Disclaimer: I do not own Gakuen Alice.

I want to hide the truth
I want to shelter you

-Demons
Imagine Dragons

I peeled my eyes open, half expecting to see darkness and feel cold, and surprised to find that I was way too warm and staring at a ceiling fan. I watched one of the blades rotating for a moment, and then sat up abruptly when realization dawned on me.

The room was lit by the light coming in from the window—I never thought I'd be so happy to see a window—and looked strikingly familiar. My room, I realized, with a person passed out next to me on the bed.

Sumire was lying with her face down in the pillow next to mine, hair splayed out around her head, legs and arms splayed out to take up most of the bed, and she was snoring gently.

I poked her shoulder, initiating the frantic response of sitting up and rolling off the bed in a flurry of arms and legs.

"What's wrong?" she said before she'd even really woken up. When her eyes settled on me, staring at her with a raised eyebrow, she lunged forward, arms flying around my waist and effectively shoving us both off the bed and into a heap on the floor.

The bedroom door burst open. "What the hell?" Anna shrieked.

"Ow. Sumire. Ow."

"I'm sorry, I'm just so happy you're awake!" she exclaimed, pushing herself off me to look me over with watery eyes. "I'm so sorry, Mikan. This happened because I was being stupid and I knew Natsume was gone and in his absence I had a responsibility to protect you and I let you down. I let you and Anna both down. And I will never forgive myself for that."

It hadn't even crossed my mind to be mad at her for that as much as I'd been mad at her for being mad at me for no reason, so it was easy for me to open my arms and motion her in for a hug.

She buried her face in my neck. "I'm sorry I blamed you for thinking about Natsume. Honestly, half the school probably day dreams about him. Even if it did mean more than you're letting on, I-"

"Sumire," I interrupted, pushing her back so I could look at her. "Is he okay?"

Natsume lying on the table, pale from blood loss, my own hands covered in that blood, flashed through my head, bringing with it a wave of anxiety. I didn't look at her, afraid to hear the answer or to see it on her face.

"He's fine," Anna said, helping us both stand. "They fixed him up. He's just been resting. He was home from the hospital before you were."

"I was in the hospital?"

Sumire looked away guiltily. "You were freaking out when we found you. Natsume lost consciousness and I think you were scared so you asked me to knock you out. Do you remember? My ability knocks people out for minutes, very rarely hours. I've never knocked someone out for six days before."

"Six days?"

"Natsume said your ability was out of control, and it gets worse when you're anxious. They kept you in the hospital for observation until they were sure you would wake up, and then they let us take you home. I'm just happy I didn't kill you. I just put you into a coma, because I'm a great friend."

"I'm going to be so behind-"

Anna shook her head. "You're not going to be in classes for awhile. Mrs. Yamada wants you to undergo a psych evaluation before it's even considered. That was the only reason they let Sumire go when you called Reo with your location. Mr. Narumi said it would be better for you if you had someone there for you that you were close to, and since she's a Protector she was allowed to go." Her eyes were troubled. "Everyone wants to hear what the hell happened to you in there."

I frowned at her. "What about you? Are you okay?"

She combed her fingers through her hair and nodded, forcing a smile. "I'm okay. Little bit of post-traumatic stress, but I'm sure nothing compared to what you've been going through. I can't imagine this is going to help your already-existing case of PTSD."

"Thanks for the positive thoughts, Anna!"

"I'm sorry. I just feel so stupid for what they did to me. Compulsion is a hell of an ability."

"Yeah, well, luckily it didn't work on me." For some reason, fake-Natsume that had been projected by someone from the Organization popped into my head. He'd had a hell of a lot to say. "Is it really impossible to resist?"

She adopted a distant look as she recalled. "It feels like someone else is controlling your body. I was still there, in my head, trying to resist. But someone else was moving my arms." She grabbed my hand, smiling with reassurance until her smile landed on my arm. "How did this happen?"

I followed her gaze, surprised to see a pale scar there. "They said it happened when they teleported me. They weren't able to heal it?"

"The doctors figured it was because it had been open too long," Sumire offered. "But they didn't seem convinced."

"Do you think that the Organization gave me something so it wouldn't heal?"

Anna shook her head. "What would that accomplish? Your body has been under a lot of stress. Natsume said when he found you-" Her voice broke, and instead of trying again, she wrapped her arms around me. "We're so happy to have you back."

"Mrs. Yamada has asked Mr. Narumi to come up and grill you for information," Sumire explained, leading us out of my room. "She asked us to tell her when you wake up, but we can hold her off for a bit, if you want."

I swallowed thickly at the thought of talking about what had happened. I wasn't even sure I had all the events straight in my head, let alone being ready to relive them. "Let's hold her off."

In the living room, I was relieved to see that nothing was amiss. Everything felt normal, and for a second I could pretend I had never left. Anna dragged me over to the couch. She sat me down in the middle, squashed between her own body and Sumire's. "Since you don't want to talk about what happened there, we'll talk about what happened here."

"Natsume unofficially broke up with Luna," Sumire piped up, maybe a little too enthusiastically. "She was going all crazy because he wasn't paying attention to her while he was looking for you. It didn't end well."

A foggy memory from that wretched room with Rei came back to me. "I think she helped me."

"She did," Anna confirmed. "Because Natsume asked her to. It worked, then?"

I scratched my head. "What was the goal?"

"Natsume was already inside the Organization. He thought that having Luna slow time would give you a chance to get away from your captors, since you're not affected by her ability."

"Then yeah, it worked. Must have been hard for her to agree to that."

"Natsume can be very persuasive."

The door to our dorm opened without warning. I ducked down on the couch, thinking it was Mr. Narumi, but only Hotaru walked in.

"Hey, Hotaru," Sumire said. "We're hiding Mikan from Mr. Narumi if you want to join."

"Mikan," Hotaru said softly. "I'm glad to see you."

"You are?" I asked in disbelief. "I mean, I'm glad to see you, too."

"I've taken the liberty of arranging appointments with Mr. Narumi two times a week, indefinitely, for you."

I sighed, sinking further into the couch. "Thanks, Hotaru." I said it with exasperation, but I figured she knew what she was doing. I'd been tortured, after all. Therapy was probably necessary.

This time, when someone knocked on the door, we knew who it was. Hotaru, since she was standing, went to answer it.

"Hotaru," Mr. Narumi said, pleasantly surprised. "It's nice to see you."

Anna got up to join her at the door and motioned Mr. Narumi in begrudgingly.

"Mrs. Yamada figured you'd be trying to hide her from me," he said lightly, striding in with a briefcase in hand. "I'm sorry girls, Mikan and I really must talk. Do you mind going next door in the meantime?

"They can stay," I insisted.

Mr. Narumi turned his smile to me. "I really insist that it just be the three of us."

"Three?"

Anna looked past Mr. Narumi and smiled. "Come on in, Natsume. We'll go hang out with the boys."

Sumire reluctantly got to her feet, squeezing my shoulder as she went, and shooting Natsume a smile as she passed him on his way in.

His colour was back. He didn't look so tired, although he still didn't look rested. But perhaps the most reassuring factor was the small smirk that found its way to his lips when his eyes landed on me.

I wanted to say something snarky, but seeing him alive was too much of a relief. The air left my lungs, and I started to think that our relationship probably wouldn't be the same after what we'd been through. I wasn't sure if that was a good thing or a bad thing.

But I didn't want to cue him into the fact that I felt different, so I smiled dryly and said, "Oh, look. My knight in shining armour." I folded my arms and sank into the couch, suddenly aware of the fact that I hadn't showered since before I'd been taken, although I must have been bathed at some point because I wasn't caked in dirt. My hair felt greasy, though. But I guess I probably still looked better than I had when he found me.

Natsume sat on the couch next to me, closer than I expected. "Shouldn't you be happy to see me?"

"I knew you were alive. That's all I needed." Which wasn't true, of course. I was ecstatic to see him.

"Mikan, are you upset with Natsume?" Mr. Narumi asked, opening his briefcase and producing a pad and paper.

I tried not to cringe at the sound of my name. "Yes, I am. He made me pull a bullet out of his body and then tried to die on me."

"But he didn't."

"But he tried."

"I wasn't trying, Legs."

Mr. Narumi was nodding his head. "You seem like yourself, Mikan. This is great news."

I turned to face Natsume, noticing he was wearing dark jeans and a dark t-shirt that was tight across his chest. "What the hell were you thinking? You didn't even want to come back to the school in the first place. So, what? You were just going to die out there and leave me by myself?"

He rolled his eyes. "I didn't die."

"Only because I called for help!"

"Enough," Mr. Narumi said, loudly enough to be heard over our bickering but not loud enough to disrupt his quiet demeanor. "You two have some unresolved issues that I might suggest you talk about. In private. Mikan, I'd really like to hear what happened to you."

"Mr. Narumi, I just woke up. I've been through hell and back, and I'm tired."

He shook his head. "This is best to do while it's freshest in your mind."

"Won't it send me into a psychotic meltdown?"

"It shouldn't. The information you provide to us may just help us in disbanding the Organization. By knowing what they were planning on using you for, we can make some deductions about where their strategies are headed."

I sighed in defeat, sweeping my hands over my face and turning back to face Mr. Narumi. "Okay. Go."

They'd already heard everything that had happened in the dorm room from Anna, so I picked up from when I woke up in the cell with a gaping wound in my arm. Natsume glanced down at mit. Feeling self-conscious and a little upset that the scar would be there forever, I pulled it into myself to shield it from him.

"You don't remember anyone giving you the wound?" Mr. Narumi questioned.

"No. They said it happened when they teleported me because of the barrier around the school. I don't think they'd have any reason to rip my arm open while I was unconscious. Where's the enjoyment in that? They certainly made sure to enjoy my suffering as much as they could."

He stared at me analytically for a second, wrote something down, then waved me on. "Continue."

I hesitated. Everything from then on required me to tell them about Youichi. The shame that I felt at not insisting Natsume and I try to save him too was suffocating. But he was Rei's son. He'd been part of their plan all along. And I'd seen that look of satisfaction on his face after he'd nearly sucked the life out of me.

I started with my first meeting with Rei, the conditions I was held in, the chains and the cold, dark room, and then finally, mentioned Youichi.

"A boy?" Mr. Narumi asked, glancing at Natsume. "How old?"

"8 or 9," I said, staring at the floor. "They sent him in to take care of my arm and bring food and water because they didn't think I'd try to hurt him to get out."

"Would you?"

"Of course not. Not that I could. They had me chained up." At least the grooves on my wrists had healed. "But they didn't expect me to. They had it planned."

I explained the first 'test' they'd given me, with the electroshock machine. Picturing the fear on Youichi's face, the real fear, and the trust when he'd looked at me, caused my heart to lodge itself in my throat. How could a father do that to his son?

"They suspected what your ability was," Mr. Narumi offered. "But wanted to test their theory. And it worked?"

I nodded. "I pressed the button when I was told to, just once. I thought maybe it was a trick. But it wasn't."

Natsume stood up, going to stand by the window, arms crossed over his chest, back to us. Assuming he was judging me for giving a round of electroshock therapy to a young boy, I closed my eyes.

"Go on, Mikan."

"Stop calling me that," I snapped. And then, "I'm sorry."

Mr. Narumi scribbled on his notepad. "It's your name. Why don't you want me to say your name?"

"Because all I can hear is Rei's voice before my head got shoved underwater."

The analytical look vanished, replaced by a sort of fatherly concern. "Please, go on."

When I got to the part about the water basin, I was surprised to find that my voice stopped working. My chest got tight, and I suddenly forgot how to breathe. Recognizing the panic attack, I leaned down to put my head between my knees. The couch caved as Natsume came back to sit, and he surprised me by putting his hand gently on my back. The calm he always exuded seeped into me.

Natsume explained for me. Daichi must have given him the details.

The panic attack passed, and I took over to talk about the hallucinations. Mr. Narumi was intrigued, and even Natsume seemed interested in this bit. But it reminded me of that something that fake-Natsume had said, and I felt anxiety creeping back into me.

"Theoretically, once I determined that it was an illusion, I should have been okay. But I ran from it. When Koko did the same thing, they were able to touch me. And they shouldn't have been able to touch me. I was scared that the hallucination would shoot me and that it would actually touch me. And I also knew that if Rei saw that they could touch me, he'd be interested."

Which brought me to the next part. I wasn't quite able to describe the feeling when I'd scooped up Youichi, and I found that I wasn't able to talk about it at all.

"Rei said it shouldn't have happened that fast," I whispered. "Half a second more and I probably would have been dead."

"And then you were able to escape?"

"Yeah. Guess I should thank Luna, right? Rei has an immunity alice too, though. He chased me. I kicked him in the face."

Mr. Narumi made some more scribbles, and then closed the notebook, looking between me and Natsume. "I think you two have some talking to do. The tension in the room is…noticeable. I'll keep you updated, alright? I do advise you stay home from school for the next week or so, but I'd like to see you in my office twice a week, if you're up to it. Hotaru has scheduled you in." He stopped at the door, turning halfway around. "And Mikan? Your name doesn't belong to anyone but you."

I smiled, hoping that when the door closed, the tension would alleviate. But it only got heavier.

"Did you know him? When you were in the Organization?"

Natsume turned to me, his eyes dark. "Yes."

My stomach sank to my toes. "I'm sorry, Natsume. I should have told you about Youichi. We should have tried to get him out. But he's Rei's son. I didn't think-"

"My mission was to get you out," he interrupted. "That's all. Is there something else you have to say to me?"

I caught my lip between my teeth and stared at the ground, anxiety bringing the boot back to my chest. I knew I had to ask, because not knowing would drive me crazy, but I was scared to hear the answer. "The hallucination of you…said something," I said.

No response.

"Something that I don't want to believe is true. But you said that they had you, that that's where you were when you were gone for a bit before I got here."

No response. He just continued to look at me. Waiting.

I drew in a slow breath, resisting the urge to close my eyes so I didn't have to see his expression. "Did you blow up my house?"

Perhaps it was something I should have suspected long before, when I first found out what his alice was. And maybe I had suspected it, but, like now, had been too scared that I would be right.

He tilted his head towards me. "I set it on fire," he admitted, which felt like a knife twisting in my chest.

"Why?"

"Because they told me to."

I wanted to be reasonable. I wanted to understand, and to not be angry at him for ripping the carpet out from under my feet, for being the catalyst that had gotten me into this position. Because I remembered Baldy, and the look on Natsume's face as Baldy told him what to do.

But I was Mikan, and my life was run by my emotions. And I was angry. Not just because his hand was responsible for my father's death, despite the fact that he was merely a puppet. But because he had watched me fall apart all these months, and he hadn't told me.

"Why didn't you tell me?" I wanted to know.

"Because your father wanted me to protect you, and to do that, I needed you to trust me."

"Why did they want to kill him? What did he find?"

"Evidence of every dirty job the Organization ever did when they were a functional part of the government. He's the one that found out it existed. They use it to blackmail people in power. It's why they haven't been destroyed; if Rei is killed, the evidence will be released. Izumi got too close to finding out where it was kept. They sensed he was undercover, did some digging, and they were right. So they got rid of him before he could find it."

I nodded slowly. The rage churned in my stomach. "How did you get away from them?"

He was quiet for a moment. "I don't know. The explosion knocked me out. That's the only way for Kyo's alice to lose its effect. That, or just giving the order time to wear off. When I came to, I left." His eyes were sincere when they met mine. "I'm sorry that I caused all of this."

I forced air through my lungs, dropping my gaze to the floor. My body had gone numb. "I think I need some time alone," I whispered. "To process. I haven't even come to terms with the fact that my dad is dead, let alone that the person who killed him sits next to me in Biology."

He studied me carefully, and then it seemed to become too much for him to bear. He nodded at me once and strode from the room. The sound of the door closing behind him reverberated through my body.

Sumire and Anna noticed my withdrawal from Natsume, but because I knew, deep down, that it wasn't Natsume's fault, I didn't tell them why. Maybe we were even. I hadn't told him about Youichi and he hadn't told me about my dad. He never said it, but I knew that he felt strongly about the fact that I hadn't mentioned Youichi, hadn't given him the chance to save him, too. Or instead. While I was sure Sumire was relieved by our lack of interaction, I figured they'd chalk it up to PTSD.

The time apart also gave me too much time to think about everything. What had the order Baldy had given Natsume been? Had it been just to burn down my house? Blow it up? How much of the action was Baldy, and how much was Natsume? Was I supposed to be in the house, too? Was Natsume supposed to kill me, too? Sometimes, when everything got too heavy, when the dark came creeping in, I wished he had.

I didn't leave the room much over the next couple of days, except to get food. Even then, I went to the dining hall after classes were already in session, when I was least likely to run into anyone. There was still the occasional student, but I did my best to ignore their stares.

Eating wasn't easy. I thought it would be, after having been starved for several days, but it wasn't. I had effectively been set back to where I had been after my dad died, a shell of a person.

Being unconscious for six days, and being captive for what I learned had been three days before that, had helped me miss the brunt of the caffeine withdrawal, and Anna wouldn't let me get back on it, despite the fact that I could sleep even less than before. I also learned that I had missed the off-campus trip that we were supposed to go on, and because of the situation, my friends had elected to miss it, too. I felt bad about that, and also sad about the fact that I was pretty sure they wouldn't be letting me off campus now. Not that I wanted to. I was too scared.

I didn't see much of Natsume, which was for the better. I was too scared to see the look on his face when he saw me, the look that accused me of being selfish enough to leave a child in the hands of the people who had tortured him. And I struggled, everyday, with my anger towards him for the role he played in my father's death. That angry voice in my head was always louder than the one saying that he hadn't been in control.

Sumire and Anna brought me my homework, and helped me through it so I wouldn't fall too far behind. When it came to math, though, both of them were useless, and so they sought out Tsubasa to come by. His genuine concern when he saw me was enough for me to immediately write him off as the person who had let the Organization in. He helped me with math and didn't ask any questions about what happened, but I didn't miss the way he looked at me like he wanted to.

Mrs. Yamada never requested to see me, which I found a bit odd. Mr. Narumi made more than one visit, however, to see how I was doing, because I refused to some to his office, and after 5 days of being a hermit, he decided I needed to get back to class.

"But-" I protested.

"No buts," he said as he opened the front door to leave, briefcase in hand. "You need to re-establish a routine."

That was easy for him to say. I felt like I had already re-established a routine of not sleeping, drinking coffee, and feeling sorry for myself. Minus the coffee, courtesy of Anna.

The nightmares, at least, were different now. They were still scary, perhaps scarier because they felt real, but they didn't contain images of scary monsters anymore. Unless Rei counted.

Anna and Sumire tried to get me to engage. They'd invite me to go hang out with the guys for a movie, or hang out with the girls down the hall, but I resisted. I could see they were worried, but I was stuck in a rut.

I thought about Youichi constantly, tearing myself up over it, wishing the world would just swallow me up until the overwhelming emotions that plagued me everyday vanished.

And then Monday came, and I had to be a human again, according to Mr. Narumi.

"I'm not feeling well," I tried that morning when Anna came to get me out of bed. "I'll go to school tomorrow."

She threw the blankets off of me. "No, you're going today. Get up and shower, you'll feel better."

Any shred of confidence I'd had about attending school that day withered with each step I took. Outside of the dorm, I felt vulnerable. Any person we passed as we walked could have been the reason the Organization got to me in the first place.

Anna was chatting with Sumire as if nothing had happened—her healing alice apparently helped her to deal more effectively with emotional trauma, but wasn't something she could pass on to me—while I walked silently next to them with my hands sweating and my knees shaking. As if going to class wasn't a big enough step, but I also knew who I was going to be sitting next to in biology.

Every time I thought of Natsume, I would try to smother the automatic spurt of anger. I knew that it wasn't his fault. But a small part of me couldn't help but wonder if he could have resisted compulsion. Not to mention the fact that he'd sat beside me in biology, watched as I battled my way through each day, and hadn't told me.

No one paid us much attention to us as we headed for the buffet line. I was hoping Sumire wouldn't lead us to the regular group, but maybe she thought normalcy would be beneficial, because she sat down next to Koko, across from Wakako and Luna. Natsume, at least, wasn't present.

For a while, nobody spoke to me. And when Wakako finally piped up, it wasn't an attack like I expected.

"No coffee?" she said, eyeing my cup of apple juice.

I forced a tired smile. "Figured now was as good of time as any to fight my addiction." Reluctantly, I looked at Luna, although she was looking down at her yogurt as she played with it but didn't eat it. "Thank you."

She glanced up, surprised, and then nodded once before her eyes dropped back to her yogurt. I hadn't heard the details of what had transpired between her and Natsume, but it was clearly bringing her down. A small part of me felt sorry for her. Very small.

My anxiety spiked when Sumire and Anna got up to head to class. My seat next to Natsume was waiting for me, and I couldn't very well request to sit somewhere else without alerting everyone in the classroom to the fact that something was up between us.

In an effort not to think about it, I asked, "Do you think it's weird that Mrs. Yamada hasn't asked to see me?"

Anna shook her head. "She wanted to give you time. She sent Mr. Narumi because he's qualified to deal with these things. She probably feels a bit responsible, too."

"Why would she feel responsible?"

"Her elaborate security system failed you."

While I did wonder how Tatsuya and Kyo had passed the barrier specifically, I did assume it had something to do with whoever had tipped them off, and chose not to disclose that information with them. No need to make them worry any more than they already were.

"Is Natsume on an assignment?" I asked.

Sumire cast me a puzzled look. "No. He's still recovering."

"Right. I knew that."

"Did something happen between you two?" Anna demanded. "You've both been acting kind of strange."

"He's acting strange? I'm not acting strange."

She frowned. "He saved your life and you won't even look at him. You're acting strange."

"You think he's acting strange?" Sumire pondered.

Anna rolled her eyes. "Yes, you just don't realize it because you've got stars in your eyes. You know you can talk to us, right, Mikan?"

"It's not him," I insisted. And it wasn't. "It's just me. I'm sure we'll figure it out." When they just continued to stare at me, I caved. "Something happened and I think Natsume is mad at me for it. And also something happened and I think I'm mad at Natsume for it. Even though I know it's not his fault." Which was why I didn't want to tell them why I was upset. Natsume didn't deserve to have his name dragged through the mud, no matter how angry I was.

Anna snorted. "He's not mad at you, Mikan. I don't know what's going on between you two, but when Natsume is mad, the whole school can tell. He's not mad." She didn't ask about why I was mad at him, and I was grateful for it.

I didn't believe her about him not being mad about Youichi, but in an effort to dispel her concerns, when we walked into Bio, I marched confidently to my desk next to where Natsume already sat and took my seat, ignoring the turmoil in my stomach.

"Hi," I said without glancing at him. My tongue felt like lead.

He didn't respond. Anna had to be mistaken.

After Bio, I jumped out of my seat and walked alone to math.

Mr. Meany asked to speak to me after class, and even looking at him, remembering the conversation before I'd gone back to my room, brought with it a wave of anxiety.

"You've been given some slack because of what you've been through," he said in his stony, authoritative voice. "You are expected to pick up that slack over the course of the semester. You will not fall behind."

I nodded once and ducked out of the classroom, skipping the trip to the dining hall, deciding that that was enough for one day.

The next couple weeks went similarly. If I'd had PTSD before, from the fire, then I had been seriously missing out. With the symptoms magnified because of the recent trauma, I was hyperaware of it.

The bell indicating the end of a class sent panic coursing through me, too similar to the sound of the alarms that had indicated a breach in the wall. Small spaces scared me, and I'd had to start sleeping with my bedroom door cracked. Sometimes, when I'd wake up from a nightmare feeling like I couldn't breathe, I'd crawl into bed with Anna or Sumire. They didn't seem to mind. Mr. Narumi had Nonoko make up anti-anxiety medication for me—that was her alice—but the bottle sat on my desk day after day, unopened. Taking the medication felt like losing.

I continued to sit next to Natsume in class, and we continued to barely speak to each other. I wanted to, but every time I looked at him and opened my mouth, all I could see was him lighting up my house, and I was pretty sure all he could see was the face of a girl who left a child behind.

I met Mr. Narumi for our session a couple times a week. He noticed that I was not only withdrawing from my roommates, but that something had happened between me and Natsume.

Tears burned my eyes. I hadn't talked about it with anyone, instead opting to spend the last several weeks internalizing it. "He killed my dad. The Organization used compulsion on him."

Mr. Narumi's face softened. "Mikan, if the Organization used compulsion, then you can't blame Natsume. He wouldn't have been able to resist."

"I know, but-" My voice broke. "Did you know? Did you know that he did it?"

Very slowly, he nodded. "Only I know. And I only know because Natsume came to talk to me about it. It's hard for him, too, Mikan. I've told him he wasn't responsible, but he can't help but blame himself."

My heart ached, because I didn't want Natsume to blame himself, even if I blamed him. Logically, I knew I shouldn't be feeling this way. But I just couldn't help it. Maybe it was something that was amplified by all the emotional turmoil I was already in.

"What else is going on?" Mr. Narumi pressed.

"He won't look at me either," I admitted, feeling the crushing weight of guilt. "He blames me because I didn't tell him about Youichi."

Mr. Narumi looked surprised, and then he smiled sadly. "He's not blaming you, Mikan. He's blaming himself for that, too. You placing the blame on Natsume for your dad's death is only weighing him down. And why would he want to look at you when he knows how you're feeling about him?"

"He hasn't tried to talk to me-"

"Have you tried talking to him?"

My shoulders fell. "No. Not really." When I was constantly torn between feeling guilty about not telling him about Youichi and mad for him not telling me about my dad, there wasn't much room for conversation.

"Everyone has different ways of coping. Natsume's always been withdrawn. And think of it from his perspective. He was supposed to protect you. The state you were in when he found you…that would be difficult for anyone to deal with, let alone someone who thinks he should have prevented you from getting there in the first place. Add on top of that the fact that you're angry with him for being the tool the Organization used to kill your father, and you have a dangerous mix.

"None of this is your fault, Mikan. But Natsume can't be expected to shoulder all the blame and come out on the other side feeling fine and dandy. Even Natsume isn't that strong. I think you two need to sit down and have a chat."

The sentiment made my heart stutter.

"Have you been taking the medication I gave you?"

"Yes," I lied. When he stared intently at me, I relented. "No."

"Why not?"

"Because it feels like losing."

"You shouldn't be afraid to seek help, Mikan. Everyone needs support now and again. You aren't admitting defeat by taking care of yourself. You have a support system available to you; I suggest you use it." Before I left his office, he called me back. "Try talking to Natsume, Mikan. He needs support, too."

That night, back at the dorm, I sat down with Sumire and Anna on the couch.

"Why have you guys been so nice to me?"

They both looked at me, surprised, but it was Anna who spoke. "What do you mean?"

I shrugged. "Since I got here. You both just took me in. No questions asked. And you've been amazing friends to me."

Anna's smile was sympathetic. "Because what you are going through is horrible and tragic and unfair. And you deserve more than that; anybody can see it. And you might feel broken, and angry, and cheated, and like you're never going to be okay again, but so help me God, you will not feel alone. And I know we might still be strangers to you, but-"

"You're not strangers," I cut her off. "You're the closest thing I have to family."

I took the medication that night, and then I left the room. I had been about to chicken out, and change my course and go get a snack instead, when I heard shouting on the other side of the door.

"Quit beating yourself up over this, man," Ruka was shouting.

"He was right there." Natsume's voice this time, distressed. I wondered if he was drunk, and wished that my heart didn't ache at the tone of his voice. I was responsible for his distress is so many more ways than one.

"You couldn't get them both," Ruka insisted. "He was safe; she wasn't."

"If I'd stayed-"

"Then you'd be dead, and maybe she'd be dead, and no one would win except them."

I stared at the door, feeling like they were talking about me and Youichi. Knowing that Natsume wondered if he'd made a mistake by rescuing me didn't hurt as much as I expected it to. After all, I wondered the same thing.

NATSUME

I knew Ruka was right. Youichi had been safer than she would have been, especially given the nature of her alice. They didn't need to kill Youichi, but they might have killed her. Still, the realization that he had been just one floor down, within reach, haunted me.

I was sitting on the floor in my bedroom, my back against my bedframe, knees pulled up for my elbows to rest on them, a short glass held in my hands.

She was stronger than I was. The first time I'd seen her at the nightclub, I had wondered what the hell kind of idiot ordered a drink just to stare at it. And then she did the same thing the next time, and the time after that. Always making lighthearted conversation with the bartender but never touching the drink. He had pitied her, and she hadn't wanted it.

I did what she had been too strong to do; I drank to numb the pain, the guilt, and the helplessness. It was the only method I'd found that made it easier to live with myself. That, and fucking Luna whenever I got the chance, although that method of release hadn't appealed to me lately. Not when there was…something else distracting me.

My time in the Organization had been damaging. Rei had used my alice to its fullest extent, using me to conduct assassinations and then destroy the evidence. Her father had been undercover at the time, and had confided in me that he knew a way to get both Youichi and I out. That was just days before I was ordered to burn his house down.

Kyo had made a severe error with that order. He didn't specifically tell me to kill Izumi, and he didn't tell me not to warn Izumi. But it hadn't mattered in the end. His daughter wasn't supposed to be there, and she had been.

I knew that she battled herself when she looked at me, trying to decide if she should be angry with me or not. I didn't engage in conversation with her, because I wanted her to be angry with me. She should be. She needed to be. Watching her fall apart when she was recounting her experience to Narumi, watching her pull herself out of a panic attack on her own…she was still a kid, and she was fucking struggling everyday. And I had put her there. Maybe Kyo had given the order, but I'd carried out the deed.

I didn't blame her for not telling me about Youichi. She thought he was Rei's son, so she thought that he wasn't being held against his will. That wasn't her fault. None of it would ever be her fault.

There were things I needed to tell her. Things about her alice that would help her. But I knew it would also destroy her. She'd told me once that she didn't think she could carry the weight of having an alice; this would crush her. She was strong, but she was by no means indestructible.

Her value was as obvious to me as I knew it was to Rei. He would have connected the dots. He would know that there was something different about her. Something powerful. Something useful. Something that would fit his agenda.

She needed to know. But as idiotic as she could be, she wasn't stupid. If I told her, she'd put the pieces together. If she put the pieces together, I wasn't sure she'd be okay. I had already failed to protect her once. I'd be damned if I did it again.

There was a soft knock on the door before it opened a crack. I assumed it was Ruka coming to apologize, and I didn't want to deal with him. He didn't like it when I drank. He thought I was better than that. That was a fucking joke.

Instead, someone crouched down in front of me. She smelled like spring, and her hands were soft when they took the glass from my hands and set it down on the floor. I looked up at her. She was smiling hesitantly. Waiting for me to brush her off again. I didn't see her smile, though. I saw her standing with a look of defeat on her face, soaked to the bone, barely clothed, and covered in dirt, blood, and bruises.

I looked away, but not before I saw her eyes begin to water.

"Natsume. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for what you've been through, I'm sorry that I blamed you for my dad." Frustration coloured her tone. "I know it's not your fault. I've just been having a hard time coming to terms with it all." A pause. "And I'm sorry about Youichi. I will do everything I can to help you get him back. I don't care if I have to face Rei myself. I-"

"Shut up."

MIKAN

I frowned. "Really? You're going to tell me to shut up?" I stood up and propped my hands on my hips. "Natsume, I'm trying to communicate to you that I know I'm a shitty friend because I should be here for you but instead I've been busy feeling sorry for myself. I'm sorry. I wish you could feel how much I mean it. Kyo's a big ol' piece of shit and he's the one that killed my dad, not you. You're a victim as much as I am." I exhaled slowly. The boot eased off my chest a little. "And I know that I messed up. I should have told you about Youichi. I should have told you to save him instead of me."

He stood up quickly, forcing me a step back. There was liquor on his breath, and more emotion on his face than I had ever seen before. He was hurting, and my head had been too far up my ass to see it. "You think I've been blaming you?"

Letting it slide that he hadn't acknowledged my apology, I snapped, "You can't even look at me, Natsume. What else could it be?"

He closed his eyes and breathed out through his teeth, frustrated. When he opened them again, some of the emotion had subsided. "Do you know what you looked like when I found you?"

I didn't. But I knew what I felt like. "Dirty?"

He didn't appreciate my attempt at humour. "Half-naked, dirty, bloody, soaking wet, practically purple from the cold, and scared," he answered for me. "I was supposed to protect you-"

I slapped my hand over his mouth, fuming. His skin was hot on mine, in the supernatural kind of way, but I didn't pull away. I could tell I'd surprised him, but he let me talk. "You weren't even here, Natsume. How is that your fault? The school sends you on those assignments. If anyone's to blame, it's them for having a stupid system. You saved me, that's all that matters."

He pried my hand off his mouth. "Not before they tortured you."

I dropped my gaze to my feet for a moment, controlling my own emotions before looking back up at him. "What happened was nothing short of shitty. But it's not your fault. My dad's death wasn't your fault. Nothing that has happened to me is your fault. I'm sorry for acting like it was."

His eyes searched my face, but when he didn't say anything, I clapped my hands together, heaving a sigh that rolled some of the weight off my shoulders, and smiled at him. "So we can either keep ignoring each other and playing the blame game, or we can help each other. Because I do need your help. Mr. Narumi says I have a lot of healing to do, and I need you to help. And I know you need some help, too. You don't have to admit it, though. When you come up with a plan to get Youichi, I'll help you in any way that I can."

"Youichi wasn't your fault."

I fought the onslaught of tears that rushed to my eyes. "That one was my fault. But I do want to make up for it. I'll help you."

"You're never coming in contact with the Organization again," he said, so fiercely that I couldn't help but believe him.

I reached up and grabbed his face between my hands, squishing his cheeks. "So serious all the time." I bent down and grabbed his glass from the floor. "You don't need this. Trust me. If me, the big baby, can do without, so can you." I tossed the glass back, cringing at the taste on my tongue.

"You say as you drink it," he said dryly.

"If I drink it, then you can't."

"I have a whole bottle," he pointed out.

I looked around the room. "Are you telling me we could get drunk right now?"

"I thought you said you didn't need it."

"We've been over this. Drinking to help with the grief is different than getting drunk and having a good time." Realizing how bad that sounded, I glared at him before he could comment. "That's not what I meant."

His lips turned up, and it was the most refreshing smirk I'd ever seen. My chest swelled with...relief? Joy?. "Bottle's over there."

I knew he was joking, but I actually considered it for half a second. The part of me that wanted to know what happened if we got drunk and forgot about all of our baggage for a minute. I knew I was already feeling a bit liberated after talking to him. The rational part of me, though, remained loudest. "I don't trust myself alone with you with alcohol in the mix." I meant it as a joke, but there was probably some truth to it. A lot of truth to it.

"Suit yourself."

I took a step backwards, heading for the door, but not ready to take my eyes off of him just yet. The distress I'd heard in his voice when he'd been arguing with Ruka was reason enough to worry. "I know I can tell you not to blame yourself all I want, and you still will, especially when I wasn't helping things. Just know that I don't blame you. I really, truly don't. And I'm here for you. Just don't shut me out." I turned to go, but he stopped me as I reached the door.

"Legs," he said, in his deep baritone voice that made my hair stand on end. I had to take a deep, steadying breath to calm my hormones before I faced him. When I turned back around, he was reaching into one of the drawers of his nightstand and pulling out a large, purple bag.

My eyes lit up as I rushed back over to him, grabbing the bag from his hands. "You got me Mini Eggs? When?"

"Last assignment." Which meant the one when I was kidnapped. It must have been before he'd found out.

I looked up at him, unable to control my grin, and then lunged at him, wrapping my arms around his strong body. "Thanks, Natsume. I'd offer to share with you, but to be honest, I just don't want to. I'm eating this entire bag myself." I detached myself from him enough to smile up at him. "I've missed you. Sorry for being an asshole." Before I could stop myself, I stood up on my tiptoes and planted a kiss on his warm cheek. Electricity shot to my toes, and I turned and ran for the door. "I'll see you in class, okay?"

No sooner had I stepped out of the bedroom was I blinded by a flash of light. I uttered a startled, "Gah!" and shielded my face until the light was gone.

"This is a great shot," I heard Hotaru say.

"Hotaru," Ruka moaned in exasperation. "Is now really the time for that?"

I scowled at Hotaru. "Did you really just take a picture of me leaving Natsume's bedroom?"

"I did," she admitted mildly.

"Delete it," I ordered. "It looks suggestive."

She eyed me. "Is it suggestive?"

I rolled my eyes. "No. We were just talking."

"Hm," she muttered, unconvinced. Ruka mouthed an apology over her head, but I just waved him off.

"Don't do anything with it, okay? I think we can agree that I've been through enough. I don't think I need every girl in this school at my throat."

I did as I had said I would that night. I sat in my bed and ate the entire bag of Mini Eggs. I felt like a big bag of garbage afterwards, but damn, it was worth it.

A/N: Enjoy this long chapter! All you readers who are looking forward to some Natsume/Mikan romance, sit tight because the next three chapters will help to satisfy your little hearts, I hope!