ShadowSpirit: Um...Yeaaaah...--runs away and hides--

ShadowSpirit: (looks around the set, flabbergasted)...What the heck happened while I was gone?

Yami Bakura: (looks like a madman – or more so than usual) YOU LEFT US! YOU LEFT US TO STARVE, LOCKED IN THE SET FOR SEVEN FREAKIN' MONTHS! HEATHEN! HEATHEEEEEEN!

Shadow: O.o ...Sorry? ...I brought ramen...(holds up bag of ramen)

Yami-B: (attacks bag of ramen, and is quickly joined by the rest of the cast)

Shadow: (aside) Y'know...usually one puts water it in before eating...

Amber: Shadow, you are a neglectful parent!

Shadow: T-T I thought there was food in the staff room!

Kaiba: (looks up from ramen) There was. Joey and Tristan ate all of it the first day.

Shadow: ...Oh. Guess I failed to consid—AAAAAAAAHHH! AAAAAH! AAH! AAH!

Marik: (doesn't even look up) Hey, she noticed.

(Shadow runs up to the Writer's Block, which has sprouted vines and has been joined by two other Writer's Blocks.)

Shadow: It...it...it...it SPAWNED?

Kaiba: Yeah. Did that like a while ago.

Shadow: (is ignoring him) Can concrete spawn! ...And what are those reddish things attached to the vines of the mother?

Kaiba: Oh, those are DUH Bricks. Quite useful, really. They're for throwing.

Shadow: (momentarily stops freaking out) That is so cool!

Yami Marik: So why don't we start now? The readers are gonna be throwing bricks if you don't get a move on.

Kaiba: (motions to a large pile of rocks and bricks off to one side) Actually, they have been for a while now.

Shadow: Y'know what? I'm not really sure how to start because I forgot where we left off.

Yami-B: (grumpily) Well, I was in pain if that helps...

Shadow: (snaps) Ohhh, I remember where we are! Okay, for this scene we need Bakura, Pegasus, and every single female from YGO. ... I think they total about...four.

Bakura: (grumbling) This sucks. Why do I have to be Galahad? Why not have, say, Yami Marik? He'd like it!

Yami Marik: Yes. I would.

Shadow: (throws him a look) Because he'd like it. Anyway, you're here for fanservice. Okay, so we need Mai, Tea, Serenity, Isis...um...and... Hey, who's that one chick in the first season of YGO? Her nickname was Ribbon or somethin'...Miho? Was it Miho?

Tristan: Yeah, Miho. I should know; I dated her.

Jess: Poor girl.

Shadow: Well, she's in this now. (Uses Mad Authoress Skillz to bring Miho to the set)

Miho: ...Where am I? (A/N: I know absolutely NOTHING about Miho.)

Jess: (thrusts a script book into her hands.) In hell.

Shadow: Oh, that reminds me, watch out for the Plot Hole.

Scene is a cute little forest of paper trees. Joey is up on a platform with a hose set to "Shower." The way he's holding over Bakura makes it look like Bakura has his own personal rain cloud (fans of Bakura-angst (of which I am not) coo happily). Cute lil' Bakura is dressed in his armor, "struggling" through the soggy woods. Tristan is following Bakura around with a fan, tossing leaves into the airflow and making whoooosh and krx krx noises. Kaiba and (for some bizarre reason) Marik are playing chess when really they are supposed to be working the lighting.

"This is more depressing than usual," Bakura says heavily, brushing green paper pulp off his chain mail.

"Bastard system, isn't it?" Kaiba agrees. He moves his rook. "Check."

Bakura stops his wallowing through the trees. "Say, where exactly is this castle? Did we even build it yet?"

Everyone looks at the Authoress. She holds her hands up defensively. "Don't look at me, I gave a memo to Joey and Tristan to get it done. You had seven months."

Joey and Tristan look bewildered. "No you didn't," Joey says. "You gave us a blank piece of blue card stock. What is it with you and card stock anyways? You use that stuff up like a mad fiend."

"It's the only thing that survives around me," she retorts. "I swear I gave you guys instructions. Do you still have the memo?"

Joey motions to his wallet, which is laying on the W.B. The Authoress takes a blue paper out.

"YOU MORON it's written on the BACK!"

"...Oh."

"Jess, pass me two of them bricks, please."

Jess tosses over two DUH Bricks. "Gladly."

KLONK! KLONK!

Tristan flops into the dust. Joey flies sideways and hits the hose on the scaffolding. The lever is jarred from "Shower" to "Jetstream."

"AHHH my eye!" Bakura howls, trying to shield himself from the vicious spray.

(A/N- If you've never been hit in the eye with a hose set to "Jetstream," you are a very lucky person.)

Amber claps. "Ooh, good sound effects! Hey, we need lightning! Where's our lightning? Marik? Kaiba? Yoo-hoo, the lightning?"

Marik and Kaiba look up from the chessboard. Kaiba shrugs. "Couldn't be bothered."

"Shouldn't you be more worried about the fact Sir Galahad has to go to a castle that we haven't built yet?" Marik asks.

"Check, Marik."

"...Bastard."

Amber and the Authoress both shrug. "Let's use the staff lounge. It's big enough."

Amber quickly scribbles a picture of the Holy Grail on a piece of paper and tapes it above the door.

Bakura shrugs, and angles himself toward the staff room. Joey finally gets the hose under control. All the YGO girls are ushered into the room. Yami Marik cocks an eyebrow at Bakura. "You're supposed to be injured. Act more injured. You should be crawling or something."

Bakura tilts his head. "I don't really fancy—HEY!"

He dodges as Yami Marik tries to hit him with the Millennium Rod and runs to the staff room door. He knocks franticly. "Open the door! Open the door!" Yami Marik shakes his head, makes a pish! noise and ambles off.

Kaiba looks over. "This has reached a new low."

As Kaiba's head is turned, Marik reaches over and moves around some of the chess pieces.

Meanwhile, Bakura goes on. "In the name of King Arthur, open the door!"

With a whoosh and a dramatic flare – or what would be a dramatic flare if the knob had not caught on Mai's dress – the door swings open.

Mai, dragged by the door, flies out and splats on the floor.

Bakura looks at her. "Are you okay?"

"Well, my dignity is hurt..." Mai complains. She holds up her arm; the sleeve of her costume is completely torn off. "I'd feel worse about ripping the dress Shadowchan lent me...if it wasn't so butt-ugly."

(...Thanks Mai.)

Mai is wearing a cheap princess Halloween costume and a cheesy paper hat. (Joey made the hat with the comic section of the newspaper and no one bothered to paint it white.)

"Well, moving on... Welcome gentle Sir Knight, to the Castle Anthrax!" Mai gushes enthusiastically.

Bakura frowns. "The Castle Anthrax?"

In the background, there is a scuffle and a shout as Kaiba's fist meets Marik's face.

Mai and Bakura exchange glances and shrug. Mai continues, "Yes. Oh, it's not a very good name is it? Oh, but we are nice and we will attend to your every, every need!"

Bakura looks up at her. "You are the keepers of the Holy Grail?"

"The what?"

"The Grail. It is here!" Bakura insists.

Mai sweatdrops and tugs his arm. "Oh, but you are tired, and you must rest awhile. Midget! Crapper!"

Miho and Tea come up, dressed similarly to Mai.

"Why do I have to be Crapper?" Tea complains loudly, adjusting her hat.

"Let's hazard a guess, shall we?" Kaiba mutters. Marik meanwhile, is scowling darkly and holding an ice pack to his eye.

"Midget and Crapper, please prepare a bed for our guest," Mai says sweetly.

"Thank you!" Miho pipes.

Mai makes shooing motions. "Away, away varletesses." She then turns to Bakura and says, in a falsely high, airy tone, "The beds here are warm and soft, and very, very big."

"Well, look, I-- I-- uh—" Bakura stammers. He looks around shrewdly.

Mai folds her hands pleasingly. "What is your name, handsome knight?"

"Sir Galahad..." Bakura says, then quickly adds, "The Chaste."

"Mine is Zoot. Just Zoot. Which means something like "Dammit" in French if you spell it 'Zut.' The authoress says it a lot. Ahem...Come, come." She leads him away.

Bakura pulls his arm away. "Look, please! In Ra's name, show me the Grail!"

Mai fidgets and puts her hand on Bakura's forehead, as if feeling for a fever. "Oh, you have suffered much. You are delirious!"

"No, look. I have seen it! It is here, on the do—I mean, in the castle!"

Mai puts her hands on her hips and feigns being offended. "Sir Galahad! You would not be so ungallant as to refuse our hospitality."

Bakura fidgets uncomfortably. "Well, I-- I—uh..."

Mai sighs dejectedly. "Oh, I am afraid our life must seem very dull and quiet compared to yours. We are but eight score young blondes and brunettes, all between sixteen and nineteen-and-a-half, cut off in this castle with no one to protect us. Oooh. It is a lonely life: bathing, dressing, undressing, making exciting underwear. We are just not used to handsome knights."

Bakura blushes uncomfortably.

"Why was I not Galahad?" Yami Marik grumbles. "I coulda 'livened up the scene' a little, if ya know what I mean." He elbows his aibou and winks. Marik stares at him blandly.

Mai glares at him and mouths silently, You stole my pants. She turns back to Bakura. "Nay. Nay. Come. Come. You may lie here." She throws him on a couch. "Oh, but you are wounded!"

"I am?"

"Yes!" Mai grabs a can of paint from the closet and dumps it on Bakura's chest. He yelps in surprise as Mai says, "Severely injured! Look at all that blood!"

(Authoress: GAH! MY COUCH!)

"...I think it'd be more convincing if you had used RED paint instead of yellow."

"...Shut up, Galahad. You must see the doctors immediately! (Bakura tries to get up but Mai pushes him back down) No, no, please! Lie down!" She claps twice.

"I just wanna get out of the paint!" Bakura whines.

Isis and Serenity saunter in, wearing rather revealing nurse outfits. Isis smiles. "Well, what seems to be the trouble?"

Joey's jaw drops at his sister's outfit. "SERENITY!" He screeches and jumps in front of her. "If I catch any of you guys (sends a warning death-glare to Yami Marik) even GLANCING at my sister, I'll beat your asses so badly you...you...you won't be able to crap for a month!"

Kaiba rolls his eyes. "Beautiful analogy, Joey."

Serenity plucks at the hem of her skirt. "Aw Joey, I actually kinda li—"

"DON'T finish that sentence, sis!"

Yami Marik gives a lewd wink. "I kinda like it too."

Joey lets out a primordial war cry and chargers the Egyptian. Yami Marik lazily stretches out his arm and fist and Joey, being Joey, runs head-on into it. He falls on the ground and twitches a bit. Y.Marik rolls his eyes.

"CHECKMATE, BITCH!" comes Kaiba's triumphant bellow. "HAHAHAHAHAH!"

Everyone sweatdrops. Except Marik who, as Kaiba gloats, picks up the wooden chessboard and strikes the brunette across the head with it. Kaiba flops off the light scaffold and lands somewhere offstage.

"So anyways... They're doctors!" Bakura gets everyone back on track.

Mai fidgets. "Uh, they have a basic medical training, yes."

The two reach for Bakura, whose expression is similar to that of a bunny in the middle of a pack of starving wolves.

"B—but..." He stutters and wriggles nervously. Unnoticed by anyone, Yami Marik takes this time to suspiciously slink away.

Mai pushes him down again. "Oh, come, come. You must try to rest. Doctor Piglet! Doctor Winston! Practice your art."

"Shadow! I dun wanna be Galahad anymore!" Bakura suddenly cries. He leaps up and runs away.

"Sir Galahad!" Serenity, Isis and Mai shout. "Get back here!"

Yami-B hmphs. "It's just one little scene, yadonushi. It doesn't even mean anything. Don't be so prude."

A little "Nuuuuu..." trails out from behind the red curtain.

Amber looks surprised. "Whoa, since when have we had a red curtain?"

(Mwahahah, Mad Authoress Skillz!)

"Don't be a wuss," Yami-B growls. "Let's get it over with!"

There is a short scuffle-like noise and a muffled yelp. He comes out from behind the curtain and walks a little too eagerly back onto the set. He flops onto the bed, smoothes his white hair, props his arms behind his head, and leers up at Mai and the "nurses."

Mai's eyes narrow. Yami Marik, that is the sorriest disguise I have ever seen in my life, she thinks, but doesn't say anything. She says instead, "There's no grail here."

"Bakura"/Yami Marik looks up, puzzled. "Wait, that's not where we are in the scene!" He protests in a false, high-pitched voice.

"Yes it is." Mai yanks him off the bed. She shoves him towards the door.

Yami Marik glares daggers, but if doesn't want to blow his cover he can't really do anything. He sighs in defeat and says in a monotone, "I have seen it, I have seen it. The grail is here, I have seen—ACK!"

That would be due to Mai pulling him roughly behind a large chair. Yami Marik gives her a What the hell? look. She narrows her eyes and whispers, "Marik, you aren't fooling anyone. It's very obvious you aren't Bakura."

"I'm not?" Yami Marik whispers back in wonder. "Why not?"

"Guess."

"Is it because of my eye tattoos?"

"No."

"It is because my hair makes the wig stick up weird?"

"Sort of, but no."

"Well then why the hell not!"

"Three reasons: 1) Your wig is on backwards."

"Ah, so THAT'S why I can't see anything!"

"And 2) Bakura was covered in paint. You...are not."

"Meh. The third?"

"Yeah, 3) ...You have a GLOWING EYE in the middle of your FOREHEAD!" Mai slaps Yami Marik for being stupid and obvious. "The ninja academy would be ashamed! Now get out there, we've got a scene to finish!"

They pop out from behind the chair and face a room full of fangirls.

"Oh!" Yami Marik exclaims.

"Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello! Hello!" go the fangirls.

"WHO LET THE FANGIRLS IN?" The authoress yells angrily. "ZUT!"

Mai does a little curtsy. "No, I am Zoot's identical twin sister, Dingo!"

Yami Marik surveys the waiii-ing FGs. "I think I've found the REAL Holy Grail."

Mai dramatically claps her hands to her face and gasps. "Oh no. Oh, no! Bad, bad Zoot!"

The Egyptian turns to her. "Well, what is it?"

"Oh, wicked, bad, naughty Zoot! She has been setting alight to our beacon, which, I have just remembered, is grail-shaped. It's not the first time we've had this problem," Mai says.

Yami Marik looks at her like she's insane. "...Are we actually still trying to do the scene?"

"YES!" yells everybody.

Y.Marik sighs and reads from his script-book. "So, it's not the real Grail?"

"Oh, wicked, bad, naughty, evil Zoot!" Mai goes on. "She is a bad person and must pay the penalty. Do you think this scene should have been cut? We were so worried when we got the script, but now, we're glad. It's better than some of the previous scenes, I think."

Marik, in the costume of the three-headed man, says, "At least ours was better visually."

Yami Bakura, as "Dennis," throws a glob of mud with passion. "Well, at least ours was committed. It wasn't just a string of pussy jokes."

"Oh, get on with it," mutters Yami while rolling his eyes.

"Yes, get on with it!" cries Duke.

"GET ON WITH IT!" cry the readers.

Mai claps. "Oh, I am enjoying this scene!"

"GET ON WITH IT!" yells Ra.

Mai sighs and shrugs. "Where were we? Ah yes! Oh, wicked, wicked Zoot. Oh, she is a naughty person, and she must pay the penalty. And here in Castle Anthrax, we have but one punishment for setting alight the grail-shaped beacon. You must tie her down on a bed and spank her."

Yami Marik grins. The FGs squeal. "A spanking! A spanking!"

"Spank me too!" cries a fangirl.

"And spank me!"

"And me!"

"And me!"

Suddenly, Pegasus bursts through the doors. "Sir Galahad!"

Yami Marik glowers darkly at him. "You are EARLY!"

Pegasus doesn't listen. "Quick!" He grabs Y.Marik and shoves him towards the door. Fangirls swarm chaotically around them.

"What?" Yami Marik objects.

"Quick!"

"Why?"

"You are in great peril!" Pegasus yells.

Mai waves her hand nonchalantly. "No he isn't."

"SILENCE, FOUL TEMPTRESS!"

"You know, she's got a point!" Yami Marik complains.

Duke comes clattering up. "Come on! We will cover your escape!"

Yami Marik pulls away. "Look, I'm fine!"

"Come on!"

"Our bishie!" the FGs wail.

"No! Look, I can tackle this lot single-handed!" Yami Marik cries. "Because I am...BISH-O-MAN!" he hollers, ripping off his clothes...again.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

"THE THONG!" screeches Yami-B. "WHY DOES IT NOT DIE!"

"How'd you get that on anyways? Rub lard on your butt?" Duke demands.

Yami Marik looks at him blandly. "You've said that before. It isn't funny if you say it twice, dipwad."

Pegasus grabs Yami Marik. "Sir Galahad! Come on!"

"NO!"

"Let him tackle us single-handed! Let him tackle us single-handed!" The fangirls cry.

"I am BISH-O-MAN! I can handle them easily!"

"Oh, yes! Let him handle us easily!"

"No!" Pegasus exclaims. He manages to shove Yami Marik out the door and then slams it shut behind them. "Quick! Quick!"

Duke, who has ever so unfortunately been left behind, looks about wildly. The FGs are advancing with murderous looks in their eyes. "Oh shit!"

Outside, Pegasus is towing a very, very angry Yami Marik. "We were in the nick of time. You were in great peril."

"I don't think I was," growls the blond.

"Yes you were. You were in terrible peril."

"The only one who's in peril is you," Yami Marik snarls. He was about to send Pegasus's ass to the Shadow Realm when he remembers that he's supposed to be acting like Bakura. He jerks his arm away. "Look, let me go back in there and face the peril."

"No, it's too perilous."

"Look, it's my duty as a knight to sample as much peril as I can!" Yami Marik reasons.

"No, we've got to find the Holy Grail. Come on!"

"Oh, let me have just a little bit of peril?"

"No. It's unhealthy." In the background, screams of pain can be heard loud and clear from inside the staff room.

"So are alcohol and brothels!"

"That's not the point here!"

Yami Marik glares at Pegsy. "I bet you're gay."

"Be quiet, Galahad-boy!"

Shadow: So...um... Is there hope of getting any Duke-scraps that we can work with?

Kaiba: (looks over to the closed staff room door; the high-pitched squeals have stopped some time ago) No. Not at all.

Shadow: Pity.

Yami-B: So are you gonna tell us where you've been for the past half a year?

Shadow: Weeeeeell... I could say that I was in the hospital being deathly sick, or that I was off visiting another country buuut...Medi-chan and Toga-chan would know I was lying –cough–

Amber: I know I'm changing the topic here, but is anyone else wondering why Bish-O-Man was so short-lived this time? (she motions to Yami Marik, who has put on pants and is lounging on a W.B.)

Kaiba: Are you complaining?

Amber: No. Just curious.

Yami Marik: Silly mortals. Bish-O-Man sensed that there were no damsels in distress in the area, so he retired to his underground Cave of Sexiness.

Everyone: Ahhhhh...(rolling eyes)

Joey: (has an ice pack - we sure do go through a lot of those - on his head due to earlier scuffle with Y.Marik) I'm still gonna murder you for lookin' at my sis.

Yami Marik: (rolls eyes) What are you gonna do? Hit my fist with your face again?

Joey: (growls and lunges)

Jess and Tristan: (hold him back)

Joey: (chucks ice pack at Y.Marik)

Yami Marik: (dodges easily and grabs some DUH Bricks)

... ... ... ...

There is chaos.

ShadowSpirit: Really, REALLY sorry for the delay. I WILL get pictures to the people I owe 'em to. I've got a picture of Bish-O-Man on my DeviantART account; I'll post that in my bio within the next few days.

Thanks for sticking with me!

Medi-chan, Toga-chan, thanks for helping me get off my lazy bum and write!