11
The days had been dragging for both of them but as Jan watched Xena pacing the tiny flat like a caged beast as if to a constant reminder to where she was not and why she was being forced to stay in hiding Jan saw it was definatetly getting her down. it was getting them both down being cooped up like this and she had been trying to get Xena talking so she could learn and keep her mind off the waiting. But Xena hadnt the patience and deeply suspicious of the excuses she gave Xena confronted her on the subject and Jan had to tell her the real reason for doing this." Actually I'm coming back with you." she said crossing her arms looking defiantly at her and the warrior sucked air in surprise." What? " Xena asked her voice riseing with incredulity." Why? No your home now what could you possibly want to go back for? What can you do there that you can't do here ?" Jan looked determined." Have a life. Rhiannon said I." " Rhiannon what's that old witch got to do with it, what's she been saying to you?" " That I could have a second chance if I returned with you. I've nothing here you've seen that and maybe I could have something more, maybe even get a chance at love." Xena rolled her eyes." Who Caro? You knew him for only a few days are you saying your in love with him?" Jan shook her head." No I'm saying I've met a group of people I want to stay with and get to know better and maybe I'll find love as well. It's the best chance than I've ever had in my whole life."
Xena stared at her." That's crazy it's not like anywhere you know and a whole lot more dangerous than you think. Jan smiled." You've seen for yourself people here don't always follow the rules either." Xena growled." That idiot. He was nothing there are more dangerous people than him around, and you wouldn't stand a chance against them. Their killers." " There's some like that here too, I could meet them or not wherever I am. I don't belong here Xena, any more than you." Jan said trying to convince her. Xena pulled Jan up and tried to put into words all her reservations." You don't know what your saying. Warriors kill Jan, some do it for a living some because they want to, they do it for fun. Their used to fighting, used to killing. Bandits came to my town and we were attacked and we had no choice but to fight back or they would have taken everything and made slaves of us, I saw them kill many of my friends and my brother and fighting them I became the same like them a killer. There's no police no backup to aid you, nothing to save you that's how different my world is from yours." she said. Jan glared back." We've the same problem in many parts of the world. So you've killed so what." Jan shrugged. The young woman was playing indiferent. it wasnt the answer Xena expected from her and she nodded." Yes I've killed, I've taken life for good and bad. I'm not proud of it, It's what I am." Xena said thickly. Jan took a deep breath." Would you deny me my chance? " Xena stopped." No but I want you to know it's not the ideal you think it is." Jan sighed." It's not that ideal in this world either but it's worse if you feel you don't belong. You of all people should know that." Then she turned on her heel and stomped to the bathroom.
Jan showered and dressed in her robe and came out and then she made a hot drink and handed a mug to the woman and sat down." It must have been hard standing up to those men." Jan said suddenly to break the silence." Not as hard as you might think." Xena said." The young are strong when the've got convictions and I was too young to see and I thorght I was doing the right thing protecting my town and my people. I still thorght I was doing the right thing when I took the outlying villages to make a barrier and widen the protection but I couldn't judge the rights or wrongs to what I was doing and didn't know to stop. The further I went the further I deviated from the path I'd set on and I became the very thing I'd dispised in the begining."
Jan sighed." You became like them."
" I was them. A mean vicious murderer."
" What changed ? It was Gabrielle of course, I forgot your lovers arn't you. I bet she's good in the sack too. Tell me what do you see when you turn out the light do you see her? is she with you in your dreams? well I see only darkness." Jan nodded to herself. " Get off it Jan." Xena growled full of menace and shook her head as she felt her anger rise and unable to say anymore she turned and went to the bathroom before she lost her temper with her.
Jan began to prepair the food for dinner but what Xena said was still rattling in her head." It's what I am." she said and Jan thorght Xena must have dragged up some awful memories in that altercation they had and she heard the bath running. Oh flip was I really that tactless? to herself and looked to the bathroom expecting at any moment for Xena to fly out and have a go at her. She had seemed pretty ragged off with her as it was and she had made it worse. She hadnt dealt with that very well and the 'chat' with Xena had ended badly. She'd been lucky, she had seen the balled fist ready to deck her and Xena had left to cool off or more truthfully soak it off and she hoped that would relax her enough so she could apologise before she got a fist in the face.
Xena lay in the hot water and felt her anger disperse with the riseing steam and thorght about what Jan had said. She had really hit the target with that low remark about Gabrielle being good in bed but was she was being too hard on her? Was it fair to expect her to stay when she didnt want to? she asked herself. Jan wasnt a kid anymore she was an adult and old enough to make up her own mind. She had guessed something was up on the return from Rhiannon's and she wished she had asked the shamaness when she had seen Jan react then. She should have seen it coming Jan had given no end of hints but she had missed their importance.
She missed Gabrielle so much that she had dreamed of the bard with her in her bed. Having her, tasteing her, watching her writhe in the throes of ecstasy and she had woken with her own body burning with lust and touching on that Jan had triggered that response and Xena had felt it's rise along with her anger. The water carressed her over sensative skin as she poured it over her and watched the ripples glide down her flesh.
Jan didnt hear Xena come out and almost jumped out of her skin when she turned and saw the warrior at her back." Oh you did give me a turn." she groaned her hand to her heart and Xena looked abashed." Sorry."
" It's me who should be saying sorry I mean saying that stuff. I didn't consider your feelings and it must have hurt." Jan said. Xena grinned." You sound just like Gabrielle. Don't worry about it, I just thorght you orght to know how difficult it might be for you. All this." and she waived at the room." Is what you know, what you've grown with are you sure you want to leave it behind ?" Jan nodded." It's just stuff it isn't me. I need this Xena. Rhiannon said I didn't belong and I've always known that, deep down inside. The only difference is I didn'r know what to do about it, but I do now and I just can't ignore it, I have to go." She turned and saved the chops from burning turning them over gently and then put the pan back in the oven and lowered the heat. She'd said she wasnt much of a cook and she was really trying not to mess it up and Xena watched her carefully not that she was interested in the cooking but in Jan.
It was true Jan was lonely, there didnt seem to be anything here for her with no family or close relationships. Perhaps it was as Rhiannon said and she could have a better life. Jan looked at her and laughed." Your so lucky you know to have a lover, do you two?" Her words were cut off as Xena shot an angry look at her. Then Xena's face softened. " Yes I am and we do I guess that's why I'm feeling a bit crabbie. I'm not just scared for her I miss her terribly and your right I feel so lucky to have her." Jan grinned slyly." Get off it. In my life." Xena added." Hey I didn't mean anything." Jan said backing off." It's just you look sort of,, frustrated like you need a good f..." Xena shot her a glance. " That's none of your buisness."
" I mean't no harm I was just interested you know. I had a lover once, but it was just a fling you know nothing serious. Now I just make do. Know what I mean." and Xena nodded remembering the not so satisfying experiances of meaningless flings." I wish I could find.. Well here, no chance." she said sadly." Not in this life." She rose and went to check on the meal." Why?" Xena asked Jan talked as she dished up." I was very young when my parents died in a car accident and I lost everything. I was desperate to grow up and leave the children's home and I thorght losing my cherry would do it, to make me grown up. So when the first boy came along I gave myself thinking he loved me. He boasted about it to his friends and I was laughed at and it sort of put the kybosh on everything after that. It all felt so hollow. Anyway all I do now is work and sleep. I don't have a social life, and I go on a holiday ocasionally but it's always alone, I'm always alone." she said passing Xena the plate." When I landed up with you guys I got closer to people than I have ever been and I want to continue with that I want a new life." She handed Xena the full plate and they began to eat in silence and a while later Xena put the empty plate down and said." I can understand your need for change but so far a change are you sure it's what you want Jan?" The young woman nodded." More than anything." Jan said emphaticly. Xena sighed." Ok, if that's the way it is, so be it."
Sorry for the delay and the shortened chapter. Reviews and feedback are always looked foward to and appreciated.