Debby my love. Best was Mimitash tho.
Something wakes you up, it stirs you and you're awake and all that just happened replays in your head, making you smile. You shift slightly to see if she's still asleep, which she is - and you settle in this favorite position of yours, her soft breathing tickling the back of your neck, with her hands wrapped protectively around your bare waist, holding you close to her. The hotel room itself is dark and dimly lit from some little light from outside, almost enough for you to make out the outline of the various furniture in the room. Through the glass wall of the room, the city lay spread out, and if you squinted hard enough you could make out the bustle of the late night traffic. The air in the room itself is still and silent, and with the bed so soft and cozy, this was bliss. You could make out all the clothes strewn about the room, and the smile that was plastered on your face since you woke up still hasn't left you. You think back on the conversation you had had with her to convince her to get here - she was very skeptical about the whole 'hotel room' idea but after the clothes were off she hadn't minded so much.
"A hotel room Gail?"
"A room at The Ritz."
You remember her looking at you amused and amazed - as if who in their sense would even do that. But it was the only thought that had occurred to you - somewhere that wasn't as shabby as your own apartment, somewhere that wasn't going to make you rush head first out the door like Holly's house.
She understands though, giving that look of acceptance, not really sure of what to expect from you anymore. So, she agrees, admittedly this wasn't something the two of you had ever done, all eager to try something new and different.
You've crashed at Traci's for about a month, Traci who's been your rock thus far. Not that you notice it. Everything seems to be just happening and you're just going with it - too confused about what you feel to protest. You had told Traci right outside the lawyers' to leave you alone for now - and she did - knowing that you probably needed the space. You just walk a bit from there - not really caring if you're going the right way. Did it matter anyway? Any way you went - home wasn't going to be there. For the past many days - anger and self-righteousness was what was coursing through your veins, and after being too damn angered to even look her in the eye, you just coldly signed the papers, as did she. You don't know if she was eyeing you in desperation, you know you're close to doing the same - but you're too proud to. But the minute you stepped out of the building, this air of finality set, and it ultimately comes to you. What you've just done - what you've just signed away all replaces the annoyance and it's hard to process. You're just aimlessly walking through the busy streets, not really caring for all the people you bump into, and after going so far that you don't really know where you are - you just stop walking, your thoughts making it too hard for you to carry on. Your shoulders are drooped, your coat pockets heavy from the papers you're carrying, papers you suddenly want to throw away.
It takes you a long time to realize you're in the midst of this busy walkway - people just walking about you, not giving you a second glance - and the world seems a colder place than it was. You also realize that you're not too far from the coffee shop. It wasn't a place that was special in your memories - it was just that - a coffee shop. But in your mind, you've just got nowhere to go. You don't know why exactly - but you suddenly want to go there immediately - you push your way through the crowds and almost rush to get there. You don't stop to think why. Thinking was just slowing you down, was just holding you down. After almost running through the streets, you stop outside the little coffee shop - and you're scared to go inside. What if she wasn't there? Why would she be there? She wouldn't. She wouldn't. Your thoughts run into each other as you make your way to the side, to stop outside the shop, next to the glass wall near your booth, and she not surprisingly - she isn't there. And for the first time - you tell yourself what you pacified yourself for the next five years - she wasn't going to be there when you wanted her to be there. You've divorced her. There are papers right in your pocket to prove just that.
The thin bed sheets are bundled up in places, but you don't care. She's sitting up on the plushy mattress, her dark long legs inches away from your grasp. She's talking about something funny, her laughter filling the room and this twinkle in her eye making you only more hungry for round two. Clothes had been discarded all around the room what seemed ages ago, and you don't care. You're lying your side, head resting in your propped up hand, looking at her, and your other hand slowly running up and down, over her skin on her thigh, ready to pull her close anytime, but for now, you're just basking in the moment, just soaking all this in.
She finishes her little tale, and silence overtakes the room, and you're about pull her close and just have your way with her all over again, when she so slightly moves forward and runs her fingers through your hair, probably something she had been wanting to do for so long.
"What do you think went wrong?" you ask her, something you've known for quite some time now, but you never asked her what she thought about it.
"I don't really know Gail, we somehow morphed from this way-too-young couple to two strangers who just lived together." she trails off, still playing with your hair, probably not wanting to go too deep into all that. You can see the regret on her face as well, the way she's avoiding your eyes, just continuing to run her fingers through your hair.
"Do you regret marrying me Hol?" you ask, wondering and hoping what her answer could be.
Her eyes immediately look right into yours, and it fills your body with this joy, this nervous energy you never knew what to do with.
"I regret how things ended Gail, never that I married you." and her answer fills your heart again, it had felt really empty for quite some time.
"Do you think it would have been better if we hadn't divorced?" she asks, and you consider it. Would things have been better? It didn't seem likely. But was divorce the only option left? Not really. It's hard to think about really. Perhaps the two of you would have ended on a much bitterer note if things had been different. But more bitter than divorce?
"I regret that that was our only solution ." you say, thinking over the past, something you sometimes avoided but mostly you stewed in the memories of the past.
"You still love me Gail?" she asks, and you can feel the vulnerability in her voice, the almost hidden desperation with which she asks that, and without skipping a beat, you move towards her and kiss her hard, her hands which was tangled in your hair now cupping your face
After standing like a forlorn puppy long enough at the glass wall outside the coffee shop - you give up and decide to take a cab home. The minute you do get in the cab, you immediately pull out the papers and set them by your side, and inch as away as you can from them, pressing yourself against the door. You ignore the papers, looking through the window, eyeing all the people through the window as they rush past you. Maybe if you ignored the papers long enough it would disappear. Your thoughts are much more logical than that - and they are pounding in your head, all the plain statements stating the obvious consequences of all your very latest action and you're visibly squirming in your seat. You try and focus on other things, work, the precinct, Holly - nope can't do that anymore.
You give up and close your eyes, sure enough you are so tired, and it doesn't take long for you to fall asleep.
It's quite a while till the taxi driver jerks yells at you to wake up, and you jerk - realizing you've reached Traci's house. You immediately check to see if the papers are still there and hey presto - there they are.
You throw back your head on the back of the seat, slowly learning that you were going to have to accept that today did actually happen.
What did you just do.