Hey guys, so ive been told I really, really need a beta. I'm sure none of you are surprised…this one is not beta'd but if anyone wants to be my beta I would love them forever! No joke! Anyway, I hope you like this chapter, sorry it took so long to get to you. Also, please check out my newest story; moths to a flame. I'm really excited about it, the first chapter is about 3000 words long! Thank you to anyone who reviewed and PLEASE keep it up! Lots of love.

Time marched on and nothing much changed. Draco was happy to serve and obey, although he did get a little better. Harry grew more devoted to him, although not necessarily more competent in caring for him. December came, and with it Draco's birthday.

Harry took him to Paris for the weekend, they enjoyed the best hotels, the best food, the best theatre, the best anything and everything. Draco obviously had been there before, but he couldn't really remember anything before he came to Harry, so everything was new and exciting. Snow and ice decorated the city; it glittered like the stars themselves had descended on the house tops. It was the time of Harry's life, his first jaunt ever out of Brittan. But to Draco it seemed oddly familiar, like a ghost of something else.

It was December the 10th, and Draco was seated with Severus, happily chirping away about how honoured he was to belong to his master.

"the thing is…I don't really understand something." Draco admitted, feeling a bit stupid that he had to ask. He was okay with asking questions now, but it now made him feel like he was being really slow, like he was the only one to not understand. "What's that?" Severus asked, he was chronically tired of hearing how perfect Potter was… but he would be there for Draco, no matter what.

"it's master, he keeps asking if I'm happy or if I'm enjoying myself, stuff like that." Draco said, as if these concepts were utterly foreign to him. "I guess just… I wonder why he cares? He never used too."

Severus sighed deeply; he didn't envy Potter the job of putting his godson back together again… "Oh Draco, he… he's changed. And he wants the best for you. He thinks you deserve to be happy." Severus tried to explain. It really was like talking to a child sometimes, all the assumptions most people made, Draco just didn't. He had to have all these things explained to him, like why you had to be nice to people you didn't like, or why white lies were okay sometimes…

"but why? Master never used to care about that. And he keeps saying I deserve the best of everything. Why? Why do I just automatically deserve to be happy, surly I should have to work for it? Or is the right to happiness universal?" Draco drew his legs up and hugged his knees, looking at Severus like he had all the answers.

"well, you have worked for it. I know…" Severus took a deep breath; he really didn't want to say this. The words felt dirty coming from his mouth. " I know you've been a good pet to him."

"So…. Happiness is my reward? Master's punishments were like…a test?"

"no." Severus said sternly. He did not want Draco to think that what had happened was a perquisite to his happiness. That would make it necessary, that would make it okay…

"why? It's not like I've saved the world or anything. I haven't done good deeds, I don't even really care about anyone apart from you and master. Maybe I care about mother sometimes…. Master though, he's save the world, he deserves to be happy." Severus rubbed the bridge of his nose and sighed. He had no idea how to answer these questions. He put his cup of tea down on the coffee table in front of them and turned to face Draco head on. He was about to say something when-

" you deserve to be happy." Draco continued. "are you?" Severus opened his mouth, but no sound came out. Draco's innocent manner allowed him to blurt out these things, allowed him to ask the questions that needed to be asked, when everyone else just shied away, too politically correct to say anything at all.

"I…" Severus gulped, he had never been asked directly before, people just assumed he wasn't. "no." he said finally, deciding he should respect Draco enough to be honest. "No I'm not."

"you've done better things than me, more important things. You're so much smarter, you educate people, you make potions that help people when they are sick, and I know you played a huge role in the war, even if I cant remember. I know I'm not any of those things. Surly the best thing I can do in life is to make someone like you or Master happy. That would be useful, that would be good." Severus sighed wishing he could explain, wishing he knew himself. He looked out the wide window as snow softly fell.

"I'm sorry, I think you've probably answered my question already, but I still dont understand. Why do I deserve to be happy? Because I don't understand why everyone suddenly cares."

"I've always cared." Severus decreed. "I always have Draco and I always will… but, Your master-" and again the words burned his mouth "he was prevented from caring by a curse. We've talked about it, remember? He wasn't exactly himself." Severus couldn't believe he was defending Potter, but he had to be honest with Draco, and it was the truth…

Draco looked at him blankly. "So he's always cared, he just didn't act like it until now?"

"yes… in a way…" Severus said, deciding it was a half-truth… But Draco just couldn't buy that, it would be kind of like having two masters. And that would just be creepy…

"or does he only care about my happiness because, when I'm happy I work better, and therefore my being happy makes him happy, and his desire for me to be happy is just his desire to be happy himself?"

Severus stared at him for a moment. In his opinion, yes Draco was perfectly correct; Potter's desire for Draco to get better was entirely self-serving, although he thought that Potter just wanted it because it would alleviate his guilt…But would it do any good to tell him that?

"He… it seems as if he cares for you. And so values your happiness."

Draco looked at him blankly and picked up his drink, a tall glass of something sweet smelling and yellow. "you mean the way I care about Pringles?" God that cat annoyed the hell out of Severus. It yallowed constantly, but Draco adored the thing…

"well…in a way." Severus admitted. He really wished he had the answers, but happiness, life philosophy, that really wasn't his thing. Cold, hard facts he could talk about, but his own life was a mess, how was he meant to help anyone else? Especially someone as fragile as Draco.

"but she hasn't done anything wrong. I have." Draco looked innocently at the older man and chewed on the straw in his glass. "I don't remember much, master must have wiped my memory, but know I was a death eater. I still have the mark on my arm. They were evil. They were the ones master was fighting against. So I'm evil, right? Is there some sort of scale? Like 'this amount of suffering cancels out this amount of bad behaviour' or 'this amount of good deeds earns you this much happiness'?"

God I wish, Severus thought gloomily, that would make everything so much easier

They continued to talk for a long time, Draco unwittingly battling with big philosophical questions. It took hours, well into the evening actually, until Draco kicked the other man out, saying he had to make dinner for his master.

Severus strolled out into the winter evening, he liked to take a walk after seeing Draco, it helped to clear his head. The truth was, none of them knew what they were doing, no one knew what was right for him, and he certainly couldn't answer his questions about happiness… it was with a heavy heart that he opened the door to his own home, a small, dark and cold place. He was unhappy, it was true, he had been for years. It was like a shroud around him that he had become used to over the years. He wondered if it was too late to let it go. He thought it was.

Draco meanwhile was adding the finishing touches to a steaming plate of steak for his master. He wanted to ask Harry about happiness and things, but… it was scary. He was a slytherin at his core, despite everything that had happened, and he did not like doing scary things. And anyway, he was content. He wasn't starving, or afraid or in pain, and that was all Draco considered necessary. He served his master his dinner and smiled as Harry told him it tasted amazing. Pringles mewed loudly from some distant room and Draco smiled, not able to imagine a fuller, or a better life…

Eventually, Draco did talk philosophy with his master. At first Harry was intrigued by what he was saying, excited even, but then he was scared. Very scared. Thinking for himself was, to Harry the first major step towards total independence. Which was good. Or, at least, it should be….

But really, it made his heart ache. It was a sign, harry thought, that Draco was finally moving towards independence. And that meant he would have to say good bye. Not soon, he knew that, but…it was coming. He didn't know when exactly Draco had stopped being a responsibility of his and started being…well, his love, but he had. By now Harry really did love him. And the thought of saying good-bye made the bottom fall out of his world.

He came up behind Draco and hugged him, breathing in his scent, never ever wanting to forget even the smallest thing about him. "hello master" Draco said, a smile on his face. "Hey baby." Harry whispered, trying to sound happy, and failing. "are you all right master?" Draco asked, turning around and laying his head on Harry's chest. "yeah." Harry said, trying to mean it.

"I love you." He said after a pause. He had never said it to Draco before, afraid that he wasn't ready for it.

But Draco's face split into a wide smile and he said it back. "I love you too, master." It would have been so perfect, if he just hadn't said that last word…Harry sighed, a deep depression welling up inside of him.

He didn't mean it. He couldn't mean it, if he still had to address him like that. He might think he did. But Harry knew better.

"I love you so, so much… try not to forget that, okay? Ever. Please?" Harry begged. He was terrified that one day Draco would understand everything, would remember it all, and would hate him for it. Because there was no way Draco would get better and not hate him. It just wasn't possible, and Draco had to get better.

Harry's heart squeezed and his arms mimicked it around Draco's body. He was in love, but one day his love would have to leave him. A lesser man would intentionally halt his progress, make him stay like this for ever. With Harry forever. But Harry was not a lesser man.

Christmas wasn't long after that, and they had a truly magical time together. Harry pampered Draco mercilessly, although they weren't totally alone, Severus came for a while, and even had a present for Harry, although he gave it rather sullenly. Hermione too, and a few of the weasly's. Harry was perhaps a little over protective of Draco, but he didn't think it would be a good idea for him to see the whole clan; Fred and George were just too much of a wild card for his darling.

They did see Draco's mother though, the day was bright and full of laughter, Draco and him joking, laughing, playing… In fact in many ways it was the happiest Harry had ever been, with no war on, no curse, and he and Draco were happy together. To be honest, he really didn't want anything else.

But all the while Harry's realization hung over him like a veil. It stopped him from being truly happy for Draco when he showed signs of getting that little bit better, because it was just another step towards leaving him. That, in turn made him guilty for not being able to happy for him, it felt petty and selfish, but Harry was very, very afraid of what he knew was coming, it was like standing on a train track and not being able to move, knowing that sooner or later, that train would come hurtling towards him.

His stomach squeezed with the anticipation, he developed nightmares about it, it grew into a slimly knot inside of him that never went away, that he in fact was encouraging, by encouraging Draco's recovery. But he would not stop helping him, couldn't stop loving him, wouldn't see him stay like this…

And before they knew it, it was the New Year! Harry loved that time of year, anything felt possible, and as he cuddled up to Draco in bed, he smiled into the soft skin of his shoulder, ready to drift into simple sleep…but-

"freedom is an illusion." Draco said suddenly. "what?" Harry asked, lifting himself on one elbow. "I think it's something my father used to say." He let out a smile and rolled over in the lush blue sheets. "I think I remembered something. I don't know what we were talking about, but he said 'freedom is an illusion'" Harry gulped suddenly, he didn't know if he wanted to listen to the musings of Lucius Malfoy, but he had to ask…

" what did he mean?" Harry inquired, trying to sound as if the topic didn't make him feel a little nauseous. " he said… that we are all bound by certain rules and laws and that some are obvious and some are not. But he said these rules are what shape our society, and without them there would be anarchy. He talked about order, and chaos and something about… making the most of the freedom you had, and if you did that, then your bonds didn't really matter. It was about learning to live inside of them…i think we were talking about house elves, and pure blood traditions and why we did the things we did…Huh, how strange, I wonder if I will remember more things…Anyway, sorry to keep you up master." Harry wanted to say more, wanted to work out what Draco was talking about, wanted to do something, but Draco just rolled over again, a huge grin on his face before saying; "good night master!"

Harry's awareness that Draco would one day leave him never went away, if anything it grew more acute. He started to cling to Draco, pampering him more and more, they went on holiday to itally, and Harry endured countless hours of ballet and opera. He didn't really think any of this would make him stay any longer than he would other wise. But it was all Harry knew how to do, and that smile Draco had, it could change the world….

It had certainly changed Harry's, for ever.