A/N: No hate mail or death threats about the Legolas-bashing, por favor. Comments about how Legolas a) isn't actually blond and/or b) is not Middle Earth's Captain Obvious should be sent to Peter Jackson because I don't care what color Leggy's roots are and I'm not the one who thought Tolkien's novel was up for revision—not that I feel strongly or anything. ;)

Summer 2009

"So, where are we going for dinner tonight?" I asked Kyle, looking up at him.

"You tell me. You know where all the good restaurants are."

I thought for a moment, and then grinned. "The Dinosaur BBQ. Best food in town! I'll tell everyone." I stood up and walked out from under his arm. "Sarah! Loosen your belt, girl, 'cause we're gonna eat good tonight. We're going to the Dino!" I called as I hurried across the room. "Call Jim and see if he can join us."

"Won't Kyle care?" She nodded toward him.

"Are you kidding? He'll love another guy there being there. Support in a sea of estrogen."

While Sarah was calling her hubby, I went to see if April was going to stay and do dinner or go home with Liz and Elly, who'd just finished telling April she (April) was leaving right now because they (the Patterson women) were mad at me for unfairly singling Liz out and yelling at her and they were leaving right now and going back home because they didn't want to spend another minute among us.

I could tell from April's body language she didn't appreciate being told how to think and act and likely wanted to tell Elly if she (Elly) and Liz were so upset they could leave but she (April) was going to stay. Worried she was going to cave under Elly's bulldozer tactics, I started to move to step between them so I could steer April away.

"I want to stay, Ma," April said firmly. "I'll be fine. I've traveled to Manitoba and back each summer on my own for several years and been fine, so, please, don't act like I'll be attacked and robbed—"

"Don't say that!" interjected Elly. "The thought of something happening to you terrifies me!"

"I can handle myself, Ma. I'll get home just fine."

Elly looked disgruntled. "No, April, you're coming with your sister and me. We're not welcome here and I'm more than ready to leave." She glanced at me, giving me a dirty look, and then grabbed April's wrist and started to pull her towards the door.

"Ma, STOP! You're hurting me!" April protested. When Elly let go of her wrist, April jerked her hand back and held it against her chest, gently rubbing her wrist with her other hand. "It's Liz Olivia asked to leave, not you and me. I didn't do anything and Olivia wants me to stay. It's not fair that everything should be ruined for me when it's Liz's own fault she had to leave, so I'm not going to leave and you can't force me. I'm an adult now."

I bit back a smile, April's expression reminding me of when I'd turned eighteen and started standing up to my parents (read: my dad). I'd been so incredibly nervous and uncertain of myself underneath the façade of firm resolve and confidence I'd been trying to project. Much like Elly, only less shrill and more likely to curse, when my dad told you to do something, he expected you to immediately obey. Any other response than "I'll get right to it" was met with extreme irritation and anger unless you were saying you'd have to do it later because you were hemorrhaging from a major artery and really wanted to get to the hospital before you totally bled out, or that a sudden attack of paralysis made it impossible for you to get up out of the chair you were in. If April won the battle of wills, I was taking her to the mall the next day and buying her something expensive.

"You may be an adult, young lady, but you still live under my roof and you'll live by my rules as long as you do!"

April blanched but quickly regained her colour. "It's Dad's name on the deed, not yours, so I'm not living under your roof, and when I get home tomorrow you won't need to worry about bossing me around any more because I'm taking my stuff and living with Eva and Duncan until I leave for uni."

'I'm buying her a Jaguar,' I thought, extremely impressed by April's unexpected chutzpah. 'I'm buying her a Jag and making sure she has everything she needs for uni—no, forget the Jag. She needs something to shove all her worldly possessions into. I'll buy her a Prius.' Practical and, best of all, she'd save mad money at the gas pump.

Elly's neck and face turned a deep red and she glowered at April for a long moment before making an inarticulate expression of frustration and anger, turning on her heel, and stalking out of the room.

Everyone began applauding as soon as Elly was gone.

"You are awesome, girl!" Regina said, putting an arm around April's shoulders. "Good for you, standing up to her!"

"Yeah, that was seriously amazing." Sarah put an arm around Regina's shoulders. "I never could've stood up to my mom like that when I was your age. Of course, my mom is cool so I never had to, but I know I wouldn't have had the guts if she had been like your mom."

"You think she might toss all your stuff on the lawn, or gather it all up and refuse to give it to you?" I asked, concerned.

"Nope. She'll just yell and rant and stew a lot." April shrugged. "She might decide to pack my stuff up and put the boxes near the front door and have Pop give them to me when I show up, hoping that if it looks like they want me gone I'll feel sorrow and rejection and, unable to bear the idea of being estranged from my loving parents, beg forgiveness for my sins, which, of course, Ma will be only too happy to provide and she'll help move the boxes back into my cramped room in the basement, relieved I've come to my senses." April's expression told me that scenario wasn't likely. "I'd love it if she did, though. It'll spare me a lot of time and work having to do it myself, and having to hear Ma go on and on to Pop about how it just breaks her heart I'm leaving and what did she do wrong and how I've rejected the family and she'll be really loud about it so I'll hear."

"How very passive-aggressive," I said dryly. "I see where Liz got it from."

"Like mother, like daughter." April smiled bitterly. "I am so glad I'm leaving for uni in less than a month. I'm going to find an apartment in town and when I do, the next time I'm on break I'll only be back home—in Millborough long enough to get whatever I couldn't take with me from Eva and Duncan's and to visit with Gramps and Iris. Ma will have a fit I wasn't a dutiful daughter and didn't visit like I'm supposed to, and I know she'll have this whole scenario in her mind where I beg forgiveness and she graciously forgives me." She rolled her eyes. "She'll probably be most upset by me robbing her of the opportunity to live out her fantasies. I love her, but she can't deal with anything that doesn't fit into her nice, neat, regimented plan and march according to her orders."

"How anal," Sarah said distainfully. "What a control freak. Type A much?"

I smirked. "Whatever gave you that idea? Oh, is Jim coming?"

Sarah nodded. "He'll meet us there. You're sure Kyle won't mind?"

"Absolutely." I shrieked when two arms suddenly grabbed me from behind and lifted me a few inches off the floor. "Ha, ha. Very funny. You can put me down now."

"What if I don't want to?" Kyle asked, clearly thrilled to have me at a disadvantage.

"How'd you like to sleep on the couch for the next four or five decades?"

"Wouldn't bother me. It's very comfortable."

By now, everyone was watching us.

"Kyle, put me down. Please." My patience and good humor with being the butt of a joke—even one as small and good-natured as this—was quickly running out.

"Don't do it!" Lisa said, her sentiments echoed a moment later by the other women.

"Carry her to the car!" April called and everyone cheered. I gave her a dirty look and, cheeky brat that she was, she grinned and gave me a double thumbs up.

Katie decided to ruin all their fun by reminding everyone a moment later, "We can't leave yet; we have to finish cleaning up." After the groans died down, she added, "Then he can carry her out to the car."

There was much rejoicing at Katie's pronouncement and everyone, save my captor and myself, set to work and much too soon for my liking, the room Aunt Harriet had reserved for the party at her church was clean and the furniture returned to its original positions.

"Now we can leave," Katie said, grinning like the cat that got the canary. "Regina, make sure to get pictures."

'I'm killing them both later,' I thought sardonically as I was turned around and hoisted up over Kyle's shoulder, much to the amusement and pleasure of my traitorous relatives. All of them were going to die, too. Slowly and painfully. Death by pokey, perhaps. I smiled, remembering the joke that came from. My mom's mom had told it to me when I was about kindergarten age and I'd thought it was the most hilarious thing ever. Odd what you remembered sometimes.

My abdominal muscles were very thankful when Kyle shifted me so he had one arm under my knees and the other around my upper body.

"Unless you want to eat pavement, dear, you need to hold onto my neck."

"Gladly. Easier to throttle you that way."

"You might want to wait until I'm not carrying you. Like tonight, after dinner, when we're in our room at the Del Monte."

My eyebrows shot up. "You booked a room there? That place is ridiculously expensive!"

"I can always cancel it if you want and we can go to some seedy rent-by-the-hour motel if you want."

"If I didn't have to hold onto you, I'd smack you. Rent-by-the-hour motel, indeed. You want to sleep alone tonight, don't you?"

"You're forgiven." He planted a quick kiss on my forehead. "You can show me everything you got today."

I grinned. "Absolutely. I hope Aunt Harriet remembers to bring the bag of everything to the car." There were many wonderful things about already being married, and this was one of them.

Eloping to Vegas and having an Elvis impersonator marry us had been my crazy idea, more or less. That Kyle and I were keeping it under wraps and having a church wedding later for the sake of family was mine also, if you consider remembering what Mike and Dee had done as being my idea.

The excitement of announcing our engagement and hearing friends and family gush about how happy they were died down at the end of January, replaced by people asking if we'd set a date yet and how the planning was going. "No" and "We haven't started yet" brought expressions of dismay and horror stories about couples who left off planning until it was almost too late. After several weeks of that, we finally made time in mid-February to start planning.

"The legal kind," was Kyle's response when I asked him what kind of wedding he wanted.

I gave him a Look. "So you'd be fine with getting married nude in Times Square during rush hour, with a reception at the police station after they arrest us?" I asked dryly.

"As long as it was legal and binding." He laughed when I gave him another Look. "Or we could elope. We wouldn't have to worry about being arrested for public indecency if we eloped."

"Nothing like being arrested on your wedding day to make it truly memorable." I rolled my eyes. "Since you don't care, I'll talk to a friend of mine who's worked as a wedding planner and let you know when to go for a tux fitting."

"How about an olive green paisley cummerbund?"

"You want to die, don't you?" When he nodded, I sighed heavily. "You're hopeless. I don't know why I put up with you."

"Because you can't get enough of my stunning good looks and brilliant mind?"

"Keep telling yourself that." Smiling, I reached across the small table and patted his hand. "We need to set a date. Any preferences or are you apathetic about that, too?"

"Next weekend is good."

"And ABC just announced pigs have started flying. Try something more realistic, like June—oh, wait. No. That's the height of wedding season." I took off my glasses and rested my face on my hands for a long moment. "There's no way we'll find anywhere that's free in June, or May, or July, either. Maybe August. Doesn't that just suck the big one? So much for a short engagement." I sighed, frustrated. "Hell's bells on little white mice."

"We wouldn't have to wait if we eloped."

"My parents would have kittens and I know it would mean a lot to my dad to walk me down the aisle and you know rumors would start that I was pregnant and that's why we married in such a hurry and—I'd rather not. As appealing as not having to deal with planning a wedding and getting married ASAP sound, I want a church wedding. My inner child has been looking forward to one for years." I also didn't want to deal with the inevitable 'she copied Liz' mindset and smug, self-congratulating attitude the Pattersons would adopt when news of my elopement reached them. Elly had done well, indoctrinating Mike and Liz to see themselves as the focus of everything, so the fact I'd eloped with a guy I'd been good friends with for years would be seen as proof I was continuing to copy Liz (when I'd started dating Kyle, Elly had insinuated she and Liz thought I was playing 'monkey see, monkey do' in hopes of finally being married). It galled me that what the Pattersons thought played a role in my thinking, but the amount of irritation and annoyance Elly and her spawn would likely inflict upon my family and myself for years to come left me no other choice. Kyle didn't know about the Pattersons and I wasn't going to tell him unless I absolutely had to (read: preferably never).

Eloping was a family tradition with them. First Mike and Dee, and then Liz and Mr. Cardboard. Years ago, I'd hoped Liz moving to the Middle of Nowhere to teach meant she was striking out on a different path than Elly had taken and that she wouldn't end up like her mother, but it wasn't to be. Liz settled and, for a time, Elly reveled in making her dreams of a floofy white wedding become a reality. She'd been furious when Liz robbed her of a white floofy wedding and went fifty different kinds of totally postal. In an email, April told me that Dee had told her that Elly's reaction had really surprised her.

"Dee sez that even her ma wouldn't have been like that if her ma had found out Dee and Mike eloped and the church wedding wuz just to shut her up (Dee's ma, I mean)," April had confided. "Ma iz always talking trash about Dee's ma and how Dee's ma iz soooo controlling and tries to micromanage Dee and Mike and never shuts up and iz always showing up at their (Dee and Mike's) house unexpected and with lots of stuff for Robin and Merrie. Mira (Dee's mom) iz kinda overbearing and tries to tell Dee what to do, but Ma's worse. Ma iz such a total hypocrite sometimes. She just walks down to Mike's almost every day and lets herself in and she always just pushes right in to whatever Dee is doing and takes over and tells Dee what she's doing wrong and she always complains if Mira and Wulf watch Merrie and Robin instead of her. Mira and Wulf adore Merrie and Robin, just like Ma and Pop do, so what's the problem?"

"Ma gives Dee a hard time about working instead of staying home with Merrie and Robin, which pisses me off. It's not like Merrie and Robin are dumped in some day-care all week. Mike works from home and takes care of them. Ma iz saying now that Mike iz a published author and making lots of money Dee should quit her job and be a mother full-time, like women are supposed to be. I feel bad for Dee. She loves her job and being told, basically, that she's not a good mother really hurts her. She never sez anything but I can tell by her expression. Mike's a douchebag for not telling Ma to leave Dee alone. This isn't 1908, so Ma needs to wake up and get with the times. Whenever I get married and have kids, I'm going to do what I want and if Ma gets on my case I'm going to tell her to shut up and leave me alone and let me and my husband decide what iz best for us."

Elly the Hypocrite, indeed. She wouldn't have flinched at denying Mira the chance to see her daughter married in white, but she acts like Liz admitted to running a drug ring out of her parents' garage when she's denied the chance to see her daughter married in white. I felt sorry for Mike and Dee (mostly Dee) that they'd had to keep eloping a secret and go through the church wedding just to keep her mother happy.

"That's it!" I yelled suddenly and jumped to my feet, roughly shoving my chair back as I stood. "Oh, this is perfect!"

Kyle, startled, stood quickly and looked at me with a wary confusion.

"Glad to hear it," he said. "What are you talking about?"

Grinning, I laughed and clapped my hands together.

"How to have our cake and eat it, too!" In three strides I was over to him, grabbing his face and kissing him deeply, pulling back a moment later to tell him what my fabulous idea was.

"I'd love to say I thought this all up by myself but I got the idea from what some distant relatives did several years ago when they got hitched. They didn't want to wait, either, but her mom would've had a major fit if she didn't get married in white so my relatives eloped and kept it on the down low, only telling his parents, and had a church wedding several months later to keep her mom happy. We can do the same thing—only without the anal parental units. My parents won't throw a fit—much, at least to my face—if I elope but I know they'd like to see me married in a church and—"

Kyle put a finger over my lips.

"Slow down. You're not an auction caller."

"Sorry." I repeated what I'd said, making sure to speak slower. "What do you think?"

"I think it's a fabulous idea and you're a genius for coming up with it." He gave me a quick kiss.

"Just remembered some family gossip. A bunch of people on my mom's side have eloped. Must be something genetic. One of her cousins eloped in Vegas a few years ago. There was a webcam filming the whole thing so people could watch if they wanted to. Hey, why don't we do that? Go to Vegas, I mean. Elope with style—or lack thereof." I grinned. "Elvis could marry us. Can't pass that up that opportunity." I doubted he would. Kyle was the biggest Elvis fan I'd ever met, which was why I'd brought it up. Tacky, cheesy, over-the-top—and absolutely perfect.

If things worked out the way we wanted and news of our eloping didn't leak out, there was no worry about Elly saying I was copying her daughter and I'd be having the church wedding Liz had cheated Elly out of. There'd be sour grapes over that, but it wouldn't be the first time Elly had pouted and stamped her feet, as it were, because she was jealous, envious, and covetous. I hoped the next time Elly got on her holier-than-thou pedestal and tried to pass herself off as some kind of saint whose shit didn't stink, I'd remember enough of her transgressions to pop holes in her ego and bring it down to size. She would, of course, accuse me of being the pot that called the kettle black. That's what a lot of people did when you called them on their crap, especially the self-righteous ones, and they sometimes quoted Bible verses like 'judge not lest ye be judged' and 'don't tell your neighbor he has a speck in his eye when you have a plank in yours'. Dealing with holier-than-thou blowhards was easy enough. Unlike them, I didn't try to pass myself off as a paragon of sinless virtue and I didn't act like I'd somehow earned my way to a higher level of holiness and righteousness and that God liked me better than other people because of what I gave to charity or how many orphans I was kind to.

Sometimes, pulling the rug out from under someone was enough to shut them up but Elly's opinion of herself was high enough that she'd still have enough of the steam of righteous indignation left in her to huff and puff excuses and justifications for being the way she was. Why people like that didn't just shut up right way, I had no idea. It wasn't like they were going to convert anyone to their way of thinking with bursts of hot air. I figured it was a self-defense thing and the huffing and puffing was to convince themselves again of their superiority and destroy any shreds of reality and the truth that might've penetrated.

Since what happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas (at least until the cops arrest you and it makes the evening news), the only ones we were going let in on our plans were Jill and her hubby, Mark, Bri, and Felicity. We wanted to keep things as quiet as possible because my cousin, Maria, was in 42nd Street and we didn't want anyone back home (i.e., Rochester) to find out. Jill and Bri were, we hoped, going to be our witnesses and not inviting Felicity and Mark struck me as rude.

"We have to ask Mark and Felicity to come, too," I told Kyle later when we were down at South Side Pier. "Bri and Jill won't have anywhere near as much fun without their better halves. Besides, Mark and Jill deserve some kind of 'thank you' for all they've done for you, especially Mark. He's made sure there's nothing fishy in a contract before you sign it for almost twenty years. No clauses saying you'll be paid peanuts—literally."

"What's Jill done that's so important?" he teased, moving behind me and putting his arms around me.

I pulled my arms free and put my hands over his.

"Jill deserves a purple heart because she's put up with you all these years and for keeping your website up and running."

"What about Felicity? Why should she come? What's she done that deserves rewarding?" He rested his chin on the top of my head.

"She puts up with Bri." I gave a short laugh. "Seriously, I don't want to start our marriage by alienating two good friends because Felicity had to stay here while Bri takes off for a weekend of fun in Vegas. Come to think of it, I don't think it would go over well with Mark and Jill, either. Yeah, definitely do not want to start married life by alienating four friends. So when do you want to tell them?" I glanced at my watch. "It's only about seven, so why not tonight? We can go shock Bri and Felicity and after we've made them an offer they can't refuse and secured their agreement by threatening to have second grade school pictures printed in Playbill, we can swing by Mark and Jill's. The munchkins should be in bed by then, and if they're not we can earn brownie points by helping to tie them down for the night." I tipped my head back so I was looking up at him. "Sound like a plan?"

"I want to get my brass knuckles and baseball bat from my apartment first. In case extra persuasion is needed."

I laughed. "I doubt that'll be necessary. I'm sure they'll be overjoyed we're not waiting, and that we might actually have children before we're both old and grey."

I hadn't been entirely joking about how thrilled our friends would be. Last August, Jill had confided to me during lunch at her apartment that she hoped Kyle would marry and have kids in the near future.

"It's getting harder for Mark and I to keep up with our three and our bodies aren't as forgiving anymore about all the bending and stretching and lifting and carrying," she'd told me. "I know Kyle's in better shape than either of us are and Mark's older than he is, but he'll start having to slow down at some point."

I'd nodded, understanding her concern. "You're preaching to the choir. I'd love to know why he hasn't been dating anyone. It's not like there's any shortage of women—more than a few of them married—who'd go out with him in a heartbeat. Women at church have tried to exploit my friendship with Kyle to get a date. The last one who tried that, I told her I wasn't his pimp, so unless it was me she wanted a date with me she was kissing up to the wrong person. For some reason, she didn't like that. I wonder why." I grinned.

"Eliminating the competition?" she teased.

"I'd have told her the same thing even if I was entirely happy being just friends with Kyle. I'm not a politician. My allegiance isn't for sale to the highest bidder, so I tell all of them the same thing I told that one chick, only I'm usually more polite about it."

"And he never went out with any of them," Jill remarked sardonically. "I'd wonder if he was gay if I didn't already know better."

"Join the club." I sighed and shrugged, turning to look out the window next to the table. "I don't know what his issue is, but I hope he snaps out of it soon. With me, preferably." I smiled smugly and Jill laughed.

I was suspected Bri and Felicity had had the same kind of discussion about me at some point. I'd have been surprised if they hadn't. Bri, as much as I loved him, seriously irritated me with his opinion that biology was destiny and it was important to make marriage a priority once you were out of college. I'd bought into that when I was younger, but with age and the continued paucity of decent guys who weren't taken and/or gay brought insight and wisdom and I saw Bri's views for the antiquated tripe they were. He didn't give me a hard time about the fact I was single (usually) and he was as uptight about men being single as women, and as long as things stayed that way I didn't see any reason to inflict grievous bodily harm upon him and end the friendship. I was pretty sure Felicity, who had a very different view of things than her husband, was the reason Bri kept his mouth shut.

You can tell how excited Jill is by how many glasses shatter and how many dogs start howling when she starts shrieking with joy. How long it takes your ear to stop ringing after she shrieks right next to it is another way. When Kyle told her we wanted her and Mark to be there when we eloped, it took about five minutes.

I hadn't been expecting her to suddenly lunge forward from the loveseat toward where I was sitting on the sofa, which was set at ninety degrees to the loveseat, and grab me in a tight hug, so by the time I realized what was going on, it was already too late.

"That is a fabulous idea!" she exclaimed. "Of course we'll come! Kyle, this had to have been your idea. How did you manage to convince Olivia to go along with it?"

Thankfully, she deafened me in my right ear and not my left, which I hear better with, so I was able to understand what people were saying.

"I didn't have to. Olivia's the one who thought of it." He put an arm around my shoulders and pulled me closer. "My attempts to convert her are working, I can tell."

I met Jill's eyes and smirked. "He's overly optimistic. The Elvis impersonator is for Mr. Number One Fan here, not that it won't be a complete hoot to tell people about later, and if we're going to elope, why not go the whole nine yards and do it with style—or, in this case, a total lack thereof." All four of us laughed.

"You're lucky," Mark said, sounding a bit wistful. "When I suggested something simple to Jill and our moms when we were planning the wedding, I thought they were going to all attack me at once."

"His idea of 'something simple' was to stay at church after the morning service and quickly exchange our vows with our parents as witnesses and then go to Red Lobster for a late lunch." Jill rolled her eyes.

"You foolish, foolish man," I chided Mark. "That would be a clear case of justifiable homicide and any jury would see that."

"Kyle, support me on this," Mark said. "Not wanting to spend months pricing flowers and caterers and DJs and reception halls does not mean I'm unromantic. Flowers die, a CD player's fine, and what's wrong with Red Lobster? They serve good seafood. It's not like I said I wanted to go to my favourite diner near the Battery."

"That definitely would've gotten you attacked, not that I don't agree with you. Friends have been telling me women start planning their wedding not long after they get out of diapers and the best way to avoid bloodshed is to leave the planning in her hands and just nod and say, 'I like it, too' whenever she asks what you think."

"That's what I ended up doing. Hey!" He looked at Jill, who'd just hit him over the head with a couch pillow, askance. "If I'd really had a problem with something, I'd have said so. I didn't like your idea to use a million of those really expensive purple lily-things and I said something, remember?"

"They were irises, dear." They'd obviously had this conversation more than once before.

"Whatever. I don't do fluffy, pretty stuff, so as long as you were happy and it wasn't going to drive us into bankruptcy, it was fine with me."

"You only had to deal with one wedding, Mark. Olivia wants to have a church wedding, too, so her family and friends can see all the fluffy, pretty stuff."

"You poor man." The sympathy in Mark's voice was genuine. "Two weddings, and you can't even go home to get away from the crazy women and their planning. Any time you need to escape, let me know and we'll go get a beer or something."

"Thanks. I'll be taking you up on that."

"Keep it up and you won't need to get away from it because you'll be living somewhere else," I threatened dryly, "like your dressing room. Jill, tell Mark to stop scaring Kyle with his outrageous stories. Beat him with that pillow." I turned slightly and looked up at Kyle. "I do not want a church wedding so everyone can see 'fluffy, pretty stuff'. I don't do fluffy and pretty—I abhor fluffy and pretty—and if you haven't figured that out yet, you haven't been paying attention. Huge, ornate, and ridiculously expensive weddings are an anathema to me, but I'm more than happy to become a Bridezilla and start planning one if you'd like."

"I don't know what a Bridezilla is but it doesn't sound good." Kyle looked rather uneasy and more than a bit wary.

I laughed and shook my head. "No, a Bridezilla is definitely not a good thing. Remember what I told you about Elisa's wedding? She was a total Bridezilla. She was nothing compared to some Bridezillas, though. I run a Livejournal community for people who've had the misfortune of dealing with one—a sort of support group—and some of the 'Zillas make Elisa look mellow and undemanding."

Kyle was silent for a moment. "I'll divorce you if you turn into a Bridezilla."

"Fear not, my love. I have too many friends with zero tolerance for that kind of thing and they'll beat me down—for my own good, of course—if I start to show any signs of becoming one. Jill will probably beat the rest of them to it, though."

"They'll have their chance to smack you around. It would be rude to keep the fun all to myself."

"You're too kind," I said dryly. "I'm sure Miss Manners would approve."

Later, when we went to tell Felicity and Bri, Felicity surprised us with, "The rabbit died" when she opened the apartment door and saw it was Kyle and me.

"What rabbit?" I asked as I handed her my coat to hang up. "I didn't know you had a rabbit. When did that happen?"

"Yes, when did we get a rabbit, honey?" Bri called from their bedroom. "And why didn't I know?"

"No, we don't have a rabbit." Felicity sighed and rolled her eyes slightly. "It's something Mamá and her friends said whenever someone was pregnant, that the rabbit had died. It had something to do with how they used to find out if a woman was pregnant. If she was, people would say that the rabbit had died."

"Congratulations! This is fabulous!" I exclaimed, grabbing Felicity in a tight hug. "When did you find out? How far along are you? Who else knows?" I dropped my arms and moved a few steps away before yelling, "Excited about being a dad, Bri? Ready to change diapers and have all your shirts smelling like baby barf? What?" I turned when I felt Felicity touch my shoulder.

"I'm not pregnant. That's not…" She looked a bit embarrassed.

"Oh. My bad. What, then?" Well, wasn't this awkward and confusing? I had a feeling the news Kyle and I were eloping would be anticlimactic in comparison to whatever was going on. Hopefully, the rabbits dying weren't literal ones. Pregnancy testing was way beyond the need for animal cruelty.

"I thought—isn't that—oh, I am so sorry." Felicity face was now visibly red underneath her milk chocolate coloring. "I thought that's what you came to tell us; that you're pregnant. The way you were standing; leaning against him—" her eyes flicked to Kyle "—and the way he had an arm around you—the look on your face—it was like the one my sister, Maritza, had when she told the family she was pregnant the first time." She buried her face in her hands. "I am so sorry. This is so embarrassing." She lowered her hands a moment later. "Is that why you're here?" she asked hopefully.

I shook my head gently, trying not to laugh.

"Nope, sorry. Can't help you get that foot out of your mouth. If it makes you feel any better, I'm in a good mood tonight so I'm not inclined to flog you with wet noodles. Can't speak for Kyle, though" I looked up at him. "What do you think? Shall we be lenient, or should I start preparing noodles for a public flogging?"

"Enough!" Bri declared as he came into the living area from the bedroom. "This is a flogging-free zone."

"She implied we've been living in sin, Brian," Kyle protested with mock indigence. "We've been insulted and I will not stand for it!"

"So go sit down." Bri idly waived in the direction of the futon as he walked over to the fridge and took out a jug. "Anyone want some cider while I have it out?"

"Count me in," I said. "I'll do what I can to try and talk Kyle out of seeking retribution."

"Don't kid yourself; it'll take more than talking," Bri quipped. "At least, it will if he's smart about it." He laughed when Felicity lightly smacked his arm.

"I hope so. I've always loved a challenge."

"You'll love being married, then," Felicity said with a touch a sarcasm. "Let's sit. The embarrassment won't be complete until you tell us why you're actually here."

"Hurry it up, Bri," I said as I plopped down on the futon next to Kyle. "Get over here with the cider so your lovely wife can learn what makes women smile other than being pregnant."

"So start talking. I'll be over in a sec."

"I want to wait until you're not holding the cups anymore and I don't want to wait any longer."

"Just for that, I'm going to take my time." He grinned when Kyle and Felicity laughed.

"And I'm not going to tell you. I'll just tell Felicity and swear her to secrecy." I stuck out my tongue at him. "So there!"

Bri shook his head sadly as he put the jug back in the fridge and picked up the two cups of cider.

"You're more impatient and demanding than usual," Bri teased when he handed me one of the cups. "Must be really big news."

"Your grasp of the obvious is mindstaggering," I said dryly, smirking slightly. "Moreso even than Legolas."

"It's a Lord of the Rings joke," Bri explained in response to the blank looks on Kyle and Felicity's faces. "From the movies. The character was a total Captain Obvious."

"He was blond, so are you really surprised?" I shrugged. "Of course, so are you. Not as blond as Legolas, but that's just details. If you want, I can use smaller words and speak slower."

"I'll be fine, but thanks for caring," Bri said sarcastically. "So what's the big news?"

"How'd you like a weekend in Vegas?"

"Your big news is you're going to Vegas and you want us to come?" Felicity looked incredibly non-plussed. "Thanks for the offer but we can't afford it."

"I was actually talking to Bri," I said, "but if you wanted to come, that wouldn't be a problem." I bit down on my tongue firmly to keep from laughing when annoyance and irritation quickly floated across her face. "We really only need him. No offense."

"You couldn't have called to ask and left Felicity out of it?" Bri was Upset, which was exactly what I'd wanted. As insensitive and clueless as he could be at times, he truly did care and was incredibly loyal to and protective of the people he loved, especially Felicity.

"Maybe we could've, but it just wouldn't be the same. I mean, if it was only going to Vegas for fun and kicks and giggles, yeah, you could do that over the phone, but…well, when you're going to Vegas to elope and you want to ask a friend to go with you to be a witness, you really want to do that face-to-face, know what I mean?" I relaxed against Kyle's side and took his hand, pulling his arm around me, waiting for the reaction. "Of course, I was totally not serious about leaving Felicity out and don't worry about the cost; all you'd have to pay for is some meals. We asked Jill and Mark and they're coming."

"Eloping?" Bri asked, sounding unsure he'd heard me right.

I nodded. "Yeah. I don't want to wait so I smacked Kyle around until he agreed to do what I wanted. Unless you agree to come with us I'll have to smack you around, too."

"Eloping."

"To Vegas. Yes." 'Maybe smaller words are a good idea,' I thought sardonically. Legolas, at least, understood you the first time.

"I knew that was it!" Felicity exclaimed. "The minute you mentioned Vegas, I knew it was because you were eloping! You weren't serious about only asking Brian, were you?"

"Of course not, girl! I was just messing with you. I'd never seriously do anything like that. I like being alive too much."

"You'd think I'd have learned by now." She gave me a look of slight disapproval, and then grinned as she stood and came over to the futon. "Congratulations! I'm happy for you both," she said, hugging me enthusiastically.

"It's about time," was Bri's comment. "I thought you'd go to a local JP and get hitched a week or two after you announced you were engaged. What took so long?"

"And I'm the one who rushes?" I asked archly when he gave me a hug. "So are you coming willingly or will we have to drug you two and drag your bodies onto the plane?"

"You said airfare and the hotel are covered, right?"

"More or less," Kyle said. "To save money, we're hiring a flock of geese and tying ourselves to them and you guys will be sleeping in a cardboard box by the dumpster. I'm told it stays warm there at night, the rats usually leave you alone, and you can find lots of good stuff in the dumpster for breakfast. Hope you don't mind."

"Oh boy, I love roughing it!" Bri declared brightly, clapping his hands together. "This will be fun!"

"You go and have your fun, then," Felicity said wryly "Call me a snob, but I have a thing about sleeping in a bed and not fighting vermin before my morning coffee."

"Snob." I smiled sanguinely. "You can sleep on the bathroom floor, then, if you're going to be so picky."

"You're too kind—and completely full of it, so what are you Iactually/I planning?"

"Don't know yet," Kyle said. "The soonest any of us—except Mark, who's not union—can get off is in a month, so we're aiming for that, but we'll let you know for sure once we decide on a hotel and find out how booked they are."

Fabulously exciting and wonderful news deserving a celebration, Felicity pulled out the margarita supplies and the margarita recipe her mamá had given her that had been in her family for years and made the best margaritas ever, bar none. Felicity's mamá was Dominican, so I wasn't sure how long the recipe had been in the family but however contrived that was, the margaritas were totally fabulous and stopping while you could still walk straight was incredibly difficult.

"Too many of these and maybe the rabbit will end up dying," I said after my second margarita. "Come clean, Felicity. That's why you made these, to loosen me and Kyle up and muddle our brains in hopes of redeeming yourself and being right sooner rather than later." I laughed and set my glass down on the coffee table. "It's not going to happen, woman. I'm on to you!"

"You're a lightweight," Kyle chided, pulling me back against him and kissing me. "It'll take more than—how many have you had, two?" I nodded. "Two margaritas to 'loosen me' up enough to put Felicity's rabbit at risk. You've lost your edge since Toronto. How many Mudslides did you have that night, and you were still pretty steady walking out of the club."

"Too many, but there's more booze in one of these than a Mudslide so it doesn't take as many of these. I swore I would never get that drunk again and I never have. One vicious hangover was enough, thank you VERY much. Learning took place. Never. Again." I winced at the memory of Anna's kitten thundering across the living area rug the morning after. I'd never understood why people would think suffering like that was an experience worth repeating on a regular basis. More proof the human race was inherently whacked.

I'm not sure which was harder: keeping mum about our plans or not going nuts having to wait to put our plans into motion. Kyle and I had debated giving Bri and Jill two days notice and calling in sick from the airport before our flight left, but quickly decided against it for reasons of job security. That meant staying on the good side of Equity and IATSE and putting in for time off a month in advance, so the end of March was the earliest we could elope. Unfortunately, when we started looking into hotels from Laurie's and my place a few days later, we discovered that was at the beginning of Spring Break season and thousands of college kids with a dearth of good sense, Mommy and Daddy's credit cards, and delusions of beating the odds were booking rooms for a mass invasion of Vegas.

"Another excellent reason not to leave our room all weekend," I said dryly, leaning on the kitchenette's small counter when Kyle, after talking to someone in Vegas, told me college kids had the Mirage's suites booked up through the end of April. "Hordes of co-eds—drunken co-eds—everywhere, along with all the other nutters swarming around Vegas. Like Michigan State after a home football game, only a thousand times worse."

"You've overreacting, dear. Unlike Michigan State, the businesses in Vegas aren't going to put up with obnoxious teens and more than they tolerate obnoxious adults. If, for some reason, we do actually have to go outside and some drunks are being a pain, all we'll need to do is make sure shoving them into oncoming traffic looks like an accident."

"Brilliant!" Laughing, I went into the living area and flopped back onto the sofa. I loved the feel of the blue velour cover Laurie had found to hide the retina-scarring baby puke yellow upholstery. "I knew there was a reason I loved you. You're sick and twisted."

"There's only one? I'm insulted." He regarded me sadly from the recliner near the stereo.

"Of course not." I paused, then said, "At least, I don't think there's only one reason." Pause. "Let me think about it and I'll get back to you." I put my hands behind my head so it was easier to look at him.

"Don't worry. After that weekend in Vegas, you'll be able to think of plenty."

"You are so full of yourself, you know that?" I rolled my eyes and shook my head sadly as he laughed. "You're not exactly the young, handsome stud you used to be."

"Like wine and cheese, I improve with age."

"Cheese gets moldier with age and wine bottles collect dust. Don't know about you, but moldier and dustier isn't my idea of improving with age."

He stood and walked over to the sofa. Suddenly nervous, I sat up and scooched down to the end farthest from him.

"Don't take it out on me if you don't like the truth. What are you doing?" I eyed him warily as he sat down a foot or so away, a familiar look in his eye. The last time he'd looked at me that way, I'd had to wash Jell-O out of my hair. "Kyle, get away from me and tell me what heinousness you're planning to unleash upon me. Will I end up covered in food again. Why are you taking my glasses? Trying to make sure I can't see what you're about to do?"

He laughed softly and set my glasses down somewhere in the shiny brown blur that was the top of the coffee table. "I am not moldy or dusty and you Iwill/I regret saying that."

"I never said you were, only that I don't think those things are part of getting better with age. Kyle, stop!" I gave a short shriek when he suddenly moved right next to me and moved up onto the sofa arm to get away but he pulled me back down next to him.

Laurie gave a shout of surprise when, on her way to the kitchenette, she saw what Kyle was doing to—or, more accurately, with—me.

"You couldn't do that in your room?" she griped as she measured coffee into a filter. "If my phone were closer, I'd take a picture to show everyone who thinks you two are prudes."

"He started it," I protested lamely, face flaming. "He thought I was saying he was old and dusty and felt the need to prove he wasn't, so yell at him. Besides, it's not like any clothes came off or anything. I've found clothing trails to your room the morning after you've come in with a guy, so you're not one to talk." He was so going to suffer for this later.

"Shirts and my bra are not the same as softcore on the sofa, Olivia. I don't try to eat a guy's face off until Iafter/I we're in my room and the door's shut."

"A little volume control would be nice," I shot back. "I should make you pay me back for the earplugs I've had to buy. Like I said, you're not one to talk and—" my face grew hotter "—I was not trying to eat his face off. Snogging isn't softcore, either."

Laurie turned slightly at the waist, a huge smirk on her face.

"This was. Not that I think it's a bad thing. From the way you talk, sometimes it seems like you wear a chastity belt and I was afraid I'd have to tie you to the sofa and make you watch a porno so you'd at least know the basics before you got married, especially considering…" She nodded toward Kyle.

"Girl, if I was that frigid and uptight, do you really think I wouldn't have thrown a fit by now about your boyfriends being here Saturday and Sunday mornings? The only time I've banged on your door and woken you up was when that Hispanic guy with the big tat on his butt was walking around nude gave me a full frontal and said, 'What, you don't like what you see?' when I asked him to go put something on."

"What did you say?" Laurie asked, laughter in her voice. "When got up to talk to him, he was really mad, ranting in Spanish, calling you a bitch and a whore and saying you'd called his dick tiny and you'd said you'd cut it off if he didn't get dressed and that he'd never come here again as long as you were here."

"So I'm not the only man you've threatened," Kyle said, chin resting on top of my head. "I feel better now."

"You weren't the first man I 'threatened'—" I made quote marks in the air with my fingers "—if you consider mentioning when I castrated a piglet in school I thought it was easy to be a threat—and you definitely weren't the last, but Laurie's guy wasn't one of them. I'd just gotten up, so I was still sleepy, and seeing him starkers threw me for a loop, so when he asked me if I liked what I saw, I studied his package for a moment, shrugged, said something like, 'Takes more than that to impress me', and turned and headed towards your room to tell you to come and make your boyfriend get dressed. By the time I was awake enough to realize he didn't know my background, he was gone, so I couldn't explain I'd worked with animals for years and not to take it personally. As humans go, he was well-hung enough, I suppose, but…well, after you've been around elephants and learned about whales, human men aren't exactly anything special."

It took Laurie a minute or two to stop laughing enough to speak. Behind me, Kyle had leaned back against the sofa and was laughing so hard he'd had to cough a few times.

"Oh. My. God. That is one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time. No wonder he was livid." She wiped a few tears away from her eyes. "That's fabulous. Takes more than that to impress you. Sounds like you have your work cut out for you, Kyle. Good luck. Remember, it's not the size of the boat; it's the motion in the ocean."

I felt my face flame red again and Kyle chuckled as pulled me back against him.

"I'm not worried. I have more than a few advantages over elephants and whales."

"As if being the same species isn't enough?" I said dryly. "God told us not to bugger other creatures and there is plenty good reason for that. Other guys, though…" I let the thought trail off. "It's Dan and Steve, not Dumbo and Shamu, you should worry about."

"I'll break a sweat the day I hear you're planning to marry one of them and haven't told me yet."

The next night, I'd hardly finished saying, "What's up?" to Dar when we met up for a post-performance coffee before she said, "You're hiding something."

"What makes you think that?" I took a drink from my mug, hoping I didn't look as nervous as I felt.

"You were smiling like you'd just won the lottery when you came in, and the only other times you've been like that is when you two started going out and when Kyle finally got his head out of his ass and proposed. So, what's going on? Let me see your left hand. Damn. I was hoping the smile meant you two got hitched. Have you two finally set a date?"

'Praise the Lord and pass the peanuts,' I thought, 'something that won't involve evasion and creative honesty.' Out loud, I said, "Hell has, indeed, frozen over. Hopefully, it'll be in September. We don't want to wait that long but with summer being wedding season there's no way we'd be able to get a church and a reception site before then and even if we could, it'll be cheaper in the fall." I shrugged. "C'est la vie. I'm calling my church back home tomorrow to see what weekends they have open and once I find out we'll set a specific date then."

"Six months. So much for a short engagement."

"My thoughts exactly," I said ruefully. "We don't want anything big or fancy, so we should have enough time to plan."

"Do you know who you want as your bridesmaids?" I knew she was hoping I'd ask her.

"Not quite yet. I'm still deciding. All I know is that Bri's going to be…whatever you call a male Maid of Honor."

"One lucky man." Dar smirked. "One man, all those women…it's a guy's dream come true."

"You're assuming I'm going to have lots of bridesmaids. I told you, I don't want anything big. I may only have Bri and one or two bridesmaids." I shrugged and took another drink from my mug.

"What's Kyle think?"

"We haven't talked about that yet, but I don't think he'll be surprised or really even care. I've never made any secret of the fact I want Bri as my Maid of Honor when I got married. I might suggest he ask his friend, Jill, to be Best Man—or Best Woman, in her case."

"Traditionalists will have a heart attack, and isn't there something in the Bible about how you'll burn in hell if there are male bridesmaids?"

I resisted the urge to laugh. "Not unless I missed the memo about Miss Manners as God's mouthpiece." I shrugged. "God does have something to say about male bridesmaids who look forward to wearing a fancy gown with matching pumps, though. Modeling yourself after Eddie Izzard is rather frowned upon."

Dar nodded. "Understandable. Eddie is too much of a chav. Imagine what letting someone like him into Heaven would do to the property values. I can almost hear the yuppie angels muttering, 'There goes the neighborhood' while they sip martinis at Heaven's country club and make plans to protest the gay bar opening just down the street."

I wadded up my napkin and threw it at her, hitting her in the forehead.

"Keep it up and I'll ban you from the wedding," I said darkly.

Dar laughed and threw the wadded-up napkin back at me. I stuck my tongue out at her as I caught it and dropped it into my empty mug.

Summer 2009

Aunt Harriet was waiting by my mom's car, which I was using while I was in town, bag in hand.

"You really don't have to take us all to dinner, Kyle," Aunt Harriet said.

"I insist. I'll be very insulted and hurt if you don't let me." He set me down on my feet and put an arm around me. "I want to get to know everyone better and what better way than lots of good food?"

"You're not Italian by chance, are you?" Aunt Harriet laughed when Kyle said he wasn't. "My husband will love you. He's Italian, so…"

"He can come, too, if you want to call him."

"Thank you, but he and the men we left home went off on a men's weekend. I don't know what they have planned and I don't think I want to."

"Jim's coming," I offered. "Sarah called him and he's meeting us there."

"You two will like each other." Aunt Harriet gave us a warm smile and handed me the large red gift bag full of my things. "Enough talk. Let's go eat!"

In the car, Kyle began going through the bag as soon as he sat down in the passenger seat.

"Please tell me this was a joke." When I glanced over, I saw him holding the granny gown.

"I'd love to, but I'd be lying. That is Elly Patterson's idea of what you bring to a shower where the guests were asked to bring things to help us with starting a family, the more fun, the better."

"She's Avril's mom?"

"It's April, and yes. Also Liz, the one who was sobbing in the hall about how I insulted her husband and then decided to oogle mine." I smiled stiffly and threw the left turn signal as we pulled up to an intersection. "In case you hadn't already figured it out, April is the only one we can stand. The other two get invites because it's easier than dealing with Elly if they're left out."

"So they'll be at the wedding in September?"

I grimaced. "Unfortunately. I'd be surprised if they didn't come, but it's only for the service and we'll only have to deal with them in the receiving line. They didn't get any information or RSVP card for the reception dinner. Elly hasn't howled in protest yet, but there are still two months. Chances are she took for granted being invited to the reception and the howling will start after she calls Mom to find out why we aren't having a reception. When my mom tells her that information was sent only to those who were invited, Elly will be so completely gobsmacked all she'll be able to do is sputter a few words before making her excuses and getting off the phone. She'll carry on for a while to whoever will listen—which, to her, is everyone and she'll follow you if you try to get away—and when she talks to Liz and Dee, Elly's daughter-in-law, and finds out they didn't get reception invites, either, she'll start fuming, furious we've dared to not invite the Pattersons to our reception. She's…Elly's an Entitlement Boob, to be polite. She and her clan insist on showing up each July for some kind of family reunion, whether we want them to or not, and act like it's a huge deal they came—they act like martyrs, basically, and Elly and her spawn think the yearly visit entitle them to wedding receptions and every family event where food is served. Each time they come, it's another huge sacrifice because what are they supposed to do, not come when we clearly want them to? Nevah!" When the light turned green, I accelerated into the turn a little too fast and had to do some quick maneuvering to keep from scraping the curb with my hubcaps.

"Sorry," I said sheepishly. "My parents' house is always the invasion site of choice so…yeah. Anyway, she feels entitled to invites and if she doesn't get one she'll go off like someone said her parents are white trash and she's the town's biggest whore. Make sure to remind me to warn Laurie about Elly. I know she'll try to get my number, and I wouldn't put it past her to dig for ours—well, yours, technically—too."

"I'll trade phones with Marge or Devin until after the wedding and tell them to have fun with any Canadian lady who calls. She'll have a time of it, though, since it's not listed."

"Their idea of 'fun' almost makes me feel bad for Elly. Almost, but not quite. If you have a guard dog and someone breaks into your house, it's their fault if the dog gnaws their leg off." I smirked. "On second though, I sincerely hope Elly finds the number and gets worked over. But enough about that. The nightgown was Elly's idea of an appropriate gift, sadly enough."

"She does know how babies are made, right?" Kyle was clearly skeptical.

"She has three kids, so I'd assume so."

"And she got pregnant the old fashioned way."

"As far as I know." I bit my lip to keep from laughing at his growing disbelief and revulsion.

"Is her husband an alcoholic? No disrespect to him, but he must've had to get really loaded to have sex with a woman wearing something like this."

"Or maybe—no, not going to go there. What they do is their business. All I know is they have three kids and other than the high frump value of the nightgown, I like it. The fabric's soft and the pattern is actually nice."

There was a long moment of silence, then, "Olivia, I love you very much, but if you wear this to bed, it better be cold enough to make a snowman complain because I am not going to sleep in the same bed as a woman dressed like my grandmother unless there is a very good reason."

I burst out laughing. It was just a nightgown. Granted, it had all the sex appeal of a shopping bag but the way he sounded, you'd think it was made of poison ivy and came with a matching chastity belt.

"Relax, dear. I'm going to alter it. No need to worry about sleeping in the same bed with a woman dressed like your grandmother."

"Did you get anything else like this?"

I reached over and patted his arm without taking my eyes from the road.

"No, thank God."

"Good." He sounded as if I'd just told him the world wasn't about to run out of oxygen after all, tossing the nightgown onto the back seat and eagerly reached back into the bag, pulling open the thin garment box he'd grabbed like a little boy opening gifts on Christmas. "This is more like it!" He held up a pair of crotchless panties, clearly delighted.

"Could you not hold those up where anyone who looks over can see? Thanks. Don't want the other drivers who might look over to think something interesting and better pursued when the car is parked is going on."

"If they're jealous, that's their problem," Kyle said sardonically but dropped the panties back into the box and took out a sheer chocolate brown camisole. "Very nice."

"There's more where that came from. I'm sure everyone would get a kick out of hearing how much you like everything and can't wait to put it to good use."

"I'll do that."

By the time we'd reached the Dino and parked the car, Kyle was making comments about going to a McDonald's drive-thru instead.

"I'm sure they'd understand," he reasoned while we waited for a lull in traffic to cross St. Paul Blvd.

"They don't know we're already married, love, so they'd think we were getting an early start on things and I don't want them getting the wrong idea. Not that I don't like the idea of drive-thru. Quite the opposite. Look at it this way: the longer you wait, the better it'll be when you finally get it." I stretched up and kissed him. "You're going—"

"Olivia!" The shrill nasal voice assaulted my ears, making me groan as I buried my face in Kyle's shirt. "Olivia, wait a moment!"

"I thought she was going home," Kyle said in a low voice.

"So did I," I said, resigned to the fact a fun night was ruined before it even began. "I should've known that was too good to be true." Leaning sideways a bit, I looked to see how close Elly was, grabbing Kyle's shirt and gripping it tightly when I saw Liz was with her. "Everyone but April is banned from the wedding and if they show up I'll take great pleasure in personally dragging each and everyone of the Pattersons out of the church by their hair. What part of 'Liz is not invited' did she not understand? This is ridiculous. If she thinks—and here they are. Smile and make sure I don't kill anyone."