WARNING: This Fic Contains An Extremely Dangerous Amount Of Stupidity That May Cause Harm. Please Do Not Read If You Are Pregnant, Have A Weak Heart, Or Suffer From Mad Cow Disease. The Author Is Not Responsible For Any Brain Injuries You May Obtain From Reading This. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

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"Hey Everyone! Guess what?" Ed blurted as he burst through the doors of HQ. Several heads turned to face him, several necks cracked from looking so far down.

"What? Did they finally invent the Television?" Havoc asked as he walked over to Ed. Ed laughed and shook his head. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of toast.

"Look, I just carved Vic Mignogna's face out of a piece of toast!" Ed shouted excitedly, holding the oval-shaped bread up for everyone to see.

Breda scoffed, "So what? That's nothing! No one cares about your stupid incredible artist abilities Ed!"

Ed flipped Breda off and marched down the hall. "Screw you people! I don't care what you think, I'm going to go show this to the Colonel!"

Everyone watched him veer around a corner with curious eyes. "Aahh, who's Vic Mignogna?" Fuery asked curiously.

"Vic Mignogna is Ed." Riza replied. Fuery gave her a quizzical look. "He's…what?"

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Ed flung open the door to Mustang's office. "Hey Mustang! Guess what?" He hollered. The Colonel instinctively covered his ears.

"Geez Ed! Could you be any louder?" He seethed. Ed looked thoughtful, "Well…yeah, I guess I could. HEY MUSTANG! GUESS WHAT?"

Mustang screeched and cursed at the blonde. "What Ed? What is it?"

Ed beamed and reached into his pocket to draw forth the oval-shaped piece of toast. "Looky! I just carved Vic Mignogna's head out of a piece of toast!"

Mustang sauntered over to the short blonde and snatched the toast from his hand to scrutinize it. Indeed, it did look a little like Vic Mignogna. But why did Ed carve it out of a piece of toast?

"Why did you carve Vic's head out of a piece of toast?" Roy questioned, handing it back to Ed.

"Coz I was bored…and I like toast!"

"Yes, but why toast? Why not ice? Or clay or rock?"

"Coz toast is FUN! Vic likes toast!"

"…Right. Travis likes spaghetti…" Roy dipped his head, then spun around and returned to his spinning office chair. "You're dismissed Fullmetal."

Ed looked hurt. "But that's not all! I also carved your head!" he fumbled around in his pocket until he produced a second item. A small, brown, oval shaped…

Potato?

"A potato?" Roy wrinkled his nose in disgust. How dare that boy carve his head out of a freakin' potato!

"Yeah, I carved your head out of a potato. See?" Ed held the potato to the light and turned it to one side so Roy could clearly see his magnificent work.

"I'm…I feel nauseas!" Roy stammered, gripping his stomach and bending over slightly.

"Really? Are you pregnant or something?"

"Fullmetal…stop infecting my air with your stupidity!" Mustang snapped.

"Sorry," Ed replied sincerely. He walked over to Mustang's desk and gingerly placed the potato on the surface. "I'll let you keep the Roytato."

Oh God, he even gave it a bloody name! Mustang signaled for Ed to leave the room, which he silently obeyed.

"Good riddance," Roy sighed heavily as he watched the door close. "Now to rid the world of this ghastly…Roytato." He shuddered as he cautiously picked up the Roytato.

He gave it a final glance before opening his mouth wide and popping it inside. He paused for a moment to let the taste sink in, then bit down hard.

"Yum, kind of tastes like potato." He mused, chewing thoughtfully. Suddenly, the door to his office was flung open for the second time that day, and the same blonde Alchemist came flying in.

"You bastard Mustang! What the hell? Why did you eat Mustang?" Ed screamed as he leapt on Mustang's desk and began ominously choking the older man.

"Hrmm naawtt aaytiiin imm!" Mustang mumbled through a mouthful of Roytato. He opened his mouth to prove his point when a small dollop of Roytato slipped through his lips and plopped onto his desk.

Roy and Ed stared at the small dollop with wide eyes. "I...I don't…" Ed mumbled. He turned back to Roy and proceeded to choke him.

"How could you? He was my friend! Why did you eat the Colonel, Colonel?" the blonde screamed. Mustang flailed his arms desperately. Large unchewed pieces of Roytato clogged up his airway, making it difficult to breathe.

"EeeEeddd umm Mmmstaaan!" the Flame Alchemist attempted to rip himself from Ed's iron grip, but it proved futile.

"You narcissistic, obtuse, incompetent, balky, indolence, imprudent bastard-of-a-confidant with an unfathomable God complex!"

"Hrmm huuurin meee!"

"What the Hell is wrong with you, Mustang? What possessed you to eat Mustang?"

"Haaaam shoookiiiin!"

"1 K33L J00!"

BAM! The sound of a gun firing was heard. Ed immediately stopped choking the Colonel and spun around to face none other than…Maes Hughes (Who isn't dead. Who did you expect? Riza Hawkeye?)

"Sweet mother of Crap! Edward, what are you doing?" Hughes hissed as he ran over to Roy's desk and pried the blonde's hands from the Colonel's neck.

"I was choking Mustang! He ate Mustang! Can you believe it? He ate Mustang!" Ed cried, tears streaming down his face. Hughes lifted him off the desk and placed him on the floor.

"Nevermind Ed," he mumbled while running around to the other side of Mustang's desk.

"Come on, get up Roy!" Hughes whispered. He hit the raven-haired man hard on the back several times, until a large, gooey glob of brown shit flew from his mouth. The Roytato whizzed through the air and descended upon Ed, clonking him on the head and knocking him out instantly.

"Ed…you dick!" Roy cursed hoarsely, grabbing his throat and rubbing it. Hughes exhaled in relief. "Thank God you're still alive!"

Roy disregarded his friend and leapt over his desk. He bolted toward the unconscious Alchemist and dug into one of his pockets.

"Roy, you're not gonna rape him, are you?" Hughes gasped.

"No, that only happens in Fanfics," Roy replied. His face lit up when his fingers found the item he'd been looking for. He eagerly pulled it out, then stood up and headed back to his desk, but not before giving the blonde a good, hard kick in the groin.

"What's that?" Hughes asked curiously, eyeing the item.

Roy smirked maliciously and opened his hand, revealing a small piece of toast nestled in the center of his palm.

"Toast? Weird…it sorta looks like Vic Mignogna…"

"It is. Ed carved it." Mustang cackled evilly, "and I'm going to eat it!"

Before Hughes could protest, Mustang shoved the toast into his mouth and swallowed it in less than a second. He licked his lips and gave a content sigh. "Yum, Vic," he murmured.

"I can't believe you just ate Vic…" Hughes gaped.

"I can't believe Ed nearly killed me!" Roy quipped.

"I can't believe the Colonel spat Roytato on me!" Ed added from his unconscious state on the floor.

I can't believe it's not butter!" Envy proclaimed, popping out of nowhere and holding up a container of margarine.

Hughes deadpanned. Roy snatched a rubber chicken from one of his desk drawers.

"Go away or I'll beat you with my rubber chicken!" he hissed ominously. Envy shuddered and obediently exited the room through an open window.

"Wow…strange…" Hughes muttered.

"Yeah…"

"What do we do now?"

"Well…until Ed wakes up…let's carve people's heads out of bars of soap!!"

"Alright!" Hughes clapped excitedly and scurried off to the bathroom to swipe some bars of soap. Roy retrieved two pocket-knives from his desk and ambled over to the still unconscious blonde teenager.

"Until you awaken, I appoint you my seat! Now I shall rest my morbidly obese ass on your face." Roy announced as he sat down on Ed's face. He removed his feet from the ground and leaned his full weight on Ed's head, evoking a small cracking sound.

"Myah, take that bitch! That's for accusing me of eating Mustang!"

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Yup, Definitely Strange. This Is Based On A True Story Too. I Got Really Bored One Night And Decided To Carve Toast People (I Carved Toast Ed, Toast Roy And Toast Al,) It Was Really Fun And Entertaining ( I Have Pictures!) I Hope You Enjoyed This Chapter!