HELLO EVERYONE I AM NOT DEAD

AND ID LIKE TO APOLOGIZE FOR BEING THE MOST MASSIVE FUCKASS IN HISTORY.

long story short, life kind of catches you off guard and suddenly time is passing at an incomprehensible pace.

I can make no promises at this point because at any moment I could become consumed with the fact that my senior year is approaching or that a friend of mine is going to jail, or that my best friends are absolutely driving me insane by their over the top sexual tensions and bullshit of that matter, but none of that concerns you.

I really am sorry, I know exactly how it feels to love a story, or at least follow it and then one day the author just completely drops the entire thing and your left like "WTF, SRSLY?" and then everyone is just mad, well i would not be happy with having that happen to anyone who reads or likes my story, so yes I will be seeing this through to the end.

I rewrote this chapter countless times, lost it countless times (from my own carelessness =_=) and I grew a lot as a writer and a person so my style (if that's even a definite thing) has probably changed, but IDGAF I WILL BE GIVING YOU CHAPTERS, because you are the people that make this stuff happen, the encouragements and even rants have given me confidence and the drive to actually not be a total piece of fecal matter and finish what I started, so pat yourselves on the backs.

My dog died recently so:

Cookie

FEB1995-JUL2011

I love you puppy.

CHAPTER !0

You've got yourself things

That you've been running from

You either love it or I guess you don't

You're such a pretty thing

To be running from anyone

A vision with nowhere to go

Ready to go (Get Me Out Of My Head)- Panic! At the Disco

"What should we do?" A small raven-haired child whispered to the somewhat looming figure crouching beside her. Both persons attempting to conspicuously hide themselves from the drama unraveling before them.

"That, kid, is a good question." The hunched over man beside her responded in a whisper, despite the fact that the observed party were probably too occupied to hear anything anyways.

Indignant at the simple response, the slight child bristled and took a cursory glance at the man beside her before making an impudent "humph." And turning back to the scene at hand.

Despite the cast being dismissed for lunch, two of said cast sat enraptured by the exchange taking place between the two extremely famous men and young flustered starlet. The copper color of her hair was offset by the intense blush that encompassed her face; partially creeping down her neck and up her ears. Despite this she stood enclosed on herself looking like a doe caught between two fairly intimidating, blazing headlights.

The two men flanking either side of her were a conundrum of sorts in terms of emotional correspondence. One smiling intensively and the other, merely glaring disdainfully the picture of perfect antagonism. Which really wasn't normal for either.

The only thing that kept either of the cloaked observers from moving from the safety of the concealing wall was the undeniably frightful aura radiating from the venomously glaring man. A dark, perforating atmosphere that seemed to swirl violently around the intensifying power of the brown-haired man's grey eyes. It spread like airborne poisons keeping the young girl and even the full grown man rooted to the spot.

Tsuruga Ren they had both heard, was notorious for a soft, gentle demeanor… so then, where the hell had that man gone? That question plagued the mind of the elder of the two squatters.

Wherever said man had been spirited away to, he had left his body behind; the entity that now occupied it was clearly immensely different. The malevolence the man exuded at a threatening six foot two inches should've had the slightly younger singer shrinking back, but there was no capitulation on either side.

The two, hiding quietly behind the sectioned off wall shared a transitory look, whispering briefly concerning the events leading up to this psychological showdown, before movement caught their attention. Riled to the point of explosion; the larger of the two had pounced, latching ferociously onto the small spritely girls dainty wrist in a wincing grip. She hissed and the blonde haired boy's eyes darkened quickly as he opened his mouth, and stepped forward to combat this clear assault. However, the soft spoken brush of the copper haired girl's hand against his forearm addressing him with a smile despite her clear discomfort stilled his movements and he looked apologetic as she bid him goodbye.

At this admission and the accompanying smile that lit up the sweet pixie features, something seemed to snap in the hulking figure of the man restraining her. She waved regretfully back at the shrinking blonde figure, as the brunette whipped around and dragged her violently away.

Impartial to the mistreatment of the sweet lady, the older of the crouched counterparts began to unbend to chase after the pair. Unfortunately at that very moment a small hand grappled his pant leg almost sending his two toned visage into a sure collision with the splattered marble floor. He hissed as he regained his balance and turned to scold the child and was startled when her small hand jerked him back down to the floor and whispered angrily.

"Don't bother them, you shouldn't evade others privates." She spoke very seriously with a perfectly straight face. The man couldn't help but laugh and correct the misspoken words and he only received a glare and particularly vicious pinch for it.

"Ouch, hey, but she could be hur-" He was cut off by that small "all- knowing" voice.

"He won't hurt her." Her speech was so clear and confident; the small actress didn't appear five at all, but an age worthy of her own detective perception. "He cares about her, he… can't do that." The assuredness of the girls voice set the much larger man at ease, though his doubt still lingered as he stared at the entranced blonde. Rubbing at his sleeve where the copper haired starlet's hand had last made contact before turning in the direction she had disappeared off to and gazing longingly. As if he wanted to chase, but something was keeping him from.

The partially pallid haired man could only hope the child beside him was correct.

Kyoko

His grip tightened so mercilessly around my wrist I was sure that my sudden absence from the script run through wasn't the only reason my "friend" would be scolding me. In fact, scolding might be too lenient, the thought of him physically punishing me in this case didn't jump as much of a shocking thought to me. Especially now, staring at the tension seizing the muscles on his back and forcing them to clench and unclench, moving as if to restrain his anger, which I'm almost positive is what he was attempting.

The fear came though when I realized what conclusion he might've jumped to, upon finding me in the arms of my once most hated rival. He'd think me a frivolous girl, for being so eager to jump sides, but this was merely reconciliation, and afterall he was the one who said a person should be forgiven if they sincerely apologize.

So it should be okay right? For me to forgive Sho… but not as to say I was laying my heart out for the man again. That emotion had completely disappeared, been obliterated. Just because I admitted to missing him as a friend, I can't see what I ever saw in his arrogance. Love might still be a capability for me in dealing with friendship and dare I think it even family figures, but I was positive romance was something I'd simply never thrive in.

Which I was fine with, but having my senpa- friend think that I'd returned to a blind life encroached in an equally blind love disturbed some part of me. With that thought solidified I made the quick decision to explain clearly what transpired between myself and Shotarou when he'd found us, so to clear up any misunderstandings between us, since we were friends.

Seeing as he was dragging me quite relentlessly though; jerking my body forward with each of his long furious strides, there really was only one way to stop him. Bracing myself, I dug the heels of my two inch boots into the waxed marble, which wasn't really as effective as I thought it'd be and he managed to drag me another ten feet before he noticed my stationary form.

He slowed almost immediately and I was sent sailing into his chest from the sudden stop and he grasped my waist in an almost protective manner as he absorbed my momentum so I wouldn't send us tumbling.

For a moment I stayed there pressed against the warm familiar scent of his cashmere sweater and the soft rise and fall of his chest as he breathed. In that small span of time his arm tightened around my waist, bringing me closer to him, burying me in his presence, so much so that my ear pressed against his chest could pick up on the irregularly fast beat of his heart. But suddenly this was all shattered as his body tensed visibly, flinching away from me as he shoved his arms between us holding me at arm's length as if I was something putrid smelling. The grimace on his face only made matters worse for me; a sudden overlap of my mother and her quick to lash methods of distance placement was all it took for me to pull away. The feeling only momentarily regained, began to shatter, a hope that lay inside me broke into pieces with the rejection written so bluntly on his face.

What exactly had I hoped for, I couldn't fathom. Understanding? Happiness? Support? Friendship? It all seemed so unfounded now.

I knew that this would probably happen, sometimes I'm just too annoying to bear and I thought I understood that, but perhaps believing Re- Tsuruga-san and I could ever be friends was a fatal mistake. I capitalized on the foolishness I had once again exhibited in thinking that I had the right. Feeling all the more of an idiot, I figured now was as good as any a time to just leave. I could take a hint, he was angry, fed up with me. The best thing to do would be to leave.

Despite knowing this was undeniably somehow my fault, I couldn't keep my eyes from watering at the prospect of somehow having messed this once in a lifetime chance to be closer to- Unfortunately I didn't have time to finish this thought seeing as it was immediately stilled by the warmth pressed closer than ever.

Confusion couldn't begin to explain my emotions.

Ren

I had to get myself under control; this wasn't good. I had no right to continually drag her along like she was some limp Raggedy Ann, and I realized that clearly when I felt a lag in my tense steps, from her planting her feet firmly on the ground. I stopped immediately, suddenly conscious of my abusive nature at the moment and appalled that I'd take it out on her, of all people. I didn't have the time to scold myself on this though as her slight figure collided with mine.

The frailty of how small she really was hit me, as I found that one of my arms could wrap around her fully. I'd been dragging her along with a deathlike grip on her tiny wrists, unconcerned of her own discomfort. The thought made me sick and I cradled her to my body breathing in the wispy strands of her hair in some form of apologetic comfort.

Her closeness though offset the image of her in another man's arms and the flare of jealousy that ripped through me became so intense I couldn't bear it. I feared I'd hurt her again if I didn't create some distance between us, I'd just gotten her to knock down the wall separating us interpersonally, the last thing I'd need is for her to be afraid of me. Jerking away I kept her at arms length, to prevent myself from squeezing her small form to myself.

Having to do things as such, push her away just because I couldn't even control myself reminded me of how undeserving I was of the beautiful girl whom I held. So sweet, so innocent and kind hearted enough so to forgive a man of his crimes against her even if it hurt. This reminder of what I'd stumbled upon just made my wincing heart more prominent as I forced my agony into a grimace.

Taking a breath to gain some semblance of self, I felt her shy out of my hold, stepping back and hiding her pretty face behind her tresses and the shadows they cast over her expressive golden eyes. Would she be angry, probably scold me for my unprofessional behavior in leaving to chase after her, or would she apologize for taking so long.

Knowing her, or assuming upon her predictability a smile despite my chagrin, quirked at my lips as I bet everything on the last reaction. Unfortunately I wasn't right this time. I waited, but nothing happened, no movement, she didn't even look up. I caught a glimpse of her face as she swung her vision to the side and up, away from me for only a moment. And the product of the quick transitory movement was a single broken hearted tear that slid down her soft cheek.

My eyebrows shot up as the defenseless look of abandonment shown clearly to me in her stance and I felt my stomach and heart plunge as if I had just purposefully played a part in the torture of some poor creature. Realizing that she must've taken that entire exchange in a bad way, I moved forward just as she was preparing to turn away from me, enveloping her in my arms.

I wouldn't let her be hurt, even if I agonized in the fact that I didn't deserve such an ethereal miracle of a woman. I would gladly be selfish to prevent her from feeling this way ever. I should've known, pushing her away couldn't be worse of an idea.

Brushing my fingers through her hair and sweeping down her back soothingly with my other arm, the placating motions seemed to take effect as she shivered lightly then relaxed into me. The momentary happiness that eclipsed me, purged completely the jealous anger, enthused by Fuwa. I didn't even know the name at that point, merely enjoying her presence in my arms.

It didn't take me long to figure out that the friend she had spoke of was surely Fuwa, after stumbling upon their heart-warming, nauseating bout of comfort with one another. I stressed to myself that she thought of him as a friend and that was all he was, nothing more.

My arms tightened around her and I buried my face in her soft auburn locks, breathing in the scent of fuschia and honey. Her own personal aroma that I found myself missing every time she left my presence. She didn't stiffen this time, but instead arms locked around me and held me just as close. I smiled into the soft hair and took the response as a good sign.

I won't be letting you get away from me little girl.

Where the hell her friend was, she couldn't fathom. And what was more, she couldn't fathom the "coincidental" missing presence of one particularly involved suitor. She didn't trust Tsuruga as far as she could throw him, and now even less. Surely her friend was jumbled, shaken; from her performance.

Naomi had seemed the living embodiment of insanity and resentment. Not a character at all but a person breathing the air once Kyoko's. The torment the psyche could endure in reflecting a character was already great coupled with the fact that this character was actually suffering a mental illness. The issues and complications with identifying between oneself and a character was great, but she had the utmost respect for Kyoko. She was the actress that could do it, bring to life a sickly magnanimous person who seemed more self destructive under the pretence of her actions; Kyoko had the depth… the history. But Kyoko was still human and Kanae was her best friend. One intensely worried, by then.

If Kanae had thought that Kyoko's intuitive acting skills and presence on screen was powerful before, she thought her more a goddess behind cameras now. Even with her unbiased opinion of her friends work she just, couldn't dismiss the fact that somewhere in some abandoned hallway that tall airhead could be taking advantage of her. True she didn't think THAT lowly of the man, what with his reputation completely unmarred, but even then that was suspicious. She just couldn't trust the girl to men, not now. Especially not now. Kyoko was still somewhat scarred from the entire Sho ordeal, Kanae knew that like she knew the sky was blue. Her friend wasn't ready for love, not that type anyway.

As Kanae stomped through the hallways intent on finding her friend and dragging her back, the thoughts of finding little Kyoko pressed up against some wall in some sketched out hallway by some sketch star drove her four inch heeled pace into over drive. She would not let her friend, her Kyoko become pray for some clingy pretty boy.

The cacophony of clacking heels alerted the blonde singer to the quick approach of a rushing female, feeling hopeful that it was his returning childhood friend, rushing back to tell him proudly of the earful she'd just given that over pretentious gorge star. With that in mind Shou turned with a bright smile plastered across his lips only to come face to face with another unfamiliar woman rushing toward him a look akin to a riled empress. Her gait was powerful and purposeful, an atmosphere of divine fury enveloping her countenance as she dashed towards him her raven locks whipping angrily to and fro in synchrony with her steps.

Shou watched somewhat entranced by this beauties sheer presence, before her eyes landed on him and that intrinsically beautiful rage became four times as great and suddenly directed at him. The abrupt narrowing of eyes and dark snarl that snapped at the girls lips had the seventeen year-old taking a quick step backwards as he pointed a finger at himself dumbly. His only response was an even nastier glare and a raven haired woman suddenly barreling at him.

What had he done now?

So this is what that damn woman had meant.

"Once more, I implore you to keep an open mind."

Oh, she'd be sure to keep an open mind, right after she uppercut this fool to hell. With a malicious twist of her smooth pink lips and a flash of sinuous leg muscle Kanae was set on her trajectory to the bleached blonde a few meters in front of her.

She'd break this punk in half before anyone could; she called the shots as Kyoko's preemptive protection. There was simply no way in hell he'd be getting within two feet of her best friend without a warning.

Hopefully he'd survive the warning. The smirk stretching Kanae's lips was enough to make the dead shiver.

A cool chill ran up her spine as the ginger haired actress shuffled awkwardly a few feet behind her friend/sempai/whatever else position he'd been taking lately. The foreboding shiver did little to deter her from her current thoughts though, since the one occupying them stood only a few paces in front of her.

His dark hair was highlighted a warm mocha by glimmers of noon sunlight that rebound off of the triangular windows that lined one side of the hallway they were walking down together. Kyoko stared a bit shyly down at her toes every so often as he would turn back to regard her sweetly, an overtly warm smile lighting his features and heating her insides. She swore this man was an anomaly, one minute fit to burst in anger, the next calming and gentle, and then sweet and childish! The young actress huffed slightly, wishing he'd make up his mind on who he wanted to be, because honestly he was becoming quite the unsolvable puzzle.

With the sound of her sigh, the man in front of her had halted almost immediately and turned to her in question. Unfortunately for Kyoko, Ren pausing in his stride was lost to her and she walked straight into his chest. Embarrassed and still slightly ruffled from all the physical contact she'd been having with people all day, Kyoko jumped backward with a squeak. Apologizing hurriedly and trying not to trip over her own two feet made the pixie like actress ignorant to the warm hand that had encased her wrist to keep her from stumbling backward.

A blush, that was unexplainable lit her smooth complexion as she looked down and bravely questioned Ren.

"A-ano Tsuruga-sa-" She looked up in surprise as he cut her off.

"Ren. Kyoko, just Ren." He smiled easily, her given name sliding off her tongue with a natural grace that Kyoko couldn't help but envy. Pouting slightly with a slight glare at the much taller man for interrupting her, she tried again.

"Ren…-san where are we going?" Kyoko asked determinedly, ignoring the disappointed sigh her friend gave when she couldn't bear but add an honorific. Luckily he didn't berate her on that and instead gave her another light smile and answered her.

"Lunch, which is one of reason's I came to get you… earlier." Ren trailed off a tad awkwardly, he'd no idea if they were indeed dismissed for lunch, but seeing as no one had come after them yet and he'd spotted two of the cast ducking behind an adjacent wall, for who knows what reason, he was going to assume the best. The memory of finding her in the arms of another man, no matter the innocence of the situation still didn't sit right with him. Recognizing his sudden mood switch and still curious as to why he was so angry earlier, if the cause hadn't been her, Kyoko reached a tender hand up to smooth the wrinkle at his brow caused from his sudden sulking.

"Ren, I am sorry." The soft manner in which she drew out his name calmed him and he found himself acting ridiculous once more, honestly he couldn't even get his act together around this girl anymore. He smiled a bit sadly and sighed as he lifted her soft hand from his face and enclosed it in his larger palm, keeping her there, attached to him.

"You have, nothing to be sorry for Kyoko." He admonished with a half smile and a dry laugh. Not accepting his words at all as the truth, Kyoko lifted his hand into both of hers, sincerely regarding him, so there would be no misunderstandings between them.

"I do too! Ren, I- I don't know what I did… but I still- I did something and it hurt you. For that, I am sorry." Her honey eyed gaze, filled with pure concern and her warm small hands struggling to wrap around only one of his, the angle her heart shaped face was tilted at and the fashion that the sunlight gleaned off of her silky strands of hair. Everything about her in that moment had his heart tripping and restarting in an effort to keep up with itself; he'd fallen in love with her over a span of time, twice. And now, for a third time he was falling head over heels in love with this little slip of a woman, modest in her physicality, but more marvelous than any living creature or entity in his eyes.

Ren beat himself up, for not being able to somehow get across the sheer magnitude of her presence in his heart. He wished more than anything else to convey to her that he was merely being an idiot, and it wasn't her fault for being the compassionate woman he'd fallen in love with. But before he could even open his mouth to say anything, she continued on.

"I- Perhaps I should have told you beforehand about… Shotarou. But with this, I will finally be able to leave any impure motives behind… like revenge. I- I thought that this- I didn't think that you wo-" Once more the tall dark haired actor silenced her, however this time he managed to physically. The press of his finger against her lips, made something deep down inside flare, and in response Kyoko blushed again.

"Kyoko, I am sorry." The apology is a breath between them, air transcending the lungs of both parties, in a sigh of remorse and a gasp of confusion. Kyoko in all her humbling nature rushed to correct his sudden apology, to somehow remedy to him that he had nothing to apologize for, but once again Ren's finger pressed to her lips as he leaned into her space, his gaze trapping her own.

"No Kyoko, let me finish." The words leaving his mouth, graced by a hint of his boyish charm that only seems to seep through in her presence, stuns the auburn haired girl momentarily.

"There was no reason for me to behave that way… it was just my own petty jealousy." The first half of his statement Kyoko abjectly wished to defend him for, until the second half registered and the domineering word collapses all else in Kyoko's mind.

"Je-Jealous…?" Kyoko squeaked in confusion.

"Ahh." Ren answered with a sheepish twist of the lips. He sighed once more, his shoulders lifting slightly and drawing the smallest bit of attention to his exposed collar bones. The burgundy V-neck adorning his chest does little to cover them, even working toward drawing more attention toward his lightly tanned skin; briefly the thought of whether his skin was as smooth as it looked flitted across the actresses mind. Kyoko snapped her gaze away immediately as the man before her regarded her again with eyes that normal Japanese men wouldn't have, not because of their mystifying grey color, but because of their sheer clarity, bearing everything that a man of her culture would hide.

The tall brunette gave her a bashful smile as he rubbed the back of his neck, surprising her with the sudden display of borderline embarrassment.

The mere though that this was embarrassing Ren, Tsuruga Ren, her mentor, friend and ultimate goal in the professional world of acting was almost blasphemous; especially so with his ever present reputation as the Acting Casanova of Japan. But here the man was, standing in front of her completely serious and still rubbing the back of his neck like a highschooler who'd been given the unfortunate opportunity to explain to his reprobate actions. It almost made her smile, before he opened his mouth and spoke the words that shattered her happy mood.

"Gomen, Kyoko. But like you said, if you had told me beforehand, since we are friends, I wouldn't have felt so left out when I saw you and Fuwa expressing such friendliness." The words were clearly meant to sound playful what with the impish grin that betrayed his public façade of being the "perfect gentleman". The point of them was to hopefully draw out a laugh or perhaps a blush, but neither reactions occurred. Instead the small auburn haired actress froze and for a moment the words her alter ego had spoken this morning returned.

"Hypocrites don't make good friends."

Suddenly the small actress felt a pang travel throughout her chest, squeezing painfully around her ribcage as if to crush her heart, but the pain subsided quickly. Even, so the sudden shock of pain and the lingering words echoing through her mind left Kyoko at a loss of how to respond to her friends playful words that had unintentionally hit a nerve.

"Afterall, friends shouldn't keep secrets." Ren chuckled good-naturedly and the words only seemed to worsen her rigid stance. A brief clenching of her hands and Kyoko convinced herself that she needed to say something, to respond somehow, or he'd know there was something wrong.

Taking a page from her so-called friends book, the ginger-haired actress pasted on the most professional smile she could with her forced cheerfulness.

"Of course Tsuruga-san, I'll remember that." The sudden shift in her tone did not go unnoticed. Ren, looking closely at her with that response immediately recognized the "polite, professional smile" that closely mirrored his own "gentlemanly smile". Even more queer, he noticed the almost frustrated stance she was presenting, her figure prone to it's natural grace was rigid and tense as if she was uncomfortable. And the almost purposeful reversion to his last name, all tipped off Ren to Kyoko's sudden displeasure with him.

The fact that she was displeased with him suddenly wasn't so much of a big deal, since they were accustomed to their occasional argument, but the indication that she was somehow trying to hide it bothered him deeply. It meant she was hiding something, otherwise she would be open with her feelings, as she naturally was not the type to hide her emotion.

"Kyoko, it's Ren, and is th-" Ren attempted to question her sudden change in behavior, after pressing extra emphasis on their first name basis, but a sudden all too annoyingly familiar, angry voice interrupted his speech.

What now?

And there it is guys and gals, I'll be posting forreals now, sometime later today and even tomorrow. I own neither Skip Beat! or Panic! At the Disco.

3 SID