Chapter Eleven:
Control
"Elizabeth Esme Mason," Edward suggested. It was the first thing any of them had said in a while. "That way people won't be reminded that much of you as a human."
The three of them had been trying to come up with a name that Esme could use while they lived in Ashland. Esme had spent every day hunting; feeding until she could drink no more. She had gotten more excited and nervous as the week wore on and now, Saturday morning had arrived. They would venture into town shortly, early enough that not many people would be wandering the streets.
"Are you sure you want me using your mother's name?" Esme asked, unsure.
Edward shrugged. "It was the only thing I could come up with."
Edward had been the most uneasy about Esme going into town. He didn't want her to fail...and as much as she promised him that she wouldn't, they all knew that if anything were to happen, they would leave that night.
"Are you sure you want to do this, Esme?" Edward asked for nearly the thousandth time.
"Yes, Edward." She replied.
Carlisle had been silent awhile. He sat in one of the armchairs, his chin resting on his folded hands as he stared at the ground. His golden brows were furrowed as he mulled over something.
"Carlisle, are you sure we should let her do this?" Edward was really worried.
Carlisle's eyes flickered to Esme's as Edward called him out of his reverie.
"You just need to believe you can do this, Esme." He said calmly before glancing up at the clock. "It's nearly nine; would you like to go now?"
"Just one more hour," Edward practically begged. He had never looked so much like the teenager he was.
"Esme?" Carlisle asked.
"One more hour," she agreed.
And so they sat back and waited. Esme nearly drowned in her nervousness. She knew that Carlisle would be fine if she decided to back out now, and based on how Edward was acting, she was sure he would be thrilled if she decided to stay home.
The room was silent, save for the ticking of the clock; Carlisle was the only one who seemed calm.
He's always calm, Esme thought with a faint smile. She watched as he bowed his head over his folded hands and closed his eyes as if he were praying. Esme suppressed a sigh as Edward rolled his eyes.
The boy twitched like a human – tapping his feet and straightening his tie. Edward could be so impatient sometimes...
"Where would we go if this...doesn't end well?" Esme asked nervously, staring at her hands.
"Rochester," Carlisle answered without a second thought. "We would be moving there anyways when we have lived here long enough."
They lapsed back into silence – waiting. Esme looked up at the clock on the mantle every few seconds, becoming more and more nervous as time wore on. Edward snickered at something and covered his mouth as he shook with silent laughter, shaking his head. Esme glanced at Carlisle, assuming that Edward was laughing at a thought that had passed through the doctor's head, and found him staring at the ground with his mouth hanging open slightly.
"Esme?" Edward asked, still chuckling. "Have you read that book I gave you a few months ago yet?"
"No," Esme admitted. "Why?"
Edward shrugged. "I just thought you would be interested in some of the myths."
"Oh, I'll have to read it when I get back then."
Carlisle stood, brushed out the wrinkles in his shirt and waistcoat and straightened his tie. "We better go now." He said, offering Esme his hand.
A smile drifted across her lips as he helped her up – always the gentleman. They strolled into the foyer, walking slower than usual. Edward lingered behind for a few seconds before grabbing his coat along with the others.
"Ready?" Carlisle asked her as he touched the doorknob.
"Yes," Esme nodded, suddenly feeling more unsure than she had ever felt.
Carlisle opened the door, allowing the brisk morning air to flood into the house. Edward stepped outside first and Esme sighed; that was how it was going to be all morning – one always in front of her and one always behind her.
Esme followed Edward to Carlisle's car before they all got in. Edward was about to get in the passenger seat when Carlisle spoke.
"Maybe you should sit in the back with Esme." Carlisle suggested, "Just in case."
Edward thought about that for a moment. "Maybe you should, Carlisle. You have more control."
Carlisle nodded before handing the keys to Edward and slipping into the back beside Esme.
"Tell us if it gets to be too much," Carlisle told her. "We'll understand."
"All right," Esme nodded, taking a deep breath.
Edward started the car and backed out of the driveway. For the moment, anticipation seemed to outweigh her anxiety. She was about to venture back into the world of humans and if she succeeded, she no longer had to live her days in the confinements of the doctor's property.
They drove through forests and passed over a bridge where a stream trickled beneath. Esme could hardly contain her excitement; she pointed out every little thing...and as Edward rolled his eyes, Carlisle still shared in her excitement.
Esme was musing over a deer they had just seen looking out of the forest when she caught the first scent of humans. She stopped mid-sentence and clenched her fists, squeezing her eyes shut. Already, venom pooled in her mouth and she felt her humanity slipping away...but before she was fully gone, Carlisle pulled her out of it.
"Hold your breath." Carlisle ordered gently.
Esme did as she was told, but she could still taste that mouth-watering scent on the tip of her tongue. She had to track that scent down...
"Esme," again, Carlisle pulled her out of her demonic state, this time taking her hand in his. His fingers entwined in hers were the only thing that seemed to keep Esme in place. She opened her eyes slowly and peered out the window. Humans strolled down the street, pausing and talking happily with each other, drifting into buildings and enjoying the morning. Carlisle and Edward exchanged a few words, but Esme wasn't listening; no, she was too fixated on the pulsing blood beneath each and every human's flesh. Her eyes widened, and she swallowed a mouthful of venom. Her throat burned. Even if she held her breath it was still delicious. If only she could get her hands on one of them...
And there she was again, being snapped out of this dreadful state by Carlisle. It was actually quite amazing how he could do that to her. His fingers tightened around hers slightly and her head snapped up. Her gaze settled on Carlisle's eyes and suddenly she couldn't smell that mouth-watering scent, or taste that delicious blood. Carlisle must have been an angel – a miracle worker of sorts.
"You're doing wonderful, Esme." Edward spoke up. Esme frowned; this had not been the voice she wanted to hear.
"Are you in control?" Carlisle asked, his voice like a precious medicine to her ears, stopping her from doing something she would later regret doing. "Do you want to turn around?"
Esme shook her head. "Just don't let go of my hand." She practically pleaded. She knew that if his hand left hers, no one would be able to stop her from attacking the closest human.
"I promise," he vowed gravely.
"I'll park just outside of town and if Esme thinks she has enough control, we can try walking in." Edward said as he turned a corner.
"Is that all right, Esme?" Carlisle asked. Esme nodded, not entirely confident in speaking any more than she had to at the moment.
Esme kept her eyes fixated on her hands as they drove further out of town...well, more like she studied Carlisle's hand. It was so...large compared to her hand. With smooth, slender fingers and a certain gentleness to the way he held her hand...
Edward sighed as he heard the thoughts pass through her head; but she couldn't help it – she was mesmerized just by the sound of his voice.
Edward parked the car and turned around in his seat. "Do you want to walk into town?" He asked.
Esme allowed herself to breathe again; first a little sniff – and once she found the air to be clean – a deep breath.
"I think I'm in control." Esme said. "Let's just try it."
Edward hesitated before opening his door getting out of the car.
"Are you sure?" Carlisle asked.
She nodded, and Carlisle opened the door. They both stepped out into the fresh air and Esme took another deep breath. She suddenly admired Carlisle more for being able to not only work around humans all day, but be around fresh blood without feeling an ounce of temptation.
"How do you manage?" Esme asked quietly, half to herself.
"I've had years of practice," Carlisle said. "Esme, this is only your first try and you're doing so well."
"I am?" She asked in disbelief. Carlisle nodded, grinning.
"All right, let's try getting closer," Edward said, nodding towards town.
"Wait," Esme suddenly remembered something. "What's my story going to be – why am I here?"
The three of them thought for a moment.
"You're a close family friend who has come to visit-"
"The two handsome Cullen men," Edward grinned goofily.
Carlisle rolled his eyes. "And – when you start going into town more often – you'll decide to stay with us permanently because you thought it would be nice for us to have a female presence in the house."
"All right," Esme nodded. "My name is Elizabeth Esme Mason and I'm a family friend who's visiting, got it."
"Maybe you two shouldn't hold hands like that." Edward chimed, trying –and failing – to keep a smile off his face. "I don't think people would appreciate you courting a woman who has just arrived in town, Carlisle...maybe give her your arm so it doesn't look that serious."
Carlisle's expression mirrored Esme's – they were both staring at Edward with their jaw dropped and their eyes half crazed and half embarrassed.
Carlisle stuttered something inaudible and Esme let go of his hand quickly and reluctantly before Carlisle offered her his arm, which she took much too eagerly. She ducked her head in embarrassment.
"There, that's better." Edward nodded with approval, acting like a father chaperoning his daughter. He turned on his heel and began walking.
"He made me break my promise," Carlisle whispered to her, frowning. "I promised I wouldn't let go of your hand."
"I was the one who let go, so technically you didn't break your promise," Esme smiled in reassurance.
Carlisle sighed and smiled kindly. "Just remember not to wander off or venture out of my sight unless Edward is with you...but be sure to tell me first so I know where you two are going."
"I promise," Esme smiled.
"Now we better start walking so we can catch up to Edward before we get too close to any humans." Carlisle placed his trilby hat on his head. Esme suppressed a sigh – he had just combed his lovely blond hair, why put a hat on? Her answer popped into her mind right after she had asked herself that question – to keep up human appearances, that's why the vampire wore a hat even though the chilly November air didn't bother him – it was to make him seem human. Edward was wearing a hat of his own; a plain gray newsboy cap that sat on top of his messy bronze hair.
The three of them walked at a steady pace, as if they were out enjoying the morning. Esme concentrated on the hand that held Carlisle's arm to keep her mind off the scent that became stronger with every step. If she focused on the fact that her hand was resting on his bicep, the scent would become only a faint bother in the back of her head.
As they stepped onto the sidewalk that led through downtown, people began to stare. The scent of blood grew stronger and stronger until Esme's throat seemed to be in flames. She clutched Carlisle's arm tighter and he looked down at her with concern.
"We can turn around, if you like." He offered softly.
"I'm fine." She said quickly before holding her breath.
They continued to stroll down Main Street, Edward walking closer to Esme than usual. Luckily, they had not passed any humans yet – all those they had seen had been walking on the other side of the street, yet that didn't stop the humans from stopping and staring.
Esme looked around at the scenery – the buildings, the trees, the lake in the distance. She had almost been completely distracted when Carlisle and Edward stiffened. She turned her head to face the direction they were walking and saw two young women and a young man walking towards them.
"Don't breathe," Edward ordered quietly. "If they ask you anything, either let me or Carlisle reply, or use brief sentences that won't take up too much oxygen."
Esme looked up at Carlisle in worry.
"I won't let you hurt anyone." He said gently. Esme placed a polite smile on her face as the trio got closer, though she made sure to always be highly aware of her surroundings.
The two women's smiles brightened as they got closer, the young man smiled politely, though he seemed to stiffen.
"Good morning, Doctor Cullen." The women said in unison, blushing noticeably as they greeted the handsome doctor.
"Good morning," Carlisle smiled politely, tipping his hat. Edward removed his own hat and nodded in acknowledgement before placing it back on his head.
The women blushed and giggled as they passed, and Esme caught the young man rolling his eyes. Obviously, Doctor Cullen's affects were known throughout the town.
A new kind of emotion seemed to flood Esme's mind. It was an unpleasant and brutal emotion – one in which she felt like attacking those women with no rational reason. Esme tightened her hand around Carlisle's arm and clenched her teeth.
"Carlisle, I think I'll take Esme to the park for a little while." Edward said, sounding slightly worried.
"Oh, all right." Carlisle said, sounding somewhat reluctant. "I have to run a few errands anyway...I'll meet you in about half an hour."
Edward offered Esme his arm which she took easily...but she still held onto Carlisle's arm tightly.
Edward cleared his throat and Esme smiled sheepishly, letting go of Carlisle's arm.
"Right, then," Carlisle smoothed his coat. "I'll see you in half an hour."
Esme watched as Carlisle walked away, before she turned her attention to an amused Edward.
"You know, what you said about us holding hands was not funny." She scolded. "That was embarrassing."
"I thought it was rather hilarious." Edward smiled crookedly. Esme sighed and rolled her eyes – such a mistake that was, for when she exhaled, the potent scent of blood flooded her mouth. Her eyes slipped shut involuntarily and she savoured that delicious taste on her tongue. Carlisle wasn't around to pull her out of her awful state this time. "Esme?" Edward asked worriedly.
A low growl was building in her throat as she prepared to attack – just one lunge and she could sate her thirst.
"Edward," her human self managed to say from somewhere. "Get me out of here."
Edward kept his hand glued to his side so Esme couldn't escape and quickly led her down the street and into the park on the lakeshore. No humans were around, none of them finding the weather warm enough to enjoy a stroll in the park.
"That was terrible." Esme heaved, taking deep breaths, filling her lungs with the clean air. "I thought I was going to attack someone. Who was walking towards us anyways?"
"A family," Edward frowned, "A husband and wife with their two sons."
"Oh dear," Esme covered her mouth with her hand and shook her head.
"That was actually quite incredible what you just did there." Edward praised. "You were able to get away from those humans before you attacked."
"I don't know how I did it." Esme said quietly.
"How did you manage to control yourself before?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowing. "I mean, I know you just focused on Carlisle, but was that really all it took?"
"Yes," Esme admitted. He has some kind of power over me, Edward. She added in her thoughts, knowing that she wouldn't be able to say that out loud.
Edward sighed as they sat down on a bench; he pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, shaking his head. "To be honest, I didn't believe you would do as well as you did." He admitted.
"Somewhere in the back of my mind, I felt the same way, too." Esme said as she watched a pair of teenagers walking across the street. There scent touched Esme's nose faintly. "Edward, distract me."
"All right, um..." He rubbed his chin as he thought. "Do you know why I burst out into laughter this morning back at the house?"
"No, why?" She honestly hadn't given much thought to that, but now that she remembered Edward's struggle to control his snickers and Carlisle's distraught expression, she was curious.
"Well," Edward chuckled. "You know the saying, 'an apple a day keeps the doctor away'?"
"Yes,"
"Carlisle was remembering when he had given you the apple when the saying popped into his head. He hopes you didn't take that gesture as an offence...of course, I think only Carlisle would read into it that deeply." An endearing crooked smile formed on his lips.
"Carlisle thinks that I would believe when he gave me the apple, it was a sign of saying he wanted me to stay away from him?" Esme asked, giggling.
"Yes, and he hopes that you realize that that was not the case...speaking of apple's," Edward pulled a book out from his inside pocket, "You still need to read this."
"How does that have to do with apples?" Esme asked, her eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
Edward shrugged. "You might want to read the pages I've dog-eared – those are pages I've found most interesting."
Esme took the book from him and sighed as she opened it to the first page Edward had marked. There was a picture of a bright red apple clasped in the hands of a woman. Esme peeked up at Edward and saw him smiling faintly as he watched the traffic.
Apples appear in many religious traditions, often as a mystical or forbidden fruit...
The page began.
One of the problems identifying apples in religion, mythology and folktales is that the word "apple" was used as a generic term for all (foreign) fruit. For instance, in Greek mythology, the Greek hero Heracles, as a part of his Twelve Labours, was required to travel to the Garden of Hesperides and pick the golden apple off the Tree of Life growing at its center.
Esme sighed and looked up at Edward.
"Keep going," he nodded towards the book. "You may find something interesting in there."
The Greek goddess of discord, Eris, became disgruntled after she was excluded from the wedding of Peleus and Thetis. In retaliation, she tossed a golden apple inscribed 'For the most beautiful one' into the wedding party. Three goddesses claimed the apple: Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite. Paris of Troy was appointed to select the recipient. After being bribed by both Hera and Athena, Aphrodite tempted him with the most beautiful woman in the world, Helen of Sparta. He awarded the apple to Aphrodite, thus indirectly causing the Trojan War.
The apple was thus considered, in ancient Greece, to be sacred to Aphrodite, and to throw an apple at someone was to symbolically declare one's love; and similarly, to catch it was to symbolically show one's acceptance of that love –
Esme's eyes widened as she looked up at a grinning Edward.
"And if I'm correct, that apple is still sitting on your dresser." Edward tapped his chin in mock thought. "But I can't be sure as it would have probably rotted by now."
"But he didn't toss an apple to me." Esme said quietly.
"But he handed it to you, and you took it."
"Well, yes, but..."
"But what?"
"But, it's not the same." Esme turned her head away from Edward's gaze. "Besides, Carlisle would never love me."
"Why not, you're a respectable woman."
"It's just not possible," she frowned. "He deserves someone much better than I am." Edward didn't say anything for the longest time, and when she looked up at him, he was grinning from ear to ear. "What is it?"
"I believe you." The grin wouldn't leave his face.
"I beg your pardon." Had he just agreed that Carlisle deserved someone better?
"No, listen." Edward held his palms up. "I believe that you love him."
"You do? Why?" Finally after almost three months, he believed her when she said she loved Carlisle Cullen.
"In saying that he deserves someone better says that you would let him love someone else if it meant he was happy, no matter what that would do to you." The grin faded as his face turned serious.
"It would kill me, but I would hate to see him upset."
"On the other hand," Edward countered. "You have yetto see him upset. There are still things that you need to learn about him."
"You just said you believed that I love him."
"Yes, I do. I believe that by this point, it's passed infatuation...but are you willing to spend even the worst moments of your life by his side – through the hard times and the arguments and disagreements and annoyances? When you're willing to do that without a second thought, then I'll believe that it's the true love that you make it out to be."
Esme was about to answer him when Carlisle came into view. Another woman passed him and he tipped his hat, leaving her blushing.
"And here we see our dear town's unsuspecting ladies man – a title that has been given to him without him even knowing." Edward said in an English accent. Esme covered her mouth to hide her laughter; yes, it was true that Carlisle seemed to be unaware of the affect he had on most women. "Back so soon?" Edward asked him.
"Yes, I had fewer errands to do than I thought...how's Esme?" He asked, sounding concerned.
"Extraordinarily brilliant," Edward complimented. "She was even able to stop herself from attacking."
Esme smiled sheepishly and ducked her head.
"Would you like to go home?" Carlisle asked her in a low, gentle voice.
"Yes, please." She whispered, nodding.
Carlisle offered Esme his arm which she took eagerly. She saw Edward smirk out of the corner of her eye, but it didn't bother her – she was just happy to be holding onto Carlisle again. Her knees seemed to get weaker with every step she took, her mind feeling flustered as she lost her train of thought...she couldn't remember the last Carlisle had ever had that much of an effect on her. And his scent – oh how wonderful it was!
A low growl came from Edward, and Esme looked up at him in concern.
"Humans," Edward stated quietly as two men and a woman walked towards them.
So it hadn't been Carlisle that had had so much of an effect on her; it had been the smell of blood that had caused her to feel lightheaded and giddy. Esme suddenly stopped breathing and tightened her grip on Carlisle's arm.
"Don't worry," Carlisle whispered soothingly.
"Doctor Cullen, Edward," one of the two men smiled.
"James, how are you this morning?" Carlisle asked easily.
"Fine, thanks, and yourself?"
"Wonderful," he answered kindly, Edward smiled politely.
"I didn't realize you had a friend visiting," the other man said, removing his hat. "I'm George Fletcher."
"Elizabeth Mason," Esme answered as naturally as she could.
"Elizabeth is a family friend." Edward said. "She wanted to see what life was like out here in Ashland."
The woman scrutinized Esme in a way she must have thought was inconspicuous and frowned. Edward hid a snicker as he cleared his throat – something in the woman's thoughts must have been amusing, Esme would have to find out what it had been later.
"Enjoy your stay," George smiled kindly. "I hope we'll be seeing you again."
Carlisle stiffened slightly, not enough for the humans to notice but it was enough to get Esme's attention.
"Have a nice day," Carlisle nodded politely before the trio walked away. "Are you all right?" Carlisle asked Esme.
"Yes, but can we go home now? I need to hunt."
"Right away," Carlisle said as they began to walk. "I think George Fletcher likes you."
"How can you tell?" Esme asked.
Carlisle shrugged. "The way he just acted was...different than when I've talked to him before."
"And I can read his mind," Edward said. "So I know he likes you."
"Why did the woman look bitter?" Esme asked innocently, although she could probably think of why.
Edward smirked but continued on anyway. "She didn't like how close you were standing to Carlisle. She's been infatuated with him ever since we've moved here."
Carlisle ducked his head and smiled sheepishly, and Esme guessed – had Carlisle been human – that his face would be a dark shade of red at the moment.
"Esme?" Edward questioned. "Do you think we should stop talking about Carlisle's affect on women?"
Carlisle ducked his head even more and laughed nervously. Esme frowned up at the boy.
"That's enough, Edward." Esme attempted to the stop him from humiliating his father any further.
"Hmmm, surely he has an effect on you too, Esme, I mean, you can't be the only one in town that's immune to his charm." Edward grinned mischievously.
Carlisle raised his head a little, cocking it to the side as he waited for her answer.
"Well...um..." She thought of a way she could avoid the question. If she didn't answer, then Carlisle would know that she also suffered from being breathless every time he smiled, but if she did answer than she would have to lie...and that wasn't fair to him.
Suddenly, a large group of humans wandered by – two large families out for a picnic. Even Edward looked as though he had to hold his breath.
"Carlisle," Esme cried quietly.
"I know," Carlisle replied.
They all started to walk faster, but they could only walk so fast without seeming inhuman.
"Carlisle, take her hunting. I'll get the car." Edward said.
Carlisle nodded, his expression grave. Edward walked off in the other direction as they looked around to see if anyone was watching.
They fled into the forest, sprinting away from the town and into the wilds. Esme filled her lungs with the precious clean air. The scent of humans was almost gone as the bitter chill filled her nostrils, wiping away all temptation.
"Esme," Carlisle tugged on her hand, slowing them down to a halt. They had been running for five minutes, the town already far behind them. "Esme, you did it." A smile spread across his face.
"I did?" She was in such shock that it was hard to believe she hadn't killed any humans at all.
"Yes," he was grinning, laughing breathlessly. "You were wonderful."
She felt her mouth turn up at the corners as she grinned from ear to ear, sharing in Carlisle's breathless laughter.
Without thinking, Esme wrapped her arms around him, pulling him closer. To her pleasant surprise, Carlisle embraced her easily, and just as eagerly. It was intoxicating being this close to him – and she had been at his side for the better part of the morning. His scent wrapped around her just like his strong arms did. Esme rested her head against his chest and closed her eyes, feeling perfectly comfortable and content in the moment.
"I'm so proud of you," she could feel his voice vibrating within his chest. "You've come such a long way in only half a year."
"Because of you," she whispered quietly.
Esme pulled away slightly, though she kept her arms securely around his waist. "You couldn't have believed in me the whole time," she said. There must have been at least one time where he had his doubts.
"Most of the time, yes I did believe in you...but Esme, it is more important if you believe in yourself. If you believe you can do something, it shouldn't matter what other people think." His wise, beautiful eyes smouldered as he gazed down at her.
Esme opened her mouth, words forming automatically on her tongue. She almost said those words, she almost spilled her heart out right there; and she most certainly would have, had the sane part of her mind not stopped her. Esme bit her tongue and cringed inwardly, feeling defeated.
"We should probably go hunting now," Carlisle frowned. "I assume it has been a tiring morning for thee."
It was a simple slip of the tongue, yet the little word that he must have used in each sentence as a human had reminded Esme just how much she enjoyed his voice. The little mistake was wholly endearing.
"Yes, it has been." But she couldn't help the smile that spread across her lips.
"Hello, hello," Edward called as he stepped into view, "Long time, no see."
He smirked as he got closer, raising an eyebrow. Esme smiled sheepishly and released Carlisle, feeling empty as soon as she dropped her arms.
"You, dearest Esme, deserve a treat." Edward grinned. "The first mountain lion is on me, free of charge. Besides, you might need to keep your control up if you want to see that George Fletcher again."
Esme giggled and rolled her eyes. Carlisle chuckled, too, though he seemed to stiffen at the sound of the man's name.
Carlisle offered Esme his hand which she took eagerly. She smiled as he held her hand tightly, almost as if he was afraid to let go. Oh, how she wanted to tell him that George Fletcher was the least of his worries – how could she love another man while Carlisle was in her life? Even if he hadn't saved her, he had still made a lasting impression while she was human that no man would ever fulfill.
"Just a few more months and you'll be able to go out into town without fear of attacking anyone." Carlisle told her softly.
Esme liked that idea. She couldn't wait until her control matched that of her companions, though a part of her shied away from venturing out without Carlisle at her side. She had learned to control herself around humans; all she needed to do now was learn to control her daydreams...
As I'm writing this, I am also packing for my trip to Columbus (Yes, that's right, Esme's hometown :)) I'm proud of myself for actually writing a good-sized chapter. Let me know what you thought, and I'll see you next week. Oh, and the little bit that Esme's reads about Greek mythology is actually from wikipedia...so yeah.