CHAPTER TEN

Amy's POV

Amy remembered the first time she had realized she was in love with Karma.

It wasn't at their first kiss during the assembly, because, although she obviously had felt something, at that time she wasn't aware of her feelings yet. A small corner of her mind had started thinking that maybe, since kissing a girl was so nice, maybe she was a lesbian. That's it.

She had understood she was really in love with Karma (and thus really fucked up) after her miserable attempt to date Jasmine. It was then that she realized that she didn't want to meet another guy or another girl and even Shane had understood that, defining her Karma-sexual.

That had been the exact moment when Amy had started to think that she and Karma could be more than friends. It was a wonderful hope that Amy had clung to for a long time, supported by Shane, but it had always been just a vain hope. Because, despite their relationship was incredibly deep, sometimes (most of the time) apparently not entirely platonic and probably not included in the standard canons of friendship, Karma wasn't attracted to girls. She wasn't and that was a fact that no one, not even Amy, could change.

"I thought you wanted me to continue to be part of your life", Amy said, recalling the time when Karma had stopped her before she threw in the jail's toilet her best friends pendant.

"I do", Karma said hurriedly.

"Then we are friends, Karma. It's the only way we work together", Amy couldn't help but smile sarcastically. "As far as I remember you like boys".

Amy saw Karma taking a deep breath and avoiding her gaze. Karma's face turned suddenly red and Amy knew she had hit a nerve, even though she didn't quite understand why. "Has something happened with Liam?", she asked.

Karma nodded shyly. "Amy, I need to tell you something. I don't want to and I think telling you it's not the right thing to do but I need to".

Amy could read the difficulties in the other girl's face. "Karma, you can tell me anything", she tried to reassure her.

It seemed to work. Karma smiled briefly and sat back on Amy's bed, followed by her shortly after. "After we've been released, I went to Liam and we had sex", Karma begun and Amy nodded in silence. "I don't think I've forgiven him. I'm still angry and we didn't talk at all... but after what you said in the jail, I felt confused. The idea of being so close of losing you forever, it has dazed me".

"So you had sex with Liam to clear up your mind?", Amy asked playfully because she couldn't believe she had said something like that out loud.

"Sort of", Karma said, sounding completely serious instead. "But then something strange happened".

Amy wasn't entirely sure she wanted to hear what strange had happened after sex with Liam Booker, but Karma continued before she could protest. "I had a dream".

"A nightmare?", Amy asked, still not following.

Karma looked her in the eye with a gaze that Amy couldn't decipher. "It was a strange dream. I dreamed about various things and I think most of them mean that my subconscious still doesn't trust you and Liam but there's another thing that bothers me about the dream".

"What?".

"You were in the dream. And you were with me".

Amy shrugged. "So? It's not the first time. Karma, I dreamed of you a lot of times".

"No Amy, you don't understand. It was a special kind of dream".

Awareness struck Amy like a punch in the stomach. So it was about that kind of dreams. Actually, Amy had dreamed of Karma that way several times, but that wasn't the point.

Amy giggled, trying to not look embarrassed, but she could feel her own face burn. "It's not big deal, dream are not easy to interpret. Freud has made his career about this".

Karma seemed a little irritated. "Yes, but you will agree with me saying that this is not a normal thing".

Amy frowned and then shrugged, again. "A lot of things happened, maybe you're just confused".

Amy hated herself for saying such a thing. Because at the wedding's night, what hurt Amy the most hadn't been the rejection, because part of her knew that she couldn't blame Karma for not feeling that way. What hurt Amy the most had been Karma saying that it wasn't a big deal, that Amy was confused. What hurt Amy the most was Karma not understanding her. And now Amy was doing the same.

"I don't think I'll ever be able to like Reagan", Karma suddenly said. Amy rolled her eyes to hear the confidence in Karma's voice. Amy knew that Karma and Reagan hadn't exactly a good relationship and she was the first one to doubt that things could change, but it seemed that Karma had already given in to the fact, while Amy was at least trying to like Liam.

"Karma, we've already talked about this. If we want things to work between us you have to take a step back just like I did leaving you being with Liam".

"What if I don't want to take a step back?".

Amy tried to restrain himself, but in the end the anger she felt inside exploded. "You don't want me that way! We can stand here and argue about whether to be or not to be friends but we can't be together".

"My sexual orientation is the only reason why we're not together?".

"Don't you think it's a good reason?".

"I have no idea, Amy! What if after all that has happened I began to feel something for you?".

Amy felt her face turn red. "Get out!".

Karma's eyes widened. "You can't kick me out like that, we are in the middle of a discussion".

"It's my room, I can do whatever I want".

Amy face the window, turning her back on Karma, and the only sound she heard was the door being slammed. She waited a few seconds to make sure Karma doesn't come back, then she rushed on the bed and threw the pillows all over the room angrily. Once the moment of anger had passed, she put her hands to her face and she surprised herself crying.

Everything had gone the wrong way. Sure, at first the only reason she and Karma hadn't got together was Karma's sexual orientation. But now there was so much more, now there was Reagan and Amy couldn't let Karma's doubts destroy her relationship. Assuming that this was what it was about. Assuming that now Karma wanted to be with Amy. But Amy couldn't know that, it seemed to her like she didn't understand a fucking thing about what Karma had said.

Yet Amy couldn't trust herself.

She had always been bad in making decisions, especially when she was in the middle of a emotional hurricane, especially when it came to Karma.

What if a part of her was ready to take the risk, ready to consider the idea of leaving Reagan for Karma? What if that wonderful but vain hope that Amy had clung to for a long time, suddenly was no longer so vain?