Chapter 11

A month had passed now and it was pure Hell for me. I wasn't sleeping well, I kept tossing and turning. I couldn't keep my eyes shut longer than maybe five minutes, I've been so exhausted. Being physically exhausted and emotionally drained do not mix well, I can't tell you how many people I've snapped at. I felt especially sorry for Steve, he works with me and he has to deal with me constantly being in a crabby mood. He never said anything about it but I'm sure it did bother him. I hated life right now, it felt worthless and meaningless. I could occasionally fall asleep for maybe an hour and lay awake until my alarm went off. Those were my favorite nights, I actually got some sleep for once even if it wasn't much.

I was laying on my right side, staring at my alarm clock. I sighed heavily and extended my arm to my lamp, I switched it on. I stared at my lamp for a second before sitting up, I opened the drawer on my nightstand. I pulled out a small, metal box I bought a week ago out and sat it on my bed. I undid the clasp and opened it, I scanned over the contents. I had razors, tissues and antibacterial ointment. It was like my own harm then care kit, I love how it gave me a small bit of peace. I always cut when everyone was asleep, only me and the night knew what I did to myself. I was thankful it was getting cold outside so it didn't look weird when I started to wear long sleeves all the time. I grabbed one of the small, silver razors and held it in between my thumb and index finger. I took in a deep breath and pressed the sharp blade against my wrist, swiftly cutting. I winced but felt relieved. I stared at the slit on my wrist and watched it bleed, my blood was a pretty deep shade of red. I grabbed a tissue from my box and softly pressed it to my incision. I sat still for a moment, letting the tissue soak up all the blood it could. I lifted it up and stared at my cut, it didn't have much blood coming out of it anymore. I grabbed the ointment and squeezed some of the clear cream onto my finger and rubbed it on my cut. I didn't want my cuts to get infected. I wiped the remaining ointment on my pajama pants and put everything back into the box. I looked at the items once more before shutting the box My alarm sounded off and I groaned, I didn't want to go to work. I hated going anywhere anymore, I hated going outside because if I left my room I either saw Ponyboy or Two-Bit.

Keith started coming around again, I didn't like when he was around anymore, it made it worse when he tried to talk to me like nothing happened. I would give the smallest answers and quickly walk back to my bedroom. I don't know if he noticed that I didn't like talking to him anymore, if he did he probably didn't care. He did talk to Pony a lot though, it made me jealous, so jealous that I wanted to scream. Two-Bit hit on Pony the other day and I heard it, I wanted to stab myself repeatedly so I could die and not hear anymore. I was standing outside of the dining room where they were, I was secretly peeking in. Pony only coughed and shifted awkwardly.

"T-Two-Bit, I don't feel like moving on yet." Pony muttered and stared down at the floor.

"Come on, Pone, I could treat you better than Soda could." Two-Bit said.

I wanted so much to hit him or something, I just didn't want him to touch Pony and steal him away from me.

"I have a feeling you only broke me and Soda up because you wanted me." Pony stated coldly.

"Nah, it just isn't right to be sleeping around with your brother." Two-Bit said nonchalantly.

"What I did with my boyfriend wasn't any of your business." Pony said and crossed his arms.

"I think it kinda became my business when I walked in and he had his hand jammed down your pants." Two-Bit stated, he sounded slightly agitated.

"Soda was going to explain things to you but your ears are apparently full of cotton so you couldn't hear." Pony said dryly.

"I just think incest is wrong like most of the world these days." Two-Bit said and shrugged.

"I guess being with my brother is...wrong but if I was wrong then I was wrong. Soda made me happy and now I can't be with him anymore." Pony whimpered and stomped out of the room, he didn't see me.

I watched Pony walk into his bedroom and slam his door. I jumped from the loud bang but peeked back into the dining room. Two-Bit was standing still, he looked shocked by Pony's sternness and coldness. He seemed to be thinking to himself, he has a distraught look on his face. I figured it served him right for trying to steal Pony away from me so I just stood up and walked back into my bedroom.

I figured I should get ready for work now, I groaned loudly and stood up from my bed. I gathered up my clothes and walked out of the room to the bathroom, I don't even think Darry was up yet. I have been getting up rather early these days, when you're restless you do whatever just to have something to do. I walked into the bathroom and locked the door, I slowly began peeling off my pajamas and boxers. I stared on my wrists, both had cuts up to the middle of my forearm. They stung when I got in the shower, especially if they were fresh. I sighed, I guess comfort in the shower is a sacrifice for me to have comfort in my mind. I began to run the shower water and got it to the temperature I wanted and climbed in. The water instantly hit my cuts and I winced from the sting, the water was as bad as the soap. They didn't just sting when I was in the shower but they itched a lot, sometimes I would scratch too hard and cause the scabs to come off. I sighed and just wanted to finish the day already.

I walked out of the bathroom wearing a black long sleeve shirt with my uniform shirt over it. I stumbled back into my bedroom to slip on my shoes, I barely cared enough to put on socks anymore. I looked like shit, I didn't care about what I looked like anymore. I used to comb my hair perfectly but now I just made it look slightly decent. I had bags under my brown eyes and my eyes looked dead to the world. Girls don't look at me at the DX anymore, I guess girls don't like it when men looked like absolute, depressed trash. I couldn't blame them, I didn't like looking at myself either. I don't know if anyone in the gang noticed me slowly turning into a trash can, I think Steve might have noticed some. I got my shoes on and fell face first onto my bed, I sobbed. I hated going outside, I felt judged, as if everyone knew how big of a mistake I am. I guessed I would just have to toughen up and deal with it. I was still laying face down when I heard my bedroom door open, I shifted my head to look over at my doorway.

"Soda?" Darry asked.

"What?" I asked.

"Since you have an appointment today, I'm going to be taking you to work so we will be leaving early and I'll be picking you up from work." Darry said and I sighed.

"Alright." I muttered and yawned.

"Did you sleep at all last night?" Darry questioned.

"No, to be honest, no I didn't." I snapped, I hated when people asked me a lot of questions.

Darry simply nodded, "you can get at least an hour of sleep right now if you want. Are you hungry?" Darry softly asked.

"No, I'm not hungry.." I said as I heard my stomach growl.

Darry raised an eyebrow, "you sure?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." I stated.

"Okay..." Darry said as he shut my door.

I hated eating, it just made me feel worse. I've lost some weight from not eating much recently, Darry's forced me to eat some things but I never liked it. I think it really wears on Darry seeing me this way but I couldn't help it, it felt like a never ending spiral. I felt my eyelids get heavy and I ended up falling asleep, I curled up into a ball.

I was dreaming, I knew that much. I was being shaken and I opened my eyes. I saw someone shaking me awake, I groaned and slowly opened my eyes. I was shocked to see it was Pony who woke me up, I furrowed my eyebrows in confusion.

"Pony?" I asked.

"Shh.." Pony cooed and softly kissed me.

I hesitated but softly returned the kiss, I missed him so much. My body ached for him to touch me, I needed his hands all over me. Pony was ontop of me and he smirked down at me, I stared into his green eyes, silently begging him to take me. I didn't care if I was being completely submissive to him, I just needed him to make me feel safe. Pony placed his hands on my pants button and undid it, he slowly unzipped my pants. I was panting in anticipation.

"Pony, please!" I begged and clawed the blanket beneath me.

He slowly slid my jeans off of me, leaving me exposed to my little brother. He crawled back ontop of me after throwing my jeans to the floor, I felt his finger on my entrance. I mewled in desperation, I needed him to do something to me, anything!

"P-Pony.." I panted as he slowly pushed his finger into me.

"Ahh.." I breathed, it didn't even hurt, it just felt good.

Pony slid two more of his fingers into me and thrust them hard and fast into me. I was moaning loudly and couldn't stop myself from being loud, I just loved it too much.

Suddenly, I heard someone yell my name. I opened my eyes for real this time and lazily looked over at the doorway.

"S-Soda, what are you doing?" Darry asked, shocked.

I furrowed my eyebrows at him but then noticed I was touching myself like Pony was touching me in my dream. I blushed heavily and hid myself as quickly as I could.

"D-Darry!" I exclaimed and felt like wanted to cry.

"I-It's okay, Soda, just fix yourself up and come out when you're done." Darry quickly said and shut my door.

I whimpered, I felt completely embarrassed. I looked down and I was exposed from the waist down, I sighed heavily. I felt so empty to the point I was touching myself and pretending it was Pony. I felt dirty, I didn't feel alright in my own skin anymore. I stood slowly and grabbed my jeans off the floor, I didn't bother to take my shoes off before I pulled on my pants. I sat onto my bed and stared at my bedroom wall, I didn't want to face Darry after he saw me. I stared at my wall for a few minutes until I got up the nerve to walk out of my room. I slowly walked out of the room and hesitantly walked into the living room, Darry was standing by the front door. I noticed Pony wasn't in the room yet, I was confused why he wasn't awake yet.

"Where's Pony?" I asked, I didn't really want to see him, it was just weird with him not awake.

"He's sick, he has a high fever." Darry said and opened the front door.

"Oh.." I muttered and saw Two-Bit was sleeping on the couch.

I didn't feel okay with him being here alone with Pony, it made me feel sick. I looked at Darry with concern, he raised an eyebrow at me.

"What's wrong?" He asked.

"I don't want Two-Bit to be here alone with Pony." I admitted.

"I don't think Keith would hurt Pony, Soda.." Darry said confused.

"I don't care, I don't like it." I stated.

Darry sighed, "I'm sorry, Soda, but you're just going to have to deal with it."

I sighed and followed Darry out of the door, I glanced at Two-Bit before closing the door. I walked to the truck and opened the door, I wasn't ready for today. I groaned and crawled into the truck, I slammed my door shut and slouched in the seat. Darry started the truck and glanced over at me.

"Soda?" Darry asked as he backed out of the small driveway.

"What?" I asked.

"You've been rather depressed and it's really making me worried about you.." Darry trailed off.

Oh, so you're just now noticing my soul slowly collapsing on it's self?

I nodded, "yeah, I've been pretty sad."

"Do you think you could talk to your therapist about it? I'm sure she would be glad to help you." Darry said.

I shrugged, "sure.."

I hated going to see Amy, she looked so much like Sandy that it just fucked me up even more than I already was. I had to keep reminding myself that Amy is in her forties and Sandy is Florida. Sometimes it didn't work, sometimes I slipped up and called Amy Sandy. I hated Sandy and I could almost say I hated Amy but she didn't cheat on me and leave me for dead. I looked out my window and saw that we were already at the DX, I was shocked that time passed by that fast. I looked over at Darry and he was giving me a concerned look.

"Have a good day, Soda." Darry said with a soft smile.

"You too, Dar." I said back, I smiled at him. Seeing Darry smile always made me happy and feel somewhat better.

I climbed out of the truck and softly shut my door, I don't think Darry appreciated it when I slammed the door. I started walking up to the DX and stepped inside, I kept my eyes down onto the black and white tiles.

"You're kinda late.." Steve said and I jumped, I hadn't seen him when I walked in.

"Sorry, I was having a rough morning." I said and looked up at Steve.

"I'm sorry, I hope you feel better soon." Steve said with a smile.

I always thought the gap in between Steve's front teeth was pretty comical looking. It just made him look funny even though he had an anger issue. He never failed to make me laugh when I was sad but recently, his skills haven't done anything for me. Steve noticed I didn't smile back like I usually would, in fact I wasn't even happy looking like I usually am.

"Soda? Are you okay?" Steve asked concerned and approached me.

"I-I'm fine," I lied, "I'm just really tired."

"Why have you been wearing long sleeves?" Steve asked.

"It's getting cold outside and I like to stay warm." I excused.

"I've seen you run throw snow with a tank top on, the cold doesn't bother you that much." Steve said.

I began to panic on the inside, he saw through everything. Best friends had a way of being able to rip every single one of your lies to shreds right in your face. He tried to grab my arm and I ripped it away from his grasp.

"Steve, I'm fine." I stated.

"Soda, there's something wrong." Steve muttered and tried to grab my arm again.

"Stop." I said.

Steve sighed, "alright."

He saw someone outside and began to walk outside.

"Talk to me when you want." He said softly before walking outside.

I stood still, I didn't want him or anyone to ever see my scars. They were ugly and red, I don't know how I found comfort in them. I rolled up my sleeve and stared at the scars and cuts, I sighed contently as I ran a finger over them.

Just make it home Soda and you can cut again..

I rolled my sleeve back and went behind the counter, I just wanted to get home so I could cut myself again. I heard the door open and I turned around. Dallas was standing there, looking at me with a cigarette in between his lips. He smirked at me and approached me.

"What's up, Soda?" He asked while pulling his cigarette from his mouth.

"Nothing much.." I muttered and got an idea, maybe I could get Dallas to go and stay with Pony and Two-Bit.

"Hey, Dally?" I asked, trying to sound nice.

"Yeah?" He asked and took a drag off his cigarette.

I hesitated to ask, I wasn't sure if Dallas had anything planned but I figured it didn't hurt to ask anyway.

"Could you go stay with Pony and Two-Bit? I don't trust Two-Bit with Pony right now.." I said and looked down at the floor.

Dallas pat me on the shoulder, "no problem, Soda, I got nothin' better to do right now."

I looked up at him and smiled, "thank you, Dal.

"No problem, I'll see you later then. Bye Steve." Dallas waved as he walked out the door.

"It's nice he didn't even bother to say hi to me." Steve huffed as he walked in from outside.

. . .

It was officially closing time and I was leaning my elbow on the counter, my jaw resting in my hand. I sighed heavily as I wait for Steve to finish up so I could walk home and relieve myself. I was zoning out, not really paying attention to anything. I saw Steve at the corner of my eye and saw him stop moving and stare at me. I didn't look at him, I just yawned and sighed.

"S-Soda, what is that?" Steve asked.

I stopped daydreaming and looked down at my wrist, it was exposed. I jumped and violently pulled it over my cuts, I looked at Steve.

"N-Nothing!" I exclaimed, desperately wanting Steve to just forget what he saw.

"Soda, are you hurting yourself?" Steve asked in disbelief.

"N-No..." I muttered and backed away when he stepped closer to me.

Steve quickly grabbed my wrist and pulled my sleeve all the way down to my elbow. I let him take in my cuts, I knew I was caught.

"S-Soda.." Steve said sadly and covered his mouth.

"Stevie, don't tell anyone, please.." I begged.

"Soda, I have to tell someone. You'll kill yourself that way!" Steve exclaimed and I saw tears brim in his eyes.

I hated to see Steve so sad for me, I knew it was my fault, I hurt him with these cuts. I couldn't help it, it just happened. I just wanted to relieve the pain in my heart, the pain knowing I couldn't have Pony back. I sobbed and hugged Steve, I couldn't hold myself together anymore.

"S-Steve, I can't stop. I've tried and I just can't.." I sobbed into his shoulder.

"How long have you been doing this?" Steve asked.

"A month...I can't do it anymore, I can't live anymore, Stevie.." I whimpered.

"Soda, you can't off yourself. Think of Pony and Darry and how much they would miss you. Think of how much the gang would miss you, it wouldn't be the same." Steve said and rubbed my back.

"I know you'd all miss me but I can't stop the pain. It comes back so quickly. I can't sleep at night, I can't even walk in my own house because Pony or Keith is there." I cried and sobbed more into his shoulder.

"You need to tell your therapist about this, keeping it bottled up inside isn't going to make you feel any better." Steve said and I softly sniffled.

"O-Okay.." I said, I knew I most likely wouldn't mention it to anyone but I could at least say I would.

Steve smiled, "good."

I glanced outside and Saw Darry's truck outside, I looked back to Steve.

"I've gotta go, I'll see you later, Stevie." I said while waving at him.

"See you later, Soda." Steve said as he followed me and locked the door.

I walked to Darry's truck and quickly climbed inside, wanting to get my appointment done with so I could get home.

"Did you have a good day?" Darry asked after I closed my door.

"Y-Yeah, it was fine." I said, trying not to show I had been crying.

Darry backed out of the parking lot and didn't say much of anything to me while driving to the therapist office. I didn't want to see Amy, I didn't want to be on this side of town looking this trashy. Darry parked in front of the building and I whimpered to myself.

"Soda, I got to run some errands. Can you handle being here on your own?" Darry asked.

I felt my heart stop for a second. Me? Alone? In soc territory? I gulped but nodded.

"Sure, I'll be okay." I lied, I wasn't sure how anyone would treat me without Darry with me to make me look slightly respectable.

"See you in an hour." Darry said as I crawled out of the truck.

"Bye, Dar." I said and closed the door, I slowly walked to the door and stepped into the building.

I looked around the small waiting room and was thankful that it was only me in there. I let out a sigh of relief and approached the receptionist desk. I talked to the receptionist for a second before I went to take a seat, I stared down at my hands in my lap. I sat silent for a few moments, I didn't feel comfortable here, no matter how many times I came here. I felt someone tap me on my arm and I looked up, instantly seeing the blonde hair.

"Hey, Soda, ready to come in?" Amy asked, she had a soft smile on her tn face.

"Sure.." I said and slowly stood, I just noticed that Amy was taller than me.

I followed her through the door and into her office, her office was pretty big. I went to the chair I always sat in and sat down, I slouched in my seat. Amy took a seat in her big leather chair, she situated herself and looked at me.

"Are you having a good day so far?" She asked, her voice was nice and calm.

"Yeah, it was kinda boring." I lied, hoping she couldn't see through my lies like Steve could.

"Soda, you've been pretty depressed the last month." Amy said and looked at me, her brown eyes were full of concern.

I was thankful that one thing was different from Amy and Sandy, their eyes were different colors. Sandy's were blue and Amy's were dark brown. She waited silently for me to answer, I wasn't sure if I could answer. I bet it was bluntly obvious I wasn't in a okay state of mind.

"Yeah...I have been pretty depressed.."I admitted.

"You miss Ponyboy, don't you?" She asked cautiously.

I froze, she always knew what was wrong with me like she could read my mind. It freaked me out how she knew what to say most of the time, I sighed heavily.

"Yeah...I miss Ponyboy a lot.." I said softly.

"Soda, I know you miss being with him romantically but you can't do that." Amy said soothingly.

I winced from her words, I didn't want to give up Ponyboy.

"How do I stop loving him if I live with him? What do I do then?" I asked, desperate for an answer.

"You're gonna have to talk to him in a brotherly way. You have to reestablish the brotherly aspect of your relationship." Amy said.

I sat silent, she made it sound so easy. I didn't like to talk to Pony anymore, it always escalated to something inappropriate. I could barely look at Pony anymore without wanting him. I stood up from my chair, I didn't want to talk anymore.

"I have to go." I said, my voice was colder than I intended.

"Soda, please, I'm trying to help you." Amy said and followed me toward the door.

"Well, you're not helping right now." I said as I quickly opened the door.

"Soda, please, just listen to me." Amy pleaded as she followed me out to the waiting room.

"No, I don't want to listen to you anymore." I stated and walked out of the building.

Amy didn't follow me out, I think she could get in trouble if she left her building. I knew I would feel horrible later about how I treated her but I really didn't need to listen to her anymore. I stood still for a moment and realized I had no way home, I gulped. I was outside, by myself in soc territory. I thought of how me and Darry got here and began speed walking away from the building. I knew I would freak Darry out by leaving and not telling anyone where I went, I sighed and went back to the building. I stepped inside and went to the receptionist.

"Umm..ma'am?" I asked softly.

She looked up at me and smiled softly.

"Yes?" She asked.

"When my brother comes by, can you just tell him I walked home?" I said.

She nodded, "can do."

"Alright, thank you." I said with a smile and walked back outside.

I continued to speed walk home, I didn't want to be caught or anything. I felt like it was taking me forever but then again, I was on the other side of town. I thought of how much of an idiot I was for walking just because I got pissed off for a second at Amy. I already felt bad for speaking the way I did at her, she was just trying to help me get better but I didn't want to get better. I wanted to stay sick, I wanted to stay with Pony and be sick with him. I zoned out from the world, I didn't care about the world anymore. I was staring down at the sidewalk when I heard a car horn honk near me. I jumped and was about to bolt in the opposite direction, I slowly turned to where the noise came from. I was deeply relieved to see it was just Darry, I let out a sigh and he motioned for me to get in the truck. I bet he was pretty mad at me for wondering off but I could handle Darry being mad. I opened the door and crawled inside, I situated myself in the seat.

"Soda?" Darry asked.

"Yeah?" I said, expecting him to yell at me.

"I talked to Amy, she told me you got angry at her and told her you didn't want to talk. Do you really not want to talk to her anymore?" Darry asked, he sounded concerned.

"Yeah, I did get angry..I feel bad about it." I said softly.

"Do you want to go back?" Darry asked.

"No, not right now." I quickly said, I needed time.

"That's okay, Soda, tell me when you're ready and I'll get it situated." Darry said with a smile.

"Thanks, Darry.." I said, I was surprised he wasn't scolding me.

I sat in silence on the way home, my arms felt tingly like always when I needed to cut. I began to move around awkwardly, trying to make it go away. Me and Darry were halfway home when my arms began burning, they did this when I didn't cut immediately when I felt them tingle. I winced and began lightly scratching at my arm, trying to make it a little better. I saw the house was just a few seconds away and the burning got worse, I was scratching my arm really hard. I knew I broke through the scabs, I felt the blood touch my sleeve. I hoped Darry didn't notice me scratching myself like a maniac, he pulled into the driveway and I kicked open my door. I ran into the house and quickly went to my bedroom, I shut my door. I stood there for a moment, I was sure I looked like an idiot by running through the house like that but I needed to escape. I sat on my bed and took in a deep breath, I was personally scared of cutting too deep one day. I was always so careful when I actually cut, it was nice and quick. I opened the drawer on my nightstand and pulled out my metal box. I noticed I was still wearing my work uniform, I shrugged and slipped it off. I laid my shirt by my box and I went to undo the clasp, I opened the box. I stared at the contents for a second before I picked up my razor. I stared at it for a moment, the silver color was pretty to me. I was about to pull up my sleeve when I heard someone open my door. I jumped and threw my razor back into the box and slammed the box shut, I looked around anxiously and threw my work shirt over the box.

"Soda?" Pony asked and shyly looked at me.

"What?" I said and glanced down at my shirt.

Pony got closer to me and looked down at my wrist, he looked up into my eyes. I noticed there were tears in his green eyes, I wondered what was wrong with him. He looked pale but then I remembered he was sick, he had bags under his eyes.

"Pony, are you alright?" I questioned, not wanting him to be upset.

"S-Steve told me you're hurting yourself.." Pony whimpered and wiped away the tears that fell down his face.

I wondered why Steve told Pony that but I sighed, I didn't want to admit this to Pony. He hugged me tightly and sobbed.

"S-Soda, don't hurt yourself anymore. I know you miss me but I'm not worth hurting yourself over.." Pony whispered and took in a shaky breath.

That was the thing, I wasn't even sure if I was hurting myself over Pony anymore. My depression made me think everything was worse than it really was. I thought I was a burden on Darry and the gang and thought I didn't have any real purpose anymore. I was a wreck and I was just a sick mistake, I didn't deserve to live. Pony let go of me and looked into my eyes.

"Soda, I love you and always will but you can't keep doing this to yourself over me." Pony muttered and sniffled.

I wanted to believe Pony, I wanted to believe it was that easy. I wished it was as simple as saying 'no, I'm not going to cut today.' I let Pony grab my hand and slightly pull up my sleeve, he stared at my cuts.

"S-Soda.." Pony breathed in disbelief.

"I know, Pony..I know.." I whispered and looked down at my lap.

Pony slowly ran his fingers over my fresh scars, he looked back up at me. I looked into his green eyes for a moment, the anguish in his eyes were obvious and broke my heart. Suddenly, Pony's lips were on mine. They were there for only a second but it felt so nice to have him for at least a moment.

"You'll be okay, Soda. I promise." Pony said softly and squeezed my hand.

I really wanted to believe I would be okay but I had to wake up alone everyday. I would live my life all way, completely alone. I didn't want to be alone anymore, I didn't want to lose someone I loved again. Pony softly smiled at me and turned to leave, I grabbed his wrist.

"No, Pony, please, don't leave me.." I begged, my voice cracked mid-sentence.

"Soda, I can't stay, Darry will get mad." Pony said quickly and tried to pull his hand away.

I sighed and let him go, "sorry, Pony."

"It's alright, I'll talk to you later." Pony said with a smile and walked out of my room, he shut the door behind him.

I thought of how upset Pony must be at me for doing this to myself, I felt the tears burn my eyes. All I did was hurt people I loved and cared about, I was worthless. I sobbed and laid down on my bed, I buried my face into my mattress. I couldn't stop myself from crying, my heart hurt too much for me to even cut this time. I don't know how long I cried but when I stopped, my nose was stuffed up beyond belief. My voice was nasally afterward so I tried not to talk to anyone. I just wanted to go to bed.

I was laying in bed now, thankful I made it through the way. I stared up at my ceiling, just letting my thoughts drift around like ice. I began to have a lot of suicidal thoughts, I cursed at myself and tried to push them away but I couldn't stop thinking about it. All the different ways I could end it all, all the different ways I could just not exist anymore.

"Damn it, Soda, stop it!" I whispered and groaned.

I rolled over onto my side and shut my eyes, I sighed heavily in annoyance.

"It'll be okay...It'll all be okay.." I muttered to myself, I felt like I was lying to myself.

I slowly fell into a dreamless sleep, not ever wanting to wake up.