Relationship Advice

Summary: Girls were not really the Marauders thing. Rip aside the good looks and you'd have just another batch of teenage boys—awkward, overly arrogant and a total loser when it came to girls. Still their seven years of Hogwarts had taught them a few things about their gender counterparts and they decide its time to transfer their knowledge to Harry.

"Padfoot?" James sat on the sofa in his living room, a somber expression on his face.

"Prongs?" Sirius sat on the opposite sofa in his best mate's living room, a similarly somber expression on his face.

"I think it's time we give Harry the talk."

Remus, who was sitting with Sirius looked startled. "James, surely he's a bit too young? He barely knows the difference between a woman and a man."

Peter, who was sitting on the same couch as James, looked confused. "What difference?" he asked.

Sirius looked like he wanted to say something but Remus had clamped his hand over Sirius' mouth, effectively shutting off sound.

"Not that talk Moony," James said, as if he had not been interrupted. "I mean the how to get a girl talk." Him and Sirius exchanged grins. They had been preparing for this since the moment Lily had announced that she was pregnant.

Remus rolled his eyes. "He won't understand a thing you guys say."

Sirius shrugged, not at all bothered. "Well aren't you the one that says that er, um, children, er—

"Children learn best when they're young," James provided helpfully.

"Yeah that," Sirius said, his eyes already sparkling like they always did, before a marauder prank. Even the war couldn't stomp out Sirius' mischievous side.

Remus groaned, regretting ever telling the boys that. Of course when he'd said it, he'd meant teaching addition and subtraction, not how to get in a relationship. The poor boy was barely a year old. "Lily won't approve," he said, in a last attempt to sway them. "She might even force you guys to change Harry's nappies." Changing Harry's nappies was a form of torture Lily often used on the boys. At the mention of it, they unconsciously shivered.

James paused for a second, considering what Remus had said and then shrugged. "She's spending the day with Alice. She won't be home 'till night."

"What do you say Peter?" Sirius asked.

Peter looked happy to be involved. "I say we go for it."

James ruffled his hair affectionately. "See, Pete thinks so."

"Three against one!" Sirius yelled, and with that he grabbed Remus who shouted indignantly, and dragged him upstairs to the nursery.

When they finally reached the door, Sirius was panting. "Merlin, Moony," he said, "What on earth have you been eating lately?"

James smirked. "You could have just levitated him, you know."

Sirius glared at him. "Well you could have told me that downstairs."

The two were interrupted by Harry's delighted cry. He had learned a lot of words since his first word of shit, and now his vocabulary ranged to 'Moony,' 'Pafoot,' 'Pwongs,' and 'Womtail.'

"Hello Prongslet," Sirius said, giving the young boy a pat on the head. Harry attempted to do the same thing to Sirius but ended up hitting too hard causing Sirius to let out a yelp.

Remus smiled a bit. "Well let's get this over with, yeah?"

James nodded. "So Harry, do you have your eye on any lady yet?" He wiggled his eyebrows, suggestively.

Remus sighed exasperatedly. "James, how many times have we been over this? Harry—

"Relax Moony," James laughed. "I was just poking fun."

"Though while we're on the subject, that Flora girl looked pretty into Harry," Sirius grinned, remembering the family that had visited last night.

"Padfoot!"

"Sorry, sorry," Sirius said his arms up in surrender. "Anyway, let's get to the point. Harry, you ready for the talk of your lifetime?" Harry nodded eagerly. "First of all, you should always be confident in front of a girl. Don't stutter, it's not cool."

Remus let out a cough that sounded oddly like, 'Prongs.' James blushed.

"If a girl asks if she is fat, never say yes. Even if it's the truth."

"Unless of course, you don't want to be able to walk for a day." Peter said, mournfully.

James nodded in agreement. "Pointy heels in your balls are never good."

Harry nodded, as if in understanding.

"Another thing, never ever mark your territory by stamping her forehead with a spell," Sirius said. Harry shot him a questioning look. Sirius shrugged. "Yeah I thought it was jealousy was supposed to be attractive too."

Peter grinned. "Remember that time when James charmed Lily's head to read, Property of the Very Sexy James Potter?"

Sirius grinned too. "Yeah he was in the Hospital Wing for a week after that one."

James ruffled his hair, an old habit. "I still don't understand why she got mad over that. I thought it was a pretty clever spell. It took me a month to learn it."

Remus rolled his eyes but didn't comment. Harry giggled.

"Hm… what else?" Sirius scratched his head, thinking.

"Never charm a singing quaffle to follow the girls of your dreams. Even if you spent an hour thinking of the lyrics."

"Never tell the Fat Lady to not let a bird in until she goes out with you."

"Never trust your best mate to deliver a message from you." Sirius coughed indignantly.

"Never call her a pet name for a snack."

"Like pumpkin pasty," Peter chimed in helpfully.

"Or cockroach cluster," added Sirius with a snigger.

"That was in third year!" James said, reddening slightly.

"Never tell her she's like the weather because they're both hot. Especially if it's cloudy outside."

"Never give the excuse that you lost your teddy bear to sleep with her. Teddy bears are not manly."

"Hey there's nothing wrong with teddy bears!" James cried.

"Why, do you sleep with one Prongs?" Sirius teased.

"Shut up!" James blushed. "You know I'm emotionally attached to it."

"You sleep with a teddy bear?" Remus asked, looking interested.

Sirius nodded. "He cuddles with it every night. He even gave it a name, right James?" James glared at him. "He named it Mrs. Prongs. And he gives it a kiss every night."

"That's enough," James said loudly. "Let's go back to Prongslet here."

Moony, taking pity on the animagus said, "Right. Well always pay her compliments when you can."

James smiled appreciatively at his friend. "If you're ever low on them, ask her if she's a veela in disguise. Works like a charm."

"Isn't that the one you used on Lily?" Peter asked.

"Yeah and then she gave Prongs long blonde hair and a skirt with a sticking charm on it." Sirius added.

"That was completely unnecessary," James said.

Sirius shrugged. "Anyway Prongslet, more relationship advice, let's see. Avoid trying to shag on the first date, don't ask if her family is rich, don't—

"Mommy Fwower!" Harry squealed.

Sirius grinned. "Yeah Prongs did a lot of these to Flower—

"Mommy Fwower!" Harry yelled again.

"Hello there, boys," a voice drifted from behind them. The Marauders turned around in unison and winced. It was Lily. She gave them a pleasant smile. Too pleasant.

James gave her a forced smile in return. "Well aren't you back early, love?"

"Well I decided to come home a bit sooner than expected. You know to make sure you weren't doing exactly what you are!"

James groped for some of the relationship advice they had just gave Harry. "Er, well you're beautiful."

"As pretty as a flower," Sirius said.

"As smart as Einstein." Remus added.

Peter cowered as Lily turned on him. "Er, um, as tasty as a er, marshmallow?"

"Wrong answer, Pettigrew," Lily said with an evil grin. "Well, Harry's nappy is getting a bit stinky, don't you think? So, which one of you boys is first?"

They all gulped.

Girls were really not a Marauder thing.