Niles sates his boredom. Corrin's secret is revealed.

Walking along the gravel path outside the fortress walls, Niles viciously kicked at a pebble and sent it flying out of his way. It hit a nearby tree and ricocheted back, ripping through the skin of his ankle. It was a shallow wound and it didn't bleed but a grimace still found its way across his face.

"Yet another reason to hate nature," he grumbled to himself and continued on his way.

Unlike countless others, Niles was not a fan of the rolling meadows of green and the thousands of trees surrounding the fortress. There was too much empty space, too much left untouched and unexplored. Plus the bounty of blooming wildflowers and cute fauna made his skin crawl. The path along the perimeter would be as close as he got to any of that nastiness.

As the days went by, he could practically feel his mind shrinking from the monotony. Walking the path kept his body active while his brain deteriorated into mush. If the mood caught him, he would run instead of walk and could even be seen doing some sit ups. At the very least, he could maintain his six pack while gray matter dribbled out his mouth.

His daily walks had become the high point of his day. Everything devolved into mind numbing repetition from there.

As far as entertainment went, there was almost none to be found among the ranks of Corrin's army. Most of the soldiers were dense, boorish brutes that grew agitated easily. They were little challenge but their distress kept him satisfied. Two words and their faces turned red and their eyes bulged out of their heads but that had stopped being amusing about three weeks ago. And Lord Leo had forbidden him from toying with the troops. Allegedly, his lewd comments led to demoralization and emasculation.

Before that, he'd been forbidden from telling the Hoshidians that complimenting a woman's tits was a colloquial way of admiring their smile and that the word "pubic" must precede any mention of hair. It was low brow, even for Niles, but he'd been desperate for excitement because just before that incident he'd been publicly reprimanded for embarrassing Lord Leo in front of the opposing royal family by complimenting his "massive package." It wasn't Niles' fault that Lord Leo had set himself up for that one; he really should have known better than to walk around with a giant box. It was like he was just begging for it.

And before that, he'd been forbidden from speaking to Lady Elise and her cohorts after instructing them in the ways of sentence enhancers that eventually culminated in Lady Elise informing Lord Xander that he was the "best fucking brother in the whole wide world."

To be completely honest, Niles was incredibly lucky he hadn't been slaughtered on the spot but gods had that been worth the punishment. Now he was just chasing the high of seeing the crown prince of Nohr's face contort into seven different emotions all in a single instance. He feared there would be nothing greater than that. No, he knew there would be nothing greater when he was restricted upon threat of exile from speaking to anyone of interest.

Niles had even tried to get around the deadlock by approaching the sardonic monk from Hoshido. There'd been rumor of the monk's twisted comments and, even if there was little truth to them, Azama was undeniably a kindred spirit of inflicting discomfort. Under normal circumstances, Niles preferred to work with vocabulary rather than nihilism but he was desperate for the thrill of another's mortification. It took only one conversation with Azama for Niles to change his mind. After their brief interaction, Niles had spent the rest of that day contemplating his own mortality and considering the implications of free will and human consciousness. It really pissed him off.

Now Niles bided his time, waiting for an opportunity to arise. He was as patient as he could manage and kept a shifting eye on everyone around him. All he needed was for someone to misspeak and he could swoop in with a vile comment and ruin their day. He knew his preferred mode of entertainment was borderline sadistic but there was nothing that excited him more. He was a junkie for humiliation and inflicted it with glee.

It was as he rounded the corner that a golden opportunity fell into his lap. Sitting in the shade of a towering pine was Corrin. She reclined against the tree and stared at a book held inches from her nose. Her eyes were bright and her lips slightly agape as she devoured the novel word by word. The binding was familiar to him and a long awaited sensation of a developing plan tingled his senses.

The gods had answered his prayers and they'd sent him Corrin; poor, unsuspecting Corrin. She had no idea the embarrassment she was destined to suffer.

In a sudden burst of momentum, he had her pinned against the wall. She knew she should push him away, banish him from her sight, but she couldn't. Her arms were frozen, docile in his grip. He held her there and his breath was hot on her skin as he whispered into her ear, "How can I stay away when you drive me so crazy?"

Later, she wouldn't remember who kissed who first only that they did kiss and, gods, did it feel so good. His hands moved from her wrists to her hips and she curled her fingers into his unkempt hair. It was a frantic, hungry kiss; one that had been building over months. She was aware of everything, his fingers digging into the curve of her hip, the taste of him, and the desperation with which he kissed her as if he might never do so again. Soon, his lips trailed down her neck and her breath labored, skin burning at his touch.

His hands crept upwards, slipping under the hem of her nightshirt and she breathed, "Please don't-

"Whatcha' reading?"

With wide eyes and open mouth, she looked up from her book and stared straight into the face of the devil.

Well, Niles actually, but it was very easy to mistake one for the other.

The archer had a smirk that stretched from ear to ear and a glint in his eye that told Corrin she'd been caught. Snapping the book closed, she lied, "Royal Relations. It's about the inner mechanisms of royal lineage, prejudice, and class divisions."

"Sounds interesting," he hummed, "Maybe I'll borrow it."

"It's over your head," she announced haughtily. His smirk grew and, before she had any time to react, he had snatched it from her hands.

"Hey!" she shouted, lunging towards him, "Give that back!"

"The kingdoms of Scia and Fralen have been at war for centuries," Niles read aloud from the back cover, "But when Princess Gilda of Scia finds herself at the mercy of Prince Dmitri of Fralen-"

She lunged at him again, but he reared backwards and her fingers just glossed the cover before grasping helplessly at the empty air.

"Give it back Niles!" she demanded. He only shook his head and continued, "She discovers that Fralenes are a lot sexier, oh my, then she ever knew. Will their steamy love be enough to bring peace? Or will succumbing to their desires spell doom for them both?"

He lowered the book and a crooked sort of smile spread across his face. He leaned closer to her and said in a low voice, "Dear Corrin, this sounds like smut."

Again, she lunged for the book and, again, he pulled it away from her grasp.

"Niles," she growled, "If you don't give that back-"

"Oh, but I can't give it back," he mused, "What would your brothers say if they knew I was allowing this filthy habit of yours to persist?"

"You wouldn't dare," she snarled, eyes flashing. His lip quirked.

"Oh you know I would," he sing-songed, shaking the book at her. Then he took off in a cloud of dust. Screaming, she hobbled after him, moving as fast as her healing leg would let her.

It had not been his idea to dine with the Hoshidians but his brother had insisted upon it. They'd made a habit of it and Leo now dreaded his meals. While Xander and Ryoma discussed everything from the weather to their favorite books and got along swimmingly, he and Takumi spent their meals in silence, wishing ill thoughts upon the other until they were permitted to go their separate ways.

He hated Takumi. The other prince was a whiny, little brat that couldn't hold a candle to his vast intellect or wealth of talent. Glaring at the Hoshidian, Leo thought, all he's good for is making me look better by comparison.

"Ah good!" came Niles' sly voice from the doorway interrupting his tirade, "You're all here!"

"Niles?" Leo questioned. His retainer had a devious smirk on his face that only meant one thing; he'd done something bad. Xander and Ryoma shared similar expressions of mild interest, well aware at this point of the oddities of the archer. Takumi was eating so he wasn't paying any attention. Leo's face soured and he thought, What a pig.

"Corrin's been a naughty girl," Niles tsked, wagging his finger. Leo blanched and his eyes went wide.

Takumi began to cough, having inhaled his food in surprise, Ryoma's eyes were wide at Niles' words, and Xander's face was emotionless, but tight. His mouth was a razor thin line. None of them spoke. Niles sighed.

"You're supposed to ask, ugh, never mind," he groaned, "I caught her in the act."

"T-the act?" Leo stammered as his mind flashed through any possible act Corrin could have been caught in. He prayed she was starring in a production and was rehearsing lines or something equally benign but Leo knew all too well that nothing with Niles was ever benign.

"Yes," Niles said, smirking.

Astutely, Ryoma observed, "You seem far too happy for someone who walked in on-"

"Oh, I didn't walk in on anything," Niles announced. The implication hung in the air. Takumi uttered, "ew" but no one else spoke. Leo turned to his brother, searching for an example of how to react. However, his brother's expression gave him pause. His eyes were hooded and his mouth was not one of shock or disgust, but contempt? Leo's mouth twisted and he thought of his brother, Corrin being indecent is absolutely nauseating but you're no saint either.

With a tremendous crack, the doors flew open and Corrin stalked through the opening.

"Niles!" she screamed, "You son of a bitch!"

"Well that's not nice," he pouted. She limped to where he stood and she held up her hands as if she intended to strangle him right then and there.

"If you're going to kill my retainer, best do it out of my sight," Leo drawled. Corrin's expression morphed into one of shame and her hands flew to her face to cover the reddening skin.

"Gods," she groaned, "What did he tell you?"

"Enough to ruin my appetite," Takumi supplied, pushing his bowl away in disgust. She started to spout off an excuse, "It's so dumb and I-"

Ryoma held up his hand and she fell quiet.

"I think I speak for all of us when I say it is not that you need to stop, only that you be responsible and considerate about it. Surely your private quarters are not so unpleasant that you and Silas-"

"Wait," she interrupted, peaking through her fingers, "What does Silas have to do with this?"

"Oh, I apologize," Ryoma said, "I only assumed Silas was the one you are sleeping with-"

"Sleeping with!?" her voice gained another octave and red crept up her neck as her hands shot away from her face. "I'm not sleeping with anyone!"

Leo rubbed at his face with the palms of his hands. If the entire mess hall wasn't listening before, they certainly were now. Niles burst out in resounding peals of laughter and Leo very much wanted to melt into the floor.

"You bastard!" Corrin screeched, rounding on him. He only laughed and grabbed at his stomach to steady himself.

"I only said I caught you in the act," he explained between wheezes, "I didn't say which act."

"Then what-?" Leo asked, falling silent under Corrin's venomous glare.

"She's reading smut," Niles announced despite Corrin's efforts to cover his mouth. Takumi cringed but pulled his bowl closer. Apparently smut wasn't enough to ruin his appetite.

"And I'd be careful," Niles continued as Corrin all but tackled him to stop him from talking, "I think she's into the whole 'forbidden' romance thing."

"Shut up Niles!" she shouted, face blood red. He ducked away from her attack and began heading for the door. She chased after him and before he left, he called over his shoulder, "That means you, Crown Prince!"

"I'm going to kill you!" she roared as the doors swung closed. Leo rubbed his eyes. None of the others spoke but there was a steady murmuring from the surrounding tables.

As the mess hall returned to its usual volume, Ryoma sighed and began to eat once more. Takumi followed his brother's lead and began to stuff his face with incredible speed. There seemed to be no force on the planet that would keep the sniveling archer from his food. Leo attempted to make eye contact with his brother to make a "get a load of this guy" kind of gesture at Takumi but Xander's eyes were miles away. Leo frowned but pushed his questions aside; he'd ask Xander what was troubling him later. Right now, Leo had a more pressing issue to take care of. The mess hall had made his favorite today, beef stew. He took a bit and smiled as the flavor coated his tongue.

It's really the simple joys that make life worth living, Leo mused as he took another bite and wondered what was for dinner.

A/N: A bit of a goofy chapter for today's update. Niles is way too much fun to write!