A/N: Many thanks to the ladies at STCC- you know who you are!
Chapter 11: Truce
Nyota bent over her desk, scribbling on her PADD and trying- with little success- to ignore the Orion sitting on a bed behind her.
"I couldn't believe Moretti almost failed me in that class! I mean, come on- just because he hasn't wet his wick in probably decades doesn't mean he should take it out on students and fail them. It's not our fault he doesn't like it when we would rather flirt than listen to him lecture us on advanced algorithms..."
She had been at it for an hour, chattering on about one thing or another: shoes, her latest conquest, complaints about certain cadets or officers, the rumors about this or that instructor that were circulating around campus... Gaila was a veritable mine of useless information and Nyota often wished she would apply that magnificent brain of hers towards her studies.
As she had been over the last hour, Nyota leaned closer to her PADD and tuned her friend out. Why had Gaila chosen to be in one of her talkative moods when Nyota was trying to complete an essay that was due the next day?
"But that's okay. I ended up passing after cramming for the final exam. By the way, I saw your Commander today in a corridor," Gaila said cheerfully, switching subjects without even taking a breath.
"Which one?" Nyota asked absentmindedly, frowning as she reread the last sentence she had written.
"Commander Spock. The Vulcan Sex Machine," Gaila replied as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Despite being turned away from her, Nyota could almost feel the Orion roll her eyes in annoyance.
"Don't call him that, Gaila," she said, trying to keep her voice even- but her eyebrows drew together as she leaned further over her PADD, gripping her stylus tightly. "He's your superior officer and his position demands respect."
Nyota heard a quiet "Tuh!" from behind her, but chose to ignore it. She knew exactly what her roommate thought about Spock: Gaila thought he was an ass for the way he had treated Nyota, but also believed they should be together. She had become convinced after their encounter with him at the bar. She insisted it was a sign. Never mind the fact that he had walked away from Nyota that night and left her in torment for days- the Orion was still adamant that if the two of them just talked,everything would be all right and they would live happily ever after.
Nyota knew she shouldn't have recommended those old Terran romance novels back in freshman year.
"And," Nyota said as she twisted around in her chair to look at her friend, "he's not my Commander."
"If you say so," Gaila said in a singsong voice as she returned to painting her toenails cherry red. "But I don't see any other cadets sleeping with him."
"I don't sleep with him, either," Nyota said impatiently, turning back to her PADD and haphazardly jotting down the last few sentences. "That was a one-time thing, as you very well know."
Gaila had no reply to that, and neither woman said anything as Nyota finished her essay and started to pack away her PADD.
"I have Gamma shift in the lab tonight. I'd better go," she said, fastening her case and standing from her chair.
"I'm just saying," Gaila began as if their conversation hadn't ended minutes previously, "that you said yourself it seems like he's everywhere. There has to be a reason for that. If you just spoke to him about it, maybe-"
"Coincidence, Gaila." Nyota's voice was hard as she interrupted. "I don't believe in 'signs', so just drop it." She glanced over at her roommate when she reached the door, and saw that her lips were pursed and her eyes narrowed as she continued to apply a layer of polish to her nails.
Two weeks before, when Nyota had returned from her first Gamma shift with Spock, Gaila had wanted to know how things were between them. Nyota had replied with "It was okay," and the Orion hadn't inquired any further after that. She didn't know anything about Spock's confession- or his explanation. Nyota had no intentions of telling her. That was private- between her and Spock and no one else.
Besides, saying it aloud would make it official: she would have to acknowledge that she had no chance with him.
When the door hissed shut behind her, she was already moving down the empty hall. Most cadets were at dinner or in their dorms by this time, and she encountered no one on her way to Commander Ripley's communications lab.
Where she would work with Spock that night.
Sometimes he got there before her; sometimes he didn't. This time he was already there when she entered the room filled with gently-humming consoles and equipment.
"Evening, Commander," she said as he looked up from his station. She always dreaded seeing him during the long walk from her dorm to the lab, and yet... each time she walked into the room and saw him, she felt her shoulders relax and a deep calm settle over her, the dread forgotten. Tonight was no different.
"Good evening, Cadet Uhura," he said in the tone of voice he reserved solely for her; it was quieter than the one he used to address others. She gave him a small smile before sitting at the console adjacent to his and setting her bag on the floor.
Two weeks had passed, and while she sensed that they were slowly easing back into their professional relationship, there were undeniable undertones of something more. She saw it in the way he looked at her, his eyes slightly softened... heard it in the sound of his deep, smooth voice when he spoke to her. It reminded her that they could pretend all they wanted- but they knew the truth.
Nyota began to run her usual tests on the console, and as she did, Spock reached over to pick up his earpiece, lying near her hand. Their fingers brushed- she felt a spark, like a jolt of electricity. The contact was too brief for her to catch anything other than a quick flash of unintelligible emotion- but she felt it regardless. It shot through her hand and up her arm, making her gasp with its intensity.
These accidental touches happened entirely too often- especially considering that Spock was Vulcan and his people were generally very careful about avoiding contact. And while she knew it would not help her come to terms with the reality of their situation- part of her longed for those occasional touches.
"Have you read the Enterprise updates today?" Spock asked as he inserted the earpiece and turned to his console. Although his face was carefully blank, showing no sign of a reaction to the touch, she wondered if it made his stomach flutter, too.
"I did, sir," she replied, picking up her own earpiece. She took a deep breath, steeling herself for the shift ahead. Their conversations were never lengthy; they mostly operated in silence, although a more comfortable one than on their first day together. Still... there was something about his presence that made it hard for her to concentrate. Especially when he sat so close to her that she could breathe in his natural masculine scent....
They always stuck to the safe topics: Starfleet, academics, and the Enterprise. Anything else was an unspoken taboo. Nothing even remotely personal was discussed; like two animals circling each other, they avoided anything that could possibly touch on the truth they were striving to ignore- but which hovered over them constantly.
After the first half-hour of conversation they fell silent- both out of subjects for discussion. Nyota glanced over at Spock, who appeared to be concentrating on his station rather harder than was necessary considering the lag in incoming communications. And as she looked at his passive features- so hard and cold, masking what she knew was underneath- she thought about what he had told her two weeks earlier.
Duty. Such a simple word, yet it carried so much weight and meaning- so many connotations that could affect so much. She had duties, too- to Starfleet, to not let her mother and father down- to herself to be the best she could be.
But none of those could compare to Spock's duties to his heritage, whatever they might be. She knew how he felt- knew how lonely he was, how much of an outcast he was among his own people. And she knew that the same thing about him that she admired most- the same thing she possibly loved about him- was the same thing that made him an outcast: his uniqueness. And it was this same uniqueness that would pressure him and make him more determined than ever to carry out his duties as a Vulcan rather than as a human.
Duty. She was growing to hate the word. But she understood it.
As she turned back to her console, she wondered what might have happened if he did not have these duties- if their only obstacle had been the fact that she was his student. Would he give in to his emotions then? Or was this duty he spoke of merely an excuse? A way to shield himself from her because of his own fear of being hurt, which had been fostered by a lifetime of rejection?
Nyota pondered this question, her eyes unfocused as she gazed at the glyphs on her screen. She knew Spock felt- perhaps more keenly and deeply than any human- and her heart ached for him, for what he was and the life he was bound to by his birthright.
"Cadet?"
Spock's voice broke through her wandering thoughts and she sat up straighter, clearing her throat."Yes, Commander?" she asked.
"The shift ends in five minutes," he said. She blinked in surprise, checking the clock on her console even though she knew he was right. She hadn't realized how much time had passed. "I will begin the final checks and you may leave."
Nyota didn't dare look at him- she knew how his eyes looked when they were on her. They matched the tone of voice he always used with her, and seeing the look would only make her curse that word duty all the more. Instead she replied; "Sir, I have to finish my translations. It would be better for me to stay behind and finish up."
"Very well," Spock said, and she sensed movement out of the corner of her eye as he stood. "I trust the lab is in capable hands."
Nyota felt a small smile flicker over her lips as he moved past her towards the door. As she watched him go, she recalled what Gaila had said. Maybe she had a point about talking... duty always came first, but maybe an accommodation could be made if they discussed their options... Now that she saw him twice a week, she was finding it more difficult than she'd anticipated to move on; maybe she wasn't supposed to. Maybe there was something they could do that would satisfy the both of them....
When the door slid open again a minute later, she turned back to the entrance, her heart leaping into her throat- whether it was from dread or hope that Spock had returned, she didn't know- but when she saw Commander Ripley, disappointment made her heart sink back down to its proper place.
"Commander," she said, standing at attention.
"Is Spock gone already?" the wizened Commander asked, looking around the lab with a frown on his face, as if expecting to see Spock hiding behind a console.
"Yes, sir, he left a few minutes ago. I was just completing the closing reports for the shift," Nyota replied.
"Damn. He ran diagnostics on the consoles last night and I looked over the results this morning. Meant to get them back to him tonight," Ripley grumbled, running one wrinkled hand through his silver hair distractedly. "Cadet Uhura, the student dorms are close to his quarters and you're about to leave for the night. Could you take this PADD to him? I'd like for him to have it before tomorrow."
Nyota's lips parted slightly but no words came out, her breath catching in her chest. She had absolutely no desire to return to that place; but while Ripley's words indicated that it was a question, the stern look he gave her at her hesitation proved that it was an order.
"Yes, sir," she finally said in a small voice, and as she said the words she felt dread building up in her stomach like a tight knot.
"Good. You can find his room number by consulting the building's directory in the lobby," Ripley said, giving her a warm smile. "Thank you, Cadet."
She took the PADD held out to her and gave him a tight smile, her stomach now roiling unpleasantly. Seeing Spock in class or in a lab was one thing; seeing him in the very place where they had broken every student-teacher regulation was another. It was personal. Private. And she knew it would bring back memories.
"You're welcome, sir," she replied stiffly, but he was already sitting down at a console to take over Delta shift. Without another word, Nyota took a deep breath to steady herself and left the lab, her destination Spock's quarters.
Settling on the floor of his bedroom, Spock was just sinking into the relaxing depths of meditation when the front door chimed, jarring his senses and ripping him out of that peaceful state. Annoyance flashed through him, but he took a breath to recenter himself before unfolding his legs and standing gracefully from the mat.
"Enter," he commanded. He heard the door slide open... and then a familiar cadence of quiet footsteps against the carpeted floor. He was unsure how he recognized it so easily and quickly, but when he did his gaze fell on his closet, where he could see a shredded cadet's uniform resting on a shelf. He wondered why she was here, and felt a deep uneasiness settle within him as the footsteps stopped before reaching him.
He stayed where he was for a moment longer, a strange nervousness bubbling up within him and making his stomach clench, his respiration and heart rate increasing. She was here. In his quarters. But despite his discomfort, he knew he should not- could not- allow this to faze him. He drew himself up and left the bedroom.
She stood in the middle of his living room, looking as nervous as he felt and holding a PADD in her trembling hands.
"Cadet Uhura," he said, and his voice seemed to relax her. The faint trembling stopped and he saw her wet her lips before speaking, gracing his quarters with her melodious voice once again.
"Commander Ripley wanted me to drop this off, sir," she said, her voice even and professional, her eyes determinedly blank. And yet for all her efforts, he knew how she really felt when he reached out for the PADD and their fingers brushed. He was filled with a surge of her own uneasiness- and her sadness as well. Every time he touched her he felt that sadness, that despair... and it mirrored his own.
Their occasional contact was not intentional. But he did not attempt to avoid it, either; Vulcans did not shrink from all contact... only from those people with whom they had no familiarity. Cadet Uhura was not unfamiliar to him- he felt no revulsion at her touch. There was no logical reason to disallow these casual and rare touches.
He did not wish to stop them, anyway.
"Thank you, Cadet," he replied, setting the PADD on his coffee table. There was an awkward silence between them; she stood with her arms folded over her chest, eyes darting around the room. He stood three feet away from her, arms at his sides, his gaze trained on her unwaveringly.
He wondered if she, too, was remembering the night they had spent together in these quarters; the images were again flitting through his mind like a holo-vid stuck on replay. He could almost feel her skin against his- could almost hear her cries of pleasure. The memories forced him to take several deep breaths to center himself.
"Do you require anything further, Cadet?" he finally asked. He feared that if she stayed any longer the temptation would become too great; he would say- or do- something he might regret....
At his words, her features flickered- not in surprise, but as if in realization. Her eyes widened slightly as they finally rested on him and her lips parted.
"Commander..." she said, and then stopped. Her eyes softened and her features lost their hardness as she spoke again. "Spock..." she amended, voice barely above a whisper.
Spock straightened and drew his hands behind his back, clasping them together tightly. "Cadet, please adhere to professional titles." His voice was stern, hiding the warmness he felt rising within him at the sound of his name on her lips.
She shook her head. "I'm not talking to you as my superior at the moment, Spock," she said, voice gentle. "I was just thinking..." She looked away from him, eyes resting on the floor instead.
He should have reprimanded her further; he should have insisted that she maintain professionalism. Instead, he felt something within him give away. "Yes, Nyota?" he asked, his voice as quiet as hers. Her eyes met his again.
"I've been thinking about what you said, Spock. About duty. And I know it's important- I would never even dream of trying to change your mind about that. But maybe..." She hesitated, wetting her lips again. He inclined his head to indicate that she should go on, and this seemed to give her courage. "Maybe we can work something out. Something that will make us both happy but will allow you to... fulfill your duties, whatever they are."
Spock was tempted to drop his gaze from hers. He did not. "What are you suggesting?" he asked, humoring her although he knew no such arrangement could be reached- but he thought he owed it to her to at least listen.
"I don't know." She shook her head, looking away at last and biting her lip. "Maybe we could... be together... but somehow still work around your duty?"
Spock realized that she had no idea he already had a mate waiting for him. She knew nothing. And as he replied to her suggestion, an ache began to throb in the region of his heart. "Nyota, such a thing is impossible," he said gently. "I cannot. The sort of duties I have would prevent anything from coming of a relationship."
"It wouldn't have to be a relationship! Just something... temporary."
There was a tinge of desperation in her voice, but he knew when she bit her lip harder that this was not what she truly wanted.
"We cannot," he said, a pang shooting through him at his own words. "That is not what either of us wants, Nyota. It would be foolish to attempt something we would later regret. You know this."
"I wouldn't regret it!" she protested, but he was shaking his head before she even finished.
"I did not mean the casual relationship to which you are referring, but to our inevitable parting of ways. No, Nyota. It would be better to let things be."
Nyota took a shaky breath, but when she let it out she seemed calmer. She looked up at him again, face set in determined lines once more as she gave him a strained smile.
"You're right," she said, trying and failing to sound nonchalant. "I guess I just wanted to find some way..." She broke off, taking another deep breath.
"Understandable," he replied.
Her smile tightened further until it was almost a grimace. "I should go, Commander," she said. "Have a good evening."
She turned to leave, but had taken only one step when he stopped her- quickly crossing the room to lay a hand on her arm. She turned back, surprise etched onto her features.
He wasn't even sure why he had done it; he had acted on instinct when he saw her turn to leave. It had brought back the memory of waking up to find her gone and hearing the door close behind her....
"Spock?" she asked, slipping back out of her professional manner, her eyes questioning.
He cast about for something to say. At a loss for words, he settled on, "Have a good evening, Cadet."
She continued to look up at him quizzically, but then she nodded and backed away. He released her arm, which he hadn't realized he was still holding, and watched as she headed towards the door.
"See you on Thursday, Commander," she said.
And then the door was sliding open and she was leaving him again.
He turned back to the bedroom, in more need of meditation than he had been in weeks. He had taken two steps toward the doorway when he heard her voice out in the hallway.
"Oh- sorry, Captain," Nyota said.
"No problem, Cadet," came a familiar voice. "Continue on."
He heard Nyota's footsteps retreat down the corridor, and turned back to the living room in time to see Captain Pike frowning in the doorway as he watched her disappear around a corner. He then went through the still-open door and turned to look at Spock. Something in his face- which was more serious than Spock had ever seen it- alerted the Vulcan to the fact that this was no ordinary visit.
"Spock," Pike said, pressing a button to make the door slide shut, "we need to talk."
"And what will be the subject of our conversation, Captain?" Spock asked, again clasping his hands behind his back. He assumed Pike had come to speak to him about the upcoming launch of the Enterprise.
Pike met his gaze, his blue eyes unusually cold. "Cadet Uhura," he replied.