"Katniss..." I hear it again, except this time, it's twisted and swirled in my foggy thoughts. I'm stumbling backwards, clutching the wall behind me. This must be a nightmare, a sick, twisted dream, like so many others I have had before. I just need to wake up.
I squeeze my eyes tightly closed, hoping for relief, but when I open them again, I find that things have not changed. Standing in front of me is my oldest friend and hunting partner. Gale steps out of the elevator, waiting for something, anything, but I don't move any closer. I don't understand how this is possible, how he is here. Now, it seems, this night has gone deeper into my tangled past than ever before. Peeta, Annie, and now, Gale. I can't make sense of anything now, it is too late and I am too tired and things are too complicated. I'm sure the reality will hit me more directly tomorrow, but for now, I am left with the foggy quality of the present, grasping for the truth.
When he steps into the light, and his face is shown clearly, something in my brain is triggered. Surges of energy pump through my body, and I can feel the anger boiling in my stomach. Everything that he has done, all the pain he has inflicted, I am feeling it now. I want him gone.
This time, I step forward, reaching toward him. He takes this as an act of welcoming and joy, but he is wrong. But he interprets to be a hug turns into a powerful shove, and he is pushed against the wall. I know that he must weigh twice as much as me, but it was his unpreparedness that weakened him. He looks towards me, and I can see the obvious hurt in his eyes.
"What are you doing?" He asks, and I can feel my throat burning. I can't believe that Gale is really here, in the Capitol. I didn't know what happened to him after the war, just that he had moved to another District, Two I think, and that was it. We never spoke again. Until now.
I don't answer him, because I am afraid that the words won't come out. I am only thinking of Prim, young, sweet Prim, and the fire burns in my stomach again. I need to get away before I do something I will regret.
My eyes move to the elevator, and I dart forward, sliding through the opened doors. I slap my hand against the buttons inside, not even checking to see what I press. It doesn't matter, though, as long as I can escape this nightmare.
"Wait!" he shouts, and he slams his hand onto the door, and they automatically slide back open. I back into the corner of the small, plush compartment, and I turn from him, afraid to see his face again.
"Katniss, please," He almost begs, but I don't budge. I just want this to all go away.
"Just let me explain," He says, and he reaches forward, gently brushing against my arm. When I feel his touch, I flinch, pulling away. I can see the horrid look on his face, shame and pain. And although some old part of me wants to feel bad, all I can think of his Prim.
"No," I finally growl, shaking my head slowly. The elevator doors close again, and I can feel it slowly starting to rise. When he hears the anger in my voice, it must finally hit him. He backs away to the opposite corner, sighing and shaking his head. I listen to the dongs of each floor passing by, and the gentle voice announcing each floor. When we reach Eleven, the door slides open.
"I'm-" He pauses as his voice breaks, "I'm sorry." He steps out of the door, and I give him one last look. He looks back towards me, with his broken, sorrowful, expression, and I would notice it anywhere. It's the same look he wore when I finally returned from the Games with Peeta. Except now, I feel no guilt.
The water beating against my back stings with heat, and I let it pound my whole body clean of anything my prep team left on me. Make-up, hairspray, everything; washed down the drain. My stomach rumbles in hunger, but I ignore the sensation. Now, when I am still hazy with sleep, everything that I feel is dull and has yet to hit me with full force. I know, though, that the regrets of last night are soon to crash down. I just hope that I don't hurt anyone else in the process.
I shampoo my hair clean, and then I scrub down my whole body. I'm sampling a peachy soap on my legs when I hear the familiar click of the bathroom door. I freeze, afraid of who waits outside the translucent shower doors. I squint my eyes through the fogged glass, and I make out a tall and sturdy figure.
"Katniss?" Peeta's voice echoes against the bathroom walls, and I immediately relax. Although the thought of Peeta in my bathroom while I shower does seem a little strange, it's better than most alternatives. But then, seeing his figure and hearing his voice, I can finally feel things starting to crash.
"Yes?" I say shakily, and I carefully slide the glass door open. As soon as Peeta realizes my state, his eyes dart away, and I can see his cheeks burning. I reach for a towel, and then after wrapping up, step out of the shower and onto the cool tile floor.
"Don't worry, I'm decent now." I say, and he turns back towards me, gently smiling.
"Who's pure now?" I ask teasingly, remembering back to that day in the elevator. Peeta just shakes his head, laughing.
"I guess I'm only innocent around you," He suggests, and I smile. He does too, but then his expression hardens.
"I didn't come just to watch you get out of the shower," He says with a half smile, but then the hard expression returns, "I—I didn't see you come in last night, and then, your door was locked. I was worried that..." He trails off, but I just shake my head. I am already feeling guilty, and also, scared. Before, it seemed like things might actually start to work out with Peeta, if we could rebuild our friendship without too much difficulty. I thought I had bundled my past away, but obviously, I didn't do it well enough. Gale is here, and I don't know what I'm going to do.
Peeta must see the tense expression I hold on my face, because he steps closer, gently touching my bare arm.
"Are you alright?" He asks, and I look up, afraid to answer. The truth is, I'm not. I thought I was ready to be with Peeta again, to feel his warmth, but I was wrong. I am not as strong as I estimated. One person, just one, could relight the flame of my past in an instant. Except, is Gale just one person? Or is he more? He used to be, but now, I'm not sure what to think.
"I'm sorry," I say to Peeta, and he looks confused. "I just—can't." I force out the last word, and then step past Peeta into my room. From the way I stand, he knows what I am suggesting.
"I..." I starts, but he just shakes his head. He gives me one last broken glance, and then leaves the room, leaving his disappointment hanging in the air.
I collapse back onto the bed, letting the tears flow, but nothing happens. I just lay there, wrapped in the wet towel and the soft blankets, silently and dryly sobbing to myself. I just want Prim, to feel her warmth, to tuck in her too-big blouse, to remind her to be careful. Gale has only soaked my bandages with his appearance last night. My wounds that Peeta was finally starting to heal have reopened. I am setting into darkness. I am not longer a setting sun, but a dark and hallowed night. Gale has forced my last flicker away, and now, I am just darkness. Nothing, compared to Peeta's glowing light.
I want to fall asleep and let the pain drift away, but I can't. My hunger has become irresistible, and if I don't get up now, I'm afraid I never will.
I slide into a dress, leaving my dripping hair tangled and knotty. When I walk into the dining area, I find Roman, Effie and Haymitch all seated at the table eating lunch. They all turn when they see me, their chatter ceasing. I don't bother to say hello; I just sit down and serve myself some tender beef and a slice of bread. The room is still silent when my am cutting away at steak.
"I don't know what you did to that boy, but he didn't seem too happy when he left your room." Haymitch says through a bite of bread, but I don't look up.
"Just leave her alone, now." Effie says, and for once, I am thankful for her. I don't need Haymitch's mocking tone right now, and I'm doing all I can to not jump across the table and claw him. Again.
Eventually, Effie brings up the topic of the party, and although they are all full of stories, I excuse myself early. I can't sit here and listen, not after what happened. I go back to my room, and I flip through the display screen on the window, watching different scenes. A stormy sky, children at the beach, ants crawling through the dirt. When I can't stand even that any longer, I walk back out, but I find only Haymitch. He's drinking, what smells like liquor, and although Effie wouldn't approve, she seems no where near.
I sit down across from him, and he just gives me a glance. I swallow hard.
"You knew? I mean, you know. That he's here." I ask, and he just watches me for a minute, and then he nods.
"Of course I knew. I thought you would have pieced it together last night. I didn't even know about that kid of Finnick's." He says with a sigh. I can see the regret in his eyes, and it's obvious that he feels pain in the mentioning of Finnick as well.
"Why is he here?" I ask, even though it sounds childish.
"He fought just the same," He reminds me, and then adds "But something tells me he had another motive."
When he says this, I look at him strangely. He just sloshes the ice cubes in his glass for a while, and then looks up again.
"I don't care what happens with Gale, just...don't go breaking any breaking any more hearts." He says grimly, and I know he must be speaking of Peeta. As much as I would like to think that I haven't broken Peeta's heart, I know it's not true. I have hurt him more times than I can count. Gale's heart, though, I'm not so worried about.
"You don't think Gale deserves the favor returned?" I spit angrily.
"I think you're above that," He replies with a frown.
"He stopped deserving my respect a long time ago." I point out, but Haymitch just frowns.
"And don't you think he might be sorry?" He suddenly exclaims, startling me.
"Are you defending him?" I shout back, not believing what I am hearing. Is Haymitch on Gale's side now? I don't understand.
"I might be!" He shouts, "I just can't watch you ruin everything you stick your nose into!"
"Me? I'm ruining things? The only thing that's ever showed you a sense of security is a bottle of liquor!" I shout, but when I say it, I can see the pain shooting onto his face. First, it's a hint of sadness, but then, fury. He grits his teeth and glares up at me.
"That's just rich," He hisses, and I want to apologize, but the look on his face tells me it's not the right time. "Go, ruin things again. What do I care? I've watched you hurt Peeta more times than I can count! What's another tally on the board?" I can feel the sting in his words, and I can't stand to be here any more. I make a dash for the door, leaving Haymitch and his foul words behind.
The worst part through all of it, his speech and his anger, is the fact that I can't deny it. It's true and I know it. I'm a monster, just hidden by secrets and lies. Gale showing up here has just brought them to light. I slam the door, and I stalk the hall for a while, trying to let my anger and frustration steam out, but it's without success. These walls are confining me, I just wish I could be back in the woods. The fresh air, the open space, all of it. I need room to think.
And that's when I remember. The roof.
I don't even stop. I head straight down the hall, turning at the corner. The large, thick door looks just the same as before, and I carefully ease it open. In side lies the stair way, and then at the top, a door. An opened door.
Peeta...
He's the only one who would know about this place, and it makes sense. Is he waiting for me up there? For an apology? For an explanation? Before I reach for the knob, I stop. I don't think I can provide either of those things for him, but maybe I can work up the strength to at least mention what happened with Gale. I take a deep breath, and then let it out. I turn the small brass knob and let the rush of the spring air hit me. The sun is bright and blinding at first, and I squint to try to make anything out. Once I adjust, I can clearly make out the his figure, standing near the edge. I take a step closer, looking for his distinctive features. I go to call his name, but stop mid-breath. This is not Peeta. This is a nightmare.
"Katniss," Gale calls, and I can see the pure bewilderment on his face. I immediately feel resentment, not specifically at Gale, but at the fact that he found this place. As far as the Capitol goes, this place was more comforting than any. But mostly, this was our place. Peeta and me, under the sun or the stars. Gale's presence feels wrong.
I'm not sure what to say or do, but I instinctively start to back up towards the door again. When he sees this, he runs forward, calling for me to wait.
"Katniss, please," He pleads, and when he says it, some part of me freezes. Maybe it's his voice, or maybe it's just seeing his eyes again, but I can't move.
"What are you doing here?" I state, and being the first real thing I have said to him in months, it's rather dry. But, when he hears my voice, he immediately looks more alert. He seems surprised to finally hear it.
"I—uh..." He stumbles on his words, trying to form a sentence. "Haymitch told me you come up here sometimes," He admits, and I immediately feel even more fury towards Haymitch. So, he was not only aware of Gale's being here, but he has spoken directly with him. What else is he hiding from me?
I don't respond, because anger is overtaking me. I'm afraid that if I say anything else, I will just erupt on Gale like a raging volcano of hatred. Not that I really care. I guess I just don't want him to see me so weak and vulnerable.
"I'm sorry about last night," He says, but again, I don't respond. The empty silence is filled only with the sounds of cars and people below.
"Please, Katniss. I need to hear you." He pleads, and finally, that sets me off.
"You need to hear me?" I ask astounded. "And you think through all this time that I didn't want a friend's voice again?"
"Then why didn't you? You knew where I was, you could have found me. " He begs, his eyes searching for answers.
"I said I wanted to hear a friend, Gale. Not you." I answer coldly, and I can almost see the pain striking his chest. He sighs with sadness and shakes his head. He just stands there for a while, watching me.
"This isn't you," He finally says, "I was this person. Weak, angry, tormented. You were the one that always reasoned with me, helped me see. And now, you're just the same as I was."
"I'll never be you!" I snarl.
"But you are! Don't you realize? I targeted those in pain, who couldn't understand. I could never see things any other way than my own, and look where I am now. You're entangling me in your snare just like I used to." He states, and his words burn in my mind. I want to thrash about and push away and say it's not true, but, something deep inside agrees. I have hated him all this time for the pain he inflicted, and now, am I doing just the same?
"You think I don't repeat that day through my mind all the time? To think how I could have stopped Coin, convinced her there was another way?" He asks, and I can hear the ache in his voice.
"Well, it's too late." I say, "Because Prim is dead by your snare, not mine."
And this time, I've hit too hard. He backs away, tears obviously swelling in his eyes. I'm angry and sick and depressed in the thought of it all, and Gale has just blown it up even greater. I turn to go, because I can't take anymore, but not before I catch his last words.
"I'm sorry."
But deep down, I know it's not enough.