Lithuanias Pov
I can't remember what happened after that. Everything went black. I woke up the morning after in a room I recognised but didn't knew why.
I didn't know were I was. What had happened? Where were Feliks?
A woman entered the room. Her clothes indicated that she was some kind of nurse. Did that mean I was in a hospital? But why?
"Hello, Toris." The nurse said kindly. "How are you feeling?"
"Where am I?" I asked. "And what happened to me? Where's Feliks?"
The nurse paled. "You're in the hospital wing, here at Hogwarts. You...you were knocked out. Do you remember who you are? Does your head hurt?"
"Yes, of course I do! I know exactly who I am!" I responded irritated. "And yes my head hurts. Like hell, if you must know. But you didn't answer my third question. Where is Feliks?"
The nurse seemed to pale even more. "Oh dear. I'm so sorry….."
It feels like your heart is being ripped out of you chest.
It feels like someone just shot you with a thousand bullets.
It feels like you're being burned alive.
Or drowned.
It feels like you're being stabbed with burning swords.
It feels like all those things, at the same time, with thousand times the pain.
And yet, it feels like nothing. Like the world is gone. Like nothing matters.
The pain is everything and nothing.
The pain when you lose the one you love the most.
It's not describable.
I was alone in our dorms. They felt horribly empty. The rest of the school were in the Great Hall, listening to someone telling them about…..about…..About yesterday.
The school had contacted my parents. They would come and bring me home soon. I had no idea about what would happen to Eduard. I wasn't sure if I wanted to know. And I wasn't sure what I'd do when I saw him. If I even wanted to see him.
My head, my arms, my legs, my entire body. Everything hurt. And so did my heart.
I sat in my bed, hiding under a thick red blanket. I was freezing, for no reason at all. I stared out in the room. It looked strange. Empty. Cold. And soulless. It felt like a thick fog lay over the room, blocking out all the light and happiness in it.
Slowly, I got up and started to pack my things, mechanicaly, almost like a robot. Clothes first. Then books and other things for school. Then everything else. Finally, I reached for the tiny box I kept hidden under my bed. I had three things in it. A dairy, a necklace I'd gotten from my mother when I left for Hogwarts and bracelet that….that Feliks made me in third year. It didn't fit anymore. But I still kept it.
I glanced over to his bed. It was still a bit messy, things lying on the floor beside it and the sheets a bit ruffled. Just like always. Like he could just walk in any second.
Hey, Toris! You're like, way to slow! Hurry up!
Only that he would never do that.
I walked over to the bed and lay down on it. The sheets still carried his scent. Burying my face in his pillow, I felt something beneath it. A hard object, with sharp edges. I moved the pillow, but it was nothing there. And nothing under the mattress. Maybe it had just been my imagination. But then I accidentally knocked the pillow down from the bed. It landed on the floor with a loud 'thud'. Not a very pillow like sound. I picked it up and examined it. And look, there were an opening in it! Carefully closed with three small buttons and not visible unless you looked close enough or felt it. I opened it and….a book. Not just any book, I realised. A diary. Without thinking, I opened the book on a random page.
5th of September
Eliza gave me new tips of how to style my hair in a super fabulous way! She's totally bae! I gave her some make-up advice in return. And color advice! She looks totally fabulous in dark green! Any green really! Toris would look amazing in green too! It would make his eyes even prettier! Nothing else happened today. I was fabulous, the teacher were not, ever class was boring and Toris was cute as always~ Geez, he's so adorable! Especially when he gets lost in thoughts. Even if it's kinda rude.
Smiling, I flipped a few pages, still without thinking.
21st of September
I don't know how to write this. Tim…..Tim and the others….they….. Argh, how do I write this? I'll just go straight to the point. They hit me. Again. But today was so much worse. It hurts to even write about it. But Toris saved me! He saved me! But now that he knows…. What will Tim do to him? I don't want him to get hurt. I won't allow it! I don't care what they do to me, but I will never let them hurt Toris!
The more I read, the more it hurt. The more I read, the darker the entries became. I smiled when one certain entry. Feliks hadn't bothered writing a date, but it didn't matter. I knew fully well when the event had occurred.
YOU CAN NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED TODAY! TORIS KISSED ME! KISSED ME! ON THE LIPS! NO LOVE POTIONS INVOLVED OR ANYTHING! HE KISSED ME ON HIS OWN WILL! Oh and two fifth years ran away from Hogwarts. BUT TORIS KISSED ME AND THAT'S LIKE ALL THAT MATTERS RIGHT NOW! OH MY GOD I LOVE HIM SO MUCH!
More entries about Tim. A couple about the tower. So many about him being bullied. A tear fell from my chin and hit the paper. He had hidden so many injuries from me. He wrote about incidents he'd never told me about. Why? Why hadn't he told me? I got the answer on the next page. The very last page.
13th of December
Toris and I are going to the astronomy tower today again! I really love that place! I think Toris does too. I….I think I should tell him about those incidents I wrote about earlier. Yes, I know. I still haven't told him. But….I just don't want him to be sad. I hate it when he's sad! I wish he could smile more. He rarely smile these days. Then again, I guess I'm the same. At least it's only half a year left.
I should tell him, right? He'll get mad, of course. Then he'll probably cry. And hug me. But I feel horrible for hiding things from him. Toris means so much to me. I love him. More than anything. I love him so much. I just want to make him happy. Why is life so cruel? Why can't I just have a normal, nice life, where nobody cares about the way I dress? Where no one cares if I paint my nails. And where no one cares about the fact that I love Toris.
I have to go. First dinner, then the tower. Have I ever mentioned I love that tower? It's so nice to have a safe place. Where I can be alone with Toris. Okay I should really go now. Toris is waiting for me outside. I'm lucky to have someone like him. I know you know, but I love him!
See you!
I could barely read the last sentence for my tears. I clutched the dairy to my chest tightly, shaking from my tears. Why? Why? WHY?
I don't know how long it took for me to stop crying. Though I never really did. It felt like I would be crying on the inside forever. I looked at the dairy. Should I put it back? Then my eyes fell on the box on my suitcase. Oh. What if…. I looked at the clock on the wall. I had time.
The lake was beautiful, as always. Black, deep and peaceful. It was cold outside, but not a single ice flow was visible, not even by the shore. I held the box tight to my chest. In it was now Feliks dairy, one of his hairpins, and his favorite necklace, the one with a small corn poppy, his favourite flower. After some hesitation, I had let the bracelet stay in the box. How should I do this? Should I say something?
"Feliks…. I… I don't know what to say to you. I...I wish I wouldn't need to do this. Why are you...g-gone? I-I want you back. You gave my life a meaning, Feliks. You were my sunshine, my happiness, my everything. My life. You were always there for me. I can never describe in words what you meant to me. A-a life without you…..It's pointless. You were everything I ever wanted. I love you Feliks. More than anything. I love you."
I stared out over the lake. Then I lifted my arm and threw the box. It flew through the air, landed far out in the water with a big splash and sank into the deep, black lake.
Spain's Pov
I don't think anyone knew what had really happened. We were called to an assemble in the Great Hall in the morning. As soon as we entered the Hall, we noticed that something was wrong. Maybe it was the ghosts, floating around slowly, heads low. Perhaps it was candles, glowing in the dark hall. Or maybe it was the professors, all dressed in black. I think it was all that and much more. Hogwarts was crying.
I spotted Francis and Gilbert, both walking with the rest of their houses. They both looked quiet and serious, completely different from their usual selves.
Professor Longbottom rose from his seat and slowly walked over to the podium.
"Dear students." Professor Longbottom took a deep, shaking breath. He looked like he didn't know what to say. Or how to say it. "I am very sorry to tell you this." A new pause. "Last night, a horrible incident occurred. And we lost one of our students. Fifth year Gryffindor student Feliks Łukasiewicz is no longer with us."
The Hall fell silent for a split second. Then a scream was heard from the Gryffindor table and complete chaos broke out in the Hall. All questions the students tried to ask blended together to a sound similar to thunder. It was impossible to hear anything.
"SILENCE!"
And the Hall fell silent again. The only sound heard were the quiet sobs coming from the Gryffindor table. The headmaster took a deep breath and continued his speech in a calm voice. He didn't tell us exactly what had happened. A fight had started up in the astronomy tower and Łukasiewicz had been hit by a very powerful spell. It had caused him to fly over the railing to the tower, to a certain death. All students involved in the incident were on their way from Hogwarts, or would be in a few hours.
I hadn't known Łukasiewicz in person. Eliza, Gilbert's not-at-all-crush, had been rather fond of the older Gryffindor and had told me a bit about him. Aside from that, we had traded gossip about other students a couple of times. Don't ask me from where he got his information, but Łukasiewicz always had interesting information to offer. I felt horribly sorry for his friends and family. What would I do if anything happend to one of my own loved once?
Professor Longbottom had reached the end of his speech. He said that anyone could come speak to any of the professors if they needed to and no classes would be held today. The last part earned him a few, very quiet, 'Hooray'. Which in turn earned the onced who'd said it an angry 'Shut up, you idiot! Don't you have any respect?' and an equally angry elbow in the side from the people next to them. A ceremony would also be held, but not until tomorrow. When we finally were dismissed, it was a quiet, sad school that left the Hall.
"So….What do we do now?" I asked. Francis, Gilbert, Lovino and I were in the library, bored to death. After that statue prank at Halloween, Lovino started to hang out with us more and more. I know Francis and Gilbert had found it somewhat annoying to have the foul mouthed first year hanging around us, but since he had proven to be a good prankster, they seemed to have accepted him. I'd even go as far as to say that treated him like a little brother from time to time.
"We can't prank someone today, that would be disrespectful." Francis mumbled, face down in the table.
"So how do we break the rules without being disrespectful?" Gilbert asked.
Lovi snorted. "Do you always break the rules?" That earned him confused looks from three different directions. "Never mind." He growled. "Of course you do."
"What about the la-"
"LOOK!" Someone suddenly shouted."IT'S SNOWING!"
"Shut up Matthias." Was heard from heard from somewhere next to the tall boy who'd just screamed, but neither him nor anyone else seemed to care. Everyone quickly left their tables and books and gathered around the windows. And for once, saying 'it's snowing' wasn't an understatement! Usually, that phrase meant 'there's one single snowflake guys! A whole snowflake!'. But now, it was truly snowing! It was almost impossible to see outside for all the snow twirling in the air.
I turned to my friends. "I think I know what to do, mis amigos. But we should probably wait until there's more snow on the ground than in the air."
"Take that!" Lovino shouted and threw a snowball in my direction. Unfortunate for him, the snowball was too loose since it was made of newly fallen snow. It split before even reaching me.
"Too ba-UMPF!" Gilbert snuck up from behind and pressed a handful cold snow in my face. Brushing it of, I heard Francis and Lovi laughing. Both their laughs quickly turned into screams as Gilbert and I attacked them.
We fought for I don't know how long. Snow flew through the air, sometimes hitting it's target, sometimes not. After a while, Gilbert and Francis decided to team up, leading to me and Lovi teaming up as well. Gilbert screamed like a little girl when Lovi bumped snow inside his robe. If you were to ask him, he'd say it had been a manly scream. But it was far from that. Despise being rather mean to each other, we had so much fun! Even Francis laughed when I pushed him into a big pile of snow, making him look like a, somewhat ugly, snowman.
A tiny voice in the back of my head told me to stop, take it easy. I told it to shut up. Perhaps I shouldn't have.
Because all of sudden my legs couldn't carry me any longer and I fell head-first down in the snow. I heard the others calling my name and someone shook my shoulder. But I couldn't move or respond. Like many times before, the world faded into a black nothing and I couldn't do anything about it.
My head hurts. It felt like someone hit me with rocks from inside my brain. Carefully, I tried to open my eyes, only to quickly shut them again. There were way too much light in this room! Finally, I managed to open my eyes.
Of course. The hospital wing. And…
"YOU GODDAMN BASTARDO!"
"Hola, Lovino…"
"DON'T 'HOLA' ME BASTARDO! YOU…."
"Calm down, Lovino." Francis put a hand on the furious italian's shoulder. "Don't scream at him, s'il vous plaît."
"Stop the french, bastard." Lovino snapped, but calmed down a little.
"You've got some serious explanation though, mon ami." Francis turned to me.
"Francis is right, Antonio." Gilbert said to my left, unusually serious. "This has been going on for far too long now. We demand an explanation."
"..."
"Antonio."
"...Fine." I took a deep breath. Might as well go straight to the point. "Looks like I've gotten myself a bit of a heart disease." I smiled weakly at them.
They fell silent, staring at me in a horrified way. Neither of them seemed to know how to react. Well, I guess that was understandable. "Listen, amigos. It's okay, I'm not dying or any-" Lovino stopped me mid sentence and hugged me. Yes. Lovino Vargas hugged me.
"Bastard." He mumbled. "You better not be fucking dying, you hear that you idiot? Don't lie!"
Laughing I hugged back. "Si, I promise. I'm not dying."
It was quiet again for a few moments, until Gilbert shouted "GROUP HUG!" And he and Francis more or less attacked me and Lovino. Lovino shouted something in italian, but I just couldn't help but laugh at them all. I had the best friends in the world.
The nurses forced me to stay the night at the hospital wing. I hate it at night. No one else were there, so I was all alone in the quiet room. Boring, creepy and lonely.
"Salut, mon ami."
"Francis! Don't scare me like that!"
A quiet laugh was heard. Francis stepped out from the shadow, though not as dramatic as he probably wished for it to be. The effect was somewhat destroyed by the fact that he tripped when stepping out.
"I thought I'd keep you company for a while. Must be lonely here."
"Have I ever told you I love you?"
"When I gave you half of the chocolate my mother send me, yes. But if I'm not mistaken, there's someone else occupying that spot in your heart now, am I right?"
"What do you mean?"
"...What am I supposed to do with you?" He sighed dramatically. "Lovino. That's what I'm talking about."
"Francis, we've had this discussion before. There's nothing between me and Lovino."
"Mon dieu, Tonio. Why must you be so thick headed? I can see that spark between you two. You're probably just to oblivious to see it yourself. And apparently too oblivious to realise your own feelings."
I wasn't that oblivious, was I? But Francis words started a train of thought in my brain, without my permission. It rushed through my brain at the speed of light, driving past moments and events with Lovino. What he'd said, how he looked. My brain had registered every single movement. The train drove further into my brain, digging deeper and deeper into my feelings. Finally, it went of the train rail and crashed into the ocean of realisation.
Francis must have seen my reaction. "So you finally realised it, didn't you ami?"
"Mierda."
"You did."
"Mierda, Francis. What do I do?"
"What you do? Well, you ask him out."
"Francis, I can't ask a eleven year old out! Beside, he doesn't even like me like that!"
"I don't see the problem. You're only two years older. And I wouldn't be so sure about that."
"What do you mean?"
"Well…."
A cough. Francis stiffened visibly. "Shouldn't you be in bed, Mr Bonnefoy?"
"Merde." Francis mumbled.
"I understand that you wish to check up on Mr Carriedo, but I speak fluent french. Ten points from Ravenclaw."
Francis groaned and facepalmed as Professor Golgindove dragged him out of the room. "I was supposed to check up on you, Mr Carriedo, but I'll come back and do that later." She said just before closing the door.
I laughed a little to myself. Unfortunately, the realisations Francis had forced me too caused more problems than it solved. "Mierda." I whispered to myself again. What would I do? I was in love with my friend, who were two years younger than me and definitely did not return my feelings. I was in love with Lovino Vargas.