I haven't posted anything in 2 months, and for that I'm sorry. My excuse is that I've been hella busy, my school work seems to be piling up, and family issues...mental health issues. I'm okay, I just needed a while. I'll try to post more, but I can't promise the chapters will be as long as I'd like to make them.

EPOV:

If I'm being completely honest I sort of regret the text I sent her. Not because I now have her number, or because it was a bold sentence that might freak her out. I regret it because even though I meant it I'm not sure if its what she needed. She had just had a terrible date... I'm sure she doesn't want another guy putting himself out there, and stating shes beautiful.

Though, I guess I can't take it back now. My feelings are on a silver platter ready to be delivered to Bella. I can only hope she doesn't ignore them.

I'm also worried about her. Its been around 3 days since I saved her from her date, and she hasn't said anything, I haven't seen her around campus. I just have a feeling that there's something bigger going on with her, just by how afraid she was as we left the restaurant, and how that guy she was with was looking at her. I can't help but wonder if she's okay if her friends cheered her up. If she feels okay now?

I just can't seem to get her out of my head. I thought it was bad before, not knowing anything about her, but it's definitely worse now. It's like I've fed my obsession after you've had a taste you can't get enough right? She must be my personal brand of heroin.

It hasn't helped that all Emmett and Jasper talk to me about is that night. They wonder where I went, why I didn't come home for so long, how I could just let them drive my car like it was no big deal?

To be honest I'm still wondering about that one. I've never let anyone touch my car.

I don't do lots with my free time, classes seem to fly by when I can't pay attention to them. My studying is put on hold because I can't read a textbook to save my life when there's a beautiful brunette to think about.

I used to think that getting a bachelors degree would be amazing, I would get through 4 years in no time. And honestly it was like that for about a year, and then everything just seemed to drag on and on. And I've still got a year to go. I'll have grey hair by the time I graduate. Perfect.

I also seem to have an extensive case of insomnia. I cannot get myself to sleep. The other night I spent an hour and a half completely still with closed eyes, and nothing, I wasn't even yawning by the time I decided to give up. And none of the tricks Google has provided work for me. Warm milk sounds disgusting so I refuse to even try it, and breathing deeply seems like a tv in my ear, it just keeps me awake.

And the big surprise is I don't feel tired during the day either, I honestly can remember the last time I yawned. I'm becoming a vampire. Wouldnt it be easier that way?

It's weird how nothing seems fun anymore, the amazing feeling I had after talking to Bella disappeared. I have no idea what's wrong with me, I have no idea how to stop feeling like none of this is worth anything.

And I cannot, will not stop thinking about Bella. About beautiful little brown-eyed Bella.

I know I could love her, I know that I could give her the moon on a golden platter. I want her to have the best, but I don't think I'm ever going to be enough. I don't think I can be what she needs. I don't know if I'm good enough for anyone really. And I've always had that longing for something other than myself, that longing for a girl that would complete my world as no one else could. I've always wanted to be perfect for my perfect girl. But I can't find that girl, each time I feel like I'm getting close I seem to mess it up. Like I messed up with Bella by sending her that text. I knew I shouldn't have done that. I knew it, and I did it anyway. I'll always mess it up.

I want to love Bella. I want to be her sun, her love, I want to be everything to her. But I cant even get through 4 years of school without feeling like crap. How would I ever have a relationship with her?

So I guess my Bella fantasies should go away because it'll only hurt me more in the long run.

Emmett came over around nine this morning. He told me to get my ass outside, to go over to his house and play some video games or something. He told me to stop being a dickhead and do something productive.

Am I going to listen to him? Probably not.

I like not doing anything with my day, I missed yesterdays classes because I sat reading my book instead of going to a stupid lecture that probably wouldn't have made a difference anyway. I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit school.

Around noon Jasper came over and told me I look and smell like crap. He told me that he knows its been hard for me, that he understands not wanting to do anything at all, but that I should take a shower, go get some coffee and go hang out with him and Emmett. He told me that they're worried, that Emmett was threatening to "drag my ass" out of the house and call mom.

And I probably would have listened to Jasper, because he's a lot smarter than Emmett, but I'm feeling resentful, and he said he understood me. Which was a little dramatic because Jasper doesn't know how it feels to mess everything up because Jasper is a smart smart man and he would never ruin his chances with a beautiful girl with a text.

I want a drink, but I don't feel like going outside, all the people would just annoy me.

I want to text Bella again but I am a huge coward that doesn't understand anything about woman clearly. So I'm not going to say anything to her because she probably thinks I am a huge dickhead who needs to get over himself, and that I need to leave her alone. And honestly, if she said that to my face I would just nod along to her sugar sweet words.

And even though I don't want to move I've finally convinced myself that I need a shower, I stink, and I'm tired of drowning in my own sweat. Also, I really don't want Emmett to call Mom. That would be taking it too far. And I'm not that much of a dumbass.

So I get up and turn on the shower, looking at myself in the mirror, looking at my annoying hair, and the scruff of facial hair that I've let grow out these past few days. I really do look like hell. Extremely like hell, I'm practically the devil himself now.

I step into the cold spray, feeling the dirt and crumbs of all the junk I've eaten wash off. I need to go to the gym, I refuse to grow a gut. I scrub almost every inch of my body, trying to wash not just the dirt but also me off.

I wash my hair, feeling disgusted at the grease. I really need to take better care of myself.

And I will admit that I already feel better. Being clean truly does help everything, I also feel less hopeless, like the water added an extra glow to me.

And just when I'm stepping out theres a knock at the door. Its probably both Emmett and Jasper this time, telling me to get up. So I warp a towel around my waist, sighing and walk over to the door.

Preparing myself to yell at them, and then listen to their concerns, I open the door.

And instead of the big muscly smelly dude, instead of the full head of blonde hair, instead of the "Eddie!" that I'm prepared for, I hear...

"Edward? You're Edward?" the woman in front of me pauses looks me up and down, proabably taking in my semi hairy chest and wet hair, and then she says "girl has good taste."