The next morning Katniss got up early, showered and left quickly, hoping to catch Peeta before he left for the bakery. She stood in front of his house for a moment before finding the courage to knock on his door. She knew she'd feel slightly better after telling him everything, but she also knew how painful the process would be. She swallowed hard, and knocked on the door, telling herself that she needed to stop being such a coward.
"Hang on!" She heard him yell from inside. No turning back now, she thought nervously. She'd tried to plan what she was going to say to him, but no matter how she worded it she couldn't make it any less painful, any less despicable. The door opened and the smile he had ready for whoever his visitor was fell from his face when he saw her.
"I need to explain…" She began, trailing off; she didn't want to have this conversation out in the street. He stared at her for a while, searching her face, trying to read her emotions. He saw a whole range, remorse, shame, anxiety.
"I supposed you'd better come in then." He said finally, walking away from the door into the kitchen. She followed him in, sitting gingerly at the kitchen table she looked at her hands, trying to work out where to begin.
"I… I'm sorry." He nodded, waiting for her to continue. "President Snow told me I had to, else… else he'd kill Gale." She bit her lip, struggling to hold back tears; waves of guilt were crashing against her. Seeing her emotional turmoil Peeta decided to help her out.
"Why would he do that?" he asked her, he'd assumed that she'd slept with both of them because she liked them both, the revelation that she'd been made to sleep with him hit hard.
"Which? Make me or kill Gale?" he could tell she was stalling from the way her eyes wouldn't meet his.
"Both." He was certain her explanation was going to hurt him more than the conclusion he'd previously came to, but he wanted to know the truth.
"You know he watches us 24/7? He has cameras everywhere, you can't do a thing without him knowing," this idea unsettled Peeta, was this true? Did they genuinely have no privacy? "And he saw me and Gale in the woods." She rubbed her face in anxiety, this was even harder than she'd imagined. "And then he said that he enjoyed watching us-" her voice broke, but she swallowed hard and continued, "so instead of killing him he offered me a deal, to give him a show that he could sell," Tears were pouring down her face now, "so it had to be with you."
Peeta remained silent, digesting this information, but he was having trouble, he couldn't make the pieces fit together. "Who is he selling it to?" He asked finally.
"The people of the Capitol." She replied quietly. His forehead creased as it dawned on him; President Snow was using them as porn stars.
"So you knew that us… together… would be broadcasted to strangers?" he asked her in a controlled voice, "and you didn't tell me?" Katniss covered her mouth but he could hear her whimpering. "Why?"
"I couldn't let them kill Gale, and you wouldn't have done it if you knew." He considered that for a moment, it was true that he wouldn't have wanted to sleep with her if he'd have known the real circumstances, and he felt incredibly uncomfortable that other people were watching. He thought about this all for a while, ignoring her quiet crying.
"Why did you tell me it was your first time?" the question took her by surprise, and she realised she didn't have an answer, why am I such a bitch?She asked herself.
"I don't know," fresh tears stung her eyes as he nodded slowly, "I'm so sorry Peeta." She sobbed.
"Do you love him?" She bit her lip and nodded, not meeting his eyes. Peeta ignored the ache in his chest that information caused. "Do you even care about me at all?" There was no hint of anger in his voice, just a deep sadness.
"Yes! Yes of course I do! How could you think I didn't?" He raised an eyebrow at her and she lowered her eyes again, realising it was fairly obvious why he'd think that.
"So did it mean anything to you? Being with me." The sadness in his voice hurt her heart and she realised in that moment that it had meant something. She was shocked at her own revelation, she couldn't tell Peeta that but she swore to herself that she wouldn't lie to him. There was a long pause.
"I love Gale." She answered finally. Pain flickered across his face before he registered what that response could actually mean.
"That's not an answer." He countered, she looked away, she didn't like this situation. "Did it-" he began, but he was cut off by the sound of her scraping her chair back. She stood quickly.
"I came here to explain, I've been completely honest with you and now you know the situation." He jumped up, a protest on his lips but she turned and left, once she'd got through the door she began to run. It had meant something to her, but what? Something in her had broke when she saw the pain in his face, all she'd wanted to do was hold him in her arms and stroke his hair, kiss away his tears. But she loved Gale. Fuck.