Title: Kidnapped! The Musical
Rating: PG-13
Fandom: Criminal Minds
Characters/Pairing: JJ/Morgan, Hotch/Garcia, Rossi/Prentiss, Reid/Jordan, Kevin/Will
Genre: Musical/Comedy/Romance
Summary: Their own bizarre kidnapping and unexplained singing is definitely something the BAU could do without. But then again, there may be some positive side effects after all.

Kidnapped! The Musical

…

It is a far, far better thing to have a firm anchor in nonsense than to put out on the troubled sea of thought.

John Kenneth Galbraith

…

Chapter Ten – In which the team return to the BAU, and a mysterious question is given a ridiculous answer

Reid blinked.

They were standing outside the FBI Academy – definitely not the place where they had first encountered the tunnel. They didn't end up where they thought they were going, but rather, the place they needed to be. It was strange. Considering the day had been fraught with impromptu musicals, inexplicable romantic entanglements, and all other manner of things, he wasn't surprised in the least.

Today, his world had evolved beyond science; beyond quantum physics, and chemistry, and biology. It seemed both intriguing and disconcerting at the same time.

Jordan put a hand to his shoulder.

'Is everything okay?' she asked him, in a concerned voice.

He wasn't quite sure how to answer.

One by one, the rest of the team emerged, eyes wide, as though waking from a bizarre dream. Morgan was grasping the kidnapper by the arm, the silent threat of bodily harm hanging in the air.

The dream wasn't over yet.

'What now?' Garcia wondered aloud, and no-one was quite sure what the answer to that question was. The random, inexplicable musical urges that overcame them were not exactly a crime that could be profiled; there was no victimology, no crime scene. They were lost.

It wasn't exactly a common experience for Spencer Reid. Today, he was learning a lot of new things.

'We'll regroup in the briefing room,' Hotch said authoritatively. 'I know that it probably won't do much good, but I'm going to ask you all to try and keep the singing to a minimum.'

Rossi nodded. 'We don't want to get sucked into the chaos.'

Hotch shook his head. 'Not just that. It's giving me a fucking headache.'

Eyebrows were raised at the Unit Chief's uncharacteristic swear. Just another sign of the topsi-turviness that had overtaken the world.

After Morgan kicked the kidnapper in the shins when he started to hum, the elevator ride up to their floor was completely silent. Reid was half amused to noticed that they had clumped themselves into pairs; Hotch and Garcia, Kevin and Will, Rossi and Prentiss, etc.

The elevator stopped with a ding, and they stepped out into a whole different world.

'Are they…can-can dancers?' Emily asked incredulously.

'At least no-one's stripping anymore,' shrugged Jordan. Reid gave her a look. She winked back.

'Hey Dave,' Emily nudged Rossi. 'There's that ninja mariachi band you wanted so much.'

'We should probably make sure that Cyber Crimes gets drug tested a little more often,' JJ added.

They were greeted by Agent Anderson, who seemed to be wearing a skintight jumpsuit, and intermittently broke out into spasms of glam rock.

'Hey guys,' he said, a look of pure misery on his face. 'I believe in a thing called love. Just listen to the rhythm of my heart.' He slapped himself, hard, before the song could continue. Reid frowned. It almost seemed as though whatever was causing this was more potent in the FBI building. It wouldn't surprise him if the source was somewhere in the immediate vicinity. 'Strauss wants to see you,' Anderson added. 'Don't stop believing. Hold on to that feeeeling. Street lights, pe-' The song was cut off as Rossi slapped the younger man again. 'Thanks,' he said. 'I tell you – if you can find out what's causing this, I will be forever grateful.' Morgan handed their prisoner over to Anderson, who promised to deal with him, once the madness had died down.

'What would Strauss want?' mused Garcia, as they walked back towards the elevators, leaving chaos behind them.

'Wouldn't surprise me if the Wicked Witch of the West was behind this whole thing,' laughed Emily. No-one else found the comment particularly amusing. Perhaps because it wouldn't surprise anyone.

'Let's not go making hasty assumptions,' Hotch frowned, not bothering to deny the possibility.

Reid took the lead, stepping through into Strauss' office with some apprehension. The office was a fairly large one, but with the ten of them, plus Strauss, crowded in there, it seemed more the size of a supply closet. Of course, supply closets were usually used for more nefarious activities.

'Are you causing this?' Garcia blurted out, cutting in on the tense silence.

Erin Strauss, Section Chief, bane of their existence, three time winner of the FBI's Least Favorite Agent award, simply stared at them.

'That's a very harsh accusation,' Strauss replied, which in Reid's eyes, seemed as good as a confession. 'You certainly can't prove that I'm responsible for increased pheromone levels-'

'Wait,' Reid cut in. 'You're not talking about the music, are you?'

Strauss gave a cold laugh. 'You think I'm responsible for this clusterfuck? Really, what could I gain from making sure that no agent gets any work done?'

'But you…pheromones?' Will said, his voice filled with confusion. 'Are we attracted to each other because you made us?'

'Well…' Strauss conceded. 'It didn't exactly turn out the way it was supposed to. I would have chosen much more conventional pairings, but fate just had to get in the way.'

'That doesn't make this any less real,' Hotch said, his voice filled with an anger that Reid had never heard before. 'Whatever we…whatever I feel, that's real enough.'

Garcia gave him a look. 'You mean that, sweetcheeks?'

'Of course I do, Penelope.' They shared a long, passionate kiss. Everyone looked away awkwardly; Reid could sense their need to mirror the same actions, but that would have been a little cheesy.

'Wait, wait…' JJ held her hands up. 'You were responsible for the inexplicable attraction, the crazy guy was responsible for the kidnapping, but we still don't know why everybody's singing.'

'Um…' Kevin said, rubbing his hand across the back of his neck. 'I, uh…I kind of have a confession to make. Well…The singing was my fault. There was a demon, and a necklace, and a happy ending, and I just…yeah.'

Reid shook his head.

Really, nothing surprised him anymore.

A/N: I feel the need to explain this ending, so it doesn't seem like as much of a copout as it appears. To really appreciate the idea, you need to have seen the musical episode of Buffy, in which a character (played by Nicholas Brendan, who also plays Kevin) out of nowhere reveals that he was responsible for summoning the demon that caused everyone to sing, despite having spent the entire episode trying to find out why they were singing. It was the low point in an otherwise fantastic episode, and I just wanted to mirror the absurdity. One more chapter after this one.