The Drive

I ignored Jasper, who was sitting in the passenger seat of my car. I didn't even spare him a glance as he pressed the button attached to my visor, which opened the garage doors. Instead, I started my car and took off, still ignoring him. While I ignored his presence, I welcomed the acceptance of my departure. Regardless, I continued to ignore him as I sped down the winding path that connected the Cullen property to the main road. When we reached that road, I increased the speed of the vehicle.

The speed helped to burn off my anger. The feel of speeding was a good way to deal with my anger and yet, at the same time, I allowed myself to dwell on the feeling. I had the right to be angry, and I hadn't had this right in a while. I needed this. Therefore, I let myself be angry.

Just as I was grateful of Jasper's acceptance of my departure, I was grateful that he didn't attempt to play with my emotions. Had he done so, I most likely would have thrown him out the window. As a newborn, I would have the strength to manage that feat. He hadn't, though, which was great, because I continued to want to be angry, and I continued to let myself be angry. Just as he was letting me be angry. The whole experience was strangely therapeutic.

Luckily, it was currently dark out. This gave me a larger window of time to drive. Furthermore, through this experience I gained the idea to get my windows tinted. I came to a known conclusion: being shiny sucks.

We continued driving for a long time. I continued to seethe in my anger, grazing over the other emotions which developed soon after. The hours continued until, finally, I acknowledged the time. I glanced down at the glowing green numbers on the dashboard that indicated it was 4:38 AM. I sighed in defeat. It was time to get my emotions under control. After all, I had humored my anger for several hours.

With deep, pointless breaths, I followed through the first critical steps of Occlumency. Jasper watched me in what I assume was a mix of disbelief and confusion as my emotions slid from anger into a calm, peaceful state. The full process took only 2.68 seconds. I had done this many times in the past, and I was well practiced.

I had no idea where we were. I had taken random turns, driven on odd highways, and had chosen unknown exits. "Would you know where a hotel is?" I asked, my eyes never straying from the empty road.

"Take the next exit." He responded simply. I appreciated the space that he gave me, and I hoped that he would still be my brother when this was over and done with.

We received a cocktail of weird looks from the receptionist who checked us into the bed and breakfast. This was no surprise to me. We were, after all, two physically appealing people, checking into a hotel at nearly five in the morning, with no luggage. However, even anticipating her would-be sly glances, I still longed for the days that I could check into a hotel and just be another forgettable face. I didn't breathe in her scent. From the look of Jasper - a nearly pained look - he wasn't breathing her in either. This look on Jasper was odd, but I supposed it was normal when he was around humans. I felt badly; he wouldn't be here if it weren't for me. He would be at home with his once married bride.

Jasper was quicker to pull out his wallet than I, probably because he only needs to reach into his pocket. I, on the other hand, need to dig through my handbag. This has to be some commercial sexist thing. Regardless, Jasper suffered through the routine of being the unresponsive target of the receptionist's flirting as he was getting our room key.

Soon we were walking into a humbly decorated hotel room. Whomever decided that mustard yellow and pastel pink make a good color combination should be shot… twice.

Abandoning my color oriented thoughts, I flung my purse on a nearby chair and crawled onto the bed. My movements were instinctual. I rested my head on my arm, and my thighs met my stomach as I laid on my side. I was in the fetal position - the position of comfort.

Jasper stood stone still as my index finger traced the pattern on the bedspread. The friction wore a hole right through the fabric. This is when I realized that I was done procrastinating.

"So." I prompted.

"So, what?" He failed horribly at the innocent act that the rest of our family manage so well. He stands too stiffly and awkwardly to manage. At least now, when we are close enough to humans that we can smell them.

Still, I humored him, "At some point or another, Edward must have entertained the idea of telling me the truth. Which means that Alice knows the truth, if not from those thoughts, then from before. Alice doesn't keep anything from you, and she also knew that I would take off. Meaning, you're here to convince me not to be mad at Edward. Or at least you are here to convince me to return." I spoke it all like Luna might, with an airy detachment Even if I were somehow wrong, Jasper would not be upset with me.

"I'm not here to convince you to come back." I curled tighter into my ball. "I get it if you need to take off. Back when Alice and I first joined this family, I used to have thoughts about taking off, all the time." His voice and tone reminded me of how old he actually is. I think I forget sometimes. "Of course, Alice knew and those visions made her sad. Each time she had one, she came to terms with leaving the family, because she knew she would come with me." I stayed silent. I didn't ask the question that was burning in my throat. "Reasonably, she told the others. Esme always looked heartbroken. Carlisle would look like a father that knew a son had to make his own mistakes. Rosalie and Emmett never understood, but Emmett would clasp my shoulder and wish me luck. Edward always thought he understood, but he never did. I received the same looks countless times, but I made myself stop believing that I could ever leave. I did this partly because I knew I would never leave, but mainly because I hated putting Alice through that. Believe me when I tell you that I am the last person who will stand in your way if you feel like you need to take off."

I didn't know where to start thinking. Should I run through my feelings about the Cullens and Hales or should I be planning my island? I decided to plan my island, because rationally I knew I would be heading back to Forks come nightfall.

I would need to buy a boat. A large one, because I would be transporting a lot of books to fill my library. I should construct the library separately from the main house. The ideal weather, which would make me shiny, would mean that the walk wouldn't be a problem. A stone path through deep forests and next to a stream. The main house would be in a Victorian style, but the library would have a Roman air.

Jasper spoke, breaking me away from my thoughts, "You're wistful."

"Is it odd that as I idealize my future - an entirely plausible future - I know I won't make it a reality?"

"Yes." I have a feeling he just chose one of his two options.

"Convince me to go back. Convince me to go home." This was the plea I spoke as I sat up and hugged a pillow to my abdomen.

"You're happy there, even if you sometimes feel guilty for that. You love Emmett, Esme, and Alice. You respect Carlisle and want to open up to him, but you don't know how. You're grateful for my presence, and you have begun to view me as an actual brother. You and Rosalie are amused by each other, which I am curious about. Edward confuses you and also highly unsettles you, which makes getting angry with him seem natural. You also know that your anger is either disproportioned or misplaced." He recited honestly.

This wasn't what I had expected. I also hadn't realized that Jasper would have picked up on the circumstances between Rosalie and I. His attempt to convince me to go back only made my respect and admiration of him grow. What bothered me is that I hadn't realized that my thoughts about Edward had leaked into my emotions. Currently, I don't really care if Edward thinks he knows something after reading Jasper's thoughts later. The only point of this exercise was that I wanted to talk and I decided to take my turn.

I chose to start with Rosalie. "Anything existing between Rosalie and I is directly influenced by our relationships with Emmett. In my favor, I have the unquestionable fact that I have always and will always view him as my brother. I have never and will never be a threat to her. At first she didn't like me at all. I was an annoyance who would do nothing but steal Emmett's attention away from her. However, for Emmett she attempted to be nice. That was rather hard for her, I think." Jasper grinned because he would know.

I continued, "It's a type of dislike generally harbored in females. Guys will normally get possessive or throw punches. Females are much more passive in such matters. I've always been friends with guys, and my best friend was famous. I've been through and lived as the target of those same emotions from many girls. Sure, it had bothered me in some circumstances, but my skin hardened. Coming from Rosalie, my brother's girl, it hurt - more so than it ever had before."

I stopped talking for a few moments, and Jasper and I just stared at the unattractive wallpaper. I started again, like I had never stopped, "The solution to our problem seemed to be a male method; not physically, of course, but it was blunt in nature. I flat out told her that I love the fact that the two of them are together and for Emmett, she and I would need to get along. I told her that I don't know how to get along with girls. I've always been a million times more focused on studies than make-up and shopping. I also told her that I held very little interest in guys, besides the friendship I shared with my boys. Then she told me she is going to teach me about cars."

My story had been lacking a lot, because I wasn't going to tell Jasper the theories I had about the dynamics of Rosalie's and Emmett's relationship. Theories which I had told Rosalie. Jasper was content not to pry any further.

"And Edward?" He asked calmly, now sitting in the bland colored chair. I had to be careful with this answer, because there was no doubt in my mind that it would get back to He-Who-Is-An-Annoyance.

"He angered me, for the obvious reasons. The invasion of privacy and the distrust made me mad, but I had known about that for a while. It had been stewing, but then he tried when I was mad about not being able to perform magic, and I snapped. Rationally, I knew - know - that my anger shouldn't be directed at Edward. But it was so easy to allow myself to embrace that emotion. Edward I could be mad at. Carlisle never would have made a proper target.

"My reasons are stupid and childish. Clearly this is unfair of me, but it is the reason. Edward sometimes makes me feel uncomfortable, because he reminds me of someone else. There was an evil man in the Wizarding world, who was only brought down recently. I was in the center of most of the conflict and dueling. When this man was younger and in school he went by his birth name, Tom Riddle. Even then he was evil and plotting.

"There had been objects that we needed to destroy in order to kill him entirely. One of them I destroyed personally and it had provided me of flashes and images of the boy who had created it. He had brown hair, highlighted with gold tones - the style neat - caramel eyes, immaculate clothes, and defined facial features.

"It is unfair of me but my wounds are too recent for me to not see the physical similarities between the pair. Not to mention the feeling, of being with something dangerous, that they both radiate. His appearance unsettles me. I'll get over it in time, but here, now, and in this situation, it did not make matters easier."

Jasper was quiet and he was searching for the pieces that I hadn't filled in for him. The time had come to change the topic. "Alice wouldn't have sent you to tell me that you would understand if I left. What was her plan?"

"She told me to tell you about our library. She informs me you will have found your haven, and she's only showing you because you would have tortured yourself, and not gone in until your strength is completely under control."

If I hadn't already known I was going to return, her bribery would have worked.