"In your house, I long to be.

Room by room, patiently.

I'll wait for you there, Like a stone.

I'll wait for you there, alone.."

-Like a stone by AudioSlave

Chapter 11: Just words

I am an ugly being.

So menacingly ugly. But I am not referring to my outside appearance. I am speaking in terms of the inside; from the very core of my heart, to the blood circling throughout my entire being. I am completely and utterly twisted.

I am apathetic. Demanding. Dispassionate. Brutal. A soul of pure anguish towards others.. But never in all my days, had I given anyone the privilege of sinking those dull-witted words into my skin.. Because they are just words..

I didn't care what their impressions of me were. I didn't care who "loved" me. I didn't care who "wanted" me. And frankly, I cared even less when people would say they "needed" me, or that I would somehow need them. All I wanted was to forget the anxious knot twisting its way through my chest. I just wanted to forget him..

And that name, in which, always burned in the very front of my memory. Finding myself, quite insolubly, constantly repeating the small syllables of his name. "Ritsu.. Ritsu… Ritsu.." I was always very, secretly attentive to the sensational way it rolled off of my tongue. It felt so natural, and yet, so foreign, knowing that he had disappeared so suddenly. All the while I say his name once more- "Ritsu," I can hear his sheepish, soft voice lingering in the air-almost singing back to me. "Sempai.."

And even after several months of waiting.. I could still smell the faint scent of his shampoo. I still pictured that petite, lean body; and those oh-so-unknowingly, alluring emerald eyes. I could still feel the warmth of his skin, the silkiness in his hair, the breath from his lips. I could still picture the smile I once swore that I would destroy. But soon enough, his sweet, seductive tone began to fade; as do all things. Those emeralds, that silky hair, that soft, sinful skin.. I was beginning to think that he was only a figment of my obscure imagination.

Oda Ritsudid not exist here.

No one knew 'Oda.' But everyone seemed to know someone similar to him: 'Onodera Ritsu.' But he couldn't be my Ritsu.. Their names were different. It couldn't have been him. In fact, I was 99.9999% positive that he was indeed not my Oda. He wasn't real anymore..

And those were the words that I had become accustomed to.

As more and more frivolous time passed, I began to only recall the name. Remembering the simple, sad, treacherous cliff he brought me to. And the one he left me stranded on not long afterwards.

People who are kind, usually want something in return. I used to truly believe that was the case, in the deepest, depths of my soul. But when it came to him, it was never like that. Never my Ritsu. He never wanted anything in return. For him, just standing by my side seemed to make him ecstatic. He was kind. He was oblivious, mouse-like, and awkward. But still, everything that made him Ritsu, made me fall harder for him all the more.

Just because it was him... ONLY because it was him- admiring me, waiting for me, loving me- that was enough to break down my barriers in one go. Simply leaving me vulnerable to unpredictable wounds.

People always tell others, "Don't do drugs. Stay away from drugs. That shit will fuck up your life." And yes-yes I agree.. I agree completely.

But in this lifetime, there was only one thing that ever truly fucked me over..

Love is the most fucked up thing of them all.. Fall in love and you'll get killed*. Isn't that how it is for all of us? We drain out all fight in us to face our demons that had made their way inside-pulsing their way through our veins. Nonetheless, evidently there wasn't a way to stop that lid from our unrequited love container, to keep from breaking apart.

It was inevitable.

And suddenly, even after you know that you are being played or used, you don't bother to try to cover that container anymore. You have no reason to. There's no way to put it back together the way it was before...Because.. You can't fix what's been so badly broken.*

You just can't.

In this world, there are many things that can make you, or break you. They are just words. Only words. But words can tear you limb by limb. Painfully. Sadistically. Mercilessly.

Words can have such an effect on you.. by being so compatibly complex, such as: "I love you.."

Those words are used without questions or phases. And I've doubtlessly reiterated them over and over, regretting having missed the opportunity to speak them to him. To Oda. And It's years and years of this repetitive form that quakes my core, startling me like a child would be when alone in the dark. Even after 5 years run-off of booze and promiscuous acts, I know that the world has shifted, therefore, so must I. It's then when I reluctantly gimmick, no matter the circumstances, that I will refuse to speak the undeniable piece of the love I held- and still hold enthralling and lithographing beneath my shielded heart.

Despite it all, saying the right thing at the right moment is usually seldom-almost beyond dire. So much so, in fact, that at the very moment I open my mouth to make or break him,

I hesitate.

People stress that usually hesitation begins with fear. Perhaps it is the common fear of 'saying the wrong thing at the wrong time.' Though, between all the scenarios I've reminisced through countless times, I know that in reality, things are usually 70% different than how we thought them to be. Leaving us to wince back, escaping that 5 second illusion of what should've happened, and into real life.

Real life..

There is no definition to 'real life.' Because whether you're raised in a home like mine, or a home like Oda's, our perspectives will always be 99% different. Real life could be waking up from a night terror, and snuggling into your mother's bed, so she can slowly poise you back into a beautiful slumber. Or real life could be the joy of sleeping a façade you-in the strictest confidence-yearn for, before grimly awakening to a nightmare you wished was solely a dream.

Nonetheless, words can also put someone back together. The words that do, are the one's we thought we could never catch the courage to say. And back then, I realize, I should've opened up and told Oda how I felt more than once. I should've realized how fragile he was.. It was quite obvious he was somewhat insecure. Stagnantly, I hadn't really ever given him a candid response as to what my affections were. I had whispered it ever so softly our first night together.. But now I grumble through my thoughts, too late to realize he believed it was just a fable of his wildest dreams. I distressingly dwell on the fact that I should've cast aside my pride, stood before him like the tough, unfazed 'man' I was, and told the truth about how he made my heart pound.

It's always been those words, that make, break, mend and crack someone. They are the vocabulary that will haunt us the longest. That simple, plain, "I love you," was what I spoke to the mirror for practice-pretending that I had been given another chance to embrace my uneasy, tattered affections for him. And yet, I know that years ago, I never did have the strength to confess bluntly minded so easily. It couldn't be that easy. But in 'real life,' it really was that easy. Through the years we were parted, I would constantly think to myself, 'I should've. I should've said them. Maybe he wouldn't have left me. Maybe he wouldn't have disappeared into thin air. Maybe he would truly, unfathomably love me.' But he did leave me. Not only disappearing into thin air, but leaving me unfathomably in love with him. Which is something I had never thought possible.

But there is always that slim chance of it being pieced together, delicately being mended. Some conclude that it has to do with the phrase, 'Time heals.' Others will tell you that it's with rejecting the memories altogether. But in an even slimmer chance, fate will step in- And fate, is Karma's best friend.

And fate- Ha. It must've taken pity on me. But Karma, he wouldn't let me live- not without a cold, civil war between my desires and his needs. It was alas, my years worth of drunken sobs and prayers had been semi-answered.

However, seeing him everyday, avoiding me and glaring at me with such anger and ruptured disposition, it practically killed me. It itched my barely sewn wounds. His presence poured salt into them, making them burn so much more than I had ever burned before. But his presence also poured vaccine; unknowingly giving me stronger will to win him over for the second time in our lives. I so desperately wanted to crush him to a pulp for all the wrong he did me, then at the same time, I wanted kiss him all over; Hold him as close as possible, and willingly break down into a million-fucking, shattered pieces. …Then hearing how he truly believed that I was the one who 'didn't' love him-that made it ache all the more. Because that means that I was the one who fucked up. If only he had known. If onlyI had known. But I can't help who I love. No one can help who they love.

You're just not supposed to..

No matter how emotionally, physically, and mentally torturous it may be, the heart want's what it wants. My better perception had been tossed aside in a spilt second, when I found out it was my long lost Ritsu. I had distinguished my treacherous heart in the bittersweet nostalgic . Clouding all things, hazing all around me- simply allowing myself to swell overwhelmed with want and a love so unbearable, I subconsciously stood through the thickening air of half-hearted rejection.

We can never force ourselves to not care. No matter how many times you repeat, 'I don't care, I don't care, I don't care,' it only proves that on the shield you brought over and around your heart, is not as strong as you thought it was.

People say to 'listen to your heart,' or 'follow your heart!' But in 'real life,' it's our hearts that lead to our destructive, bloody downfall. That's the way it will always be, because that's the way it always was. Everyone forgets,

That we are vulnerableand defenseless when we are in love.

And maybe it isn't the freefall or landing that hurts the most, what really hurts, perhaps it's the fact that it will, no matter what. Yes, maybe that's what really leads to our failures and bitter dispositions. The fact that we cannot control our emotions without fault, or time our actions perfectly.

But the crazy thing is, is that his feelings were always much further ahead then mine. They were always pouring out of him so easily. Although it took me eleven years to realize that he did not do me wrong, I now understand how much he loved/loves me. I finally understand, for the first time in my life, what it means to willingly wait and chase someone. The chasing is finally over.

All there to do now is to wait.

Ritsu folded his hands neatly on the deep-brown colored table. Before him, sat James, with an bored expression, shifting glances throughout the café. James took an irritated breath before Ritsu began.

"James, I wanted you to know that i'm sorry." The blonde's expression did not change. He rested his cheek on his fist, looking very irritated at the start of the conversation.

"What the hell do you have to be sorry for? You're a big boy; you don't need to tell people you're sorry." Ritsu made a light huff with his breath, already imagining scenarios that will most likely happen. He prepared himself, sucking in more oxygen, and nodding his head.

"Look, I know you don't wanna hear it, but I am sorry." James' clicked his tongue, shaking his head 'no' at the brunette.

"No, just fucking stop Ritsu. You always do this. You say, 'I'm sorry,' when you have nothing to be sorry for. Don't you get it? People are taking advantage of you."

"Oh," Ritsu was taken back, giving a stern, shocked gaze at the blonde. "So, people like you?"

James stiffened, slamming his palm on the table and leaning in closer to Ritsu's space. "Don't talk to me like I'm the one who was fucked up. That was all you baby."

Ritsu turned away, throat suddenly feeling dry and head swirling in dizzy notions. "Don't talk to me like I'm a toy. I'm not." Ritsu swallowed the frog in his throat, not even daring to look at James who was probably fuming with rage.

"Ritsu. Don't go there on me. I will lay all your shit bare. All of it. Don't even start with that crap about me treating you like a toy. If anyone was mistreated here it was me. So fuck you Ritsu. Fuck you." James clutched onto the long sleeves Ritsu wore, holding it firmly to keep himself from raising his hand.

Ritsu held his eyes shut, slightly relived that they were somewhat secluded from other people in the café. He peeked an eye opened, peering it to his right for a quick glance at Takano, who was intently watching their every move.

James pulled away from Ritsu, slouching back into his seat and crossing his arms. "Why are you being like this? You said you wanted to chill, and we're here. But all you've done is sit there like you've never laid a hand on me in your life."

"I never said I hadn't laid a hand on you. In fact, that's one reason I'm apologizing to you now. Even though I'm a few years too late, I am sorry. I led you on and it hurt you in more ways than one. I regret not being able to love you in any way more than a friend, but I've only ever loved one person! And that's-"

"Sempai." James mocked the name, mimicking it in a soft, girlish voice. "Yea, yea. I get it. But then why are you fucking around with that guy who answered the door? I know you're sleeping with him. You have to be, considering the way he looked at you like he owned you. How would your stupid Sempai feel now? He's probably out fucking all the hoes he can and you're still here, barely moving on after what? Ten years? That's pathetic."

Ritsu rolled his eyes, snorting behind his hand. James glared at him, a sign that he was growing more tense then before. "He's my Senpai." Ritsu casually smiled, shrugging to the thought.

"Well of course he's your Senpai, you look younger than him. Stupid." James muttered, now rubbing his temples in small circles to relax.

Ritsu chuckled, mostly to himself, and twisted a few strands of his hair between his index finger and thumb. "No. I mean, he is my Senpai." James froze. The two exchange long stares between each other. Both taking in the facts accordingly, and both of them still trying to figure out how coincidental it turned out to be.

"So.. that guy…That guy is.." Ritsu nodded, turning a soft gaze toward Takano, who was still sitting in the café, patiently waiting for him to finish this unsolved conflict from his past. James stole a glance at the raven across the room.

His gaze was so loving.. So fondly doting on Ritsu. It was an expression of what appeared to be relief and reassurance toward the brunette. He had never seen such a heartfelt look. And if he ever had, no other could top the shockingly breathless one before him. He was almost envious of that man.. almost. And that almost envious sense made it all the more difficult to control the sudden sentiment towards the two. Everything had become so detrimental since the day he found Ritsu's beautiful hair scattered all over the bathroom's counter and floor.

But maybe, Ritsu left it as a sign for him. Maybe it indirectly pointed in both parties' directions- as an indication of his own personal pursuit of happiness.

It must've been. No, it had to have been. Because if Ritsu hadn't gone back home to face the demons that haunted him, he wouldn't be able to face the other set of demons that traced his existence back here.

James' eyes slowly moved back and forth between the two, who's eyes were locked on each other- blocking out all else in the room.

It seemed that he and Ritsu were wrong.

It wouldn't be a brief moment of happiness and a lifetime of regret that they held. It would be a brief moment of regret and a lifetime of happiness that they couldn't see. In the end, Ritsu didn't need to try to feel worthwhile again, It was really himself that needed to allow the pieces to come back.

"Ritsu.." James stood from the table, gently patting the brown mop across from him. "Maybe in the next life, we'll do things right.." Ritsu, quite baffled, watched silently as the blonde turned to leave.

James stopped near Takano's table, neither of them making any sort of eye contact. "You really are impossible to compete with." Takano smirked confidently, responding with a light 'hmph.' Nothing more was said, and James disappeared from the café in a matter of seconds. Takano stood to make his way towards Ritsu, who appeared distressed and relieved all at the same time.

"Ritsu?" The brunette stood from his seat quietly, giving his hair a brush of his fingertips.

"Takano-san?" He mumbled, taking a deep breath through his nose. "I think I finally understand now." Takano shook his head slowly, trying to piece whatever Ritsu was speaking of together.

"Which is?..." Emerald eyes stared at him, lighting up with that tint of determination and glint he had always loved.

"Words are nothing more than just words." Ritsu took hold of Takano's hand, intertwining their fingers together. Takano was shocked at the bold move, but made no protest to stop it.

"Okay, but what do you mean you 'finally understand' now?" Ritsu smiled to himself, both of them heading towards the exit and into the first glimpses of the sunlight.

He shook his head. "Nothing."

But they both understood what he didn't say. Because he didn't have to when actions are louder than the words he hasn't found the courage to express yet.

'I was going to say that I love you.'

Takano gave Ritsu a gentle smile, placing a soft kiss on the back on his hand as they walked.

'Not that you don't already know that..'

"In all I read, till the day was gone

and I sat in regret for all the things I've done

For all that I've blessed, and all that I've wronged.

In dreams till my death, I will wonder on.."-like a stone

One more chapter after this guys! Holy shit balls. Time flies. XO Give me your thoughts por favor ;) Thank you for reading

-J.J.

** The phrases with the stars mean that they are from something else. I do not own them. Or the characters from SIH.

Song name: Like a stone by Audioslave