There was no step 11. When Holder had come home from work, giddy and happy and overly enthusiastic about dragging her out somewhere, she hadn't managed to stop herself from snapping at him. She'd had a long day at the docks, and she was exhausted right down to her bones. And he was just this unending fountain of energy that she both envied and despised.

So she'd snapped. Told him to stop trying so hard. To quit dragging her out everywhere. That she was tired of always doing things. That she didn't want to be drug all over Seattle tonight.

She'd regretted it as soon as she saw the hurt in his eyes. And the regret grew when that hurt turned to anger and he'd snapped back.

He'd called her ungrateful. Unappreciative. Bitchy.

She'd lashed back and told him he was pushy and overbearing. Unwilling to listen.

None of it was true. But Holder had stormed out, and once she was alone in the empty apartment, remorse had set in in no time. She waited a couple of hours, pacing the apartment, sitting on the couch, uneasy and unable to stay still. The Christmas tree seemed to be taunting her. It felt like in one cranky, tired sentence she'd blown everything up and pissed Holder off. Was that all it was going to take? If he thought she was that ungrateful, would he still want her to stay?

Two hours later, he still wasn't home and she couldn't handle the oppressive silence of the apartment anymore, so she grabbed her jacket and went to Regi's.

"Holder and I had a fight," she said, as Regi opened the door. Then she shrugged, helpless to find the words, trying not to cry. And biting her tongue, because she knew the look on Regi's face well and knew that she wasn't going to escape criticism if her old friend thought she deserved it.

"So you left?" Regi asked, true to form. "Does he know you're here?"

She shook her head and swallowed, ducking into the boat as Regi held the door wider for her.

"You need to be careful, Sarah. Don't fall back into your old patterns."

"Don't," she said harshly. "Not tonight, Regi. Please." She didn't want to ruin things with two people in one night.

Regi must have seen the desperation in her face, because she nodded tightly, and squeezed Sarah's shoulder. "I'll warm you some stew."

"So are you going to tell him you're here?" Regi asked her a while later, when she'd finished poking through the stew and eaten most of it. She shook her head. "Are you going back tonight?"

"I don't want to play twenty questions, Regi. And he probably doesn't want me back there tonight. What are you doing?" she asked as Regi pulled out her phone.

"Texting Holder and letting him know where you are. Just because you're mad at him doesn't mean it's fair to leave and let him wonder where you are and if you're ever coming back."

"I'm not mad," she argued. "He's the one who's mad."

Regi finished her message, put her phone down, and sighed. "Sarah… you do know that people fight, right? Couples fight. It's natural. Ellen and I fight sometimes. It doesn't mean we're calling it quits and it certainly doesn't mean we don't love each other."

"I know that," she said, cringing. She hadn't meant to sound so abrasive, and she didn't want to fight with Regi too.

Regi moved from the chair she'd been in and sat beside her on the couch. "You've never been good about being criticized. And whenever we've fought you've been uncomfortable coming back. But you always can. And you can with Holder too. People get mad, then they get over it. He loves you, and there aren't any conditions on it."

"There never have been," she whispered.

"There aren't any here, either," Regi reminded her, pulling her into a hug.

"Thanks," she murmured, leaning into the hug for a minute. "I'm so damned tired," she whispered.

"I'll get you some blankets for the couch," Regi stood, and kissed the top of her head - a gesture she'd exhibited for as long as Sarah could remember. "You can stay for tonight. Tomorrow, though - "

"I'll go back after work," she agreed quietly. She hoped that Holder would let her. "I need to find a permanent job, too," she sighed. It was all so much to deal with.

"Hold off on that til the New Year. I may have some ideas," Regi suggested as she headed below.

She couldn't sleep. The bed felt empty. She had gotten too used to sharing it, and it felt hollow and lonely to not have Holder beside her. Which was why, despite being so bloody tired she was sure she was cross-eyed, she was still awake, crying even, when Regi came back up to answer a knock at the door. Regi went out, and she could hear a dull murmur of voices. She kept her eyes closed, even when Regi came back inside and went down below again.

Then, the bed dipped beside her, and she tensed. "I know you're awake," Holder muttered as his arm slid around her. She wanted to apologize, but she couldn't talk around the lump in her throat. She swallowed convulsively, trying to clear it, but it wouldn't budge.

"I'm tryin' real hard not to be angry with you for running off and staying somewhere else just cause we had a fight," he continued quietly. "I know you got insecurities. So this time, I'll let it go. This is me, helping you find a way to stay. But we need some ground rules. The first being, no matter what one of us has done to piss the other off, no matter how angry we are, when we go to bed we leave it at the door. We sleep together. Where we belong."

She didn't even know what to say to that, and she felt another tear roll down her cheek. She wanted to cry so badly, but she didn't want him to know that. All she could do was nod, and hug his arm tightly to her chest.

"The rest will sort itself out tomorrow," Holder decided. "Now sleep," he ordered.

She tried to relax, but she didn't fall asleep until after he did, when the steady rise and fall of his breathing lulled her. In the morning, she decided, she would tell him that she loved him. And apologize for being such a cranky bitch about everything.

But when she woke up, she was alone in the bed. Holder had already gone.