Eleven Pipers Piping

"I should go and pre-heat the oven."

"Nope."

"Simon will be here soon and I haven't even made a start."

"Nope."

"Can you move please?"

"Nope."

Robin tried to prise Kim's head from his chest but despite all his hours of gym attendance he barely made her budge an inch. He supposed muscle was no match for a bloody-minded Kim turning herself deadweight.

"Ugh! I can't breathe now!" He told her, desperately trying to shovel her away from him as she giggled. He finally pushed her onto the couch and scrambled out from underneath her.

"Shit," she cursed.

"You're far too good at playing dead, do you know that?" Robin accused.

"You wait, if you leave me to go in that kitchen I'll come back and find I'm a zombie!" Kim warned as he reluctantly left the rom.

While she listened to the sound of pots and pans clanking in the kitchen Kim took a moment to look around the room. She felt a little shiver travel down her spine as she remembered the last time she'd spend Christmas in that flat, back when it had belonged to Alex and Gene. It felt surreal to be back there, tree in the corner, in a place that was so familiar and yet still felt strange to be her home.

She pulled up her knees to her chest and rocked a little. It was cold now that Robin had left her for a turkey. In fact, the room felt pretty cold full stop.

"Rob" she called out, "Hey, Rob, can you see if the heating is still on?"

But Robin didn't reply at first and when he appeared in the doorway a few moments later he looked extremely frazzled.

"The oven's not working," he said, almost accusingly.

"Pardon?" Kim frowned.

"It won't heat up," Robin told her, "It looks like there's no gas coming out of it."

"Have you tried the hobs?"

"Yup. Same thing."

Kim hesitated, biting her lip.

"Rob… does it feel cold to you in here?" she asked eventually.

Robin hadn't really noticed, but then he'd gone from enforced snuggles to non-working oven fury and he supposed he didn't have time to think about it.

"It kind of does, a little bit," he said with a frown. They stared at one another, then both started sniffing.

"I can't smell any gas," Kim told him.

"Maybe that's because there is no gas to smell," Robin said mysteriously.

"Don't start with the beans or that could go in reverse," Kim warned him but Robin shook his head.

"Shit, Kim, I think the gas is off," he started to look fairly anxious.

"There are other ways to keep warm," Kim told him but that wasn't the most important thing on Robin's mind.

"I can't cook a turkey on your chest," he pointed out, "there's no way to cook the Christmas dinner!"

Kim froze. She hadn't thought of that.

"What?" she whispered, paling visibly.

"There's no way to cook it if the gas isn't working," Robin told her and Kim gulped.

"Fuck!"

"I know!"

"But… but the turkey!" Kim whispered.

"I know."

"The spuds!"

"I know, Kim, I know."

Kim's eyes were wide and horrified.

"No dinner?" she whispered, a hand rising to her mouth in a gasp of shock.

"Let's call the gas board and see if they can send someone," Robin told her.

"But… the dinner?" Kim seemed to have gone into a state of shock.

"We'll see what they say first."

Kim couldn't describe how much she had been looking forward to Christmas dinner. Not only had she been dying for Robin's cooking after a couple of busy days that had meant takeaways and snacks took priority but after the previous year's stressful offerings she couldn't wait for a Christmas lunch that was uncomplicated and set in one time zone alone.

Watched nervously as Robin found the phone book and called the gas board, she swore her stomach started rumbling just to spite her. Ha ha, no Christmas dinner for you. She thought she could heart the turkey laughing from inside the fridge as well.

"I'm hallucinating with hunger," she mumbled as she watched Robin wait on the line and then put down the phone without saying a word. "What's going on?" she asked.

"There was a recorded message," Robin told her, "a water main burst. Frozen pipes. It took out a gas main too. It could be off all day."

"Shit!" Kim clasped both hands over her mouth, "What are we going to do?"

Before they could even work out a plan of action there came a hammering on the door.

"Oh god, that'll be Simon," sighed Robin, "he's early."

"What are we going to tell him? We promised him lunch!"

"We'll just have to tell him the truth," Robin sighed as they walked through to the doorway and opened it to find a bedraggled, shivering Simon standing outside with an icicle hanging from his left nostril. "Simon! Oh my god!"

"Simon, what happened?" Kim cried.

A frozen Shoebury stared back at them, teeth chattering.

"I'm so cold," he wept.

"For god's sake, get in!" Robin hustled him past, "before you turn into a giant icicle."

Simon shivered his way inside.

"Get me to a radiator," He begged and Kim and Robin glanced at one another.

"I don't think that'll help," Kim told him.

"A water pipe blew -" Robin began.

"Yeah," Simon cried, "and who do you think was walking past it when it exploded?!"

"Oh shit, Si, that's awful!" Robin cried as Kim slapped her hands to her lips to stop an explosive giggle escaping,

"That's terrible," she said, trying not to smirk.

"It's not funny!" Simon cried.

"No, not at all," Kim tried very hard not to laugh but it wasn't easy.

"Look, the lounge is still fairly warm," Robin told him, "come through and get those wet things off. We'll dry you out."

"I'm not taking my shirt off!" Simon cried on alarm.

"You can't stay in that all day!"

"I don't have anything to change into!"

"I'll lend you a shirt, you'll be fine. I'll get you a towel."

"You're not looking at my chest!"

"it's not like I haven't seen it before!" Robin cried, a little hurt.

"Not all of it, you haven't," Simon mumbled and this time Kim couldn't restrain herself. Her laughter exploded with the same ferocity as the water pipe, echoing around the flat as she saw the horrified look on Simon's face.

"For god's sake, why did you even ask me to do them if you don't want anyone to see them?!" she cried.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Simon cried indignantly, an arm held protectively around his chest.

"Come on Si, the jig is up," Robin sighed, "I came home yesterday to find Kim deeply distressed, with her piercing kit all over the lounge and then experienced your sudden aversion to hugging in the club last night. I know you're packing metal."

The colour of Simon's face turned from icy blue to red.

"I seem to be warming up," he mumbled through gritted teeth.

"Oh, Simon," Kim sighed. She toned down her laughter and looked at her poor, bedraggled friend. "It's not your day, is it?"

"Bah humbug," Simon shivered.

"Rob, sit him by what's left of the heat," Kim told him, "I'll be right back."

"What are you going to do?" Robin asked her.

"Something drastic," was all Kim would say.

Robin shrugged to Simon as she left.

"Come on, Si," he said, leading him across to the cooling radiator. He sat Simon in front of it and looked at him sadly. "I don't know what to say, Simon… dinner's off."

Simon stared at him.

"You're joking?"

Robin shook his head.

"I'm sorry," he said sadly, "no gas, no oven."

"Shit," Simon closed his eyes. "some Christmas this is going to be."

"Got it," Kim arrived at the door, rather reluctantly holding a large woollen item.

"My jumper!" Simon gasped, "I thought I lost that!"

"You left it here yesterday," Kim told him as he grabbed it in delight, "I was going to burn it…" she turned to Robin, "it was gonna be your christmas present."

Robin's heart melted.

"Aw, thank you," he said gratefully

"Hey!" Simon scowled.

"But you might as well have it," Kim told him.

Simon was glad that it survived the Kimpocalypse at least.

"Thanks," he said.

"I'll lend you some trousers," Robin told him, getting back up from the floor as Kim joined Simon by the radiator.

"Thanks, Rob," Simon said, just starting to thaw out a little. He shook some of the water from his hair and looked at Kim. "So much for Christmas, huh?

"Wouldn't be the first time a Christmas has gone awry," Kim pointed out.

"No," Simon gave a wistful smile.

"Not that it was altogether a bad thing," Kim reminded him.

"No, it wasn't," Simon nodded and smiled again. He looked her in the eye, "I don't think Gene and Alex ever forgave us for that."

"Well it serves Gene right for giving us stuff from Alex's cutlery drawer," Kim pointed out.

"It was great though," Simon nodded and Kim tried not to grin.

"Funny," she said quietly, "I once described it to Alex as the worst Christmas ever, but it wasn't. It was pretty much the opposite. We had everything. Booze, food, decorations," she smiled, "friends."

Simon smiled back and nodded. Then simultaneously his and Kim's expressions began to change as their eyes widened.

"Kim –"

"We couldn't."

They hesitated.,

"Couldn't we?

Kim bit her lip.

"Could we?"

A sly smile began to grow on both their faces.

"It really was the best Christmas ever," Simon pointed out.

"I've rarely seen a better one," Kim added.

"And they say you should spend Christmas with family," Simon pointed out, "and Gene is. Sort of."

Kim tried to suppress the growing smile as she thought about it.

"And you did say you thought of me like a little sister,," she reminded him.

"Not so little now, you're the bloody same age as me."

"Shush now."

They exchanged an evil smile. The thought wasn't going to disappear.

"Let's do it."

"For old time's sake."

"We have to."

"It's the descent thing to do."

"What is?"

Kim and Simon turned around as Robin entered the room, a pair of trousers draped over one arm. They stared at him with matching grins that made him slightly scared. "Uh, what have I missed?"

"Slight change of venue, Rob," Kim told him with a smile.

"Grab your turkey and all the booze in this flat," Simon told him.

"Uh, why?" Robin asked anxiously.

Kim grinned.

"You'll see," she said, "…how are you at carol singing?!"

~xXx~

Jake felt somewhat frustrated as he opened the door.

"Merry Christmas," Shaz and Marci chanted with a smile.

"Not so merry," Jake said despondently.

"Why?" Shaz frowned.

"He's suffering," Marci nudged her with a grin.

"No I'm not," Jake said, embarrassed, "well… I am…" he clung to his forehead, "but that's not it. It's the gas."

"Ugh, take some more alka seltzer!" Marci held her nose.

"Not that kind of gas!" Jake's face started burning up.

"What are you talking about then?"

"The gas for cooking," Jake explained, "there's been a broken pipe or something, I heard it on the radio and now the gas isn't on and the oven isn't working!"

Shaz and Marci looked at one another then back at Jake as the meaning of the fact began to sink in.

"No oven, no dinner?" Marci asked.

"No dinner."

"Shit."

"How can anyone have two Christmas dinners cancelled in one day?" Shaz groaned.

"It gets worse, there's no heating," Jake told them.

"We're going to go hungry and cold?" Marci groaned.

"Why can't we go to yours?" Shaz asked.

"My oven's not big enough for a turkey," Marci said sadly.

"And your gas is probably off as well," Jake told her.

"Are you sure?"

"Radio said the whole area was out."

"So what do we do then?"

"I don't know," Jake sighed.

"Oh, this is going to be the worst Christmas ever!" Marci complained.

"Babe, we'll work something out," Shaz told her, "I'm sure we can."

"But if the gas is off everyone's going to be cold and hungry!"

"Even the worst Christmases deserve a Christmas miracle," Shaz told her, "Kim once told me that she was going to have a terrible Christmas so she gate-crashed someone else's and it was the best Christmas ever."

"You're kidding?" Jake frowned, slightly amused.

"She said DCI Shoebury was there too."

"Whose did they gate-crash?"

"It was the Guv's."

"Really?" Marci cried, "He let them in?"

"He had a weak moment," Shaz shrugged as Jake and Marci both giggled at the thought.

"You are joking, right?"

"No!" Shaz shook her head with a smile. "They tried to serenade them. Their singing was so bad he gave in to make them shut up!"

"Nice," Marci nodded in approval. She paused and gave a frown. "Wait a minute."

Jake hesitated.

"What?"

"Where do they live?" Marci asked, "The Guv and Ma'am?"

Jake pursed his lips.

"Why?"

"They moved a little way away, right?" Marci asked.

"I think so."

"Far enough that they could be supplied by a different gas pipe?"

Jake stared at her.

"You can't be suggesting what I think you're suggesting."

Shaz took one look at Marci's expression and started to grin.

"I think she is."

"No."

"Yes."

"We can't!"

"They did!"

"We're not them! We'd never get in!" Jake cleared his throat, "I belong to a choir!"

"Then leave the singing to us," beamed Marci.

Jake hesitated.

"We can't," he said, but he was smiling. "We can."

Marci beamed.

"That's the spirit!"

~xXx~

"Which window is it?"

"That one."

"How can you be sure?"

"Because Gene was moaning on about 'poxy pink curtains'."

"Those aren't pink, they're peach."

"What's the difference?"

"One of them's been snogging an orange."

"Does it even matter?"

"We need to sing to the right one!"

"Make enough noise and they'll hear anyway!"

"Can we just get on with it? This turkey is fucking freezing!"

"So put it down then!"

Robin hesitated, pissed off with himself for not thinking of that in the first place and placed the chilled turkey on the ground.

"Fine," he mumbled.

"Can we get on with it now?" Simon asked, shuffling from side to side.

"Alright," Kim cleared her throat, "ready?"

"Hey!"

The last thing Robin had expected to hear was Jake's voice. He looked up in surprise to see him heading closer with Marci and Shaz.

"Hey you," he stepped toward them, "What's going on?"

"Why is everybody here?" Kim frowned.

"We've got no heating and we can't cook dinner," Marci told them.

"You too?" Simon frowned.

"But what are you doing here?" Kim asked again.

"We couldn't think of anywhere that would still have the gas on," Shaz explained, "I remembered you telling me about Christmas two years ago…"

Kim gave a strange shiver. To Simon and the others Christmas 1995 really was 2 years ago. To her, it was ten.

"Gene and Alex nearly scalped us for that," she told them, "They'll never let you in."

"You're here," Marci pointed out.

"We're risking a scalping too!"

"If we all join forces maybe we'll have more success?" Shaz suggested.

Robin looked around.

"They can't scalp all six of us," he reasoned.

Smiles began to grow on their faces as Kim raised an eyebrow.

"How are you all at singing?"

~xXx~

Gene's lips worked their way down Alex's neck, leaving tingles and warmth in their path.

"God, Gene," she breathed, her body twitching with anticipation.

"Tell Metal Mickey I approve her handiwork" he murmured as he softly kissed each of her breasts, careful not to touch the delicate new piercings before he worked his attentions further south and slowly started to disappear beneath the duvet.

"God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing you dismay…"

Gene froze, his tongue on its way to a new location. His eyes rose and met Alex's stare.

"No," he said.

"For Jesus Christ, our saviour, was born on Christmas day…"

With a flash of anger in his eyes he sat bolt upright, the duvet falling from his shoulders.

"No."

There was a slight pause and a muttering as the gathered crowd realised none of them knew the next line.

"Um… la-la-la-la la-la-la-la la la la la la laaaa…."

"I don't bloody believe this," Gene cried, scrambling off the bed while Alex pulled the covers back around her.

"Is it nineteen ninety five again?" she cried as Gene arrived at the window to catch six enthusiastic faces belting out the next line.

"With tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy –"

"There will be no comfort for anyone if you think you're stopping me from getting me own joy under the duvet with me other half!" he yelled out of the window,

"O tidings of comfort and joy!"

With a show of jazz hands the six figures completed their chorus. They watched Gene disappear from the window, then reappear with a glass of water, which he tipped over their heads.

"Gene!" cried Simon, "that's the second time I've been wet today!"

"That's a bloody Christmas miracle in itself!" Gene barked.

"Guv, let us in," Marci pleaded.

"In what parallel universe will that ever happen?" Gene barked.

"We've got nowhere to go, Guv," Jake added.

"Yer houses all blown away in the vapour trail of Santa's sleigh?"

"No," Jake sighed.

"We've got a gas problem," Robin yelled up.

Gene held up a finger, disappeared and returned with a packet of Rennies.

"Knock yourselves out," he told them, chucking them out the window and closing it.

"Gene!" cried Simon, "there's no gas at any of our flats!"

"A water pipe blew and knocked out a gas main!" Shaz added.

"None of us have got any heating and we can't cook!" added Jake.

To their surprise Gene turned around and opened the window again.

"From what I've heard you can't bloody cook anyway, Dawson!" he barked.

"Come on, Gene," Simon pleased, "we've got nowhere to go!"

"Salvation Army's round the corner!"

"You wouldn't turn your only son away, would you?" Simon risked, cringing with every word that came out of his mouth.

"I'd turn the bloody Queen of Sheba away, I'm trying to unwrap me Christmas present here!"

"Ohhhh come on, Guv, he's your flesh and blood!" Marci urged.

"Yeah, and didn't you once say we were lesbians-in-law?" Robin pointed out, remembering a paralytic Gene at his welcome back party some months earlier."

"Yeah, and I'm –" Kim hesitated,

"Don't say 'knocking off your missus', that's not going to get us in!" Simon warned her.

"Bugger off and leave a man to get laid in peace!" Gene yelled.

"We've brought food!" Robin told him.

"There's not enough food in Sainsbury's to get you invited" Gene threatened.

"And presents," Shaz held out a carrier bag.

"Unless that present is a device to go back in time and get a bloody great guard dog to keep you off me property I'm not interested!"

"And booze," Kim said temptingly, holding a bottle aloft.

Gene hesitated.

"Tell me more."

"We've got brandy," Robin told him.

"And scotch," said Kim.

"And we've got more wine than a branch of Thresher's!" Marci added.

Gene looked around as Alex joined him at the window, draped in a red silky nightdress.

"I think we should just admit defeat and let them in," she told him.

Gene stared in shock.

"You do?" he recalled her vehemence that he get rid of their guests as swiftly as possible the last time they'd been invaded. But as Alex smiled it was clear she had a good reason for it. Her last Christmas had been spent with Robin and Kim; the one before that with a younger Kim and Simon. After a traumatic year, staring out the window and seeing them all united was a reminder of how much she valued her life. She wanted to share her Christmas with some of the people who made it so happy.

"Just until dinner's over," she warned them out of the window as their faces lit up.

"Of course," Simon agreed.

"And you're cooking, she pointed to Robin.

"Yes!" Robin cheered.

"And you," she turned to Kim and blushed. "You'd better check my piercings. For aftercare purposes."

Kim bit her lip and smirked.

"Yes, Ma'am," she said.

"What about us?" Jake asked, a little worriedly.

"You can all stay –" Alex began.

"- As long as you eat the bloody sprouts," Gene barked and Kim gagged.

"They're welcome to them," she mumbled.

Gene and Alex exchanged a glance.

"You sure about this, Bols?" Gene asked incredulously.

Alex nodded.

"We get free drink, I don't have to cook and you get to hand out all those lovely wooden spoons."

Gene hesitated.

"I'm ninety-five percent sold."

"We can collaborate to subject them to abject humiliation."

Gene pursed his lips.

"Hundred percent. Get yer glad rags on," he told her and turned to the window. "Dinner for eight is on Batman," he called, "and it had better be Michelin standard."

"Got it," Robin saluted as Gene closed the window.

Six relieved, happy figures congratulated one another on a successful task while they waited for Alex and Gene to dress and let them in.

If they knew what Gene had in mind they might not have been so fast to cheer.

~xXx~

A/N: The next chapter might take a few days to appear because it's a long one! After that there will be a little slushy epilogue – aaaaaaand then back to the angst :D Aren't you proud of me though? I've made it through 11 chapters of fluff already!