Chapter 11

I let my legs fall over the bed as my feet dipped into the carpet of my room. Usually, I was in Shepard's room---or well...our room; but I had told him I needed space. Space...a redundant term. We were in the middle of it, how much more could I want? No matter how far I looked in any direction, that's all I could see. Stars, stars, and more stars. They seemed duller to me lately. Less comforting...and yet I'd asked him for it. The last couple of weeks had been disasterous for me. Two weeks ago I had had my confrontation with Miranda and every word she had spat at me was perfectly in sinc with the fears I'd already thought about. Then after a week of her venomous looks mixed with her past words in my mind, I began to push Shepard away, thinking she was right. I couldn't give him what he wanted, nor was I even close to what he deserved. I didn't believe that Miranda was the answer, but I knew I wasn't any better then her. He had finally snapped, begging me to tell him what he was doing wrong. But what could I say? I knew I couldn't lie to him, since he had been nothing but perfect. There were too many fears running in and out of my head for me too answer him. I just shook my head, and asked for...space.

So he gave it to me. A week of it. Whenever we passed in the hallways it was all carefully composed conversations. Unnecessary small talk during dinner or debriefings that were only a mask for what he really wanted to say. It was like a deadly dance we were caught in. Twirling in and out of one another's grasps, but never touching. Even if we wanted to. He was careful not to hold my gaze for too long, and after a while he stopped reaching for me out of habit, when I entered a room. He didn't want to push me. Maybe he thought that even the slightest touch from him could send me over the edge. He was of course, completely wrong. I wanted to lean into his touch, to feel his fingers brush over my skin and his breath against my neck. I wanted to meld into him, and just...watch him as he made love to me. Turn over and see him smile in his sleep, so that I could crawl up his warm chest, and tuck myself into him. But he should have more then just settling for a Quarian who couldn't give him anything that he deserves. Children. A family. A sense of security. For Keelah's sake! I knew I couldn't even protect him in the heat of battle! He would always be protecting me...Always be trying to save me. And that would get him hurt. I know I should leave him, and break it off before he gets too attatched...but I can't. I want it too much. Need it too much...

I leaned my head against the window, letting the tears fall. I was selfish. Stupid and greedy. I couldn't even stand being away from him now! How would I ever learn to be from him...forever? I'd decided a long time ago that if I'd ever lost him again to death, that I would follow him soon after. But what would I do if I was to cause his death? I couldn't think about it. No, I wouldn't think about it...

My omni-tool flashed on my desk and I glanced at it over my shoulder. It flashed again. Urgent notice then. I picked it up, flicking through it until I got to my personal account. It was a message from Joker.

Hey Tali,

Could you check out the engine? I don't know if you're still playing hanky-panky with the Commander this morning in his room, but I've noticed my Girl's been having a bit of a kickback when we disengage from hyperspace. I mean, I thought it was the throttle at first, but EDI checked that and it doesn't seem like that's the problem. Anyways, your sex life should come second to the Normandy, seeing as the Reapers could burst in at any minute and destroy all life as we know it. But hey! No pressure on my end, not like we'd wanna high-tail it out of there when that happens...

-Joker.

I rolled my eyes, he could be so damn dramatic sometimes. I was already dressed for the day, having fallen asleep in my enviromental suit the night before. It was hard to fall asleep when your brain wasn't done analyzing things.

I walked into the bathroom that was attached to my room, unfastening my face-mask and putting it carefully on a shelf in order to take my daily pills. I had to have a bathroom of my own on the ship, though it was very uncommon for a crew member. Not that I complained, but now that I was with Alex it made me nervous knowing that some of the crew saw it as his "special treatment" for me. But that wasn't it at all, in fact, the only reason was because sharing a bathroom with others was a risk to my health. Not like everything wasn't an equal risk, but still. I didn't even like being spoiled with gifts. I was a simple person and Alex knew that.

I looked into the mirror in front of me and sighed. Water still clung to my lashes from earlier and I reached in and gently brushed them away. My silver eyes glowed eerily from within my helmet and I blinked, absentmidedly trying to dim said they were his favorite part of me. Said they calmed him, when he thought to much about something. Of course, in bed he's also said that my breasts were his favorite part of me, but that was in the fit of passion. Silly bosh'tet...

I sighed again, pulling the mirror open to get the tablets. Something was different. Things were moved around slightly as if someone had been rummaging through my things. Bottles were on their sides, and some were even missing. Strange, maybe Shepard had moved them when he had packed up my things to be moved into our room. But that was months ago: had I really not noticed the change since today?

I poured the days amount of pills into my hand and blinked down at them. An extra pill? There were nine, instead of just eight. I usually took eight didn't I? Maybe I was going completely crazy. Perhaps Doctor Chakwas had slipped in a new vitamin to be taken and I had forgotten about it? I couldn't seem to remember anything. See? This was my problem, all this drama over Shepard had distracted me. And if I was distracted, then he certainly was. I poured myself a cup of distilled water and placed all nine of the pills onto my tongue, taking a sip and throwing my head back to swallow them all in one gulp. It was a pain to take them one at a time, and when you had taken medicine for as long as I had--my whole life--you always came up with ways to make it easier. Something even tasted different in my mouth. I knew I should have cared what I was shoving down my throat, but I felt my self concern drift lazily away. Who cares if I died...it would make things so much easier for Alex. And I knew I would even kill myself for him. If I knew it would help him in some way.

My omni-tool flashed again and I shook my head when I saw that it was Joker. I guess life doesn't wait for you, even for a couple of seconds...

***

My body felt heavy as I climbed the stairs to return to my engine terminal an hour later. I felt almost drunk and weak as I walked; stumbling from time to time. What was going on? It was hard too focus on anything for too long before my vision became blurry. Breathing was becoming harder to do as well. This wasn't good, in fact, this was extremely bad. I'd had fevers and sweats that had almost killed me, but nothing like this. My whole body ached for me to sit down, but I felt like if I did...I would never get up again. My body was preparing itself for something big. Something that could very well knock the breath out if me in no more than one hour. Was it something I ate? Or maybe the distilled water was contaminated. I had find Doctor Chakwas, and fast.

At this point I was practically dragging my feet behind me, using the wall as an anchor so I wouldn't fall. If my knees hit the ground, I wasn't sure if I would be able to stand back up again. My head was filled with images of Alex as fear pumped adrenaline through my blood. If I was dying, Miranda was right: he wouldn't take my death well since we'd never settled things. He would torture himself, thinking that my death was his fault.

"Or your death from out of suit exposure will kill him now..." Miranda's sadistic words rang in my ears. She was right...damn it she was right! But I couldn't be this sick, this fast! I couldn't leave Alex behind. Why was this happening? What if I didn't see him in time? If I couldn't apologize for being a bosh'tet to him when I knew I loved him and he loved me.

I walked past the pipes of a hallway as I saw the elevator ahead of me. Shadows danced on the walls beckoning me forward; giving me hop. It was all going to be fine. I would talk to the doctor, she would give me something to stop whatever this was, and then afterwards I would talk to Alex and appologize.

A hand darted from the darkness and grabbed my hand, pulling me over to them. I made a startled yelp as the arms wound around me, trying to crush me. No...trying to hug me. I used whatever strength I thought I could spare to push back on their body and see their face. It was easy to recognize Alex's strong features lightly traceable in the dim room. Alex. What was he doing here? After a week of almost being ignored, why now the sudden change? His eyes seemed almost frantic and strained. Something I had never seen before, buried deeply in them. Fear.

"Alex? What are you doing?"

"Good, so I haven't completely lost you. If you're calling me Alex maybe there's still hope for us then...right?" I didn't understand.

"Why do you think---" He got down onto one knee, wobbling slightly as he took my hands and almost bringing him down with him.

"Tali, I love you!" he slurred, kissing the knuckles of my hand gently. I felt myself blushing despite my growing discomfort. I'd never seen him this, sloppy. "I can't live without you. I know that this mission could very well kill us both, but I can't imagine spending my last years or months or days with anyone other than you. Loving you. I fall asleep needing you and wake up wanting you. Everything I do is focused on you. I haven't slept in days because our room feels.....empty. I reach over next to me to pull you against my chest at night......but you're not there. And I feel cold...and angry over the fact that you hate me."

"Keelah Shepard, you know I could never hate---"

"Whatever I've done wrong, whatever I'm not doing...right; I'll fix it! I'll give it to you! My god Tali, I can't live without you by my side..." He trailed off, pausing as he seemed to mull over something in his head. A strange look was on his face and I felt my stomach drop. He was going to do something stupid, I knew he was. I wanted to rip off my helmet and kiss him. Silence all the stupid ranting he was doing but I knew he was in no position to listen. After all, I'd just spent a week giving him no hope. But....how could he think that I hated him? Everything he was declaring to me right now was exactly how I felt for him! How could he believe anything other then that? I didn't understand.

His mouth opened and then shut, as he tried to figure out what to say. Finally, he looked straight into my face, struggling not to fall over as he balanced on his knee. "Tali.........let's get married," he finally sighed. I took a step backwards. A few months ago, I wouldn't have understood what this meant, but after reading the equivalent of an entire library on Human culture, I understood. Marriage for Humans, was as powerful a binding ritual as a Turian imprinting on it's mate. Together Forever.

"Alex....h-how----" He shot to his feet, placing his hand on either side of my helmet.

"I promise I'll take care of you Tali! I'll protect you from this messed up universe and stay with you until I take my last breath. You want to settle down? Fine! Screw the Reapers! Let's go buy ourselves an island on some tropical planet and build ourselves a house. I know how you hate being cold. We'll start a family! And don't say you can't give me that because I don't need a baby that's half of me in order to have my family. You don't want a kid? That's fine too! Then it'll just be me and you under a clear blue sky..." This was crazy, he was crazy! And I couldn't handle this right now. The whole room was shifting from side to side as my vision blurred and slurred uncontrollably. He sighed onto me, fogging up the glass of my helmet. I could smell something bitter on his breath; it was misplaced among his usually strong and clean scent.

"Shepard have......have you been drinking?" I asked increduliously. Wrapping my hands around his wrists to bring them down from my face.

He hesitated noticeably before nodding. "Yes......a little. But that doesn't change anything---" I put a finger over his lips, shaking my head.

"I'm not even going to start with you about being drunk in the morning, because you know how I feel about you drinking." I stumbled a bit, but caught myself. He didn't notice. His face was sad, as if I'd just broken things off with him. I brushed my hand along his face to reassure him and he leaned into my touch, closing his eyes. "This is just the alcohol speaking Alex.....you don't want to marry me. You know it's not the right time for that, especially with the Reapers on the way. Besides, you would never leave trillions and trillions of innocent beings alone to fight a force that most of them have no idea is coming! How rediculous of you to even suggest that you could..."

"I want to marry you---"

"No....you don't." His right hand lifted to lie against my covered neck and he leaned his forehead against my helmet. He pulled in a ragged breath, squeezing his closed eyes; causing the furrow in his brow to deepen.

"I don't like this Tali..." he moaned in a pained whisper. My heart skipped a beat. It was getting so hot in here, and I was trying to focus on him but I found it difficult. I let my own eyes slide shut and my grip on him tightened as I wobbled. I was getting so.....weak. I needed to see Chakwas as soon as possible but I didn't want to hurt Alex by tearing away from him. He was too fragile. Plus, if I told him I was sick, I'm sure he would blame that on himself too. As always.

"Please..."

"Everything's going to shit on me, Tali. I don't like being away from you. I don't like waking up alone. I don't like that if I mess up, someone could die. And I don't like that you feel so afraid of what we have...that you want to push it away. Just let me in. Let me help you, and hold you, and love...you." My internal temperature reading beeped as it hit a high fever. The room was spinning too fast for me too follow. My strength was being sucked away from me. I tried to stare at Alex and focus on his eyes. "You're my salvation and my damnation, and every other cheesy line that I can come up with until you come back to me," he continued. He had no idea what was going on with me. I was stumbling in his arms, and he gripped me tighter. "I don't want to sit in silence anymore. I don't want to pretend I'm not staring at you when you're in the same room as me. I don't want---...and----love...you-----but please---" I was trying so hard to focus on his words, but they were getting muffled. Distant and broken blurbs.

"Alex? Alex, I don't....feel....I.....I can't...." I tripped and fell forward, my body finally giving way. Shepard grabbed me easily, letting us sink to the floor as he cradled me in his arms.

"Tali! What's happening? Are you sick?" I knew he was shouting but it sounded no louder than a whisper. How was this happening so fast? "Tali, answer me!" He was shaking me. My suit was beeping violently as my temperature drew higher and higher. This was it. I was going to.......die here. I had to tell him.....I had to let him know I was sorry. I tried to pull off my face-mask but it was too difficult and my strength was depleating. He saw what I was trying to do and pulled it off, the air locks hissing as he drew off the helmet right after. My silver hair was braided and damp from sweat as it escaped from my suit.

"Alex..." His face was like a battlefeild between fear and anguish as he looked down at me. His hands flew all over my face, not sure where to touch or what to do.

"Tali, I don't understand. What's happening? What can I....do!" Something wet dropped onto my forehead. He was...crying.

"I'm...sorry Alex..." I tried again. He nodded furiously, beginning to scoop me up. "Wait......" He stopped and looked at me, eyes sliding from feature to feature violently.

"No, don't say sorry....you're alright. Stop. Don't say anything. I'm going to get you to the Doctor, she'll help you alright?" He was so upset. I hated seeing him like this. This face of a boy who never got a real chance to just...be. The face of a teenager who missed his parents. And a face of a man, who knew he wasn't free. Alex. My Alex. I smiled at him gently, reaching up shakily and brushing his hair out of his sweat covered face. He took my hand and kissed it.

"....love....you..." An audible sob was choked in his chest and he leaned down and fervishly pushed his lips to mine. I savored it, opening my mouth and letting him in. He tasted like he always did. Smooth and Perfect. He kissed me again, and I smiled through it this time. Then the darkness swallowed me, and I fell....