she's all, like, "Hey! Give me my husband, dude!" And the king's, like, "Fine, take him!" And then, she brings Osiris back to Egypt, but then one night Set finds the coffin and he's, like, "I thought I got rid of this thing, dude! It just sooo does not go with the new décor!" And so he, like, takes Osiris and cuts him into - *counts fingers* - fourteen pieces, man! So Isis is, like, "Dammit, not again!" And she goes searching and finds all but one, which was, like, eaten by a fish or something, and now, like, the fish is cursed for eternity, man. Anyway, so then Set's the ruler of Egypt and Horus, Osiris's son, comes along and Set's, like, "Shit! Forgot about the kid!" And he totally kills him! But then Thoth, the bird-guy with the weird beak, he brings Horus back from the dead, and Horus avenges Osiris by killing Set, and then Horus is the ruler of Egypt and he's all, like, "Egypt's mine, bitch!" And that was the end of it all.
…thank you, Jeff. Now then, BACK TO THE PLOT!
Yoshi: WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
Aroramage: Well, hey, if we're going to give some thickness to this chapter's plot, we'll occasionally have to throw in a story. Besides, you wanted some sort of desert-related reference, and you got one.
Yoshi: *mumbling* Last time I ask for anything from the gawddamn author.
Gawd: I HEARD THAT!
And so do our heroes enter the pyramid! Again! Upon entering the pyramid, our heroes note the emptiness of the pyramid. Except for the Mummified Twhomps. And the small trail circling the pyramid.
Waluigi: This looks like a job for explorers of the crypt of Tutankoopa!
Mario: Not really. We should probably take care of that.
Reader's choice: Climb the pyramid like normal people!
…um, guys?
Yoshi: Seriously?
Waluigi: Why would he do that?
Guys? Why aren't you climbing?
Waluigi: Are you kidding me with this roulette option?
Sorry, but what the reader says goes, and he picked-
Waluigi: SCREW THIS ROULETTE, I'M GOING UP TO THE TOP INDY-STYLE! CUE THE INDIANA JONES THEME MUSIC!
…I can't believe he's doing this…(cue the music)
Waluigi then brings out a random Indiana Jones style hat, marked with his signature "L", and a whip! He then cracks the whip, throws it around a random bar from nowhere, and prepares to swing across the sand floor.
Waluigi: Wait!
(cut the music!) What?
Waluigi: It's just a sand floor?
What do you want there to be?
Waluigi: Lions and tigers and bears!
CC: Oh my.
…you're joking, right?
Waluigi: Oh! And purple hairy beasts!
CC: Oh my!
Seriously, Waluigi? Why are you doing-
Waluigi: OH! AND SNAKES!
CC: OH MY!
Lucky: Why does it have to be snakes…
Why do I get caught in all the crazy shit I write about…oh wait, never mind, it's just me. Fine, whatever!
Waluigi: Yay!
(cue the music again)
And so, Waluigi prepares to swing across the sand floor, covered with lions, tigers, bears, purple hairy beasts, and snakes. Of all the rotten-
Waluigi: WAIT!
(cut the music…again) What do you want NOW?
Waluigi: Can there be Nazis?
No.
Waluigi: Please?
No.
Waluigi: Please?
No.
Waluigi: Please?
No.
Waluigi: Puh-leeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?
…fine, but only if they're Nazi zombies.
Waluigi: Can we get Soviet zombies, too?
…fine. (cue the music)
And so, once again, Waluigi prepares to swing across the-
?: HOLD UP THIS FIASCO! IN AMERICA!
Oh sonuvabitch…
Out of nowhere, it appears that Bandit Keith has arrived on the scene. What the crap…
BK: I stand before you gentlemen today to note the unpatriotic assembly of these un-American zombies. It's outrageous! And I'm here to help you because I'm an American serving my country!
Yoshi: But we're Japanese.
BK: Are you kidding? Mario is the most American non-American I've ever known.
Mario: But I'm Japanese.
BK: And you don't think you were modeled for America? Look at your American threads! You've got red on your shirt and cap, blue on your overalls, and white on your gloves! Red, white, and blue, the colors of America! You're also wearing denim, the most American of all threads!
Yoshi: What about cotton?
BK: Cotton is the other most American of all threads!
Waluigi: This is cutting into my Indiana Jones impersonation time! Move it or lose it, Keith!
BK: Now that is a most anti-American remark, you non-American! Go over there by those zombies so I can shoot you all down in the cerebral area with my shotgun! *ch-click* Made in America!
Yoshi: Wait a minute, are those zombies really Nazi zombies? I mean, how can you tell?
BK: It's their aura of pure anti-Semitist evil! It's also got small traces of anti-American evil! And that's not right! In America!
Yoshi: And what about the Soviet ones, hm?
BK: Those are the zombies over in that cluster cheering for socialism, the most un-American and non-capitalist of all economic functions! Not made in America!
There is indeed a small union being formed by somewhat intelligent zombies, with some holding up signs saying things like, "In America, you pay taxes! In Soviet Russia, TAXES PAY YOU!" and other similar economic related Soviet jokes.
BK: Look at those signs containing Soviet jokes! Those are the most un-American of all jokes! In America!
Yoshi: Don't you have something better to do besides bother us all day?
BK: I've been on break from the abridged series, where I've been in my Canadian base of operations!
Waluigi: Where exactly is Canadia?
Yoshi: It's Canada, right above the continental United States.
Waluigi: Mm-hmm, and where exactly is the continental United States?
Yoshi: Above Central America.
Waluigi: I see, but then where is Central America?
Yoshi: It's between North America and South America, the continents that form the Western Hemisphere on the planet Earth, 3rd rock from the Sun, in the Milky Way Galaxy, in the Universe.
Waluigi: But then where is the Universe?
Yoshi: Not here, I can tell you that much.
THE MORE YOU KNOW! *rainbows and kittens raining from the pots of gold on high*
BK: And now, it is time to-
Yoshi: What about the lions, tigers, bears, purple hairy beasts, and snakes?
BK: That's your problem! Because we are not in America!
HOLD IT!
Scene shifts to Phoenix Wright courtroom, with Bandit Keith as the witness, the heroes as the defense, and the enemies as…the prosecution!
Zombie: We cold-blooded killas, mother****er!
Yoshi: Can I throw in a bit of a quote?
BK: Be my non-American American guest! In America!
Yoshi: You once stated that, "Every country in the world belongs to America." Do you stand by this statement?
BK: Do I wear an American flag on my head? In America?
Yoshi: You do. *triumphant Phoenix Wright pose* And that is why your statement is faulty!
BK: *damage pose*
Random audience talks amongst themselves excitedly! The judge bangs his gavel!
Judge: Order, order! *surprise face* Where exactly are you going with this, Yoshi?
Yoshi: I believe that because of this statement, Bandit Keith actually believes that the country we are in belongs to America. *smack desk & cross to blue flashing screen of '"I-have-you-now" awesomeness!* In other words, he thinks we're in America!
BK: *damage pose*!
OBJECTION!
Nazi Zombie Lawyer: Just because he thinks we're in America doesn't mean a thing!
Soviet Zombie Lawyer: You may be in America in America, but in Soviet Russia, America in you!
HOLD IT!
Yoshi: *smack desk* That statement alone creates the airtight argument against the prosecution's claims of us not being in America! Because if America is inside of us all, * cross to blue flashing screen of '"I-have-you-now" awesomeness!* then we are all apart of America, and therefore we're in it!
BK: N…n…n…*severe damage pose* NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
*fade to the scene we were in before all this nonsense occurred**record scratch*
WHAT THE H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? You can't even attempt to go up a pyramid in the normal fashion!
Yoshi: But look, we haven't even moved!
Sure enough, they haven't moved. Gee, my mistake.
BK: Those zombies will die! In America!
As Bandit Keith proceeds to eliminate all the zombies, our heroes proceed to climb the pyramid like REGULAR PEOPLE WOULD.
Waluigi: Ahhhhh…..
So thusly through a mild few minutes of dodging mummified Thwomps, Goombas, and electrical orbs of spinning smiling death, and climbing up stairs, onto caged handgrips, and over sand traps of quicksanded death, our heroes arrive at the edge of an extended stone platform.
Yoshi: We should have done that Indy style.
BK: *echo from the bottom of the pyramid* In America!
Yoshi: ?
Mario: In any case, we're here. At the top of the pyramid.
Waluigi: We're the very best that no one ever was!
Mario:...
Luigi: Let's see what's going on *wavering voice* In thE Top oF THE PYRRRRAMIIiiid!
…
Luigi:…I WANT TO BE IMPORTANT!
Too bad!
…fine, Luigi finds a secret doorway!
Luigi: Hooray!
-towards the Boss Room.
Luigi:…I WANT TO BE IMPORTANT WITHOUT KILLING THE INNOCENT!
Too late! And so the heroes will forcibly wander through the doorway towards the boss so that they can reclaim the POWER STARS! Upon entering the mysterious Boss Room, our heroes find a stone altar and two giant bricked pillars on each side. At the altar itself stands a cloaked figure.
Luigi: What?
Mario: That's impossible!
Yoshi: What?
CC: What is it?
DK: What're you guys talking about?
Luigi: That figure at the altar…
Mario: He's the one.
Waluigi: Who?
Lucky: What?
Gary: When, where, why, how?
Luigi: That's the guy WHO IMPRISONED US!
Other heroes: !
At this notion, the figure turns around and notes our heroes.
?: !
Mario: You!
Yoshi: Who are you?
?: *mutters to self* This can't be! They're here already? I thought they were stuck in the volcano world! This can't be happening! Not here, not now! I must flee! But first I must do what I came here to do! Then flee, I must!
The figure quickly turns back around, only to find Waluigi has already dashed past him and gotten in his way.
Waluigi: In a rush?
The figure gasps and backs away, only to run into the others who quickly surround him.
Yoshi: So, we meet at last.
Mario: For the last time!
DK: You've been the one behind Bowser this entire time!
Waluigi: I'm here to stand in front of you and look menacing!
Luigi: There's no turning back!
CC: Nowhere to run!
Gary: You're going down!
Lucky: Who's got the lucky charms now, bitch?
?: No, wait! Please, you don't understand!
Suddenly, the altar begins to shake, then the pillars, and then the entire floor begins to quake!
Waluigi: Whoa!
Mario: What's going on?
Luigi: What have you done?
?: Fools! Move away from that altar this instant! If this ritual is not completed now-
Suddenly, the pillars begin to shift into a pair of hands. Then, eyes open in the palm of each hand!
?: No! The guardian of the temple, Eyerok, has been awakened!
Eyerok: Defilers of this sacred ground, you are trespassing in forbidden territory! Leave now or suffer the eternal wrath of our ancestors!
Yoshi: I take it that's a bad thing.
?: Move away from the altar! I must complete the ritual!
Eyerok: You!
?: Eeep!
Eyerok: You are attempting the revival of a terrible force! You are the most sinned being here!
?: No! My mission has failed!
Mario: Mission?
Luigi: Failed?
Yoshi: What's this all about?
?: No…I'm finished…
Suddenly, the altar trembles once more, and the top blows off completely! Waluigi barely dodges before the lid crashes down on the steps in front of the altar!
Waluigi: Whoa!
Then, a white hand appears from the altar. Then a whitened flowery head appears.
Yoshi: No way.
Mario: Is that a…
Luigi: I didn't know…
Waluigi: Whooa…
A mummified figure comes out from the altar in the guise of a Pokey Mummy wrapped in bandages and containing two arm-like limbs made of bandages.
PM: Who daressss to disssturb the ressssting placcce of the mosssst powerful pharaoh, Hokempokemweh?
Luigi: Hokempokemweh?
HPW: Yesss! I, the great Hokempokemweh, masssster of Chaossss magicssss and nonssssenssssical usssse of the extended sssssss.
Waluigi: This is just the guy we needed: an s-abusive undead pharaoh.
?: Well maybe, he'd only be an s-abusive pharaoh if I got the chance to complete my ritual assigned to me by my master!
Waluigi: And that's another thing: who's YOUR master?
HPW: In any casssse, I am now free to roam the earth oncccce more! And I will not ssssstop until I have had my ultimate revenge!
Yoshi: …what?
?: I told you I should have completed the ritual.
Yoshi: Okay, I've had enough of you! Who are you!
Before the figure can respond, Yoshi grabs his hood and pulls back, revealing…WHAT?
Yoshi: Holy crap!
Waluigi: Augh!
Mario: *mouth drops*
Luigi: *imitates brother*
Other heroes: *…o…m…g…REACTION SHOT!*
The mysterious figure is a Toad!
Toad: Um…don't kill me!
Eyerok: Defiler of the sacred temple of Hokempokemweh, you are to be crushed beneath our hands, so wills the pharaoh of magical Chaos.
HPW: That'sssss Chaossssss, fool!
Eyerok: Sorry, sir.
HPW: Either extend the ssssss'sssssss, or elssssse help me crush them all!
Eyerok: Understood master.
HPW:…right! Time to kill you all now!
Yoshi: Well this series of unfortunate events was quite unexpected.
Aroramage: GAWDDAMMIT!
Gawd: DAMMIT!
Battle 1 START!
Crypt-Explorers!
Yoshi: 50 HP, 40 SP
CC: 45 HP, 35 SP
Waluigi: 45 HP, 35 SP
DK: 55 HP, 40 SP
Mario: 45 HP, 40 SP
Lucky: 35 HP, 50 SP
Gary: 40 HP, 45 SP
Luigi: 50 HP, 35 SP
Crypt-Keepers!
HPW: 300 HP, 100 SP
Eyerok – L: 150 HP, 0 SP
Eyerok – R: 150 HP, 0 SP
Yoshi:…
Mario:…
Waluigi:…
Luigi:…
Heroes:…
Aroramage: What?
Yoshi: Crypt-Explorers?
Aroramage: Yeah, so?
Yoshi: Really?
Aroramage:…yes, really…
Yoshi:…okay, then.
Yoshi begins to charge the GFC! CC attacks Hokempokemweh! Hokempokemweh takes 12 dge! Waluigi throws a Bob-omb at the enemy! All enemies take 12, 5, and 4 dge respectively! DK punches Eyerok – L for 12 dge! Mario uses a Fireball for 3 SP on Hokempokemweh! HPW takes CRITICAL 21 dge! Lucky throws Clover Shuriken at Eyerok – R for 9 dge! Gary bites HPW for 7 dge!
HPW: Ow-wow-wow-wowsssss! That issss not cool!
Luigi strikes a pose, raising up one leg and holding out his arms evenly on either side of his body!
Luigi: This trick I learned while stuck in the dungeons.
Luigi uses 3 SP to light his hands! He then spins around quickly and creates a tornado of flames, then charges at the enemy! The enemy are all hit for 19, 17, and 17 dge respectively!
Luigi: I call that my Flame Tornado!
HPW: OW-WOW-WOW-WOW-WOWSSSSSSSS! YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR INSSSSSSOLENCCCCCE!
Hokempokemweh begins to mutter an incantation! The Eyerok Shield Hokempokemweh!
Crypt-Explorers!
Yoshi: 50 HP, 40 SP (charging!)
CC: 45 HP, 35 SP
Waluigi: 45 HP, 35 SP
DK: 55 HP, 40 SP
Mario: 45 HP, 37 SP
Lucky: 35 HP, 50 SP
Gary: 40 HP, 45 SP
Luigi: 50 HP, 32 SP
Crypt-Keepers!
HPW: 229 HP, 100 SP (muttering)
Eyerok – L: 116 HP, 0 SP (shielding)
Eyerok – R: 120 HP, 0 SP (shielding)
Yoshi continues to charge the GFC! CC attacks and is blocked by Eyerok – R! Eyerok – R takes 5 dge! Waluigi throws a bomb at the Eyerok – R's eye! Eyerok – R takes CRITICAL 23 dge and is blinded!
Eyerok: NOOOO! My eye! My precious right eye! Without it, I have no depth perception!
DK throws a punch and is blocked by Eyerok – L! Eyerok – L takes 12 dge! Mario throws a Fire Punch for 2 SP and is blocked by Eyerok – L! Eyerok – L takes 7 dge! Lucky uses Marshmallow Power for 3 SP! Lucky uses the Shooting Star Charm! All heroes gain 5 SP! Gary uses Burner Breath for 4 SP! The Eyeroks absorb the attack, taking 15 and 16 dge respectively to Left and Right! Eyerok – L is burned!
Eyerok: AUGH! EYE-BURN! THAT'S WORSE THAN PINK EYE AND RED EYE COMBINED!
Yoshi: Red eye?
Eyerok: WHEN YOU BECOME EVIL IN PHOTOGRAPHS!
Mario:…what?
Eyerok: You know when you take a picture and it develops, there's sometimes that glow of red in your eyes?
HPW: WHAT? That wasn't the fiery hatred deep in my soul with its light piercing through my pupils?
Eyerok: Well, actually, that's just the light reflecting off the blood through the back of your eyes or something like that.
Yoshi: You get red-eye?
Eyerok: Well, sure.
Heroes: O_O
Eyerok: What?
Waluigi: You're admitting that YOU CAN BLEED?
Eyerok: What's wrong with that?
Heroes: O_O
HPW: O_O
Readers: O_O
Aroramage: O_O
Eyerok: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?
Luigi is too stunned by this fact to attack!
Eyerok: OH, COME ON!
Hokempokemweh becomes surrounded by a dark circle! Eyerok – L and Eyerok – R surround the heroes and Clap! Mario, Lucky, and Luigi dodge! All other heroes take 29 dge! Eyerok – L takes 5 burn dge!
Crypt-Explorers!
Yoshi: 21 HP, 45 SP (charging!)
CC: 16 HP, 40 SP
Waluigi: 16 HP, 40 SP
DK: 26 HP, 45 SP
Mario: 45 HP, 40 SP
Lucky: 35 HP, 47 SP
Gary: 11 HP, 46 SP (danger!)
Luigi: 50 HP, 37 SP
Crypt-Keepers!
HPW: 229 HP, 100 SP (muttering) (in a dark circle)
Eyerok – L: 77 HP, 0 SP (burned!)
Eyerok – R: 76 HP, 0 SP (blinded!)
Yoshi continues to charge the GFC! CC attacks Eyerok – L for 3 dge! Waluigi decides to utilize a new tactic!
Waluigi: I can't believe nothing like this was thought of sooner!
Waluigi uses 7 SP for Punctuation Bomber! For each "!" prior to this attack's use up to the point of where Eyerok – L takes burn dge, Waluigi brings out a Bob-omb!
HPW: *notices this* Ah freakin' Anuboossssssss…
Total "!": 14
AN: The total number of "!" is counted starting at the most recent battle update above and going down to the sentence, "Waluigi uses 7 SP…" Just to clarify. That is 14 "!"s. And this is why we don't use this attack often. Not to mention YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE ANY FOURTH-WALL BREAKING ABILITIES EVEN THOUGH I'VE ABOLISHED THEM COUNTLESS TIMES!
Waluigi: It's not the Fourth Wall! It's the Willing Suspension of Disbelief!
Yoshi: That doesn't have anything to do with this story!
Mario: Why are we talking about this now?
Waluigi: You're right! We can talk about tropes later, but for now, we gotta beat these guys!
HPW:…Gawd damn me for being the Ssssssssssealed Evil in a Can.
Gawd: I CONSIDER YOU DAMNED!
Waluigi uses Punctuation Bomber! He throws 14 Bob-ombs at the opponents, inflicting MASSIVE DAMAGE!
Eyerok: WHAT? HE CAN'T DO THAT! THAT HAS TO BE AGAINST THE RULES!
Every YGOTAS Fan: *gasp*
Waluigi: SCREW THE RULES, I'VE GOT HEAVY EXPLOSIVES!
Explosives: *BOOM!*
The bombing inflicts damage onto Hokempokemweh, Eyerok – L and Eyerok – R equivalent to the tune of CRITICAL 97 dge, 34 dge, and 33 dge respectively!
HPW: That'sssssss a lot of bombsssssssss!
Eyerok: That's a lot of explosives!
Waluigi: That's a lot of damage!
CC: That's a lot of-
Aroramage: WE'RE DONE!
CC:…damn, I had a good one too.
DK punches Eyerok – R for 17 dge! Mario punches Eyerok – L for 14 dge! Lucky uses Marshmallow Power for 3 SP! He brings out the Magic Mirror charm, creating a barrier around the heroes that will last 3 turns!
Yoshi: Didn't that shield last, what, 5 turns at one point?
Lucky: I only had to defend me back then. Now I'm having to defend all of you guys.
Waluigi: That's so heroic!
Lucky: Believe me, I'd almost prefer to protect myself. But I suppose I've changed since Chapter 4.
Yoshi: Yeah, you've been on all sorts of escapades since then.
Lucky: It's a good thing I'm not about to have a dying scene, or else this would be foreshadowing.
Foreshadowing: *does not exist anywhere in the scene…Lucky doesn't die…moving along*
Gary uses Thunder Shout for 3 SP! Hokempokemweh's circle of dark magic absorbs the attack! Luigi uses Flame Tornado for 3 SP! He attacks Hokempokemweh! The dark circle shields Hokempokemweh from the attack!
G/L: I wasted 3 SP for THAT?
HPW: Mwahahahaha! I'm sssssssso ssssssssecretly evil I almost can't sssssssstand it! Now PREPARE TO DIE!
Hokempokemweh is finished with his incantation! He uses Dark Magic Ritualisssssstic Forcccce of the Afterworld! He revives Undead Skeletal Soldiers to aid him!
Yoshi:…undead skeletal soldiers? Really?
HPW: FWAHAHAHA! TREMBLE IN FEAR BEFORE MY POWERFUL ARMY OF SSSSSSHADOWSSSSSS!
Yoshi:…really?
HPW: What? Thissssss issssss classsssssic Ancient Egyptian horror film material right here! Army of the undead that obeyssssss their resssssssssssssurector who hasssssss been revived from the Great Beyond to rule the world!
Yoshi:…really?
HPW: Oh you can jussssssst go ssssssstraight to Anubissssss'ssssssss temple of doom!
Waluigi: Is that anything like the Indiana Jones version, because I would LOVE to see a heart get pulled out of a guy's chest!
Heroes: O_O
Villains: O_O
Readers: O_O
Readers who haven't seen Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom: O_O
Waluigi:…ritualistically, of course!
Eyerok – R is blind! To protect himself, he shields the wall! Eyerok – L can't believe what stupidity his other half has gotten into and does nothing but get BURNED!
Crypt-Explorers!
Yoshi: 21 HP, 45 SP (charging!)
CC: 16 HP, 40 SP
Waluigi: 16 HP, 33 SP
DK: 26 HP, 45 SP
Mario: 45 HP, 40 SP
Lucky: 35 HP, 47 SP
Gary: 11 HP, 43 SP (danger!)
Luigi: 50 HP, 34 SP
Crypt-Keepers!
HPW: 132 HP, 100 SP
Eyerok – L: 21 HP, 0 SP (burned!)
Eyerok – R: 26 HP, 0 SP (blinded)
USS1: 15 HP, 0 SP
USS2: 15 HP, 0 SP
USS3: 15 HP, 0 SP
Yoshi: Seriously, undead skeletal soldiers?
HPW: Ssssssay it like you mean it! Undead Sssssssskeletal Ssssssssoldierssssss!
Yoshi:…Waluigi, can you do that move you did before?
Waluigi: No prob-
Aroramage: Problem. I'm limiting your move.
Heroes: WHAT?
Aroramage: Hey, come on! It's a really strong move! So strong, it's near broken if I don't put a limit on it. Kinda like Gary's Magic Book of Spells. He could continuously learn spells until he knew everything I could think of!
Gary:...Magic Book of Spells Use-Abuse-no-jutsu…
Aroramage: Precisely. So I'm limiting Waluigi's Punctuation Bomber in much the same way. After all, a move that can cause at least 150 dge to all opponents is pretty broken.
Waluigi: IT WAS DIVIDED EVENLY THOUGH!
HPW: Hey! Evil undead ruler trying to take over the world, here!
Yoshi: How're we supposed to defeat an army of undead warriors?
?: HOLD UP THIS FIASCO! AGAIN, IN AMERICA!
Bandit Keith makes his triumphant return!
Yoshi: Oh no…
BK: Yes, it is I, Bandit Keith, along with my very American friend here! Say hello to Harrison Ford!
Harrison Ford appears!
HF: Hi.
Everyone: HARRISON FORD?
HF: Yeah, this is Harrison Ford, quintessential action/drama hero of the modern-day world, accomplished in various raiding of temples, handling terrorists as president, and saving lives as a doctor.
BK: Yes, Harrison Ford is the most American of all Americans ever to be American! Even Chuck Norris, though infinitely stronger and more powerful than Harrison Ford, bows in respect to Ford! In America!
HF: Now I heard something about an undead ruler trying to take over the world from my acquaintance Bandit Keith, so I thought I would drop in and say Hi.
HPW: And what do you plan to do to ssssssssstop me?
Harrison Ford walks up to Hokempokemweh!
HF: *yelling* GET THE HELL OUT OF MY TEMPLE!
Harrison Ford kicks Hokempokemweh! Hokempokemweh is severely injured in the shin by this random assault!
HPW: OW! I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW I HAD A SSSSSSSSHIN!
Eyerok: Quick, Master! We must flee from the awesome power of Harrison Ford!
HPW: Ssssssssssayssssssssssss the bleeding Eyerok!
Eyerok: SHUT UP AND FLEE!
Hokempokemweh and Eyerok flee the scene of the battle! The Undead Skeletal Soldiers are too slow to dodge Harrison Ford's Punches of Brutality!
END BATTLE!
And so while Hokempokemweh and Eyerok flee the temple like scared not-people, the heroes, Bandit Keith, and Harrison Ford circle around the Toad dressed as Mario and Luigi's captor.
Mario: Where is he?
Toad: I don't know!
Luigi: (to Mario) Let me handle this. (to Toad) Where IS he?
Toad: I DON'T know!
HF: (to Luigi) Let me handle this. (to Toad) WHERE IS HE?
Toad: *too terrified to do anything*
BK: (to Ford) Let me handle this, in America! (to Toad) IS HE IN AMERICA?
Toad: *still terrified*
Yoshi: Well, this is getting us nowhere.
Toad: *…* Eep…
Everyone: !
Toad: PLEASE DON'T JUMP AT ME! Look, I don't know anything! I barely remember anything before waking up in this temple dressed like this and being forced by some weirdo with telepathy to follow the instructions near me or die!
Mario: Great, he knows telepathy. That means he's really powerful or something.
Luigi: I know he's really powerful! How else do you think he was able to get inside my head and suck out the dark me that is Mr. L?
HF: Wait, why am I still here? I've got somewhere else to be!
Yoshi: Where's that?
HF: VEGAS, BABY!
BK: I will join you, as Vegas is the only American gambling city for me!
Yoshi: It's the only American city for gambling.
BK: Hasta la vista, non-Americans!
And with that, Bandit Keith and Harrison Ford go to Las Vegas, which coincidentally isn't very far from this world.
Waluigi: WHAT? You mean to tell me Vegas is just on the other side of that hill?
…well, I didn't want to say anything, but-
Waluigi: Screw this, we're going to Vegas!
Heroes: Hell yeah!
And so our heroes venture off over the hill out of the temple to go to Vegas, where all of life's little problems get thrown in with even bigger problems such as gambling, alcoholism, and prostitution! Vegas: what happens here, stays here!
(Dec 17, 2009 - Feb 11, 2010)