Disclaimer: "Detective Conan" belongs to Gosho Aoyama.
Thanks a lot to my wonderful beta DoRaeMon (Astarael00 on this site or Rae00 on Livejournal), who has retired in the meantime.
x.
FS
x.
SARCASMS
(edited)
x.
Sarcasms V (2)
"Precipitosissimo"
x.
Since my mind had been preoccupied with my mother's past and her possible relationship with Kudo's father, I had completely forgotten about Ran. I still remembered that Kudo had told me in the café that she would like to meet me; and yet I didn't expect us to meet so soon. I surmised she was alarmed when she heard that her boyfriend had—once again?—befriended himself with a damsel in distress and even let this damsel in distress stay at his house for a night. It must have seemed even more dangerous to her when he told her that the same girl would be staying longer at his house than expected. I couldn't blame her that she felt like jumping into the next train to have a look at her rival.
Kudo's house didn't have enough rooms for all of us unless he shared a room with Ran. And since I was no masochist, I'd rather go back to the Grand Suzuki than stay here any longer.
"How long do I have to stay in here?" I asked Kudo, who had flopped down next to me.
"The question is not how long you have to stay in Japan but how long you'd like to stay in Japan," he corrected me, and poured tea into my cup.
"You mean that the police doesn't need me? I can leave whenever I want? But didn't you tell Alec that you wouldn't let us go anywhere until the case was officially closed?"
"I was lying," he said, matter-of-factly. "We only need to take down your witness account. And you can either leave Japan or stay here." He smiled at me. "Do you like my tea?"
"Very much, although I didn't expect that it would be so sweet. Well, since I can leave whenever I want to, I'd like to return to London as soon as possible. I think I'll take the next flight," I remarked, trying to sound nonchalant, and took another sip of my tea.
Kudo gave me an uncomprehending look. "But why so soon?"
"Because Ran would use her karate skills to kill me if she met me here," I explained. "I must return to London anyway. I have to practise for my concert. The fifth Sarcasm—"
"Ran won't kill you, I assure you," he interrupted me. The fifth Sarcasm obviously didn't interest him.
"You mean she is not a jealous person?"
"She can be very jealous. And her karate skills are terrific. But she won't be jealous of you."
Ah, either Ran was a very confident woman, or I was really not his type.
"Where is she going to sleep? I hope you don't want to share the room with both of us." The idea had come to me that he might ask me to share the bedroom of his parents with Ran.
"Ran and Agasa are staying at Agasa's house," he said. "Agasa is my neighbor. Have you forgotten that?"
"You would let your girlfriend stay with your neighbour and share a room with a stranger?" I stared at him in shock.
He gave me a sad smile.
"You still don't get it, do you? I've been lying to you, too. Ran isn't my girlfriend. She and I are just childhood friends. We get along very well, that's all."
"But the photos—"
"The photos are old," he said. "We had been going out with each other for a few months until we noticed that we were really not made for each other." He had stood up and settled himself on his bed in the meantime. Looking up at him, I noticed that he was watching me with a melancholic expression.
"She fell in love with someone else," I hazard a guess.
"I fell in love with someone else," he said. "I was sorry that I didn't realize it earlier."
"May I ask who the unlucky girl is?" I asked, thinking that it was ironic that I had been jealous of Ran for the whole time while he was actually in love with another girl.
He smiled.
"I'll tell you if you drink up your tea and promise me that you will stay here."
"I can't stay," I said, feeling that I had to leave if I didn't want to make matters worse. "At least you can tell me why she is not here with you."
"Because she doesn't love me. She would rather spend an eternity with her computer than with me. She once told me that. She thinks that we're only friends, anyway."
"If she really doesn't know about your feelings for her, she might have said it only to tease you. Why don't you just tell her?"
"I can't," he smiled. "I'll tell her when she comes back. But why don't you want to stay here?"
"I must practise for my next concert. But, if you miss me so much, you can visit me in London someday. I've enjoyed my holidays in Tokyo greatly, by the way." The last sentence was meant to be ironic and humorous, considering that I had spent my "holidays" being stalked and kidnapped. But I realized that I actually meant it. Despite Black and his secret organization, despite my sudden, unrequited infatuation with someone who might be my brother and the (unsolved?) mystery of my mother's death, I discovered that I had really enjoyed the past twenty-six hours.
Drinking up my tea, I reflected that there was the possibility that this discovery, too, was just self-deception and/or self-protection. I no longer knew for sure what I really felt. My view of the world was continually changing. And there were disturbing images in my mind… certainly parts of memories which I had once blotted out and which had come flooding back to me when I met Kudo again—for I was sure that we had met before, long ago, so long that it seemed to me that we had known each other in another life. Now, when I looked at Kudo's face, I could clearly see his resemblance to the small boy with black hair and blue eyes whom I had seen in my dreams.
I remembered the rain in Tokyo. I remembered the snow, the men and women in black suits and the laboratories. There had been sunny days, too, which I had spent on the beach or in the city in the company of an old, funny-looking man and a group of children. I could see clearly the faces of the young black-haired woman and the tall man with the cool eyes. However, I only saw disconnected scenes and pictures, tiny pieces of a jigsaw puzzle, which I might never solve in my life. And there were many things which absolutely didn't make sense, for example the small black-haired girl with huge innocent eyes who reminded me so much of Mifune-san, or a tall, freckled boy who looked like the ex-waiter I met last night.
It was as if a thick blanket of fog had covered my mind.
"It doesn't work," Kudo whispered to himself, looking frustrated.
Since my feelings were in a great muddle and the whole world seemed surreal to me, his strange behaviour didn't disturb me as much as it would have a few hours ago.
"What doesn't work?" I asked, mildly surprised.
"I wanted to drug you." He smiled at me, indicating the empty cup I was still holding. "Actually, I've already done it. But it doesn't work."
"You've put something into my tea?" I raised my brow at him.
"Not only into your tea! Last night, I put a bit of the drug into your iced tea, too."
"And what's the drug supposed to do?" I asked him. "Giving me hallucinations? Why did you want to drug me, anyway?" Perhaps it was only my imagination. But I had the feeling that the room was getting unbearably cold. Maybe Kudo wasn't joking at all…
"I wanted you to remember me." He heaved a sigh. "But it doesn't work. And I can't give you more because you would die from a third dose."
"It's getting terribly cold here," I remarked, and put the empty cup back on the tray. "Can you feel it, too?" When I withdrew my hand, I noticed in horror that I began to tremble uncontrollably.
He grabbed my hand and felt my forehead. I could see that he was saying something to me, but I couldn't hear what he said. Then he pulled a small box out of his pocket, took out a capsule, and popped it into my mouth. When I swallowed it, I was getting warmer until I had the feeling that I was sitting in a sauna. Kudo was holding me in his arms, stroking my back, muttering something I couldn't hear.
I suddenly found myself in London again, walking home after a rehearsal with the first cellist I had to accompany. Suffering from the side effects of my latest experiment, I was harsher than usual, snubbing him pitilessly because he was getting on my nerves. I felt irritated and ill, had problems climbing the stairs to my small apartment, and breathed a sigh of relief when I could finally shut the door of my apartment behind me. I took off my jacket, put on my favourite blue cardigan, flopped into a chair and stayed there until the haze before my eyes was gone. Then I went to the window and looked out.
The first cellist, who seemed to have been waiting for a while in front of my house, was trudging away. Now that I felt slightly better, I pitied him and felt a twinge of conscience at having treated him so coldly. Nevertheless, I didn't feel like calling him back and wasting time justifying myself to him. The poor boy would soon find another girl who could love him back, anyway. From past experience, I knew that one got over unrequited love after a while. It might leave a scar, but the wound was never so deep that it couldn't heal.
The sun was setting, and I wondered how many sunsets I would see until I found the real antidote. Fifteen years had passed since the downfall of the Black Organization; and although Kudo claimed that he no longer wanted it, I was still searching for it. The first one, which I created fifteen years ago, had temporarily turned Kudo and me back to our original sizes for two months and then almost killed both of us so that we had to take APTX4869 for a second time. The second one, which I found ten years ago, had—ironically—just the effect which the perfect APTX4869 was supposed to have. It accelerated the regenerative process so dramatically that we were practically immortal. Taking APTX4869 again would just make us younger but wouldn't decelerate the regenerative process. Two years ago, I finally found a solution, a new drug which could undo the effects of the second antidote. I had tested it on the mice and didn't observe any side effects apart from a harmless disorder of the digestive system. Moreover, all of its effects could be undone by taking a pill of APTX4869. I thought I had found the ultimate solution to our problem.
Of course it was another failure again, even though the mental disorder seemed to amuse Kudo in the beginning. He told me that I had developed very charming personalities. Every two weeks another Miyano Shiho or Haibara Ai would find a new excuse to visit him. All of them fell in love with him sooner or later and—since none of them had been raised by the Organization—all of them were much more amiable than me, which (so he told me) made it extremely hard for him to resist them. Six months after I took the antidote, the visits grew less frequent, and I observed that the time when I returned to my real self was getting longer and longer. As a result, I thought that the side effects of the drug were wearing off. Although they had been annoying, they had never really endangered our lives.
I didn't feel the need to take APTX4869 yet. Naturally, I knew that APTX4869 wouldn't kill me and wouldn't even shrink me now that I had taken the third antidote. But I could still remember the immeasurable pain APTX caused. And since the mice whom I'd given one pill of the third antidote and afterwards two pills of APTX4869 could neither grow nor turn back to their original sizes, I didn't feel inclined to take it. It would mean that, once I had been "cured" from the third antidote, a second pill of APTX could turn me into a child forever.
Despite the Professor's advice that I should take APTX as soon as possible, I told myself to wait for another month and give the new antidote a chance. I must admit that I was extremely fascinated by my new project and watched with amusement the development of my multiple personalities.
Things took a different turn when I suddenly developed a personality which was stronger than all the others. She took over my mind for a whole week, changed her name into Miyano Akemi, and moved out of the small apartment I shared with Kudo to London, where she entered the conservatoire under my real name. Miyano Shiho, my latest personality, had a remarkable musical talent, a bit of my sarcasm, and was even interested in chemistry. I considered her to be the girl I would have become if I had not been raised by the Organization.
I left the window and sat down at the piano, opened the scores of Prokofiev's Sarcasms and studied them curiously. It was unexplainable to me how I could obsess over a few scores and eighty-eight keys. There were apparently so many hidden corners in the human-mind that it was impossible for one person to explore all of them.
The whole experiment had been a failure, I thought in frustration; but it consoled me that I had impulsively tested this cursed drug on myself instead of testing it on Kudo.
Reading the scores, I discovered a small note saying that my alter ego was going to have a concert in August, and decided that it was time to call Kudo and tell him to give me a pill of APTX4869.
s.
I was still lying in Kudo's lap when I opened my eyes. First I didn't understand what was going on. But then I gazed down at my grey dress, which had become so large that it almost slipped from my shoulders, and remembered.
"What have you done," I exclaimed, staring at my tiny hands. "How could you put APTX into my tea without telling me?"
"Welcome back, 'Ai-chan'!" Kudo laughed quietly. "Would you have taken APTX if I had told you the real story?"
"I'd have thought you were mad," I muttered. But I would still have taken it, I thought, thinking of the strong feelings I—or rather "she"—had had for him before he gave me APTX4869. "What was the thing you poured into my tea before you gave me the pill?"
"Oh, that… the Professor invented it. He said it was a harmless drug which would lower your body temperature so that APTX wouldn't hurt you too much.
"Why didn't you give me APTX4869 first and then give me the other drug?" I asked, wondering whether that was the reason why APTX had shrunk me. During the tests with the mice, I had observed that a pill of APTX wouldn't shrink the mice but only undo the side effects of the third antidote on the digestive system. But I still felt too tired to think. I couldn't even move and had to stay on Kudo's lap. It must be a side effect of the drug the Professor created for me. I had to admit with resignation that there was probably no drug without a side effect in the world.
"I gave you APTX4869 with the iced tea," Kudo explained. "But it didn't have an effect on you. That's why I gave you the other drug first and then gave you APTX for a second time. And it worked." He smirked.
"You shrank me," I said weakly, feeling too angry to be sarcastic.
"That's only fair," he declared. "It was you who shrank me first." He ruffled my hair playfully. "I've completely forgotten how cute you look at the age of seven."
"I had the feeling you found me cute, too, before you shrank me," I remarked. "You've been flirting with me all the time. Tickling me in that side street wasn't really necessary, you know, just as all the other things I don't want to mention now."
He grinned at the remembrance. "You didn't seem to mind. And I remember that I already told you that you can be really lovely when you lost your memory," he said. "I almost fell in love with your alter ego."
I gazed at his smiling face and felt a pang of regret when I thought of my fleeting passion for him. Now that I had distanced myself from the happenings of the last hours, I recalled that there had been moments when I had felt something close to unconditional love and overwhelming desire, all the famous feelings which were so seldom found. Without my memory of my past with the Black Organization, I had been a spontaneous, romantic girl who tried to make herself believe that she was sarcastic. Now that I had returned to my real distant self, I could feel the thick wall of cynicism preventing myself from falling in love with Kudo as my alter ego did. I had seen too much of the world… I had had too many experiences. I couldn't love him like I might have done if I had not regained my memory.
Between Kudo and me, there was only a fading ghost of what I had felt for him many years ago, when both of us were shrunk and when he was still too much in love with Ran to notice me. Moreover, there were other ghosts in my mind that were so much stronger than the ghost of my love for him. There were the memories of Shuichi, Gin, my sister, and my dark past. It didn't surprise me that I could still remember Shuichi, my sister, and Ayumi-chan—Mifune-san—when I lost my memory. It only surprised me that I had completely forgotten Gin although he was probably the only person in the world who had ever been able to fill my heart with pure hate.
Usually, I didn't remember what I did when I lost my memory. But this time, I remembered all the things that happened since I left London for Tokyo, and my whole being clung to the alter ego I had just lost.
"She loved you," I told him, trying to rise as I felt my strength returning. "I can still remember what I felt when I was her. It's very disturbing to me, you know."
"I know she did," he said in a low voice, holding out his hand, which I didn't take. I wasn't so tired that I couldn't stand up on my own.
"Why didn't you tell her the truth and let her decide whether she wanted to have her memories back or not?" I asked, watching his reaction curiously. "Didn't you love her, too? Why did you pretend to be in love with someone else?"
"I told her the truth," he said calmly. "I had to choose between her and you, which wasn't a very hard choice."
It took me a while to grasp the hidden meaning of his last sentence and to remember that he told her—well, me!—that he was in love with someone who would rather spend an eternity with her computer than with him. I recalled that I had said something like that a few years ago, when he was whining about me spending too much time in front of the computer and working in my lab instead of going with him to Tropical Land. But, as I had always connected Tropical Land to his love for Ran, I didn't want to go. I felt like a replacement for her and thought that he only wanted to spend more time with me to forget her.
"But you told her that you realized you were in love with someone else when you were going out with Ran," I said, confused. "You were ly—"
"It was the truth," he said, dismissing my protest. "I'd have told you long ago. But you've never given me the chance to tell you. You've made a sarcastic remark every time I tried."
We were looking silently at each other as if each of us was trying to read the other person's thoughts.
"You see, the problem between us is that you seem to love the side of me that doesn't love you anymore while you don't love the side of me that loves you…" I began nervously. The truth was that I didn't know what to say. In reality, I had stopped loving him long ago. However, a part of the Miyano Shiho whom he had meant to kill with APTX4869 was still alive...
"Don't make everything so complicated just because we'll have an eternity to discuss it," Kudo sighed. "You don't have to love me all the time, you know. You can always take a few hours off."
I blinked at him, speechless at the suggestion. But then I had to agree that it sounded like a neat solution to our problem.
"Does it mean 'yes'?" he asked, beaming.
"Sure," I replied, and took his outstretched hand.
He lifted me onto the bed so that we had the same height. Since we didn't know what we should do with each other, we only embraced each other silently, and he brushed his lips quickly against my cheek when we parted.
I gazed inquiringly at him. We might as well have stayed friends if he didn't even want to kiss me, I thought in disappointment. Our relationship was definitely lacking romance.
"I think that's all we can do with each other at the moment, can we?" he remarked nervously. "I feel like a pedophile when I look at you. I think you should take the antidote as soon as possible."
I had completely forgotten how small I was.
"What antidote?" I asked and felt a cold wave of realization washing over me. "There is no antidote…"
"No antidote?" he asked in surprise. "But we have a plenty of antidotes, haven't we? What about Antidote Number Two? It made us immortal the first time we took it. What else can happen to you if you take it for the second time?"
"Nothing," I said. "It will make me immortal again. But it won't turn me back into the old size, Kudo… I mean, Shinichi… I've experimented with the mice. One pill of APTX4869 would take away the side effects of the third antidote. But two pills would shrink them. And once they had been shrunk, nothing could make them grow again!"
"But I've only given you one pill of APTX4869!"
"You said you gave me two, one into the iced tea and one into the tea."
"But the first one didn't work…"
I shook my head.
"My first memories came back last night. It seemed that it did work, albeit very slowly."
He sank down next to me. And, as we were sitting on the bed next to each other, both too shocked to say anything, it occurred to me that, although I had fretted about so many things in the past days, I had never expected this to happen. I had thought that he didn't love me, that his father had been murdered because of my mother… I had even thought that he was my half-brother or my brother. I had imagined myself sitting in a plane back to London. I had expected that Kudo and I would part forever and never meet each other again… But I'd never expected this.
Even though our minds were always searching for the logic behind everything, real life never made sense, I reflected. The only way to be happy was to adjust oneself to it, to change the things one could change and to accept the things one couldn't change. Happiness didn't have anything to do with love, friendship, power, or money. It was just a simple state of mind. Why should we crave for so many things if we could lose everything in the blink of an eye? Why did we want to love somebody? Why did we search for the ultimate truth if there was none? Everything that existed in the world existed only for us because it existed in our minds. That was the one truth I found when I was thrown into the abyss. That was the truth I did not want to see.
That was the reason Vanitas was such a popular theme in the fields of arts, I thought. Our whole situation suddenly seemed so absurd and senseless to me that I began to chuckle quietly to myself.
"What are you laughing about?" he asked gravely, flashing me an irritated look.
I smirked at him, amused. But then I saw the infinite pain in his eyes and realized that things weren't as simple as that. In contrast to me, he was really suffering because he hadn't bothered to cover himself with a hard shell of cynicism. He had simply taken the plunge and was facing the consequences. There was no philosophy in the world that could save him now.
There were no stories with a happy ending, just as there was nothing in the world which was perfect. It was impossible to create a perfect antidote just as it was impossible to love the same person forever and without condition, my reason told me. Still, another voice in my head protested, telling me that I was philosophizing again and that we would give ourselves up if we didn't try. And once we had given up, we might as well die. It wouldn't make a difference.
As he said, I could always take a few hours off…
"Sorry," I said, touching his hand. "It wasn't funny at all. I think I'll take the second antidote tomorrow. And then I'll have an eternity to work on a new antidote."
"I'm so sorry," he sighed, pulled me into his lap, and rested his chin on my head. "I can take APTX, too, so that we're both children. It would make life easier."
"It wouldn't. It's easier to solve your cases while you're an adult, isn't it? Ouch. Please take your pointed chin from my head! Besides, things could be worse than they are now. Just imagine you were my brother…"
"Your brother?" He looked down at me and grimaced. "How did you come up with that idea?"
s.
Later, when we were lying in his small bed, I felt how my bitterness gradually faded away, making place for other emotions I hadn't expected to feel again. When I closed my eyes, I felt his warmth breath tickling my skin and thought frivolously of all the nice things I could expect from him after I found the antidote.
x.x.x.