Finding myself – Chapter 10
I knew I was dreaming, somewhere in my subconscious I realised I was asleep but I couldn't help but feel like part of it was true, and I had been willing it not to be, my dream felt so vivid so real.
I was standing in the Cullen living room, it looked the same nothing was out of place the Cullen's were all standing around me looking angry and deeply annoyed. I cringed away from there intense stare. My father was standing looking down at me with pity in his eyes. I felt tears welling up as they began to creep nearer towards me.
"We don't want you here you are not part of this family" Rosalie sneered at me.
"Why have you come back no one wants you go so back to were you came from" Alice chimed in a with a menacing tone."
"I never wanted you I could do so much better you're not worth it, I could never love you" Edward said glaring daggers at me.
"Please stop" I cried out.
I was crying full out now they were leaning over me, I couldn't breathe, I felt my chest tightening into a panic attack.
"You were never good enough that's why I left, you wanted the real reason and there it is you were just a burden to me. You were a mistake. I wanted children who are clever and beautiful not ugly ungrateful like you are, you are the reason you're mother's dead. You took her away from me I will never love you. I will never forgive you.
Esme was standing behind him with her hands on his shoulder. Disproval look in her eyes.
"I think you should go now dear no one wants you here."
"LEAVE" they all chanted, my breathing was beyond hyperventilating. I was gasping for breath, I felt a hand snack around my waste picking me up throwing me out the door. I screamed as I felt the concrete cut through my leg.
"Bella Bella wake up" I heard a voice say
"Bella please wake up"
I could hear someone screaming, Urgent voices calling around me.
"Edward what happened" A panicked voice said.
"I don't know Carlisle she just started screaming." Edward said.
"Bella wake up it's just a dream" Carlisle insisted. I felt someone shaking me gently but firmly.
I realised it was me screaming I clamped my mouth shut, whimpering from the sudden emotion hitting me, it was just a dream it wasn't real. I snapped my eyes open to find them blurry with tears. I blinked a couple of times tying to clear my hazy vision. I kept my eyes firmly on the ceiling above me. The beeping from the heart monitor had picked up.
"Bella can you hear me, you need to calm down honey" Carlisle soothed brushing my forehead.
I didn't answer, warm salty tears were streaming down my face. My breathing was coming out as gasps. I was feeling very dizzy from the lack of oxygen getting into my lungs. Closing my eyes I tried to steady my breathing. I started concentrating on anything but the dream. I thought back to when Emmet and Charlie took me ice skating for the first time, I kept falling down but Emmet was always there to catch me and teach me how it was supposed to be done, we had a great time and I soon picked it up.
It worked, I slowly opened my eyes the heart monitor was returning to a slow steady rhythms as I started to relax. I concentrated on the sound allowing it to sooth me further.
"Bella are you alright" This time I nodded taking a few steady breaths.
"Yeah I'm ok, bad dream" I said breathlessly. I heard someone sign beside me.
I couldn't look at them, I didn't want to see the look of disapproval and pity in my father's eyes and the anger in Edwards. I knew I was being irrational, it was just a dream. But I couldn't help to feel if a part of it was true, was a burden to them. Is that how they felt about me, is that how my father really feels, its not like he was looking for me in the first place we sort of just bumped into each other. We haven't had a chance to speak since that night, is he only being kind to me now because he's my doctor he has a level of care to uphold. That's all it is, why would he want me back into his life, he has a family already, and I'm not part of it.
Would he really want me back? Will he just feel obligated to get to know me?
No I have to stop thinking like this.
"How are you feeling are you in any pain" I felt a warm hand on my shoulder bringing me out of my thoughts.
I just shook my head not trusting my voice to break. I couldn't look into their eyes my gaze still firmly on the ceiling. I was in pain but I didn't want to go back to sleep, my leg was painfully hurting me and my head was throbbing I knew I couldn't last much longer I would call a nurse once it got too much.
I saw movement to my right were my IV was attached, turning my head I saw Carlisle adjusting the IV bag. He looked down at me noticing my gaze, I was shocked to find his face showing concern and worry. He smiled and his features seem to relax.
Turning my head I saw Edward sitting on my left his eyes boring into me.
"Edward what are you doing here" He looked confused and slightly offended.
"I came to see you of course" his eyebrows pulling together looking confused and on the verge of tears.
He smiled and hesitantly brushed his hand over my forehead moving a lock of hair from my eyes. He took my hand in his rubbing soothing circles with his thumb he looked so worried. I smiled at him trying to reassure him, I was alright. He smiled back but it didn't reach his eyes. His eyes were glistering with tears, I gently squeezed his hand in reassurance he squeezed back.
"I was so worried when Carlisle called me I…" he chocked on his words, swallowing loudly.
"Shh I'm ok, look at me Edward." I said. His head was down looking into his lap like it's the most interesting thing in the world. Putting my hand under his chin I brought his head up to meet my gaze, tears were running down his face, I took my thump and wiped them away.
"Edward I'm ok everything is going to be alright" I said reassuringly. He looked so broken.
"Come here" I said extending one arm to show I wanted to comfort him, his head shot up looking directly at me before leaning over embracing me into an awkward hug, it wasn't an easy feet with all the wires everywhere.
I felt his body trembling bellow me, as I let him cry I started rubbing his back whispering words of comfort into his ear, I had forgotten my father was still in the room, I looked towards him he was sitting in a chair at the end of the bed watching our interactions, his face set into a warm smile.
I closed my eyes feeling more tired then when I first woke up, I felt Edward pull away from my embrace, placing a tender kiss on my forehead, I smiled, sighed happily.
I hadn't realised how dark it was outside, there was a small window in the room the blinds were palled half way down. I wondered were Emmet and Charlie are.
Carlisle looked towards me noticing my confusion.
"It's rather late Emmet and Charlie have gone home for the night I told them I will be here all night, they went home to get some rest you have been sleeping all day." Carlisle said.
"What time is it" I asked
"Ten o'clock" I nodded, I wonder why he stayed.
"It's my night shift, it's a quiet night so I thought I would keep you company" he said smiling at me.
"Thanks but you don't have to do that" I said.
"I wanted too" he said reassuringly.
We settled into an awkward silence, Edward still holding my hand. He looked as if he wanted to say something I felt like I knew exactly what he wanted to say.
"What is it Edward"
He looks up surprise in his face. "Bella promise me you will never ride one of those things again"
"Edward it wasn't exactly my fault it could off happened to anyone the person behind that car ran a red light I had no chance of knowing that."
"I know you didn't but if you were in a car you might not have been so injured as you are now" That brought up a question I hadn't yet asked, I didn't even know what injuries I had except for the leg and my wrist.
I looked over to Carlisle.
"What are my injuries how bad am I" he smiled sadly.
"Your right leg was badly broken in two places we had to operate, we put them back into place it should heal within eight to ten weeks. You also sustained four broken ribs," he said
I knew that, I could feel the harness constricting movement around my chest.
"You sprained your left wrist, and you have miner lacerations on your body, your back took most of the glass when you fell onto the windscreen, we had to remove some while you were in surgery. You also suffered a concussion. The morphine should be keeping the pain at bay, but we will have to start taking you of it soon, we will slowly wean you off in a couple of days, to much longer and your body could get dependent on it, you may be a bit sick for a little while it depends. We often find people with drug addictions have a harder time as they get addicted quicker. But that's not in your case so don't worry."
He pauses looking at me.
"I also have arranged for you to have a physiotherapist to come see you in a few days you have to learn how to cope with being on crutches for a while, and your muscles need to be strengthened especially in your leg"
Great I can hardly walk by myself now I have to trust myself on crutches yep that will work.
"Wow I didn't realise I had so many injuries, I can't really feel all of them at the moment, not looking forward to the pain coming back when you take me off the morphine though" I said. He smiles reassuringly.
"Don't worry we can give you other milder pain medication and it won't make you so sleepy" I nodded
I really had done a number on myself this time. Edward looked like he was falling asleep, Carlisle noticed he got up putting his hand on his shoulder.
"Edward I think your best go home get some rest you're no good to Bella like this"
"No I'm fine I am not leaving her" he said sleepily. Carlisle sighed. I decide to interrupt.
"Edward I'm going to be fine you look exhausted go home get some sleep I will be here in the morning please you're making me feel bad" he sighed heavily looking unsure.
"Edward please go home I don't want you getting sick because of me please, Carlisle here nothing going to happen to me" I said
"Alright I love you" he said kissing my cheek moving down to my lips, I felt a little uncomfortable knowing Carlisle was standing in the room.
"I love you too now go and I will see you tomorrow" I told him.
"Look after her Carlisle" Edward said. I rolled my eyes, smiling at him
"I will Edward don't worry, you be alright to drive" Carlisle asked.
"Yeah I will be fine" he places one last kiss on my head before leaving me with my father.
Carlisle comes over to sit by my bed where Edward was. Suddenly a nurse come fluttering into the room.
"Oh good evening Dr Cullen, Bella how you feeling dear. Time for you IV to be changed I wont be a minute." I smiled at her
"Good evening Marry" Carlisle said smiling kindly at the nurse, she looked dazzled for a few minutes before shaking her head and continuing with the IV change.
"There all done how you feeling dear you haven't had any pain medication for awhile" she said concerned.
"I'm alright at the moment" I said. The nurse looks disbelieving and a little unsure.
"Well call me if you're in pain honey and I will give you some more alright" I nodded at her smiling, she looked over at Carlisle smiling at him but he was looking at me. The nurse then left leaving us alone once again.
We stayed silent for what felt like hours I was feeling a little uncomfortable with the tension in the room, before Carlisle broke the silence.
"Bella" he started hesitantly "I would really like to get to know you if you would let me, I know I haven't been there for you and believe me when I say I regret it the most, I wish I had never left you, I know I cant make up for all the years I have lost with you, but I'm just asking you to give me a chance to know you please give me that chance."
I looked into his eyes trying to see the lie behind his words but there was none he really did mean it.
Do I really want to take the chance with him, would I just be setting myself up for another heartbreak, would he leave once he got board of me. What about Edward I couldn't lose him I love him, will he let me carry on seeing his son.
His eyes had taken on a sad but pleading look, what would I tell Charlie and Emmet would they be mad at me.
There is always too many question and not enough answers.
Deep down I wanted to take the chance to get to know him, Emmet and Charlie will always be my family and will always come first, if he was to leave again I know I would always have Emmet and Charlie. They have always supported me in the past and would go with my decision. I know they won't be very happy but they would understand. I decide I would take the chance, but I need it to be in my own time. I hope he's doing this because he wants to not because he feels obligated too.
I looked towards him his eyes were pleading looking deep into my soul.
"Alright we can give it a go, try to get to know each other again, but I'm not promising anything and I have to talk to Emmet and Charlie first, I need to do this in my own time. Don't expect me to start calling you dad anytime soon either ok" he smiles relief and excitement on his face.
"Thank you, thank you for giving me another chance I promise you I won't let you down" I nodded I still wanted to ask about Edward.
"How do you feel about me and Edward" I asked slightly nervous. He smiled
"I'm happy for the both of you, I have never seen Edward so happy you have changed him for the better, Edward has always been on his own, and never having a girlfriend before you, so I'm very happy to see him with you Esme is thrilled too"
I was quite shocked to find Edward never having a girlfriend before we had not spoken much about who we dated before we met.
"You have grown into a very beautiful young woman Bella, I couldn't have asked for a more beautiful daughter." I blushed under his intense gaze.
"Do I still remind you of mum." He nods, but he doe sent look sad about it.
"Yes you look a lot like your mother did, you have her eyes and her hai,r she had hair just like you, though you have my face you have my nose." He said smiling a little.
"I miss her very much, I never stopped loving her, there will always be a part in my heart for her but when I met Esme I realised that I had to move on, it doesn't mean I stopped loving your mum, I just made room for Esme as well"
I nodded understanding, but what I didn't understand is how he could have left me, I don't think I will ever truly understand. How can a father leave his own daughter I'm not sure I can ever forgive him either, but maybe I can move on like he did.
"When did you meet Esme" I wanted to know how long it took him to find someone else.
He looked nervous, "It was five weeks after I…." he couldn't finish his sentence, I felt my eyes widen looking shocked at him. Five week five fucking weeks. I was speechless.
"Bella I know what you think but it wasn't like that" he said slightly panicked.
"No well what was it like then, FIVE WEEKS" I shouted, I laughed without hummer it sounded like a strangled cry.
Silence descended over us, I don't think I could hear anymore tonight, I didn't have the energy.
"I think I need to rest now I'm feeling really tied"
"Bella I " But I interrupted him.
"Please not tonight we can talk again soon I'm just really tired and I hurt." He nods.
I know there was going to be things I wouldn't like to hear, but I felt shocked and angry that it only took him five god dam weeks to replace both me and my mum.
"I will go get the nurse ask her to give you some more pain medication, you'll feel better soon" He said going into doctor mode.
I nodded and he left the room. I could feel tear running down my cheek, I felt sick how could he do this to me, I didn't understand I felt so confused, I wanted to see Emmet and Charlie, Emmet giving me his big bear hug. Tears were streaming down my face now. The nurse came in looking slightly panicked as she took in my crying form she rushed over.
"Oh honey what's wrong why are you crying" she said while rubbing my shoulder. I shook my head
"I'm alright I just hurt, I feel exhausted" she smiles sadly.
"Well you feel better in a minute I have some more pain medication, I'm going to put it in your IV ok honey" I nodded wiping my tear away.
"There you go you should feel that in a few minutes" she said softly puffing up my pillows.
"Thank you" I said sniffing.
"Your welcome" she said.
I felt the pain easing up and my eyes were becoming heavy I didn't fight it, I needed the blackness, I welcomed it, the last thing I thought I heard was Carlisle voice.
"I'm so sorry sleep my angel"
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