- Arizona Hello, Have a sit.
- Thank you Dr. Bennet ...
- Do you want to talk about a particular topic today? Or simply want to talk about your week?
- I think I need to talk about all the painful episodes of my life. I have to analyze them to understand the impact they have on my actual life.
-It is a good point. A special event you want to talk about today?
-Let's Start with the oldest one.
-Which is?
-My brother' death.
- You two were close?
- Very close. We were together all the time ... I ... He was only had 18 months older than me . He was the eldest.
- And did he hold his role?
- Yes of course. We are a from military family and ... We moved very often. He was my guide. I rarely made friends because it was difficult for me to get attached to someone quickly. He was still there. He taught me everything and I was copying him: the kids silly, music, fighting, sport ... I followed him everywhere and he agreed. not like many boy who couldn't stand their little invasive sister.
- Your relationship was ideal?
- In a way! But we have fights, like all sibblings! he broke my wrist once and I set him a black eye more than once.
- Your relationship hasn't changed during your teenage period?
- Not really. We were very close. We hanging out together, often with Marins's children . And I came out to him at the first time. I verbalized my homosexuality to him, I was 14 and I was scared. He understood that I wasn't going well and it help me to confess. I ... He immediately found the right words. He supported me when I told my parents. He always told me not to hide myself, not to be ashame to be who I am and if I had any problems, he would be there to beat up people who would hurt me...
- He was very protective?
- He was, but not in a suffocating way. A real big brother, a friend, a confidant ...
- He is dead in Afghanistan, in a bomb attack. How have you deal with the annoucement of his death?
- A colleague of my father came to ring at the doorbell. ... He was in formal suit and when I opened the door, I understood immeditately what had happened. It's very cliché but ... the world collapsed around me. I fell on my knees and my father came to help me. I don't remember a lot more. I went to the hospital in a post trauma shock. I was on medication when we went to the funeral. So I have only partial memories.
- Want to continue Arizona?
- Yes I need to ...
- How did you handle it?
- It was long, painful and difficult. I was angry to my father. I accused him of forded Tim to join the army. I held responsible for his let him go to this country to war. I was upset with him. And he didn't react to my accusations or insults. He just let it all go. I wanted to have someone to blame, perhaps to soften my pain and my pain … I wanted to fight against sometning or someone...
- What you say here is very important for understanding how you've been reacting to Callie when you lose your leg.
- It's ... True. I need a scapegoat ... It totaly make sense !
- Today you find it simple, but It is a journey that takes time. But be careful, do not generalize it or take this as an absolute truth.
- I don't know ... Saying these things at out loud voice made me realize a lot of things, you know ... Like whan I blame one of my intern for the death of a patient when I worked in Hopkins . It was not his fault ... I followed that kid since he was 3 years old. And he died at 5 years ... natural cause, he was suffering from terminal cancer. But I was so hateful toward this intern ... I've even changed him of service cos the situation was impossible... and I was putting it all on him because losing that patient had really touched me ...
- Do not think this situation works on everything you experienced Arizona.
- When Nick, my best friend told me he was sick and he had wait several years before consulting a doctor, I held him responsible ... I have not try to understand what was going on for him ... I'm so stupid ... I am a coward.
- Not at all. This is something that often we see. Losing a loved one in tragic circumstances always has unexpexted consequences
The discussion continued for an hour, and after it, Arizona joined Teddy for a dinner .She was exhausted by all these revelations but was excited to spent time with her friend to clear her mind. She arrived at the French restaurant chosen by Teddy, and the two friends settled.
- I'm so glad to see 'Zona!
- Me too! We miss you here!
- I'm sure you've already replaced me!
- So Are you! But your new friends are not as awesome as me! No way!
- That's right! I miss you! But tell me everything! What's up ? The last time I spoke to you you were all "I lost the love of my life," but now you seem to have intense discussions with her... in bars ...
- I prefer not talking about Callie currently. But ... I almost lost my minds Teddy. I screwed up ... I think ... I sank ...
- Arizona! Why didn't you called me, or come to see me! You know ...
- That's sweet, but you could not have done anything. I putt myself in this situation, I had to find how to stop it! I cut off with my friends, my family ... I ...
Arizona burst into tears. She realized that she hasn't been far to make a huge mistake.
- I left too many tragic events of my past without mourn, just thinking that It wasn't usefull to do it. I didn't know how to handle it so I put them in a corner of my mind, thinking everything was ok... and everything come bask to me after that fucking accident ...
- Arizona ... I should have been there ! You helped me when I was going wrong. We went out, we had « girl's night », and it was great! You remember?
- Yes ... I was really 'me' at the time: dynamic, fun ...
- It's true that now you are boring and lethargic!
The two friends laughed when Arizona's phone rang. It was a text from Callie, "I hope you 're having a good time. Have fun and take care XXX. " Arizona, let a tear slid down along her cheek.
- What I know is that I'm getting better and better, but the road is still long ...