Chapter Eleven

A little longer than normal chapter, but I think everyone will like it...well I hope so, anyway :)

Thank you Shaal Butterfly Effect, and Tipper, I always love your reviews :)

Payton, thanks for the review and the baby should be here QUITE SOON ;)

MG, lol, thanks for the review. It was great to hear from you again :)

Matilda, thank you SO much for reviewing (even if you were having problems). Nice to see that Taylor has some fans out there :)

-Sarah

True to his word, Taylor was gone by the time I awoke the next morning. I was the last one to wake and after I had dressed, I walked by his room and saw through the open crack of the door that he had indeed left. It was as empty and as neat as it had been when he arrived. I pushed the door open all the way and walked into it. I felt sinful as I took in the hint of his cologne that lingered.

I missed him.

I stood for a moment longer until the sadness pushed me out of the room. Without him, it felt cold and empty. I shut the door behind me, making sure it was securely latched before I went downstairs and met Harry at the breakfast table. He asked about Taylor, though I could tell he was just doing it to confirm to himself that he had left.

"So he's gone then?"

"It looks to be that way," I answered and then took a long sip of my juice.

That was the last said on the subject. We went on about our day as if it were any other. Though it was hard for me, I managed to put the incident from the night before in the back of my mind and keep up the appearance of my normal self. From time to time I did think about him, wondering where he had gone and if he was thinking about me at all, but I quickly dashed the thoughts and gave myself a good scolding. I couldn't let Harry see my turmoil. It wasn't fair to him and it wasn't fair to my marriage. I decided the only thing to do was to keep myself as busy as possible, and so I filled that day and the others that followed by putting the finishing touches on a few things I had been knitting for the baby, and helping Mrs. Crewe with her daily chores.

As the days passed our lives fell back into a fairly normal routine. It was as if nothing had transpired between us, as if Taylor had not been there at all. Yet, as hard as I tried, I couldn't keep my thoughts of him pushed back for very long. I could hear his laughter echoing in every room, haunting me like a ghost.

"Sarah," Harry called for me. I was in the nursery putting away a few things I had just purchased.

"There you are," he said as he entered.

"Just putting away some things," I told him as he neared me.

He looked around the room and grinned. "You've done a wonderful job with this room. Our baby should be quite content in here."

"Thank you," I nodded in satisfaction.

Harry lifted the bunny he had brought me only a few nights before from the crib and stared down at it. "Sarah, I-"

"Don't Harry, it's not important." I cut him off. I didn't want to talk about Taylor.

He shifted around, still holding on to the rabbit. "Still, I feel like I should say something. I was out of line and I know that."

I took a breath and put down the stack of baby shirts I had been putting in the chest of drawers. "Really, you've already apologized to me once. You don't have to do it again."

He nodded, though he didn't seem convinced and then continued on with what he had been saying. "I came to tell you that I have to report to the White Star office this morning. Lights and I have to go over the roster and assemble the crew for our next passage."

I looked up again, stopping my task. "How long will you be gone?"

"A few hours at the most. I should be home for dinner."

I nodded. "All right, I'll make sure to keep it warm if you're late."

Laying the bunny aside, he stepped forward and pressed his lips to my cheek. "I'll see you tonight."

I nodded and watched him leave the room.

After he had gone, I took a quick look around the room and felt I had done enough for the day and tidied up the small mess I had made before going downstairs to see what Mrs. Crewe had on the menu for dinner.

As I was walking to the kitchen, a knock on the front door forced me to turn around. "I'll get it, Mrs. Crewe," I called to her as I made my way towards the door.

To my surprise it was telegram. Our family and friends were notorious for sending letters, so I took it and reached into my purse that was on the entry hall table and tipped him.

"Thank you, ma'am, have a nice afternoon."

"Thank you." I said as I closed the door.

I tore it open and pulled out the single slip of thin paper to read it. I felt my breath leave my body when I realized it was from Taylor. My eyes scanned the words, reading and re-reading them.

"Sarah. Thank you for your hospitality. I sail back to New York on the Maelstrom at midnight. I wish you much happiness. Taylor.

He hadn't left yet, I thought to myself. He was still here.

I lowered the paper and took a quick breath as my heart began to beat furiously inside my chest. Mrs. Crewe called my name from the kitchen and I quickly crumbled up the paper and stuffed it in my pocket, my face already burning with guilt.

I quickly headed back to the kitchen and tried to forget about the small slip of paper in my pocket. He's leaving at midnight, the thought raced through my mind. He'll be there waiting to leave.

No! I told myself in irritation. It was for the best.

I had to leave it alone, leave him alone. I was married, I was pregnant. None of this was right... I told myself this over and over again, but the memories that I had of him always seem to overpower me. I decided I needed to dispose of it and fast. Quickly, I went to the stove, lifted the lid to the top, and threw the telegram inside, watching it burn down to nothing. I slowly put the lid back in place and closed my eyes.

Satisfied that it was gone, I went about helping Mrs. Crewe prepare dinner and by the time Harry arrived home a few hours later, I thought I had completely forgotten about it. I went through dinner as if nothing had happened, though I even I noticed that I was quieter than normal during the meal.

We played a hand of cards after dinner, but I excused myself after only one game, using my exhaustion as an excuse. He decided to come along and we both said goodnight to Mrs. Crewe and retired to our room.

A while later as I lay in our bed listening to my husband breathe deeply in his sleep, I was restless and unable to relax. What did I think I would do? Go to him? It was absurd. Taylor was leaving and that was the way it had to be.

I turned over and reached for the bedside clock. In the dim light that was coming in through the window, I could see that it was nearing eleven. I put the clock back down and turned over hoping that if I stared at Harry long enough I'd forget any thought I had of Taylor Hockley.

However, it was no use. The minute hand clicked loudly in my ears, reminding me of the passing time and I moved around restlessly trying to make it stop. Unresolved... the word suddenly came to me. That's what it was. Everything between Taylor and I was unresolved. If I saw him once more, I could tell him goodbye for the last time and put this foolishness behind me. Yes, that's what I would do, I thought. I would tell him goodbye and that he could not come back again. He had to hear me say it otherwise; he may never truly see how badly this could be for everyone involved.

Slowly I sat up in the bed and with great care, pushed aside the blankets and stepped out onto the floor. I went into my closet and shut the door, clicking on the light and dressed quickly in a dark dress. Grabbing a pair of shoes, a shawl and a hat, I turned off the light and opened the door, stepping back into my dark bedroom and then quickly made my exit out in the hall. I waited until I was downstairs to put on my shoes.

Thankfully, the docks were not far from our house. I walked along the sidewalk in the darkness aware of the eeriness of the quiet that surrounded me. Other than the occasional dog barking, all was silent. As I neared the docks I suddenly wasn't as sure of my intentions as I had been in the comfort of my home. Perhaps I had made a terrible mistake by coming down here in the middle of the night. I was debating with myself, not sure what to do.

When I arrived at my destination, I stopped. A small crowd was forming near the entrances to the ship, but it was so dark I couldn't make out one face from another. I suddenly realized what a horrible idea this was. I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't have left the house. I shouldn't have left Harry. I needed to get out of here.

Feeling out of place and transparent, I turned to leave when I heard my name carry softly across the way. I turned and saw him then. He was standing less than ten feet away, dressed in a topcoat and hat. He was looking at me as if I were a dream, as if his eyes were deceiving him. I froze in place and tried to figure a way out of the predicament I had gotten myself into it.

"What are you doing here?" he asked coming near me. "It's the middle of the night. You shouldn't be out alone."

I lifted my head, putting on my bravest face. "I... I came to say good-bye."

He stared at me for a moment and then took my hand. "Come here," he said as he propelled me behind a nearby stack of crates. He stopped and crossed his arms, staring intently at me. "You came here in the middle of the night, alone, to tell me goodbye. I find that hard to believe, Sarah."

I adjusted the shawl around my shoulders and looked up with my most superior look. "Well, I did. I came here to tell you good-bye and that I think its best that you don't come back."

His demeanor changed then. No longer looking dismayed, he dropped his arms and stared coldly at me. "I see. How thoughtful of you to think of me."

I swallowed back my indignation, but allowed a crude glance to drift his way. "After what happened, something needed to be said." I retorted.

"I thought we said all that was needed to be said the night I left. What more did you expect to gain from coming here?"

"How can you say that?" I demanded. "Do you not remember your parting words to me?"

"Yes, I remember quite well. Believe me, Sarah I remember," he answered darkly. "I sat in a hotel room for the last three days drinking myself into a stupor trying forget that I had ever said them, trying to forget you."

"Then why the telegram? Why even bother to contact me? Why didn't you just leave well enough alone?"
He turned away from me then and shook his head. "I don't know," he admitted grittily. "I had been drinking, I wasn't thinking clearly. I shouldn't have sent it, but by the time I realized that it was too late."

I crossed my arms tightly across my chest, not sure how to respond. After a moment, the tension inside of me began to lessen and I was able to say,

"I don't think either one of us was thinking clearly."

He looked over at me, his lips drawn tightly. "That's exactly why you shouldn't have come here, Sarah. You should have stayed away."

I sighed irritably, hating that he was right. "Fine, I'm going. Just forget that I ever came!" I snapped and started to turn from him, but he stopped me.

"Just why did you come?" he asked grabbing my arm and pulling to him. "It wasn't just to tell me to stay away. Why did you come here, Sarah? Why?"

"Let go of me!" I said, pulling away from his grasp, "What are you implying? Of course that's what I came for!"

"Like hell it is! Tell me why you're here. I want to hear you say it."

I shook my head forcefully, refusing to tell him what he wanted to hear. "I'll say it one more time. I came here to say good-bye. That is it! Nothing more!"

He searched my face, his dark eyes blazing into mine. "Say it, Sarah. I want to hear you say it."

I fell silent. His eyes in one quick moment had completely overrun me. I couldn't pull away from him and I knew then that in that moment he'd seen the truth. My voice dropped in volume as I replied, "I can't."

"Can't or won't?" he asked firmly.

I shook my head, managing to tear my eyes away from his. "I have to go," I cried and started to back away, but he was quick to pull me back.

"You came to me, Sarah, remember? You came here to find me, you came to me. If goodbye is all it is, then get on with it. Say you're goodbye's and get on with your life."

I heard his words, more clearly then I had heard anything that entire evening. I closed my eyes, letting his image and every feeling that he had created inside of me go free. Without thinking, without opening my eyes, I found myself reaching for him and pressing my lips against his. I lifted myself up to him, kissing him hungrily as if I had been in the desert and he was the water I needed to survive.

He responded in kind and kissed me back with such fervor I could feel him in my very soul. His arms went around me and pulled me closer to him, totally out of view as I tilted my head, adding more intensity to the kiss.

Our mouths melded together as the power of the kiss turned into passion. He cupped my face, holding me close to him. He pulled back for only a moment before capturing my lips again. I leaned into him and let him take the lead.

I was in agony; whether from joy or pain I couldn't be sure. He nipped at my lower lip, drawing it in his mouth before covering my mouth with his again. We held each other tightly, consumed by the fire that was between us.

It was then that the baby made its presence known with a rambunctious kick deep inside of me. I jumped back and gripped my stomach. Taylor's eyes widened in shock as he stared down at my mid section

"Are you all right?" he asked, concerned and somewhat breathlessly. I nodded, attempting to catch my own breath, still holding tightly to my stomach.

"I'm fine," I said, turning my eyes away from him. Guilt washed over me in waves. I stepped back from him and cleared my throat. The baby must have sensed something was different and reacted to it. What was I doing? Couldn't I see how wrong this was? I turned guiltily back to Taylor as unshed tears filled my eyes. "This is not right, I have to go."

"Sarah, no," he shook his head and reached for me.

"I have to. Can't you see how impossible this is?" I stepped further away from him. "I can't do this. I can't care for you, Taylor. I have no right to. I have a husband who adores me and we are having a child. Please, if you care for me at all, you'll stay away... please just stay away from me."

He shook his head. "I can't. I can't do that because I know you want this as much as I do. You just proved that."

"It doesn't matter," I replied miserably. "I'm going home to my husband and you have to be on that ship. It has to be this way."

"Come with me," he whispered desperately lifting my hand to his mouth. "Come with me right now. We'll go where no one knows who we are."

I closed my eyes, unleashing the small tears that had been clinging to my eyes and shook my head. "I can't...I'm married...the baby...I can't."

"Sarah," he spoke my name painfully. "How can I leave you? How can I go now?"

I opened my eyes. "You have to." I told him, "Just go on and live like it never happened."

"Impossible," he shook his head. "I love you too much."

"Please don't say that."

"It's true. I know I shouldn't, but I do, and I could never deny that," he shook his head as the ship gave a loud roar, warning of last boarding's before sailing.

I watched him look towards the ship and then back at me with a sense of urgency, but still I couldn't tell him what he wanted to hear. I couldn't bring myself to walk out on my family like that, to deprive Harry of his child, it wasn't right.

"I'm sorry," I breathed.

He shook his head, mouthing 'no' as I stepped back.

"Goodbye, Taylor," I strangled out the words and then turned, running away from him. I ran and ran until my sides hurt from the exertion. I didn't look back, not even once. I just kept moving forward until I was finally turning down the walkway of our home. I stopped at the door and leaned against it, trying to catch my breath before entering.

Once I did, I slipped into the house and shut the front door quietly behind me. I walked quickly into the kitchen to get a drink and made it all the way to the cupboard before I broke down.

I covered my mouth as I slid down to the floor on my knees. The tears slid freely down my hot cheeks as I finally released the tension that had been gnawing at me all day. I had done the right thing, I knew I had. I could never leave Harry. I could never take his child from him. I wiped at the tears and began to compose myself. Whatever I felt for Taylor I buried deep inside me.

It could never be known, not by anyone. I finally stood and wiped my face, taking a few deep breaths to calm myself. I lifted my eyes upstairs, to where my husband lay asleep. I had made the right choice. I had no doubt of it. I had made the right choice for me, Harry, our child and even for Taylor. As hard as it was, it was the right thing to do. I had to believe that, now more than ever.