Author's Notes: I do not own Big Time Rush or any of these characters, and I make no money off this whatsoever.

I know Kenlos isn't a pairing a lot of people can get behind, and I admit it took me a while to see it myself, but once I did there was no going back. This is a sequel to Because I Wanted the Best, which was the story of James and Logan meeting and falling in love. Now we have Kendall and Carlos, because as I wrote that story, Kendall kept whispering to me that he was lonely. He wanted Carlos. I tend to stay away from Carlos, but in this case I gave in because...well, because it's Kendall and I can't say no to him. I explained to him it would be a challenge to make Carlos fall for him, but he said he lives for a challenge. Yeah, I don't know. So here we go.

Dedicating this to my two awesome betas, kathrynew30 and Aranelle. They're both happy to see Kendall going after what he wants, and happy to see more of Carlos for once. And this is still fun to write, because it's lighter than what I normally do and makes me laugh. I hope you like it, too! Thanks for giving it a try.

In case I haven't said it enough, thank you for reading this and for letting me know you love it. Reviews truly do spur me on and make me want to write more, and as a lot of you know they also give me ideas when we discuss the story with each other. I love the conversations I have with you guys and getting to know you and what you like (and don't like) about the story. It helps more than you know. I love you guys. :)

SURPRISE! Haha I actually ended up writing an entire chapter and a half today, which I didn't expect to find time for, so I'm allowing myself to post this one. Warning, this one is another heartbreaker, but after this we begin the ascent out of the darkness and move forward to the light. I don't know, I'm feeling poetic tonight. But I can see the light at the end of this story and we're getting there. Slowly but surely.

I LOVE EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU. Feeling very giddy and affectionate tonight. The review replies I do tonight will probably be full of sunshine and rainbows and glitter and unicorns and...oh my god, what is up with me tonight? Seriously shutting up now. Go read and please still love me when it's done. Stick with me, it's gonna get better! KENLOS FTW!

The aroma of chili and cornbread greeted Kendall when he opened the front door, making his mouth water even through the crushing sadness. In the kitchen he found Logan pulling a pan out of the oven.

"I need some of that. Now."

"Let it cool down first or you'll burn your mouth again."

Kendall studied Logan as he stirred the huge pot of chili on the stove. "So he's gone?"

Logan nodded. "He helped with the chili, though. That was interesting," he smiled. "I love that man so much. You'd think a guy who's lived alone so long would know his way around a kitchen." Remembering who he was talking to, he added, "Or not. When Carlos moves here we're gonna spend a weekend giving cooking classes like James does with the surfing. You two will at least be able to make a casserole of some sort."

"Why bother when Carlos can just cook for me?"

"Because Carlos may not always be there."

It was said gently, but the effect was like a sledgehammer coming down on his heart.

"I'm sorry, dude."

"I know. You're right. Why are you always right? That used to be me. When did that change?"

"When you fell in love. No one thinks straight when they're in love. Look at the way I went crazy over James, obsessing all the time. Literally a tad crazy, and I didn't even know the guy."

"I wouldn't change it. Seeing him smile is worth every second of pain."

Logan blew out a breath. "Even if you're not the one making him smile?"

Kendall shrugged, his chest tightening. "I'm always gonna make him smile. He made it clear he doesn't want to lose me."

"Your friendship means everything to him, Kendall." Logan pulled two bowls down from the cupboard. "Can you grab a couple plates?"

Kendall did, reaching into the cupboard closest to him. "He said that?"

"He didn't have to. Even James can see that. And I haven't said it, but it means a lot to me that you're trying with him."

"He's actually not too bad once you get to know him. And he's Team Kenlos, so that grants him automatic brownie points."

"Team what?"

"You know...like Brangelina. It's how they smash names together to make a couple name. We're Kenlos." Kendall shrugged, knowing he was being ridiculous.

Logan laughed. "And you say me and James are sickening? But he's convinced Carlos will wake up. Said it's easier to see something clearly from a distance."

"James said that?"

"Yeah, he can get deep sometimes. God, I love him. Here, take your chili, I'll bring the whole pan of cornbread to the table."

"Don't forget the honey."

"It was one time! Now go, I'll be right there."

Kendall seated himself at the dining room table, blowing on his food in case Logan was watching. His phone alerted him to a text and his heart stopped. It was Carlos.

He is not texting me from the plane. Carlos, you are such a little shit.

Of course he pulled it out and read it. "Kendall will be happy I'm home but I won't. I miss you."

The tightness in his chest became too much to bear. "Carlos, why? Why do you do this to me?" he whispered, and now the hated tears were gathering.

"Whoa. What happened?"

Kendall passed him the phone wordlessly.

Logan's lips moved as he read in silence. "This makes no sense."

"He has a teddy bear. That he bought after I moved. He cuddles with it every night and its name is Kendall."

Logan's eyes widened slightly. "Are you serious?"

Kendall nodded miserably. "And that bear he won me. He named it Carlos. So I can cuddle with it when I miss him."

"I'm...wow. How are you two not married yet?"

"He got excited when the realtor flirted with him and tried to ask her on a date. That's how."

Logan sat down, stunned. "Today? That happened today?"

Another tortured nod. "It's the first time I ever came close to hating him. I don't want to hate him, Logan. I don't ever want my feelings to get in the way of our friendship. And now they are. It was a mistake. All this stuff between us, it was a mistake. Can't believe he fucked me."

Logan's jaw dropped and his mouth worked in silence.

"Oh, yeah. Forgot to mention that. We had sex. Six times, all in one night. Well, one this morning."

"I don't...I can't...Kendall, he fucked you and still tried to ask a girl on a date? What the fuck is wrong with him?"

"I took him to the Center today. We played hockey and skated around like a couple. It was a perfect day. I had three perfect days in a row and then the second a chick showed any interest in him, it was like none of it had ever happened."

"But I don't understand. He is so in love with you!"

"But he's not. That's the-"

"Oh, he so is, there's no question in my mind. I know Carlos, and I know what I saw this weekend. James agrees, the guy is crazy over you. What the hell is holding him back?"

Kendall shook his head and bit into a piece of cornbread, talking with his mouth full. "The gay thing. Nothing else makes sense. Apparently he's just not gay."

"Okay, I could buy that if it wasn't for you. I don't care that he's not attracted to other guys, there's no question he's attracted to you. He fucked you, for God's sake. Six times!"

"I know! And I really thought I'd wake up to see him running away, but he didn't. He wanted more. And then the skating, and it was so romantic, and I started to think maybe..." Kendall sighed. "That's where I fucked up. Thinking maybe it might happen. I should know by now. I should know."

"Kendall, after the weekend you two spent together, anyone would think that. Don't beat yourself up about it, you had every right to get your hopes up. I'm ready to fly to Minnesota right now and go kick his ass."

"He's not there yet, but thanks," Kendall said with a wan smile. "Eat your food before it gets cold."

Logan took a moment to butter his cornbread before taking a bite of the chili. "Damn. This is really good. I should let James help more often."

Kendall nodded his agreement, mouth full once again.

"Would you let me call him, Kendall? Talk to him about all of this? Because it's obvious you're not ever going to come clean."

"I told him I loved him at the airport."

Logan choked on his food. "You did?"

"Yes. Here, drink your tea."

When Kendall passed him the glass, he sucked it down and cleared his throat. "Okay. You told him?"

"I kissed him goodbye and said 'I love you.'"

"How did you say it? With what inflection? The way you always do, like 'I love you, buddy' or did you put your feelings into it?"

"I uh...I stared into his eyes and said it as if they were the most important three words I would ever speak in my life. Because they are."

"Kendall, wow. What did he say?"

Knowing he wouldn't be able to eat anymore due to the sick feeling in his stomach, Kendall pushed his bowl away. "He said...'I know.' He knows, Logan. And it doesn't make any difference."

"Shit. Okay, come on. I know that look." Logan stood up and pulled Kendall out of his chair, leading him to the living room before settling on the couch and holding him close. "It's okay."

"No, it's not," Kendall whined. "It's never gonna be okay because he's never gonna love me and I don't know what I'm gonna do when he lives with me and I have to see him every day. Logan, what the hell am I gonna do?"

"I could kill that little shit right now. Where is his head?" Logan held Kendall as he cried, rocking him for a few minutes and letting Kendall get it all out. He'd known what an emotionally draining weekend this would be for Kendall, but had no idea it would ever get this far in the space of four days. "Will you let me talk to him?" Logan asked softly. "Find out why he's so afraid to do something about this?"

"I told you why. He's not gay."

"He doesn't have a problem with homosexuality! He never has, dude, he's always accepted us and defended us and it's obviously not something that bothers him."

"It's different when it's you, though. Your friends can do what they want, but when it's you who's feeling like this, everything changes. It's scary. You remember that, don't you?"

"I do, but Carlos isn't the kind of guy to let that bother him. He'll take what he wants, and fuck what everyone else thinks."

"Even his dad?"

"Yeah, his dad wouldn't be thrilled, but he never made us feel like bad people once he found out. He still treated us like sons when we'd hang out with Carlos."

"You know how badly Carlos wants kids, though. That's a huge thing to get past."

"Gays have kids, Kendall. I've already mentioned it to James."

"You have?"

"Yes. He's not sure what he wants at this point, but he's aware I want them and is open to the idea. Besides, you want kids, too. You always have. The two of you would be incredible together as parents. One of you would push your kids down the swirly slide while the other waited to catch them. Jesus, that's so adorable I might puke. You need to talk to him and make this happen, Kendall."

"Will you stop making me see things like that? Fuck, I want that so bad it hurts. Literally, my stomach hurts just thinking about what I'd give for that."

"So talk to him. Or let me. Though he didn't really open up to me too much when we did talk."

Logan shifted to lean back against the arm of the couch and Kendall followed, taking what comfort he could through touch. "What did you guys talk about at Disneyland? Tell me everything he said. I need to understand this," Kendall pleaded.

"Well, he was freaked out because of how much he liked you sucking on his neck."

"See? It's different when it's you who's suddenly gay."

"But it didn't seem like it was a bad kind of freakout. Like I said, I offered to talk to you about keeping your distance and he practically bit my head off. He wanted more. I think he was just overwhelmed by his own reaction. He didn't expect that."

"And you guys talked about Megan, he said that."

"Yeah, I asked how that was going and he said not too well. Told me a little about how she's using him and he wasn't sure what to do. I said he should dump her, that he deserves better."

Kendall nodded. "What was this talk about all shapes and sizes?"

"Oh, well he said he didn't know what he wanted anymore, that he'd been trying for so many years to find love and every time he thought he had it, the girl would leave him for someone else. And I said maybe he's looking for the wrong thing, that he keeps repeating the pattern and needs to consider something different. And he asked what I meant by that. I was hoping he'd get the point I was suggesting a guy, so I reminded him that love is different for everyone, that we each have our own perfect match. It comes in all shapes and sizes."

"What did he say?"

Logan hesitated before answering, then replied, "He asked how I knew I was gay, when it happened."

Kendall shot up with wide eyes. "He what? He asked you that?"

"Yeah. Which is why I'm so shocked he'd have such a problem with it. He seemed to be considering the idea."

"What did you tell him?"

"That it wasn't something I knew right away, it snuck up on me gradually and when I couldn't control my thoughts or urges anymore, I knew. So I stopped fighting it."

"So then later that night he lets me blow him, and we totally make out. And the next morning, he's scared shitless. But he didn't let it stop him, he said..."

"What?"

"He said my standards were too high and I should consider things I hadn't before. And I said he should, too. And he gave me this look. The same kind of look he gave me when I told him I love him. Like it was there, like he was feeling it, but he couldn't take that next step."

"Kendall, maybe he just needs time. This all happened really fast."

"Okay, I get that, but if he's falling for me then why the fuck did he want to ask that chick out?"

"Fear? Maybe it's getting too real for him? See, I wish you would just talk to him about all this. You're gonna call him tonight, right?"

"He wants to webcam again."

"Then do it. You two need to talk this out. Please, Kendall. For your own sanity, talk to him. Find out what he wants, and if he doesn't know, help him get there."

"I'm done getting my hopes up, Logan. I know he needs time but I can't do this anymore. My heart can't keep getting shredded every time he changes his mind and runs."

"I agree with that but you've had ten years to get to this point. Give the poor guy a few days, at least."

"You know, I'd agree with you, except for that comment he made about her being like me. Do you know he said that about this Jenna bitch? He said 'She's like you, only female.' That was what he loved about her. So he's well aware that I'm what he wants, but he's never going to accept that it's right for him. He took everything I had to give and it still wasn't enough. He still would rather be with a girl. So fuck him. I'm done."

Logan sighed. "Kendall, you have to-"

"I don't have to do anything, Logan. For ten years I've given him everything he's ever asked, told him countless times this weekend I'm his, that I'll give him anything. And instead of taking it, he runs to this bitch who likes pizza and beer because she's got tits and a cute smile? Fuck that. Let her have him. I'll never let him be alone, but I'll be damned if I'm gonna wait around for him to break my heart some more. I'm done."

"You know, part of me wants to cheer because I've been telling you all that for years. To move on. But after everything I saw this weekend, I really think you might have something, Kendall. I think you should just talk to him."

"Oh, I'll talk to him, alright."

"You're mad."

"Raging. What gives him the right to treat me like this? To play with my heart, give me those looks and kisses, and we won't even talk about the way he fucks me just right. I get it now, why you never want to leave the bed. James told me it would be like that with him, that once I had Carlos I'd want it all the time. Did you know that before you, sex was boring to him?"

Logan grinned, his eyes lighting up. "I did. I was worried I wouldn't change his mind on that, that I wouldn't be good enough. Because he'd had all these guys and how was I supposed to compare to that? But see, when it's right, it's right. It's the same for you. You've had no interest in sex for a long time now, but when it's him? You want it all the time."

"Fuck, I do. Even right now I'm sitting here wanting him, as pissed as I am my body is screaming for him and I'd give anything to touch him. And that's what I have to get past. Because when I live with him, I can't do it. Not because he won't let me, but because the more I do it, the harder it's gonna be when he finds someone and it all stops. I can't do it anymore, Logan. This weekend showed me that. It's over. I have to move on."

"Kendall, can I ask you one more time to talk to him? Tell him how you feel?"

"No. All that's gonna do is ruin the friendship we do have. I think if he was ever going to take that step, he would have today. And instead, he wanted beer and pizza. There's nothing more I can do. He's made up his mind that I'm not the one he wants to be with forever."

"I'm still lost on the whole beer and pizza thing, but I don't want to see you give up on something that might actually pan out."

"I have to, Logan. I have to or it will keep breaking me down until I'm as bad as he is, following these girls around like a puppy waiting for a treat. I won't do that to myself. I'd rather be alone for the rest of my life than put myself through that."

"But then you're dead inside."

Kendall licked his lips before replying, "It's better than living for something that'll never happen and dying every single time he smiles at me. It's either let it go now or lose what I do have of him. I'm not willing to risk that."

Logan nodded slowly, sensing that Kendall was about to leave. "Call me later?"

Kendall stood up. "You and James aren't busy tonight?"

"We're gonna try to hook up for an hour or so online but I don't know if it'll work out. He's got a lot to do before flying out at midnight."

"If I know James," Kendall said, "he'll find a way. That guy is crazy about you."

Another blinding smile from Logan. "I know. I never thought I could be this happy."

"Like you said. When it's right, it's right."

Kendall wasn't sure what to do. He'd received a text when Carlos landed, letting him know Carlos had made it safely to Minnesota, but there'd been no call. Not that he'd expected one. He gave Carlos two hours to get home and settled, and now it was later than their normal date time and he wondered if Carlos was sitting there waiting or if he'd just gone to bed.

He was nervous, which was ridiculous. How could you be nervous about talking to someone you'd known your whole life? Everything had changed, though, and being apart gave you time to think things through. If Carlos was going to back away, now would be the time. Part of Kendall hoped he would. It would make it easier to resist the little fucker.

Finally he sent a text. "You still up?"

A reply came back almost immediately. "We're waiting for you."

We. Fuck. I can't. I can't do this. Fucking Carlos and his stupid fucking bears. He reached out to pet the stuffed animal sitting at his side on the bed, his heart clenching. Suddenly he couldn't breathe. He picked it up and hugged it to his chest, wishing with all his heart it was the real thing in his arms and he didn't care, he'd follow Carlos around like a puppy every day for the rest of his life, anything to have that smile and those eyes on him.

Damn you, Carlos. Damn you. I'm not gonna do this. I'm not.

He set the bear down and connected to the video chat, heart beating wildly when Carlos appeared on the screen. Carlos looked tired and a little scruffy, and all it did was make Kendall want to pull him right through the laptop and into his arms. "Hey you."

A tiny smile greeted him. "Hi there. How you doing?"

"Been worse. How was your flight?"

"Long. I talked to that lady a lot. She ended up giving me advice instead of the other way around. Funny how that works, huh?"

Kendall chuckled. "What sort of advice?"

"Just about life. Love. I broke up with Megan."

Kendall perked up. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. For good. She really didn't seem all that bothered by it."

"I'm sorry, Carlos. I really am."

He shrugged as if it was no big deal. "It didn't surprise me. Should I call Jenna?"

Jesus fucking Christ, are you really asking me that? "I think you should do what your heart tells you."

"My heart doesn't know what the fuck it wants. We're not on speaking terms right now."

Kendall couldn't remember ever hearing Carlos so dead inside. Obviously the Megan thing had affected him much more than he'd let on. "I hate that I'm not there."

"Yeah, it's not one of my favorite things, either."

"Dude, are you okay? Because I'm ready to book the next flight to Minnesota so I can hold you and let you cry."

"Thanks, but I'm past the crying. Time to move on, you know? Sometimes you want something so bad and you have to just accept it's never gonna happen the way you want it to. And you move on."

Kendall's heart dropped. Carlos was telling him to move on. "Yeah," he whispered, tears close to the surface. He couldn't do this. "I know you're tired, we hardly slept last night, so I'm gonna go. Give me a call sometime tomorrow?"

Carlos was quiet, staring at Kendall with a look he couldn't decipher.

Fuck. Don't do this. Don't push me away. I thought I wanted it but I was wrong, please don't push me away right after I got you back. I can't do this I can't do this I can't do this.

"Where's Carlos?"

Kendall blinked, trying to shake his panic. "What?"

"Carlos. Kendall wants to meet him." Carlos held up a big white teddy bear that had been outside of the screen.

"Fuck," Kendall muttered, biting back the tears. How did Carlos manage to do this to him? He pulled his own smaller brown teddy bear onto his lap. "He's right here."

Finally there was a real smile on Carlos' face again. "He's a handsome little guy, isn't he?"

Kendall laughed. "He sure is. Kendall isn't so bad, either."

"Yeah, I tell him that all the time. He's happy to meet Carlos and can't wait until they can be together."

"Carlos can't either. When will that be, do you know yet?"

"Talked to Mom a little tonight, but we're all gonna sit down tomorrow and work out the details. We can occupy the building in a few weeks if we want. Katie said she might head out there before us to get it going. I told her she could stay with you, hope that's okay."

"Of course it is. But not for long, right?"

"No, she and your mom are gonna get a place to share for a while."

"Sounds good. I'll call Katie tomorrow to get it figured out. So maybe a month for you? I only ask because Carlos is lonely."

"Yeah, Kendall's going crazy," Carlos agreed. "He'd kill for a kiss right now."

Kendall's heart contracted, the longing ache deeper than it ever had been. His body once again screamed for Carlos. He lifted the bear and touched its face to the screen. Carlos bit his lip and did the same, and when the two bears "kissed" his eyes lifted to Kendall's.

"I miss you," Carlos whispered.

Carlos please come back to me. I can't do this, I need you here now, not in a month or even two days please just be here now. "I know," Kendall answered, knowing if he said anything more he'd completely break down and beg.

Slowly Carlos pulled the teddy bear back from the screen. "I'm gonna sleep now. Goodnight."

Don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me. "Night. Talk to you tomorrow."

"Yeah."

After Carlos disappeared Kendall crumbled, hugging the bear close as emptiness overwhelmed him. He'd never cried so hard or hurt so deeply. Knowing Logan was probably talking to James, he sent a quick text rather than call.

"Is it possible to die from a broken heart?"

"Technically, yes. You stop living. Did you talk to him?"

"He misses me."

"Duh. Did you TALK to him?"

"He broke up with Megan and wants to call beer and pizza bitch. He told me to move on."

"You can come over."

"Going to bed. Say hi to James."

"He says hi and he's sorry. He wants to kick Carlos' ass too."

Kendall laughed. "Tell him thanks. Now go jack off with your husband."

"I intend to. I'm here if you need me."

"I know. Thanks."

"Anytime."

He laid in bed for twenty minutes telling himself to let Carlos go and move on. It was obviously what Carlos wanted him to do. In the end all he could do was hug the damn teddy bear close and cry as panic set in at the thought of actually doing that, and he knew that once again, he was screwed.