Entry #11

I was surprised at how much London had changed in the year I'd been gone. We made a stop by Coal Hill on the way to the Ferris wheel and wow! That was a shock! It was a definitive sign that the decision I'd made was the correct one. I could never go home again. And that's ok. Because I've decided its time. Time to return to Gallifrey. Time to face the Raven again. But don't worry. I won't be going anywhere until I finish addressing this rumor!

I half-assed read at my book of Shelley while I waited for the Doctor to return. At any moment I expected to hear the front door creaking open. What I didn't expect to hear was the sound of the Tardis materializing in the other room. In his bedroom to be precise!

I barged into his room and shoved open the Tardis door. Imagine my surprise when the door stopped halfway and my shoulder slammed into it! A painful sounding moan soon followed. Only, it wasn't me. I looked behind the door and I found the Doctor there clutching his nose. I rubbed at my own, sure to be bruised, right shoulder and thought about laughing at the situation. That was until I saw drops of blood appearing on the stark white front of his dress shirt.

"Sorry, sorry!" I hovered around him. "I didn't know you'd be coming out so quickly."

"Obviously," he replied , his Scottish voice now sounding heavily nasal.

"How can I help?"

"Handkerchief," he gave his head a bob to the right. "Pocket."

I reached into the right front pocket of his jacket coat and pulled out several of his new handkerchiefs. "Here you go." I held them up to his nose. He gave me a muffle 'thanks' and then made a quick path to the kitchen. I was on his heels and I stood beside him at the sink basin as he removed the wadding and assessed the damage to his nose.

"Is it bad?" I asked cautiously.

He didn't reply. He just placed his thumbs on either sided of his nose and applied pressure till I heard a noise that made me wince. He then pumped out enough water to rinse his face and dried himself off on a towel lying near the basin. When he turned to face me I could tell he was already starting to heal. The bleeding had stopped and only the remaining redness to the skin hinted that anything had happened. He stared at me, and I had a hard time reading the look on his face.

"I've survived the time war, the Pandorica, and even Trenzalore. But I do wonder sometimes if I'll survive you…Clara Oswald."

"Aren't you exaggerating just a bit?""

He replied with a slow blink and an enigmatic smile. It was his semaphoric way of telling me he was teasing.

"So…the Tardis…in your room. Why?"

He hesitated, and I could tell he was trying to find the right words to tell me something I probably wouldn't want to hear.

"She's still here."

Well that was confusing. "She who? Isabella?"

"What? No…Missy. Whatever she's orchestrating here only started with Jane Austen. That was just to get our attention."

"What makes you think she's still here? You've had your Tardis scanning for her Tardis since we found the burned out cottage. There's been no detection, no alarm."

"Well, she may not be here at the moment, but that's because she's playing the long game."

"The long game?"

"Yes. I discovered her meddling when I finished running the genetic comparison."

"What did you find?"

"Hmmm." His lips became pinched in an uneasy grimace. "Awkward." He turned and paced off a few steps before stopping at the doorway. He ran his right hand down the door facing, pretending to inspect the wood so he could avoid eye contact with me. "Isabella has been overdosed with pheromones; Time Lord pheromones."

"Uh…wha..?" I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "Do…do you mean to tell me your psycho friend killed Jane Austen just so she could…, I can't believe I'm gonna' say this….get a 'rise' out of you?" (Yes reader, I used visual air quotes to emphasis the word to him.)

He looked away; this obviously embarrassed him to no end. To diffuse the awkwardness, I grabbed a tin of biscuits and tossed it down on the table. I pulled up a chair and ordered him to "Sit!"

He sat, and proceeded to fiddle with the biscuit tin.

I sat down across from him. "She has your number. Why doesn't she just call you?"

He leaned back in his chair and snapped his cookie in half. "Because where's the fun in that?"

Fun! The thought of that pissed me off. "Is that all I am to you two? A puppy or a pawn in some perverted game?"

That got his attention and he frowned at me. "No. Never. Not to me." He offered me half of his biscuit as contrition and we ate in silence.

As I sat there another questions popped into my head. "Why didn't your sonic pick up on the pheromones in Isabella when you scanned her?"

"Funny thing about that…," he gave a half laugh. "I've never had the need to install Time Lord genetic parameters."

I had to agree with him on that. "Makes sense. You gonna fix that now?"

He reached for another cookie. "Already have."

"So…now what?"

"Now," he mumbled through a mouthful of biscuit. "I get back to work." He pushed away from the table and started to stand.

Where the hell was he going? "Doctor, you can't ignore this; you need to do something!"

"I have, I've pushed the Tardis' perimeter out to surround the cottage. Neither she nor her Tardis can get through and I still have my Tardis scanning for Artron energy. If she materializes anywhere on this planet the alarm will sound."

"That's it?"

"Yep." He headed back to his writing desk, cookie in hand.

"At least go and change your shirt!" I yelled after him.

….

Two weeks later, the Doctor finished copying Persuasion, and he nearly made it into the first chapter of Sandition before all hell broke loose.

It all started in the dead of night with the tolling of the cloister bells. And I have to tell you, awaking to that deep reverberating sound from out of a dead sleep. It scared the hell out of me! I rushed out into the main room only to find the Doctor gone and the front door standing wide open. I started yelling for him as I headed out the door.

"Doctor!"

"Here!" He wasn't far. He was standing at the back corner of the cottage looking off into the distance. When I joined him, I saw what had his attention. The horizon was ablaze!

"What is that? I yelled above the din.

"I think…it's the Richter Family manor!"

"What are we going to do?"

He turned to me. "We…are doing nothing!"

"But….!"

"No!" He interrupted. " I want you to…!" The bells suddenly ceased their tolling and the Doctor lowered his voice. "I want you to stay here."

"Oh come on! Doctor, aren't you're taking your Victorian era mores a bit too seriously?"

"Clara, my decision has nothing to do with provincial sexism and more to do with my concern for your safety."

It always riled me whenever he tried to exclude me. "But we're a team!"

He looked at me dismissively. "Teams are for sports and corporate retreats, not this." He didn't give me a chance for rebuttal; he turned away and headed for the barn. I followed after and watched with my arms crossed in silent disapproval as he hitched up the carriage. My glare finally got the better of him.

"What?" He finally asked as he took his seat and gathered up the reigns.

"Why don't you just pop over in the Tardis?"

"I can't leave you without protection, so I'm leaving it here with you."

I uncrossed my arms and placed my hands firmly on my hips. "So why not take it and me with you?"

"Because I know you, you won't stay in it, you'll follow me."

"And that's a bad thing, why..?"

He just frowned so I continued. "Who was it that saved you from having to marrying that sentient plant when you accidentally pollinated it?"

"Ahh, you're not going to bring that up again!"

"And who had to down a half gallon of strawberry sherbert after you lost that bet with Julia Child, because someone complained he was 'lactose intolerant."

"Pppth!."

"And who …"

"Alright, alright! I'll take the Tardis."

I glared at him defiantly.

"We'll take the Tardis," he amended.

….

We arrived to heat and flames accentuating the black skeletal rafters and brick walls of what once had been the Richter family mansion. An exhausted fire and bucket brigade were now standing off at a distance watching the manor burn. There was nothing to be done, so the Doctor began inquiring about the Richter family. Someone directed us to the barn. As soon as we entered, Isabella threw herself into the Doctor's arms.

"Oh John! I'm so glad you've come! This is horrible, truly horrible!"

I was shocked when he didn't stiffen up or even try to pry her off. Instead he held her tight and did his best to comfort her.

"There, there. It will be alright. It's nothing that can't be rebuilt."

Wow. I'd discovered the Doctors biggest weakness! Time lord pheromones! If his enemies ever found out…what was I saying…Missy knew that better than anyone! So how in the hell was I supposed to protect the Doctor from himself?

It was all I could do to sit for the next half hour and listen to Isabella's blubbering and the Doctor's soothing words. I finally had enough and left him alone to see if I could figure this out on my own. And by 'on my own' I meant with the help of the Tardis. It wouldn't be easy; we'd never been on the best of terms, what with her hiding my room and moving hallways around on me. Of course it didn't help that I'd called her a jealous cow. Maybe her jealousy would play to my advantage now. I always believed she knew him better than he knew himself. Maybe she would have the answer I needed.

Alone inside the Tardis, I suddenly felt very uneasy. I could feel the sentient capsule pulse all around me. I think she sensed I was up to something. I felt silly when I started talking to her.

"Uh…hello?"

I was met with silence.

"I need to talk to you." I turned in circles as I spoke to the air. "I need your help."

The lights dimmed a fraction. She must have heard me.

"I need your help with the Doctor."

The room suddenly went glaringly bright. I definitely had her attention now and I explained the situation. When I finished speaking, I was left standing there in absolute silence. I've never heard the Tardis so quiet before and I wondered if that was a good or bad thing. I thought it best if I gave her some time and headed to the kitchen for some coffee, some strong black coffee. The past few months we'd been drinking tea as our only beverage of choice. I missed my coffee.

I took my second cup back with me to the console room hoping she would have and answer for me. She did…only, it wasn't what I expected.

I found that the usual hum of the console room had returned. It relaxed me and made me unprepared for the voice I heard behind me.

"I have something for you."

"Bloody hell!" I nearly jumped out of my skin before I quickly turned around and found a young girl standing behind me.

"Who are you?"

"I am voice interface."

I didn't recognize this red-headed little girl so I had to ask again. "Who are you supposed to be?"

"I am no one. I am the Tardis voice interface."

"So you're just a projection."

"Correct."

"So, how are you supposed to help me? You're just an image."

I watched as she made her way to the console. "I have something for you." She pointed to a cylindrical object that was protruding up through a small port in the metal facing of the console. I stepped closer and reached for the object. The port hissed when I removed the cylinder.

"What is this?"

"It's the only way you can help the Doctor."

"But what is it?"

"It's a synthetic androstenol compound."

"For what?"

"For you."

"What am I supposed to do with this?"

"You must inject it."

It was then that I noticed the trigger mechanism on one end of the cylinder and a small opening on the other.

"Into the Doctor?"

"No."

"Who then, Isabella?" Playing twenty questions with an interface was beginning to annoy me.

"No. You must inject yourself."

"Why? What for?"

"As long as the Gallifreyan pheromones are present in Isabella he will not leave this planet . Staying is dangerous. Missy is dangerous. You must entice him to leave."

I waved the cylinder at her. "Entice him? You mean lure him. You want to do to me what Missy did to Isabella. How's that going to help?"

"You can persuade him to leave this place."

"But he's not finished. He still has two more books…"

"It is enough." She cut me off.

"What is enough?"

"It is enough for history. They will not be missed."

"Says you," I mumbled. I don't know if she heard me or not but the image disappeared and our conversation was over. I think that was the only time in my life someone had gotten the last word without saying a word. I was now left with a decision to make. This called for another cup of coffee and a giant cinnamon bun for the Tardis' programmable food dispenser.

An hour, two cinnamon buns and a tummy ache later, I was still staring at the cylinder lying on the kitchen table. There would be consequences to this decision. I'd already seen how daft he acted whenever he was around Isabella and I didn't want him to change again…his regeneration had been hard enough to adjust to…and our friendship…well, I didn't want to ruin that. Would this ruin that? Would it make it better? We never said things to one another, we didn't have to. We had an understanding. Close, but not too close, that way we couldn't be hurt. And neither of us wanted that. In the end it really came down to one of two options: Dealing with whatever madness Missy had planned or the accepting the Tardis' awkward solution.

"Ow!" Dammit! The stupid cow could have told me it was going to hurt!

oooOOOooo

Back at the barn, things had changed. Isabella had cried herself to sleep and the Doctor had gone back to the house to survey the damage. I came up beside him in the dark and waited for him to say something.

"Where did you go?"

"A walk," I said, lying by omission.

The next thing I knew he was leaning down, his face close to mine. I stiffen up. Was the injection having an effect already?

He gave me a sniff. "You've been in the Tardis eating cinnamon buns again."

I quietly let out the breath I'd been holding. "So?"

"So, did you bring me one?"

Did I bring him one? "What am I? Your Man Friday? Go and get your own!"

"Humph!" Was all I heard before he stalked off towards the Tardis. I gave him a few minutes before I followed. This was going to be easier than I expected.

Back inside the Tardis I made a bee-line for the kitchen. I expected to find him there stuffing his face. What I didn't expect to find an empty kitchen. I turned round and stepped back out into the hallway… only to find myself in different hallway. I was now on a level I didn't recognize!

"What are you doing?" I yelled at the walls. The entrance back into the kitchen also disappeared. "I'm doing what you asked; I'm trying to look after him and you go and ship me off to bloody Ibiza! Why?" There was no dimming of lights and the little girl did not appear. I was being ignored. The only thing I could do was start trekking back to somewhere more familiar.

(Ooh! Funny how a turn of a phrase can remind you of something else, like The Kaiser Chiefs song, 'Somewhere More Familiar'. It seem rather apropos don't you think? What? You don't know them? The Doctor and I saw them in '05, well…crashed their set is more like it…oops…so sorry, I'm digressing.)

The trek was more of a forced march. The Tardis kept shortening the hallways and locking all the doors as she shunted me down four more levels. What the hell was her problem? I thought about calling her something other than a cow, but she'd probably just transport me to the basement where the Doctor would find my mummified corpse some five regenerations later. I held my tongue and kept walking. I soon reached a dead-end. Great!

I was about to turn around when a dark, heavy looking wooden door appeared before me. Ok, something different…different might be good. I reached for the door's tarnished brass doorknob and gave it a turn. With a low hiss the door swung open automatically. I was startled when I saw there was someone inside. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the dimly lit room, but I could tell by the build and the shock of unruly hair that it was the Doctor. He was standing in front of a roaring fireplace. There were two wingback chairs framing both him and the fireplace and as I looked around the room, I noticed a rather large imposing desk positioned in front of a wall of bookcases. And aside from the fireplace, the small green shaded reading lamp on the desk was the only source of light in the room. It illuminated a coffee cup and an empty plate sitting next to it.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

As he turned around, I could see he was stuffing the last bit of a cinnamon bun into his mouth.

"Um…wai..in…for mu," was his garbled reply.

The Doctor talking with his mouth full was nothing new, but I had to call him out on his clothes?

"And what the hell are you wearing?"

He put a hand to his chest in offence. "What's wrong with what I'm wearing?"

He had removed his stiff black provincial jacket and was now wearing a red velvet smoking jacket. The white dress shirt underneath was open at the neck and he was sporting a silken blue and red paisley cravat. As my eyes drifter further down, I noticed he was still wearing the same pants but he'd changed his shoes. He was wearing a pair of dark suede loafers. Loafers! I'd never seen him out of his boots since he débuted his signature outfit.

"Uh, nothing much… it's just…,what's with the lounge wear and the loafers?"

"Am I not allowed to get comfortable in my own Tardis? I don't call you out for running around at all hours in your nightgown.""

He had me there.

"You're right" I raised up my hands about waist high in mock surrender. "My bad."

"So, where have you been?"

Seriously? "I thought I'd take a stroll." I said sarcastically.

"Well, you're here now." He approached me quickly, and swept an arm around my shoulders.

"Come and sit."

I eyed his hand on my arm suspiciously. "Ok." And I let him lead me to the chair.

As I sat he offered to get me another cinnamon bun. "No thanks."

"Coffee?"

"Sure."

He snapped his fingers and a small table appeared between our chairs with two fresh cups of coffee sitting atop. We drank our coffee in silence while the sounds of our sipping echoed around the room.

"Ready for another cinnamon bun yet?" I nearly leapt up out of my seat when he spoke.

He didn't wait for my reply, rather he knocked twice on the table and a plated warm cinnamon bun appeared. The Doctor was looking at me expectantly, as if waiting for me to pick up the bun. I picked it up and took a bite with him watching me the whole time. The whole tableau was starting to feel a bit creepy, so I thought I'd best eat it quick and excuse myself.

As I ate he kept on watching me. I knew it must have something to do with the injection so I did my best to ignore him. When I finished, I began licking the sticky mess from my fingers and that's when I noticed that his tongue was slowly peeking out from between his lips. I quickly stood up to leave.

"Well…goodnight?" I said akwardly.

He stood in response. "Yesss, goodnight."

I turned to leave but his hand on my arm stopped me. As I turned back, his hand reached up to my face. "You missed a spot." His thumb lightly touched the corner of my mouth before I pulled back.

"I'll get it." I replied, and I attempted to wipe my mouth off on the sleeve of my jacket.

He stopped me. "Let me."

The next thing I knew, his face was in front of mine and he was using his tongue to lick away any remnants from the corner of my mouth. It may seem crass, but the words 'Holy Fuck!' popped into my head as this was happening. I don't remember what I was thinking next that because the tongue that had been on my cheek was soon searching for my tonsils.

Oh. My. God! If there was one thing this man had perfected after more than two thousand years, it was kissing. It was…it was…"

Sorry reader, I can't describe it! Ok…ok. I can hear everyone moaning, I'm sorry. I would say it's something you have to experience, but no! You're not going anywhere near there…none of you…ever!

After what seemed an eternity his lips finally left mine. I was surprised I was still standing, though I seemed to have acquired a death grip on the lapels of his smoking jacket. He gently pulled my hands away and kissed them.

"Goodnight, Clara." He escorted me to the door. How was I in any shape to resist? My brain was still malfunctioning. "Yeah, goodnight," was all I said as headed down the corridor…not caring where I was going. Luckily for me the Tardis guided me back to my bedroom. I may have found my bed but what was the point? There was no sleeping that night.

Six hours later, after constantly replaying that moment over and over in my head, my eyes were dry from staring into the darkness and not blinking all night. As I took a quick shower, I wondered what the morning would bring. I was glad to scrub off the past months spent at Chawton and I was eager to get back to normal. Whatever that might be now? I hurried to the console room.

Things did seem normal at first. I found the Doctor already there dressed in is usual punk attire. He was busy reading something on the monitor, but still greeted me as I entered the room.

"Morning sleepy head. Are you rested enough for a new adventure?"

"New adventure?" I inquired, trudging up the stairs. "What about the current one? Isabella? The fire?"

"Aren't we done with that?"

I stopped at the top. Could it really be this easy? "Yeah, I suppose were done."

He looked back at me and I could see his face was lit up with excitement. "Besides, I've found us a distress call! And it's a really cool one too. It's from a ship caught in a slowly expanding time loop. This distress call has been in the Tardis database for nearly a century, but it's only now that enough of the audio has come through to be able to triangulate its temporal location. Listen!" He switched on the transmission so I could hear.

"Mayday, mayday! This is Colonial ship Evita Perón we arrrrrrrrrr…" The syllable kept going so he switched it off. He then raised his eyebrows at me. "Cool huh?"

I joined him at the console. "Yeah."

"Awww come on! Where's your excitement? Don't you remember your history? The Argentinean colonization ship? The one that went missing at the end of the twenty seventh century?"

"Sorry," I replied. "I'm still living in the 21st century."

He put his arm around my shoulder again. "Well, we'll soon fix that." He leaned down and soundly kissed me before pulling on down the flight control lever. "History lesson, here we come!"

So, the kissing. I felt a little guilty about it. He didn't seem to notice it was anything new, and it was so nice, I didn't want to say anything that would spoil it. I'm sure you all know the American saying…'If it aint broke, don't fix it." Nope, not gonna fix it.

Of course, there was another phrase that would wind up trumping that one…, 'All good things must come to an end.' Stupid phrases!

oooOOOooo

After one long day, (that turned out to be three weeks normal time) of being caught in the time loop ourselves, we were both glad to be back in the Tardis. It wasn't all bad, being caught in a time loop. Several of the days there were spent looped in a really intense make out session. That aside, we were able to rescue some of the working crew, though not the ship or its cargo of twenty thousand cryo-tubes. The Doctor said they would remain trapped until the time loop reached its apogee.

So this was our new normal now. Adventure accompanied by intermittent hugs, kisses and caresses. A girl could get used to it. 'Could' get used to it. It's just… I felt so bloody guilty all the time. I felt like I was using him. He never acknowledged the change in our relationship, I don't think he even realized. I should have never listened to the Tardis; I should have never injected myself! I Knew I couldn't keep this up much longer. I'd needed tell him. I just couldn't find the right time. Thankfully, he solved the problem for me.

It was almost two months later when the Doctor pulled me aside and sat us down on the top step of the console room stairs. It was the same as he had done years ago when he'd asked me if he was a good man. I wondered what was on his mind this time.

"Clara?" He asked, intertwining his fingers.

"Yes?"

"Am I a good looking man?"

What? I almost laughed. Where the hell had that come from? How was I supposed to reply?

"What's this about?"

"You don't fancy me then?"

I was dumbfounded "What?"

"Sorry," he started to rise. "My mistake."

I grabbed his arm and pulled him back down. "Hold on! We're not done!"

He sat back down with a heavy sigh and placed his face in his hands.

"So, what's this about?" I asked, using my stern teacher's voice.

He rubbed his face before glancing over at me. "Sorry, I knew this was a bad idea."

"Doctor, it's only a bad idea if you don't explain what's going on."

"Then answer my question. It may help me explain."

I crossed my arms and leaned back against the stair railing. "Good looking. That's what you want to know?"

"Yes."

I shook my head. "No."

He looked crestfallen.

"Wait a minute! I had to push him back down again, "Let me clarify that!"

He sat back down with a heavy thud.

"The term 'Good looking', is too subjective! When I hear the term good looking I think male models, Boy Bands, Cary Grant, James Bond…,"

"He's not real." The Doctor mumbled

"Shut up, I'm not finished! Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney." I heard him sigh. "Marylin Monroe," I added. That got a look, and a tiny smile.

"You, on the other hand are much more than that. Good looking is superficial. Good looking is ordinary, and you…are none of those. You…you are beautiful. Inside and out." I touched him on the cheek. "That's what you are to me." He took my hand from his face and held it.

I still needed an answer. "So, what's this all about?"

He rubbed nervously at my hand before blurting it out. "You don't kiss me."

"What? When do I not kiss you? I kiss you all the bloody time!"

"I'm aware of that!" He snapped. "It's just that…I'm the one who initiates…you don't."

Oh. That.

It was my turn to take his hand. "Doctor. There is something I should have told you. It's just…the Tardis…she said I shouldn't say anything and…"

"It's ok." He replied.

"No…it really isn't"

He gave me a guilty sidelong glance. "She told me."

"What?"

"Our second day after we left Chawton …the Tardis, she told me about the pheromone injection."

"What! What the hell!" I pulled my hand away from his. "Why didn't either of you say anything?"

"Why didn't you?"

I didn't have a good answer so I said nothing.

He interlaced his fingers again, resting them on his knee. "Yeah, me too."

"So how long will these pheromones be in my system?"

He wouldn't look at me. "Um…they're gone."

"Since when?"

"You were only dosed you with enough to last a few days."

That was a shock! "So all this time…when we've been…that was…that was you?"

"Yes."

"You idiot!" That got his attention. "Do you want to know why I don't kiss you? Do you?"

He scrunched his face and looked unsure as to weather he wanted to know the answer.

"It's because I didn't want to take advantage of you!"

He looked back down at his hands again, but as he did, I could see he that was trying to suppress a smile. And try as he may, the smile grew and soon he was trying to stifle a laugh. I watched as his shoulders started shaking and his chest heaved. Despite his best effort, he snorted aloud. He finally gave up, and let out a loud guffaw. He leaned back against the railing for support while he continued laughing.

I was livid, at first. I wanted to be mad at him and the whole stupid situation, but listening to him laugh, it was infectious, and we soon found ourselves laughing so hard we were in tears.

It was as our laughter died down that I seized my moment. I leaned over and kissed him properly. It was a full on, hands in hair, tongue probing, soul searching, no hold barred kiss. I kept on kissing him until he pulled away.

His hair was mussed and he looked thoroughly flustered. "What was that for?"

I smiled at him. "For being an idiot."

"Good," he said. "Now that that's settled." He leaned in to return the kiss…and then some!

Well readers, there it is. The truth about Jane. Disappointed? Too bad! It is the truth after Doctor became Jane Austen just for me. And now history…especially our history, would never be the same!

(Ok, ok! I was going to end my story there, but after reading over my shoulder for the past half hour, Ashilder won't let me. She says I need to add a brief epilogue. Blogs don't have epilogues, I told her. But, she's talked me into it.)

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