Mock Effect 2
Chapter 12: Sunny Side of the Street
INT: NORMANDY CREW DECK: DAY
(JANE SHEPARD, having noticed a surprising lack of office supplies, has stopped by KASUMI's room to investigate. She is surprised not to see a pile of staplers but rather a sophisticated looking nook wherein KASUMI is reading on the couch)
JANE: Glad to see you're settling in here!
KASUMI: It's hard to stay in one place this long. But stealing the occasional tape dispenser makes me feel better (Hands it to JANE)
JANE: Aha! Jack will be pleased to have this back. Her outfit was drifting occasionally.
KASUMI: Being another female wearing a skintight uniform, I'm not one to talk, but does that woman ever wear clothes?
JANE: Only if you bought the first alternate appearance pack. Stupid DLC.
KASUMI: Oh, I know what you mean. I can only speak in 3 sentence fragments unless you touch my stuff.
JANE: At least you have a bar in here. All Zaeed has is the garbage disposal.
KASUMI: Let's face it, you're nowhere near lucky. So far you're stuck working for terrorists and hiring assassins, creeps, and mercenaries all of whom have daddy issues.
JANE: How did you know about that, I haven't done any loyalty missions yet!
KASUMI: I'm a master thief, remember? I filched a copy of Kelly's list. Boy, are you in for it.
JANE: Keep it up and I won't do yours.
KASUMI: Mine is one of the more interesting ones. Well minus the obvious "James Bond enters the Matrix" vibe.
JANE: You should've just taken the blue pill Jane…
KASUMI: Hey, while you're still here, can you let me know if you and Jacob have something going? I like to fantasize about him when I'm not grieving the gruesome death of my last lover.
JANE: Oh no, you can have him.
KASUMI: And could you fill me in the sexual harassment protocols on a Cerberus ship? When I waltz through the control room in this skintight suit I get the uncomfortable feeling that people are watching me.
JANE: Funny you should mention that, Miranda has the same complaint. Haven't heard anything from Jack, though. Or Crewman Knight for that matter. Perhaps you could consider not dressing in skintight pajamas to sneak about the ship? I'm sure once we find Crewman Knight's body everyone will be much more respectful.
KASUMI: That's all I have. Come back after a mission to see if I can think of any new comments.
(JANE waves and walks next door to THANE's new quarters on the life support deck. THANE is sitting at his table staring into reactor that powers the ship. He appears to be either in a trance state or half asleep)
JANE: Hey there sunshine, mind if I sit down?
THANE: Oh. Right. Sitting. I sat down once, no twice, no 758 times in the last year. Or was that 832? Should meditating count?
JANE: Up to you. You really have a vivid memory, huh?
THANE: Perhaps. It is a gift and a curse. Let's just say that there are certain memories that aren't great. That day in the doctor's office, for example.
JANE: Oh yeah, that's right you're dying. You were going to explain that to me.
THANE: Think of it as metastasized alien lung cancer. No way you can save me, no matter how many fan threads you put up. Though it is highly probable that a heretofore unnamed relative of mine will make an appearance.
JANE: I'm sure I'll hear about it when Kelly catches up to me. She thinks I'm in engineering right now. That should keep her occupied for a few more minutes. Now about this disease…
THANE: Don't worry, you can't catch it unless you suicidally live on a wet planet when your body was built for a dry one.
JANE: Good to know. How come you have it?
THANE: Guess.
JANE: I'm not that stupid. I meant how come you stayed on the ocean planet instead of moving somewhere nicer?
THANE: Uhhh…. I had a good job. And my people made an ancient deal with the Hanar… so I was stuck.
JANE: Right. They trained you to be a ruthless assassin, and they never once considered moving your hq to a warmer drier planet? Have you never heard employee rights? At the very least you should sue for workman's comp.
THANE: Assassin's don't get workman's comp. The retirement package is being allowed to live, and only then it's an iffy. Ask Sly Stallone. Or that weird elf from Dragonage.
JANE: Use a breather?
THANE: Oh. I don't think anyone's ever thought of that. We're good at killing people. Survival… not so much.
JANE: Glad I could help.
THANE: Hmm. If you're finished, I'd like to return to my meditations.
JANE: Right. See ya. Oh, if you get the time, hook me up with some more probes for planetary strip mining. Gotta catch 'em all!
INT: NORMANDY COMMAND DECK: DAY
(On her way to the control room, KELLY approaches the commander, finally having gotten out of the engineering deck.)
KELLY: Oh there you are! I have been, like, looking for you all over! The Illusive Man has got one more person for you to pick up.
JANE: Oh really. Who?
KELLY: The Engineer. Like, she does doors and hacking and stuff.
JANE: I meant, what's her name? Samus? Zelda? Hawke?
KELLY: I'm not supposed to tell you. The Illusive man, like, made me promise on a stack of bibles. Or were those cookbooks? I didn't read the titles. But I did promise.
JANE: Don't make me go hardball on you.
KELLY: I promised!
JANE: Ohhh, Johnny! (Into mike)
(JOHN's voice comes through, but it becomes obvious that he is trying in vain to hide out in the Cockpit. JANE reconvenes the meeting therein)
JANE: John, tell little miss valley girl here that she had better tell me who we're picking up, or you'll throw her out an airlock.
JOHN: Why don't you tell her?
JANE: I don't want the renegade points. You already have the meter full, so you can be nasty with impunity. (At JOHN's hopeful smile) WHEN I say so.
JOHN: Hmmm.. So now you want my help, huh? First it's all "Johnny scrub the toilets" and then it's "Johnny fix the sinks" and now it's "Johnny, intimidate the suspect." Why should I help you? What will you give me in return?
JANE: Fine, you can have the Cubans back. But you have to be wearing clothes when you walk around smoking them. Your clothes. A full outfit. I don't care if it's the middle of the night.
JOHN: That's it? My cigars? Not my comfy room with the bar? Not my job as your co-commander? Not even a visit with the consort? How about you just throw in a crate of omni-gel and I can be exactly nowhere?
JANE: Don't cross me, brother. You will regret it.
JOHN: That's funny, I don't think I will. So, no, I will not intimidate the hot redhead. Incidentally, I need her to go feed my fish.
JANE: You don't have any fish.
JOHN: I would if you let me do anything around here!
JANE: I let you do plenty!
JOHN: Like what? Taking over the air filters?
JANE: Like my dumbass redhead assistant!
JOHN: OH yeah?
JANE: OH YEAH!
(You get the idea... Eventually they run out of energy and names to yell at one another, and resentfully they pull up at the planet specified, landing with quieter teammates KASUMI & THANE. But upon touchdown, EDI radios them some disturbing news)
EXT: HAESTROM: RUINS: DAY
EDI: I'm sorry Shepard, but the ship's DVR did not record last nights' "Dancing with the Stars". It seems someone changed the settings to record "Blasto: Tentacles of Justice".
JANE: Damnit John!
EDI: There's more. This planet's sun is exploding early and consequently any exposure to direct sunlight could be deadly.
JANE: Damnit Tim!
EDI: Annnnd the planet is swarming with Geth.
JANE: Damnit, Jane…. Any good news for me, Edi?
EDI: I have successfully repaired the settings and locked out any further interference with your DVR.
JANE: Thanks Edi, we'll take it from here. Alright people, we're headed into hell, or at least someplace equally sunny, so keep in the shade!
KASUMI: I'm dressed entirely in black. I'm beginning to doubt my fashion sense.
JOHN: Black is cool. Except for when it's hot. It's hot even when it's hot. Which is cool.
(Ignoring JOHN, JANE notices that THANE is stretched out on a lawn chair that came out of nowhere and is sitting in the sun, a serene expression on his face)
JANE: Thane, get back in the shade, that sun will fry you!
THANE: Shepard, I appreciate your concern, but I'm dying of metastasized alien lung cancer from living on a hydro-planet. The radiation can only shrink whatever tumors I have, and you would not believe how tough it is to get a tan where it rains all day.
KASUMI: He's right. You should go to London sometime, you'll see.
THANE: Worse comes to worse, I die watching the sunset.
JANE: And then I'm short an assassin. Get your butt over here, your karma needs you!
THANE: Haters.
(They walk down a sloping path to a gate into an ancient compound. JANE optimistically ignores the Quarian body left blocking the door. Beyond the door they fight a small battle with Geth, coming eventually to a destroyed campsite with quarian and geth bodies littered around it. One of them has a active radio that is squawking. While JOHN and KASUMI loot the bodies, JANE answers)
JANE: Hello? Who is this?
RADIO: Squad leader Kal'Reegar, what the hell are you boys playing at? We're sitting ducks out here!
JANE: We're not having that much fun ourselves. Incidentally neither are your troops. They are presently vulture food, if any vulture was stupid enough to go out for a jaunt.
RADIO: Damn. So that's what all that screaming was about. I thought the boss was simply on the wrong channel again.
JANE: The boss?
RADIO: Got 'em muted on the other channel. Not important. We're pinned down!
JANE: And you need whoever I am to go in and save your ass?
RADIO: Got it in one. As to who you are, don't much know, don't much care.
JANE: So, would this be the time to interrogate you on your purpose here?
RADIO: Don't make me unmute the boss' channel on you.
JANE: That doesn't sound pleasant. Right then. Onward!
(Before they go any further, a geth ship flies by and blows the quarian position below them to smithereens. In addition it knocks over a nearby pillar, blocking the doorway. JANE and the team approach it, since it landed in the shade)
JOHN: Alright, upsy daisy. Somebody give me a push here.
JANE: We can't do that, it's too tall.
THANE: I'm on the other side already.
KASUMI: It's barely taller than me, and I'm a short Japanese girl.
JANE: The script says we go and collect some explosives from nearby ambush sites. We have to do it that way.
JOHN: You know, normally I hate going by the rules, but I'm in favor of anything that lets me shoot stuff.
(They dutifully walk into the ambushes and wipe out the geth who come swarming out of the walls. When they step out of the alcove, there's another ambush.)
JANE: This doesn't make any bloody sense. I step into the sun for five seconds and my shields go out. Yet I'm stuck behind a lousy crate while Geth Primes waltz around out there having no problems with their shielding or armor!
(THANE is lounging in his lawn chair again, sipping lemonade while occasionally taking a potshot at the geth outside.)
KASUMI: It's the writers fault.
JOHN: Don't worry, they're on my list.
THANE: What list?
JOHN: People to violently eviscerate when ME3 is over.
JANE: When ME3 is over, I'm putting you in a mental ward.
(Eventually they break through the supergeth's blockade, plant the charges and enter the building Reegar's troops were protecting. Inside are a few dying geth and more dead quarians. KASUMI amuses herself by breaking into an ancient wall safe while THANE and JOHN see who can look more badass in a cracked mirror. JANE steels herself and approaches the communication terminal. Sure enough, her screen fills with an image of TALI ZORAH NAR'RAYYA)
TALI: Shepard? Am I already hallucinating? I took drugs once, I remember I saw…
JANE: Yes, it's us Tali. I guess we're here to rescue you.
TALI: You guess? You weren't nearly so non committal back on Freedom's Progress.
JANE: I had just been brought back from the dead. The cynicism hadn't kicked in yet.
TALI: Can you help me out here, Shepard? My father wanted me to get some inconspicuous geth parts for a treehouse he's building and I seem to have gotten stuck in a vault with angry robots out here trying to kill me.
JANE: Right… A displaced admiral wants geth parts for his "treehouse" and that gets you flat in the middle of a geth ambush in front of an exploding sun? How do you get into these messes?
TALI: You got me. All I did was tell a few stories at a few family meetings, and here I am, sent on really strange missions to the middle of nowhere. It's a big honor, they must have liked me.
JANE: Yeah, that must be it. Can you open this door on your end? I need to go relieve some stress on some robots that will never see it coming. I hate getting volunteered for stuff.
(TALI opens the door, and JANE closes the comm channel. True to her word, JANE's ire is fierce to behold, and the miniature drones that swarm the field in front of her are hastily dispatched into scrap electronics. The few Geth Primes that were hunkered down in the area run for their synthetic lives. The rest of the team follows dutifully, arriving at a shuttered room by a stairwell. At the end of the stairwell is Quarian with a rocket launcher who does not look happy)
JANE: Kal'Reegar, I presume?
REEGAR: Yep, that's me. Tali's holed up in that bunker over there. The geth are trying to get in, but I keep firing rockets at them.
(Throughout this brief conversation, JOHN is motioning urgently at JANE)
JOHN: Jane…
JANE: That will keep a hacker distracted Mr. Reegar. You'll pardon me, but your voice sounds awfully familiar
JOHN: Jane!
REEGAR: Can't imagine why… Eerie, ain't it?
JOHN: JANE!
BOTH: WHAT?
JOHN: There's a Geth Colossus over there. It's got a bead on us.
REEGAR: No kidding. Why'd you think I was back here instead of out there? Not to be ungrateful, but what are you people doing here?
JANE: We came to recruit an engineer for an important mission. We used to work with Tali, and our boss apparently felt her expertise would be of use.
REEGAR: Let me get this straight. You came BACK for Tali?
JANE: Don't rub it in. How's she doing in there, by the way?
(REEGAR changes his channel and we hear TALI talking to herself about how the geth hierarchy was formed. He quickly switches back.)
REEGAR: Yeah, she's fine. It's going to be hard taking out that colossus, though. Me & Vera can back you up, but you're gonna have to get close and blow it up.
JANE: Vera?
REEGAR: Yeah, Vera. This launcher's so pretty I thought she deserved a name.
JOHN: This one's Bianca.
THANE: Penelope
KASUMI: Gun
JANE: Thank you!
KASUMI: ..ga Din.
JANE: You people are nuts.
JOHN: I prefer "insane" How are we going to kill this thing?
JANE: I have an idea. Hand me that radio. Hmm. Ok, on the count of three, cover me!
(Jane dashes out and around the corner, hiding behind conveniently placed rubble in the shade. She charges out and around to the edge of the Colossus' area, where the geth are content to wait for her to come out.)
JANE: Everyone cover your ears!
REEGAR: What… Why? (His eyelights flash) Ohh no… You can't mean to... Cover your ears!
(Even JOHN is cowed by the terror in REEGAR's voice, and everyone does as JANE ordered. JANE turns the radio on and raises the volume to the highest level. Then, covering her own ears, she opens TALI's channel and tosses the radio under the Colossus. TALI's bored recitation of Krogan poetry is drowned out by mechanical screams of agony. When they stop, JANE shoots the radio to silence it, and is joined by REEGAR and the team)
REEGAR: Are you out of your gorram mind?
JOHN: That shouldn't have worked.
THANE: I fail to see why this was so dangerous.
KASUMI: Think anyone will miss this refined iridium?
JANE: Well, I'm out of heavy weapons and I have no interest in a one on one fight with it. So I used the tools I had. Thane, I can introduce the two of you if you really want to verify it.
REEGAR: I had a captain like you once… You are gorram crazy. (mutters in Chinese and walks off)
(Reluctantly, they proceed, opening the door to TALI's refuge, wherein she is busy hacking an ancient computer)
TALI: Now, let's see, were they using windows xp or … Drat. It's M.E. Shepard, this might take awhile.
JANE: Take your time. Call us when you're ready. We'll be out somewhere saving the world. Might take us a while to get to you, but you know, things happen.
TALI: Silly Shepard. It won't take that long. Besides Reegar is already gone, my only ride off is with you.
JANE: That son of a bitch. Won't the Migrant fleet want your data? Can't we drop you off over there to handle things?
TALI: Nonsense. They want me to go along for the ride with you, a human working for their avowed enemies. Father said "Those sorry bastards won't know what hit them." He must have been especially impressed with your decisions when I served with you. He talked about Virmire all the time.
KASUMI: You were at Virmire? What Happ (JOHN clocks her with his rifle)
JANE: Poor dear. She really should learn to watch her head. You'd think a master thief would be more careful. Are you sure Reegar is gone, Tali?
TALI: He said goodbye as he left, but I couldn't make the rest out, he was laughing so hard.
JOHN: That does it, I'm adding him to my list.
TALI: There, done. Ready to go with you.
JANE: Doggone it. Come on then.
(With the Shuttle miraculously surviving another visit to the destabilizing planet, JANE, TALI, and cohort all return to the NORMANDY. JACOB is waiting for them)
INT: NORMANDY: CHAIRLESS CONFERENCE ROOM
JACOB: Welcome aboard Tali Zorah.
TALI: That's Ms. Nar'Rayya to you, Cerberus scum!
JACOB: Typical of an ignorant space-bound race, unable to accept a simple greeting.
TALI: Accept? Why should I accept a greeting from filthy life-hating terrorists!
JANE: Girls, Girls! Calm down! You can duke it out after we complete our suicide mission.
JOHN: Awww. I wanted to see that. My money was on Tali hacking his electronic belt buckle and making him drop his pants mid fight. That would have been funny!
TALI: You expect me to make nice with these people, Shepard?
JANE: (Hopefully) You could always go home?
TALI: And leave you under their control? Not likely. I'll need a place to stay.
JANE: I have a space for you …
JOHN: Whoa now! Hold up! I am NOT giving up my bunk again. I just got all my stuff moved down to engineering, and I am NOT moving. I've been holding back, but I will turn this ship upside down if I have to move again! You'll have to kill me first.
JANE: You've been holding back have you? Alrighty then. Since you're so insistent, I won't make you move anywhere else. Tali can simply move in down there with you. There's plenty of space. You'll be roommates!
JOHN: You wouldn't.
JANE: I warned you there would be consequences for defying me.
JOHN: Please… please no. I'll do anything. I'll throw Kelly out an airlock!
JANE: Not going to happen. Have fun in engineering you two!
(JANE leaves, followed by a whining JOHN. TALI starts to go but it interrupted by JACOB)
JACOB: (Sing-song) Oh, Ms. Nar'Rayya? Don't forget to introduce yourself to the Ship's AI! EDI, this is our new engineer!
(TALI hacks his electronic belt buckle and JACOB's pants fall down)