A Crown of Stars

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Part 19
Children You Never Had, Things That Didn't Happen

Shinji blinked awake. He was slightly surprised about that.

After finally falling asleep with Asuka clamped around him like he was a giant teddy bear, he'd expected to either be pounded awake by Teutonic fury, or not wake up all because she'd instantly murdered him when she opened her eyes. To just drowsily blink at yet another unfamiliar ceiling was frankly amazing. He'd even managed to relax enough before sleep claimed him to enjoy the almost unique treat of her warmth against him. Though they'd shared a bed for a month since the coup and the start of their 'arrangement', she always slept on the far side from him, almost never even within arm's reach, let alone touching. At least when she slept facing him he could look at her face. She was beautiful in rest, when the nightmares didn't seize her.

He rolled his head to the right, but found only an empty bed. He felt the spot where she'd been, but it was cool. She hadn't left recently. The bedroom door was closed. He wondered what time it was. He looked at his watch and puzzled over its report that it was past 4pm, but noontime bright outside. 'Oh, right, longer day here.' "BH, what time is it?"

"At the tone, the local time will be 1538," the system coolly replied, then beeped.

Maybe it knew where she was..."Where's Asuka?"

"Asuka Langley Sohryu is in the second bedroom of this building with Kyoko Zeppelin Sohryu."

Sitting with her mother, probably. Shinji shrugged and got dressed in the same clothes he'd started the day in. If Asuka was going to pick his outfit for this mysterious 'dinner date', there was no point in bothering to spend time picking a new outfit now. He'd just stepped into the hallway when the house system chimed at him.

"Ikari-san, you have an incoming comm call from Senior Fleet Commander of the White Ikari on the living room screen."

Senior Fleet who? Was his father calling him? Did he even want to answer if it was?

"Is it my father?" he asked suspiciously.

"Negative, Senior Fleet Commander Ikari is not your father, sir," the house replied without inflection.

"Fine. I'll answer it, I guess." He walked into the living room.

The white and red shield with the elaborate wreathing that he'd seen on Daniel's armor was on the screen with 'INCOMING CALL' flashing underneath. "Um, BH, answer it?" Another chime, and the screen cleared.

Asuka stared back at him from the bridge of a starship.

He blinked. Wait, no, it wasn't her. She had the same thick red mane and he could distinctly see Asuka's cheekbones in her, but the dark blue eyes, darker than Asuka's sapphire, the pointed chin, the jawline were his... There was no doubt to it; this 'Commander Ikari' was the daughter of Shinji Ikari and Asuka Langley Sohryu. A daughter who looked at least twice his age and was wearing the same space-black uniform as Lieutenant Leibshott. She certainly grinned at him like Asuka did, though.

"Hi there!" she said jauntily.

"... uh... um..." Shinji at least remembered to close his mouth after a few seconds.

"Yeah, mom always said you weren't the sharpest conversationalist when you were younger, dad."

Shinji's brain went on strike at this. His mouth joined in, refusing to get back to work until someone explained what the heck was going on.

The woman in the thick command chair grinned at his stunned silence for a bit, then started to snicker. "Oh, Lord, I know I shouldn't have done that, but it was too funny! Ahem!" She cleared her throat and started over. "Good afternoon, Ikari-san. I am Senior Fleet Commander of the White Misato Sohryu-Ikari, Fifth Officer of the HMS Shinji Ikari. A school friend called me a few hours ago to tell me that you and a certain German-American redhead had dropped in to visit her ship and take one of their mecha for a spin. Given that we hadn't received a similar such courtesy call, and going by what my mother has said she and my father were like when they were kids, I concluded that you likely didn't know our ship also existed and was in-system. Therefore, I decided to call and welcome you to our fair Realm, and extend an offer of a visit to your own namesake ship."

"Gleeg." Nope, brain and mouth still not cooperating.

"Wow, I think I broke you. To put your mind back in order, you're not my father. My dad is Shinji Ikari, he's just not you. You're a lot skinnier, for example. My mother is Asuka Langley Sohryu, but she's not the one I hear is with you down there. They're from a different worldline very similar to yours, but yours is a rather darker one, I understand. But if you're anything like my parents, I can make some pretty good guesses as to how you'd act. So, I called. Sorry, the temptation to play with your head is definitely something I inherited from mom." Her smile had the same sharp edge to it, too.

'Oh thank the GODS...' Shinji's brain breathed a sigh of relief and called off the strike. "Um... hello... er, Commander Ikari." This was still way too strange. 'Commander Ikari' was not something he was supposed to be calling a beautiful redhead who kept smiling at hi-Focus, Ikari! "Um...i-it is good to meet you."

"Good to meet you too, young analogue-of-my-father. It's considered polite good form in the Empire to look out for your 'other selves' if they're new or seem at a loss. Family is important to us. Mom and dad are on leave right now, so when I heard about your visit to our mate-ship, I thought I'd uphold the family name and look in on you. I'm betting your counterpart to my mom is running you a bit ragged. Anything I could do to help?"

Shinji looked back down the hallway. The door to the room where Asuka's mother slept was open, but the angle prevented him from seeing anything. He turned back to... Commander Ikari. "Ah, n-no, nothing I can think of. I'm sorry."

"Yup, you sound like mom's stories. This is kind of funny on my end too. You're what, about twenty? I've got kids your age. But anyway, there is something I can give you that I think might help you out. Mom sometimes mentions how rough it was for her and dad early on, how hard it was to get together despite how much they were attracted to each other, due to all the Scheiße they'd been through in their Angel War...so I wanted to give you something to give you some confidence, something to remind you that there's a better future still ahead." She glanced at her chair's right armrest and pressed a control. An electric blue sparkle flared on the table in front of the couch, fading into a small book-shaped box of polished wood. The cover had an enameled ship's badge on it. "A little gift from semi-family who crew your namesake ship. I do hope you come visit us too, Ikari-san. We are always ready at your back. Have fun, and if you do think of something, call me at any need."

Shinji picked up the box and examined the cover badge. 'HMS Shinji Ikari' the top read in English lettering. The badge image was a shot of Eva Unit-01's head against a black, starry background, with himself in his plugsuit in front of it, a far more fearsome look on his face than he'd ever seen in a mirror. A bit more unusual was the motto at the bottom. It was in proper kanji and hiragana for a change, and read 'Here I Stand And Here I Remain'. 'Sounds a little better than 'I Mustn't Run Away', I guess,' he thought. "Um, thank you," he said to the smiling woman.

"Look inside."

Shinji opened the cover. Inside was a family photo. 'He' was in it. That Shinji, looking at least twenty or more years older than him, sat on a plush couch, his arms around a distinctive red-haired woman. The 'Commander Ikari' he was talking to was standing behind the couch in the same black uniform, flanked by five apparent siblings, male and female, with multiple different uniforms, but matching features. On the outside stood various men and women he guessed were their husbands and wives. In front of the couch an entire baseball team's worth of young kids clustered at their feet. Grandchildren? More than a few redheads, but most had his dark brown. They all were beaming at the camera. Well, except for the kids who were trying to give each other bunny ears or staring off to the side.

On the inside of the cover was a note. 'Family is always with you. You get what you give, so give it all. And don't forget to push back! -Love, the Sohryu-Ikari family PS: You have to send us yours in 30 years! June 6th, 2375 MR43, Iacon City, Vilya'

Shinji spent a few seconds looking at 'himself' and 'Asuka'. He looked happy. She wore the same smile 'his' Asuka had so briefly worn on the beach this morning. Shinji closed his eyes and swallowed a lump in his throat. "Thank you for the gift."

"Shinji, who are you talking t-..." Asuka said as she came out of the hallway. She trailed off to a halt as she saw the screen. "Is... is that 'me'?"

"Hi mom!"

Shinji covered his face. He knew he was somehow going to pay for this too.

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'Then again, this may be worth it,' Shinji thought to himself two hours later. Asuka had declared she wanted to go swimming in the waters surrounding their beach house after the cheerful teasing of 'Commander Ikari' had prodded her from a blank mask over an unfathomable mood into aggravated counter-snarking. Asuka had growled when their caller had finally bid farewell, and announced that only a swim would clear her mind. A simple search of their bedroom's dressers had quickly turned up a selection of swimwear, and it had not done Shinji's blood pressure any favors when Asuka had emerged in a close copy of that red-and-white striped two-piece she'd worn the day before they'd fought Sandalphon in the depths of Mount Asama. The extra four years of growth since then had only added to her curves in all the best possible places. 'Wow.'

Asuka had merely smirked triumphantly at his stunned silence, and ordered the beach house to provide her with scuba gear and accessories. It had made him feel more comfortable to note the return of a bit of the same spark in her eyes as she'd had back then beside the NERV HQ pool. It also terrified him, just like back then. Her arch comment about his own bone-dry swimsuit and t-shirt combination had been like old times too.

Once kitted out, she'd happily waded into the lapping wavelets and disappeared under the crystal clear water. A BH-provided pair of sunglasses and binoculars let him easily follow her around the shallow waters between their island and its neighbors. Still never having learned to swim, he had to be satisfied with watching her dart around like a redheaded mermaid. He was watching her for safety's sake, really. Not at all because that swimsuit had his eyes completely glued to her tight, bouncy—'Oh, who are you kidding, Ikari? She looks hotter than the sand out here feels, and you can't stop staring.'

He lowered the binoculars and flopped his head back against the beach chair he'd taken up station in under another umbrella a short bit down the shore from their cabin. Gods, she was so beautiful. If only...

He frowned. She was apparently enjoying herself, popping up out of the water every so often to wave at him, and shout half-heard things about the fish she was seeing or something. But before she'd been teased by 'Commander Ikari', he'd seen that mask-like expression on her face again, her eyes as stormy as her face was calm. She had not said a word to him that indicated in the slightest that she had any awareness of what he'd done while she slept to try to quiet her nightmares. When she woke this morning she was cool and as brittle as the day before. Then she showed up to beat his father over the head and she was cheery and bouncy. She took him for a ride in her new toy, and apologized for something. He'd wildly overshot on his reply, but she hadn't exploded at him, just quietly and forcefully accepted his oath to never abandon her again. She'd been like a starlet in the spotlight before the bay full of cheering crew, then suddenly had them both transported back here without another word after something made her stiffen. She'd been crying in her sleep, clinging to him like a safety blanket, then left him sleeping like she hadn't noticed. She was flipping back and forth between different Asukas, and he had no idea how to react to any of them. 'Then again, it's not like you were ever very good at figuring out what was going on in her head even when she was the same all day long. Except for when it came to coming up with exactly the wrong thing to say or do. Then you were a damn expert.'

So now what? His own six-months-older self had implicitly showed him that he and Asuka could be apparently quite happy together, a message weirdly reinforced by a call from the daughter of yet another alternate of himself. He still felt like he was trying to walk a tightrope blindfolded. He didn't know what to do! He could feel Asuka's strain at times. She'd go so rigid she was almost vibrating. This morning on the beach she'd looked like someone had just shot her dog. 'And what did you do, Ikari? Nothing, that's what. 'Be there for her', 'you' said. Well, that would have been a good time, jackass!' Next time, he'd- 'Next time? That's what you said last time. How soon is now?' Hey, I did reach out and help her just now! 'In her sleep. What do you want, a damn cookie? And again with Asuka while she's unconscious! How about while she's got her eyes open next time?'

Shinji sighed. He wished some of the boiling self-loathing he could lash himself with could finally be turned, if not into a useful impulse to do something in time to make a difference, at least outward onto some deserving target. Instead it just sloshed around inside him until it built up so high that he snapped at some final straw. 'Maybe I should go beat the stuffing out of my father again. Even if it's not exactly productive, it felt good and he certainly deserves it.'

Asuka's splashing up out of the water towards him broke him out of his introspection. Shinji's eyes told the rest of him to shut up and pay attention; Aphrodite was being born out of the waves again. Shinji watched in rapt fascination as she walked up past the high tide line, shrugging off the scuba tank to drop it next to the other beach chair under the umbrella. She stretched her hands over her head and arched her back right in front of Shinji, like she was taking care to flaunt her newly scar-free stomach and perfect body at him. She relaxed from her stretch to give him a very knowing stare. "Having fun, Third? Enjoying the view?"

Shinji finally realized that he was still staring at her, and snapped his eyes away. "I'm sor—"

"You say 'I'm sorry', and I'm throwing you into the lagoon," she said, irritation edging into her voice.

"I'm—" 'Do you have a death wish, Ikari?' "...very much enjoying myself, yes. I'm happy for you."

Asuka looked like she'd heard that little mental swerve, but blinked at the borderline compliment from the usually quiet young man. "Happy for me?"

"All those marks you got in the...the fight with the SEELE's Evas. They're gone now, and you are wearing that suit. And, um, you really look good." Shinji fought to keep his voice from turning into a squeak. "It's good to see you getting to swim again."

"Not a lot of chances for swimming pools or scuba in the last few years," Asuka replied tartly. "But yes, I really didn't feel like showing off all the scarring the MP Evas left me with. Now that's gone, and I'm whole again. Hooray." She dropped into the chair next to his.

They both stared out at the gently lapping waters and weirdly distant horizon for a minute before Asuka spoke up again. "Those old broken bones the doctor mentioned this morning... Daniel said you got them from Winthrop's guards beating you after... after you... tried to convince him to take you instead of me? In Boston?" she asked hesitantly.

The tropical heat suddenly deserted Shinji and he felt cold. He slowly nodded. "Yes. He told me you'd 'volunteered' for his 'personal attentions'. I knew what he meant. The look on his face didn't even try to disguise it. I begged him not to do it. I offered to take your place, anything as long as he'd leave you alone. I think it just made him angry. He told the guards to 'teach me some respect'. I blacked out when one of them kicked me in the temple. You and he were gone before I came to. I was out for about a week, they told me. That's the last I saw of you for three years until they ordered Aoba to escort me to Berlin. I'm sorry. I failed you again. At least that time I tried, for all the good it did." Faint, anguished bitterness colored his voice as he finished. "I tried not to think of what he was doing to you while I was stuck in Boston. Sometimes I succeeded. That's part of why I started studying Philosophy; it took my mind off...things."

Asuka kept staring out to sea for a long time. "Thank you for trying," she said quietly after a while. "You didn't... fail me, Third, I did. I made the choice to go to Winthrop. I thought it was necessary for my own protection. I thought I was... making sure I wouldn't be killed. I didn't know about... your part. All I knew is we left for Berlin and you didn't come, and I didn't hear anything from you at all. Just secondhand bits when people reported to Winthrop, like with the Philosophy professor thing. I... was pretty mad at you for abandoning me again."

"But I didn't!" Shinji protested.

Asuka snapped her head around to glare right at him. "I fucking know that now, Third! And now I know that my 'choice' got you beat unconscious and may have been pointless!" Asuka shut her mouth with a snap and suddenly looked away.

Shinji watched the back of her head, waiting for her to continue. "Pointless?" he asked once it became clear she wasn't going to immediately resume.

She kept looking at the horizon away from him. "Winthrop... lost interest in me after about a year. He 'gave me' to Jinnai. Jinnai was...less bad than Winthrop. He kept me sane, anyway. But I still... I still had accepted the 'choice' I made. You didn't do that. I did. And now... now I'm fucking innocent of a sin I still committed, or chose to, at least."

'Innocent?' "Asuka, what are you talking about?"

"...He made it un-happen."

"...What?"

"Daniel. This morning, while we were doing our separate things, he made it not have happened, at least not how I thought it did," she said, her voice somewhere between guilt and confusion. "He made a dummy, switched it for me every time they would have... taken me. He did it hundreds of times. I'm... untouched, now, completely intact. Again." She paused for a moment and gave a disgusted snort. "'Not intact everywhere', she said. I'm a verdammt comedienne."

She abruptly stood up and grabbed the scuba gear. "I'm going to shower off the salt," she said as she rapidly walked towards the cabin without looking back.

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Part 20
Kung-Fu Flirting

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Shinji sat on the beach chair staring at the seagulls himself for a good while, trying to unpack Asuka's cryptic revelations. She 'chose' to go to Winthrop? It wasn't hard to tell how much of a 'choice' it was. Their various warlord-hosts before Winthrop had often been the kind to 'give you a choice' with a gun in their hand. The only difference with Winthrop was he had N2 mines.

'"He made it un-happen."' So Daniel had somehow... what, un-raped her? A dummy, switched in... intact, she said... His eyes popped open. 'Wait, does that mean she's back to...I mean still a virgin? What does that mean?' No wonder she'd been so... withdrawn, on their one attempt at sex. 'Wait, no, that was before Daniel came. She still thought she was... she was just hating it anyhow.' Gods, the look on her face... it felt like he was violating her. He couldn't do that to her. But she still offered, even after that. Why? She couldn't want him to hurt her, not like that.

He was just giving himself a headache like this. He stood up and headed inside. The sound of the shower told him where Asuka was. He stood in the living room and thought. Wait, there was something he wanted to find out about; where were his parents?

He faced the black screen and asked, "BH, can I call my mother and father?"

The screen came to life with the heraldic shield emblem and "CALLING" flashed at the bottom. After a few seconds, the shield vanished and Rayana looked at him. "Hello, Shinji. I'm sorry, your mother is not available right now." There was the sound of breaking glass from somewhere behind her and a woman's scream of 'How COULD you? How could you DO that to him? How could you do that to HER? THREE TIMES?' Rayana looked off to her right, and turned back to him. "They're having a... ah... frank discussion at the moment."

"Can I talk to my mother later?" he asked hopefully.

"She'll be" ~CRASH~ "there at the dinner. I think your father..." Shinji heard his father's voice in the background. "I HAD to! It was the only way!" "...will be staying in tonight. Your mother is not very happy with him. She'll explain more then," Rayana concluded.

Shinji tried not to show his disappointment. "I see. Thank you, Rayana. You'll come get us then?"

"That we shall. Just try to relax, talk to Asuka for a bit. We'll see you this evening."

'I think those two things are mutually exclusive.' Shinji thought morosely. "Thank you. Goodbye." The screen went black once more.

Relaxed was the last thing he felt like right now. Hearing his parents apparently having a screaming match plus Asuka's unsettling information had left him feeling unable to sit still. He jittered around the room for a few minutes before deciding to try sweating off some of his energy. He found a gi in the bedroom wardrobe, changed while Asuka was still showering, and went to the cabin's workout room.

Forty minutes of judo katas and exercise left him feeling considerably calmer. He came up from a set of sit-ups and caught a flicker of red out of the corner of his eye. He turned to find Asuka leaning against the doorframe in her own red gi, her hair already tied up.

"Feel like a few rounds, Third?" she challenged.

Shinji paused, still breathing a little harder than when he'd started most of an hour ago. He was a little worn down, but he could tell Asuka needed to blow off nervous energy at least as much as he had. And the way her face would relax sometimes in their bouts was almost worth it by itself to be able to see. Her face had the sharp clarity of a knife blade at such times, scary and beautiful, blessedly absent of the tension and bitterness that marked it too often otherwise. "Sure, Asuka." He took up a ready stance in the middle of the mats.

She stepped to opposite him, and brought her hands up. Neither one of them moved for a second. Asuka took the initiative and tried for a leg sweep. Shinji evaded and reached for her right arm, but she spun out of the way.

Shinji managed two throws by occasionally surprising her, but was well aware his style remained mostly technical and defensive. Asuka kept pressing the attack, catching him well enough several times for two throws of her own, plus a couple more holds that forced him to tap out. Shinji grimaced internally as he once again passed up an exploitable opening for a conversion to a choke pin. He'd found himself shying away from such maneuvers ever since their first match. The choke then had awakened too many ugly echoes for both of them. 'Damn it. Another thing to apologize for; 'I'm sorry I tried to choke you to death because I was crazy from ending the world.''

At least her face had relaxed again. He tried not to spend too much time staring. He'd made that mistake before, and Asuka had ruthlessly exploited it. His back still twinged in painful memory. He passed up another attack opening. This time Asuka growled.

"Damn it, Third, come at me! I'm not made of glass!" She followed up with a couple of faster than usual kicks at his head, pushing into his space. He caught her foot on the last one, flipping her over and moving into a pin. She twisted and bucked against the mat, trying to throw him off, but failing. Once he had the pin incontestably established, she slapped the mat in surrender.

They rolled apart and stood, panting. Asuka glared at him. "Quit making me do all the work, Third! Fight me! Hit me!"

"It's hard! I don't like feeling like I'm going to hurt you!"

"It's a fucking judo sparring match, not a knife fight! Hit me!" She swung at his head again. "'It's hard!'" she mocked. "'I might hurt you!' Well, fuck, Third, who ever told you anything in this life was easy was lying to you!" A snap kick connected with his gut and knocked him stumbling back to a fall. "You want something, you have to push for it!" She pounced and tried to pin him before he could rise.

Shinji rolled out from under her leap and jumped back to his feet, his seldom roused pride sparking to life again. "Fine!" He went on the offensive, catching Asuka off guard. After an exchange of blows, he caught her wrist when she tried a block and spun her into an arm bar. "That more like it?" he asked angrily.

Shinji was puzzled as he saw a smile crawl onto her face.

"Didn't we have a deal, Third? You give me everything I want, and take what I give you?" She suddenly wiggled and somehow slid out of the arm bar. She was on him again almost before Shinji could recover, punches and kicks coming as fast as he could handle. "I reserve the right to change my mind, you know. Things can change. Things changed today. Things could change more tonight. Tomorrow could be a whole new deal..." She was driving him back, blow by blow towards the door to the room. Asuka tapped into a new top gear and threw even faster moves at him. "If you wanna 'love me', Third, you better be ready! to! push! BACK!" She grabbed his lapels and threw herself backwards as she stuck her foot in his stomach. The throw sent him halfway across the room to slam into the mat. Shinji lay there, too stunned to move, and watched upside-down as Asuka walked out the door without a backwards glance. "I'm going for a walk. Tschüsch."

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Asuka was making great time, heading nowhere. She'd snatched Shinji's sunglasses off the kitchen counter as she passed, and shot out the door. Her 'walk' rapidly evolved into a full on sprint, the sand flying up under her toes. She wasn't running away exactly, she was just running.

Her breath came rapidly, her body humming. Half of her mind wanted to giggle madly over the look in the Third's face as she hit him with that last statement and her own audacity in doing so. The other half wanted to just panic over that last statement and her own madness in doing so. 'What the Hell am I doing? Why did I say that?'

It hadn't been something she planned. It had just slipped out when her blood got going in that match. He'd been his usual passive, defensive self, passing up easy openings over and over. She'd pushed at him just to get him to push back. Sometimes she'd been able to goad him into anger back in Misato's apartment. She'd push and poke until he blew a fuse and started to push back at her. For some reason that always made her feel alive, alive in a way she hadn't felt since her violation at the hands of the 15th Angel, like every nerve was lit up. If she couldn't have enough of those rare moments where she could display her superiority over the Third, she could at least grab a few where he'd at least show some energy and fight back with her.

But this was a little different. There hadn't been any 'arrangement' back in those days. Just the unspoken, nebulous boundaries you'd find between members of the opposite sex sharing a house. Now, tonight, just like the month of nights before it, she'd be sleeping in the same bed as the boy she'd just maybe-kinda-sorta hinted to that he should...chase her a little.

'What the fuck was I thinking? I told him 'no' before. Why the Hell do I want him to come at me? I don't love him. I don't. I can't. I don't need him.' Sweat stung her eyes. Another beach house came into view ahead on her right. As she began to pass it, another figure in shorts and a swimsuit came out the door at an easy lope and matched speed with her.

"Howdy, stranger!" Ching greeted her. "Hmm, red gi, sprinting down the beach full speed, barefoot...I know, you're doing a martial arts movie training-montage gag! Shouldn't you do this at sunset for the maximum dramatic backdrop?" Ching was matching her headlong run, not even breathing hard.

"Har... har... every... one... on... this... fucking... planet... is... a... Gott… damn... comedian!" Asuka panted.

"Blame Their Majesties. That whole Founder Effect; Snark is practically a holy art around here." Ching spun around to run backwards, facing her from a couple paces ahead. "More seriously, what's got you running out here today? You're moving like you've got bill collectors and the sheriff on your tail and you apparently just left your dojo in a hurry. What's chasing your afterburners so hard you didn't even stop to change?" Ching's eyebrows went up. "Did Shinji do something more than usually foolish? Or did you?"

Asuka managed not to stumble. "I... just... felt... like a... run... after I... kicked... the... Third's... ass." Her pace was slowing. A long bout in the dojo with the Third after two hours of swimming around were finally adding up. After another half-mile, she jogged to a halt at the next set of beach chairs and collapsed into one, her chest pumping like bellows.

Ching easily lowered herself into the other chair. She watched Asuka pant for a moment, then murmured something into her interface band. A pair of bottles sparkled into being on the chair beside her, and quickly grew a film of condensation. Ching opened one bottle and handed it to Asuka. "Here. Navy sports grog, better than Gatorade."

Asuka took the chilled bottle and gratefully chugged the slightly tart liquid. Her stomach twitched, reminding her she hadn't had anything since the 'loaves and fishes' lunch joke. "Thanks," she gasped. She looked at Ching in surprise. She'd kept up with Asuka's best speed for over a mile, and showed not a drop of sweat or the slightest increase in breathing rate. "How are you cheating? You're not even breathing hard from that."

Ching smiled. "I'm active duty Navy. I've got a whole set of combat implants and nanoware boosters. On top of that, you're Homo Sapiens, I'm Homo Avalonis. It not really a fair contest. Even without my military gear, I could outrun cheetahs without much trouble."

"You're not even human? No fair. And I was already tired, too."

Ching gave her a sharp look. "'If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge?' I'm human, Asuka, I'm just not Homo Sapiens. Mere species is neither the measure nor definition of humanity here. Human is as human does. There are plenty of people on this planet alone who don't have even a single codon of Homo Sapiens DNA in them, but are very human. And you know damn well there are plenty of people walking around on your world that are one hundred percent Homo Sapiens that are not human in the least. Be careful, some might take what you said as rather an insult."

Asuka was a bit taken aback by Ching's sharp tone. "Sorry."

Ching's face relaxed and she waved Asuka's apprehension away. "Forget about it, you didn't know. So, you kicked his ass, hmm? And then ran out here? Are you sure you're 19? This almost sounds like kindergarten stuff; you pulled his pigtails and ran away because that's how you show him you like him," she said with a small grin.

"I don't know what the heck I just did."

"Oh? Details, girl, details!" Ching said excitedly.

"It's your fault anyway. Your little pep talk this morning really did cause 'the snowflake that starts the avalanche' alright. It damn near killed half the skiers on the hill. I apologized for a bitchy comment I made a month ago just to get under his skin. He apologized for failing to even try to come help me when I was fighting for my life against the whole Mass Production series! So much for starting small! The Third Child went from zero to Mach three, trying to apologize for the worst thing he ever did to me!" Asuka burst out.

Ching blinked "He did? Wow. I'm... kind of impressed."

Asuka gave her a funny look.

Ching shrugged. "It must have been eating him up inside, Asuka. That is a big deal to apologize for. For him to just come out with it like that, right off the bat, it must have been on his mind. I didn't think he'd find the resolve to do that for a while yet." Ching tilted her head. "So, did you forgive him?"

"...I couldn't. It's too big. He forgave a bitchy dig at Misato. I...can't just forgive something he did that cost me my life. Not just like that."

"He's got to die for you before you can forgive him? You got it back after the Impact."

Asuka glared at her. "That's not the same and you know it!"

"I know, Asuka. But what can he do besides dying for you? He was ready to in that coup. His life for yours."

Asuka blew out her breath in a sigh. "I know! But...it's hard." She took another gulp of the bottle and looked out at the sea. "I didn't know until today that he tried to... to offer himself in my place when he thought Winthrop was forcing me into his bed. He got beaten unconscious trying to... take that hit for me. I thought he just left me one day. I hated him for the next three years for that. Now it turns out it wasn't even his fault. He was left there and kept there on Winthrop's orders. I chose to go to Winthrop, out of... 'safety'." Asuka gave a disgusted snort. "And now Daniel undid all that, and I'm a virgin all over again, but still have the guilt of 'choosing' to submit to that. So Shinji ended up paying for a sin I chose but now didn't actually commit. I don't know if I need to apologize to him for unintentionally inflicting that on him, forgive him for a failure that was my fault, or just leave it at thanking him for trying to 'defend my virtue' when even I wouldn't."

"So now it's just one giant ball of awkward?" Ching asked.

Asuka snorted again. "Yeah, that's us. I'm trying to act more like back then, like you suggested. Sometimes it works for a while, but I keep running into things that make me remember that it's not like it was back then, and I suddenly snap back."

"Like what?"

"After the Third and I got back to 'my' ship, there were hundreds of the crew in the bay to greet us. A whole crowd, cheering my name...and then I heard somebody yell 'I love you, Asuka!'" She shivered. "I... wasn't ready to hear something like that, especially not from some random person in a crowd. How sad is that? That I'm scared off by just hearing that?"

"They're scary words, Asuka, if they mean it. They're even more scary when it's from someone who means something to you. Then they can be really scary."

"Anyone ever said it to you?" Asuka asked hesitantly.

"Of course, but not in the way I think you mean. I've had lovers, I've had people who loved me, but I've never met that one, the one who will love me beyond all else," Ching said wistfully. "Never one who said it that way, the way we all long to hear. That's why I envy you; you're so young. You two met when you were barely even teenagers, and you're still just nineteen and twenty. I've waited centuries, and I still haven't been so lucky."

"Wait, what? You've waited centuries? How old are you?" Asuka asked in disbelief.

"I'm 432 years old. I'll be 433 in five months," Ching said matter-of-factly.

"Bit...wha...guh?"

"That's kind of unusual for your world?" Ching asked, somewhat confused.

Asuka finally got control of her tongue again. "Gec...Yes! Yes it fucking is! Nobody lives that long! I thought you were supposed to be 'closer in age' to me!"

"I am! How old do you think the Emperor is?"

Asuka began a reply, and then stopped herself. "Do I even want to know?"

"If my being a mere four thirty two freaked you out, probably not!"

Asuka pressed the cool bottle against her forehead. "Against him being a god-emperor, this shouldn't surprise me as much, but go ahead; how old is he?"

Ching looked at her for a second, then shrugged. "Okay, you asked for it. He's soooo old, he...just kidding. His 452,000th birthday celebration was when I was ah... forty four. The Empress is slightly younger, thanks to the time they were separated during the years before the Founding. Ten or twenty thousand years or so, I think."

Asuka stared at her, eyes wide as they could go. "Gott's little fish in trousers..."

"So, then what happened?" Ching asked briskly.

"What? Happened when?" Asuka's brain was still refusing to process that number. He was 452,388 years old?! Stone tools weren't that old! Fire wasn't that old!

"When he apologized, and you couldn't forgive him, what did he say?"

Asuka just blinked at her.

Ching sighed. "Look, if I just let you sit here, you're going to sprain your brain trying to wrap your head around the idea that His Majesty is older than your head can handle. So let's just lay that aside, and get back to the merely impossible business of getting you and Shinji to talk to each other like normal people, hmm? What did he say when you told him you couldn't forgive him? You did tell him that, right?"

Asuka shook her head and tried to reset herself. "Uh, yes, I did. I told him I couldn't forgive him, not yet. And then he said 'I can't abandon you like that again, Asuka. So I won't. Ever.'" Asuka met Ching's eyes. "What do I say to that? He meant it. No one's ever..."

Ching bit her lip. "Okay, I'm torn here. I've got one thing I want to say as 'snarky girlfriend', and one as 'doctor and sympathetic girlfriend'."

Asuka rolled her eyes. "Go for it."

"Well, 'snark' says what you should say to that is 'Oh, Shinji, my dawling, take me into your scrawny arms and show me you lurrrrve me!'" Ching said, trying not to grin.

Asuka bounced her now empty plastic drink bottle off Ching's head. "Very funny," she said darkly.

Ching's expression shifted to a much more serious look. "And 'doctor and sympathetic' says 'If he meant it, you should accept it.'"

"...I did. I asked him if he really meant it, if he swore that he had my back from now on, no matter what. He swore."

Ching sat back a bit. "Wow. He really did it. And he meant it? Wow. You're...pretty lucky, Asuka. People here hope most of their lives for an oath of devotion like that."

"Lucky. Right." Asuka said disgustedly. "He's an idiot and a spineless wimp. I'm a repulsive bitch and a whore. We're perfect. When I told him I couldn't forgive him just like that for something that cost my life, he just agreed with me, and said he didn't even feel like I should until he 'made it right'. Gott! It's like trying to punch a cloud of smoke, sometimes, trying to hate him...He'll do something stupidly decent like that...And then he'll do something to remind me of all the other things he's done, and it's so easy again to despise him."

"Just as hard to forgive him, eh?"

Asuka nodded tiredly. "Yeah. It feels like the rug's been pulled out from under me right now, though, to find out something I held against him so hard for years was something I caused." 'Through my own fears. Damn you, Third. You make me feel bad without you actually even doing a damn thing.'

"An old fundamental of intelligence; 'It's not what you don't know that'll get you, it's what you think you know that isn't so,' as His Majesty has said. So you based a long and intense emotion on false assumption. Now that you know it was false, you have to let it go. But you're finding that difficult, since that means forgiving yourself for blaming him in the first place," Ching observed.

Asuka said nothing.

Seeing she was not ready to continue on that topic, Ching moved on. "So was that what got you running out here like your ass was on fire, or was it something else?"

Asuka flushed. "Ah... something else."

Ching raised an eyebrow. "Mmm?"

"I took a nap after we got back. When I woke up... I was holding on to him..." Asuka said in a very small voice. 'And he called my name in his sleep,' she couldn't dare to say. She waited, and was somewhat surprised not to hear any snickers or snarky comments from Ching. She looked up at her.

Ching was watching her, an intent but calm expression on her face. "That didn't send you running out here in a gi. What happened next?"

"I... got up and talked to the priestess that's watching my mother whenever we're not there. I... kind of told her my troubles. She said it sounded like the Third was important to me, and that I should talk to him. She asked me what he was to me... and I didn't know. I don't know what he is. I... I just don't know anything. I don't even know who I am anymore."

"I know who you are," Ching said firmly. "You are Asuka. The Great Asuka Langley Sohryu, the girl who does. Not. Give. Up. The girl who in the middle of being mind-raped still said she'd rather die than retreat. The girl who faced down an entire JSSDF brigade and nine Mass Production Evas alone, with a sneer and her mother's spirit. That's something else I saw, looking through all those records; Pinned to the ground, a fucking spear through your eye, bleeding from a dozen wounds, surrounded by foes who just wouldn't go down... you were still fighting, still swearing death on your enemies. Asuka Langley Sohryu would die before she gave up. And not even death will stop you, so it proved. It doesn't matter that your motivation may have been a desperate need to prove yourself to the whole world to justify your own existence. You grew that determination all by yourself. As long as you can fix a goal in your mind, you have the will to achieve it."

"So why am I such a mess? If I was so great, Section 2 would never have had to drag me out of that bathtub when my synch rate flatlined. And I gave up after Jinnai made me watch that damn video of my mother being dragged away to die. I hate my life, all my friends are dead, and the boy who I don't love and doesn't want me is the best thing I've got in my life right now. That doesn't sound like I'm doing so great," Asuka bitterly retorted.

"You got up and fought again after the bathtub, and you were better than ever before. Dead friends we can and will fix. And the boy who 'doesn't want you'? Is that the same one who can't take his eyes off you? I saw you two on the beach earlier. You were swimming around for a good couple of hours. He sat on the beach with binoculars and had his eyes glued to you the whole time," Ching said with a smile.

"Ahem!" Asuka cleared her throat loudly and tried to cover her flush. "Anyhow, after I washed off the salt, I found him in the workout room, and challenged him to a few rounds. He was barely fighting me at all, said he 'didn't like feeling like he was going to hurt me.' I had to nearly tear his head off to get him to take the fight seriously and come at me. And he finally did. It was... pretty good. And then I... then I said something kind of... I don't know..."

"What? What did you say?" Ching looked at her and gave her a squint. "Wait, is this the thing that got you running out here in such a hurry? What did you say to him?"

Asuka nodded and stared at her feet. "I said..." She took a deep breath and said it all in one rush, "'If you wanna 'love me', Third, you better be ready to push back!' And then I threw him, hard. Then, well, that's when you saw me running by."

"Sweet Lady on a pogo stick, really? You actually said that to his face? While both of you were awake?"

Asuka nodded. "And I have no idea what the Hell I was thinking! Why did I do that?"

"So you flirted with him, kicked his ass, and then ran away? Good Lord, you are doing the kindergarten routine. ...Okay, you are way too wound up. You're going to go sproing unless you can relax some. As your friend and doctor, I have two possible suggestions for what we should do next, and since we've got that dinner party tonight us getting completely shitfaced is out. Maybe next week, I hear Their Majesties throw epic parties. So we go with plan B: You and I go play video games until our eyes fall out, then get ready for the dinner. Sound good?"

Asuka stared at her like she was crazy for a minute and then shrugged. "Fuck it, why not?" She stood up. "Let's go blow up some digital bad guys."