Chapter Eleven

I Can't Lose You Again

Ava

"What if she hates me?"

Dean laughed and kissed the corner of my mouth. "She won't."

"How do you know?"

"Because she's my mom." He laughed again. "I know. You ready?"

I looked out the window of the Impala. She opted to come to the bunker to see us so we wouldn't have to travel out to see her. She had a room there, after all. The kids were setting up the dinner. Sam and Eleanor were going to cook. I couldn't wait to see what they'd come up with. "Give me a second."

"Hey." He whispered, tapping my chin so I would look at him.

"Hey back." I whispered, like a habit.

"Wanna have sex in the front seat?"

I laughed and gently smacked his arm. "Dean come on."

"You come on." He kissed my neck, nibbling my collar bone.

I pulled his face to mine and kissed him deeply before pulling back. "Our kid is waiting for us in there."

"I know." He ran his thumb across my jaw.

"This is weird, isn't it?"

"Which part?" He grinned.

"All of it." I laughed lightly. "Do you think Nel's school mates will think you're a cradle robber?"

"Hopefully."

"You're such a child." I rolled my eyes. "She's so grown up. You did a great job with her."

"Wasn't easy." He admitted. "But she's a great kid."

"I can tell that." I peeled my eyes from his and looked down at my hands. "What about Claire? Does she want to go to college? Settle down?"

"I don't really see that happening."

I met his eyes again. "Dean, I don't want this life for her. I've lost you so many times." My eyes stung. "And you've lost me. She deserves something normal. Something stable. She shouldn't be with a hunter."

"They're in love."

"I know what that's like." I said quietly. "I'm not a monster. I fell in love with a hunter, after all."

"You wish you hadn't?"

"I wouldn't change you for anything, Dean Winchester. You have to know that, but don't you want more for her? The apple pie life?"

"Of course I do, but she's a Winchester."

"And you have her in a private school. She's smart! She has so much potential. She could be anything, but if they stay together... she's just going to have to watch Claire go. Over and over again. Almost die, or even die. I don't want her to have to feel that pain."

"We can't stop her."

"I know."

"I don't want to stop her." He admitted, pressing his lips together in a tight line. "You haven't seen them together." He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to my forehead, soft and safe. "They remind me of us."

"I can't lose my daughter, Dean."

"You won't."

"I can't lose you again. I don't... I don't like this life. I don't want to fight the devil anymore. Monsters. When do you get to rest? Why does it always have to be you? I can't lose you again, do you hear me?"

"Ave, you won't lose me. I promise." He held my face and kissed me like he meant it..

I didn't know how many times in our marriage that Dean lied to me, so as far as I was concerned that was the first. The biggest. He knowingly told me that I wouldn't lose him, when he was planning to vault himself up in the fucking ocean.

"Let's go inside."

Nothing would've prepared me for how young Mary would look. God, she couldn't be any older than Dean was. He wasn't lying when he said she was plucked straight from Heaven. I wondered if that was where I was. "Mary." I said with a smile.

"Ava." I could see her watching me. She was protective. "It's great to meet you." She finally melted and pulled me into a hug. "Sorry." She whispered. "I'm not very good at this."

"It's okay." I assured her with a tight smile. "Just be yourself."

"In front of the famous Ava Winchester? The girl who tamed my oldest? How could I?"

I smiled at that and turned to Dean. "You told her about me?"

"Of course I did."

"If Eleanor is any indication of who you are, then you must be incredible." Mary said with a smile. "That girl is really incredible."

"She is."

Dean

The dinner went surprisingly well. Nel didn't burn the lasagna and Sam kept kale out of the salad. We all did a cheers with our beer. I tried my damndest not to feel Ave up under the table, and I was successful for most of the dinner.

Claire decided to give us some space and took a trip up to visit Jody and Alex. I wondered whose idea it was really.

"So, Ava." Cas said, offering a smile. "How are you adjusting?"

"Good, mostly." She said, meeting his eyes. "It's all still a little...weird."

"Tell me about it." Mom said. "If you need anything, let me know. I've been there."

"Was it hard for you?"

"That's an understatement." I laughed, eyeing mom. Sam shot me a look and I rolled my eyes.

"We made you something, Ava." Jack said standing up.

"Oh you did?" I asked, raising an eyebrow.

"You guys didn't have to." Ava said, her cheeks heating up. Fuck she is so cute.

"I'll get it, Jackie." Eleanor said, going back to the kitchen. She pulled out a chocolate cake with the words Welcome Home Mom written on them. She sat it on the table. "It's a little wonky, but we made it."

Ava stood up and walked to the cake. "El, it looks amazing! I can't believe you two made this for me!" She looked genuinely happy, her lips curling up into a smile. She opened her arms for Nel and Jack to curl into a hug. Both kids smiled ear to ear.

This was what my life was supposed to be like. Birthdays. Anniversary's. We were supposed to be happy. Sam laughed. "Let me grab the cake knife."

"We have a cake knife?" I asked.

"Of course, Dean. We need the correct utensil in order to keep the cake together. It may fall apart if you use the wrong one." Cas said, as if he was some cooking genius.

They cut the cake, and Ava took a scoop of icing and stuck it to Eleanor's nose. Both girls laughed, and if Sam hadn't gotten between them they would've had an all out food war. How was I supposed to let all of this go? How was I supposed to go into the middle of the ocean now that she was back? I didn't have the answers, and it didn't really matter. There was no choice.

I went to do the dishes and Mom met me. "So..."

"So what?" I asked her, handing her a dish to dry.

"She's very pretty, Dean."

"She is."

"It's pretty obvious that she loves you."

"And I love her." I glanced at her. "What are you getting at?"

"You haven't told her about the coffin."

I groaned and threw the dishes back in the sink. "Can you not start? I'm already getting it from all angles. I really don't need the extra heat."

"She's your wife, Dean."

"I know that. You don't think I know that? This wasn't a part of the plan." I hissed.

"Hey, does anyone want any more cake? I think Nel is gonna be sick if she has anymore." Ava laughed, coming into the kitchen.

"Nah, Sweetheart, I think we're good." I opened my arms to her and she walked right into them. She snaked an arm around my waist.

"Hey, I was going to ask. Where's John? I figured he'd be joining us."

Mom straightened up a bit and clasped her hands.

"Ave... Sorry I didn't know how to tell you."

"Fuck." She covered her mouth. "When?"

"A few years ago." I sighed. "Werewolf case. They got the jump on him."

"I'm so sorry."

"Don't be." Mom said, weakly. "We all have our time in this world. Some of us get a few times. We just have to take what we get and not live with regrets." She turned directly to me. "So you should be with the person you love as long as you can. You never know when they'll be taken from you." She forced a smile. "I'm tired. I think I'll go to bed."

I let Ava go so I could hug Mom. "Night."

"Tell her." She whispered against my ear, just low enough for me to hear.

Ava

We fluffed the pillows on the bed, adjusting it for sleep. The silence was so thick I could've reached out and touched it. "Dean?"

"Mhm?"

I turned to him, holding my pillow against my chest. "When were you going to tell me?"

"Tell you what?" He asked, his voice strained. He already knew.

"About Micheal."

He sighed, resting his palms on the bed, his head hanging low. "Who told you?"

"Eleanor. She's terrified."

"Ratted out by my own kid."

"She shouldn't have to keep your secrets, Dean. Especially not from me." I hugged the pillow tighter. "You shouldn't keep anything from me."

"I knew you'd want to talk me out of it."

"Of course I do! What the fuck are you thinking?"

"I'm thinking that the world can't have an A Bomb dropped on it, Ave."

"That's always the answer, isn't it?"

He sighed and sat down. He put his face in his hands. "You know I don't want to do this."

I walked around the bed and sat next to him. "But you're still going to do it, aren't you?"

He was silent. That was enough of an answer for me.

"I can't believe you... actually.. I can. You haven't changed at all." I gripped the sheets in my hands, trying not to explode. "So you're going to leave me, and your daughter."

"I have to."

"You don't! You'll find a way... we will! We always do. It's our charm."

"Sweetheart, you've been gone a long time. We have played all the cards we have. There's no more left."

"Stop calling me fucking Sweetheart! I refuse to be complacent just because I love you." I snapped. I squatted in front of him with my hands on his knees.

He stroked my cheek, smiling sadly at me. His eyes looked so green, I could drown in them. They were like the grass right after it rained. "We keep taking turns... it's my turn to go this time."

"You're fucking crazy if you think I'm saying goodbye to you again." My voice was strained. "Dean Winchester, I will not say goodbye to you again. So if you go in that coffin I hope you're prepared for me to climb in with you."

Dean sighed and pressed his lips to my forehead. "Ave, you can't. Nellie needs you. You're so much stronger than I am. She needs her mom. She's always needed her mom."

"I won't accept this."

"Well, you will be two peas in a pod, because she said she won't either."

"I just got you back." I didn't want to cry. I was a grown ass adult. I should be able to understand, but it didn't mean I had to like it. "We are together. We can finally have our life... I've missed so much." I didn't want to cry, but I didn't have a choice. My eyes spilled over and Dean pulled me into his arms, on his lap.

"I know, baby." He whispered into my hair. "It isn't fair. But not much about my life is fair. I'm just happy I get this. No matter for how long."

"So how long do I have?"

"I don't know." He admitted.

"I didn't sign up for this, Dean."

"Yes you did. You're just angry that you did. You knew who I was when you married me."

"I was full of pregnancy hormones."

"You love me."

"I'm in love with you, Dean. There was no question about if I loved you." A tear rolled down my cheek. "I can't let you do this."

"Try to stop me." He said, seriously. "You won't get far."

Ella

"Dad?"

He looked up at me from his cup of coffee with a weak smile. "Hey, kiddo."

"I heard you guys fighting." I said, sitting down next to him, pouring myself a cup of coffee.

"I'm sorry, Nel. We didn't want you to hear that."

"It's fine." I smiled and touched his arm. "I feel like it's what having two parents is really like."

He snorted and took another sip of coffee. "You're probably right. Still want you to have the illusion that things are good. That's my job as your dad." He reached forward and touched my nose.

"We were never like that, Dad." I took a sip of my own black coffee, and I made a face. He slid me the creamer. "You know, I used to watch Gilmore Girls when I was younger, and I thought about what having a mom would be like."

"That's the one with the kid that looks like Sam, right?"

I laughed lightly. "Yeah, that's the one. But anyway, I thought about what it'd be like to have a mom... but here's the thing... I never missed out on anything having just you. You painted my toenails, Dad. You braided my hair, and listened to me talk about my first kiss. I never missed out."

"Thanks, kid, but I'm not sure where you're going with this."

"Where I'm going... Dad, listen. I know you think that me having her here is going to fix everything. I thought that, too, but I won't let you use her as an excuse to go into that coffin." I took his hand in mine. "She can't replace you. No one can."

"Eleanor." Dad our His finger under my chin. "I don't want you to worry. I love you."

"I know you do. That's the problem."

"How could that ever be a problem?"

"You spend so much time loving us that you forget to love yourself."

"Wise beyond your years, kid." His fingers left my face and he stared down at his muddled reflection in his coffee. "But it doesn't matter. Because I do love you. I love you, Sam, Cas, Jack, Claire, and fuck I love your mom so much more than myself... so I have to do this. I can't let Micheal out of my head. I can't let him hurt the people I love."

I reached forward and touched his temple. "Maybe I can hurt him."

"No. No way."

"I pulled you out.. maybe I can lock him in."

"I won't let you get anywhere near him, Eleanor." He went to push my hand away, but I swung my other hand up to touch his other temple and despite his resistance, I was in.

"Sorry, Dad." I murmured. "But it isn't up to you."