A/N: Happy birthday to me! In celebration, I'm posting the conclusion to "A Period Piece". This second half is my favorite. I hope you enjoy it as much as me!
Emma walked into the sheriff's office greeted by the smell of coffee brewing. She inhaled deeply, enjoying the aroma. On her desk she found fruit and bagels waiting.
Mulan stood to greet her boss. "Good morning, Sheriff Swan! I have brought you breakfast, and took the liberty of preparing some coffee."
Smiling broadly, Emma said, "Thanks!" She gratefully took a bagel and generously spread some cream cheese on it. However, remembering Regina's constant reminder to eat healthier, she took a strawberry and shoved it in her mouth as she poured some coffee into a mug.
Finally taking her seat behind her desk, Emma took a large bite of her bagel and followed it soon after with a sip of hot coffee. She closed her eyes and enjoyed the moment. Hiring Mulan as a deputy was a great idea. She was hard-working, loyal, and thoughtful. It also didn't hurt that, being an early riser, the warrior was the first one in. Emma didn't have to rush to get to work when Mulan was on duty.
Suddenly, the sheriff sat up from her reclined position. She looked down into her mug, which was already half-drained of its contents. Emma brought it to her face and sniffed. It smelled the same. She took a sip, but nothing seemed out of place. She still couldn't place her sudden paranoia about her beverage. The coffee maker sat innocently at the little table, surrounded by the sugar, creamer, napkins and coffee grounds. After staring at the small coffee station, Emma stood up and approached it. Her hand trembled as she reached out. As if in fear that the machine would attack her, she flipped the lid before snapping her arm back. She let out a yelp of surprise when she peeked in.
Mulan rushed to her side. "Emma! What is wrong?" she asked anxiously.
Emma reached her hand in and pulled out a brown, soaked pad. Moist coffee grounds clung to the pad, but most of the grounds fell back into the machine as the "filter" was lifted. "What... the hell... is THIS?!" she asked slowly, using all of her energy not to punch her friend.
The deputy stood defiantly. "We were out of coffee filters. I am aware of your habit of skipping breakfast, so I prepared something for you. I do not see the problem, except I am not cleaning the machine. It was working well until you improperly removed the filter," Mulan stated.
Emma sighed deeply and threw the soiled pad into the trash can. "Just... go to the store and buy new filters. Save the receipt. We can write it off..." As much as she appreciated the gesture, sometimes Mulan could be just too much.
Without another word, Mulan took up her aviator glasses and left. Horseshoes on pavement outside alerted Emma to the deputy's departure.
Sadly, Emma continued with her breakfast while she read her email, the coffee mug standing neglected at the corner of the desk. The sound of familiar clicking disturbed the sheriff from her dull work.
"Miss Swan! It's good to see you eating so healthy! You have fruit that's not drenched in high fructose corn syrup or out of a can!" Regina said proudly.
Emma smiled sheepishly. "It was Mulan. She's so damn observant. She knows I don't eat a good breakfast."
The brunette kissed her girlfriend on the cheek, wiping a few crumbs from Emma's mouth with her thumb. She dropped a file on the desk as she made herself comfortable on the sheriff's lap. "I just came by to give you the forms you requested."
Emma smiled up, closing her eyes and puckering her mouth for a kiss. After waiting a few moments, she opened her eyes to see Regina smirking devilishly. The blonde pouted, nudging the file with her knuckles to acknowledge it's presence. "Well, thanks. I guess," she sighed disappointedly.
Regina let out a laugh, the tone harkening to her days of cruelty. She bent her head down and planted the tender, passionate kiss the other was so eager to receive. She enjoyed watching her partner suffer for attention, even if only for a few moments.
Getting back to her feet, Regina announced, "So, I'll see you for lunch?"
"Of course!" Pleased by the short visit from her lover, Emma grinned and took up the file.
"Em, I'm just going to refill my coffee before I go back to the office."
"No! Don't use that coffee maker..." Emma snapped her head up.
Halfway through refilling, the mayor looked back and asked, "Why?"
Emma looked down, putting fingers to the bridge of her nose. "Mulan used a pad to filter the coffee."
Regina stopped pouring coffee and forcefully slammed the pot back into the machine. Tilting her travel mug into the garbage can, she poured out the coffee. The coffee-stained pad lay face up in the trash, mocking the brunette. "Fire her," she growled warningly.
"She's a good deputy..."
The mayor glared sharply. "Do I look like I give a bother? There are fucking pads everywhere in this town that Aurora and she go. AND THEY LET ALICE PAINT WITH A TAMPON!"
"Alice was so happy..." Emma started, but fire danced dangerously behind the brown eyes. "Okay, fine. I'll talk to Mulan. I sent her out to get real coffee filters."
"Good! I'll have no more of this nonsense!" Regina said, storming out the door.
Sighing angrily, Emma took up the mug again and took a long draft of the cooled beverage. She let out a groan, then rushed over go the garbage can to spit out the coffee. Sputtering and coughing, she wiped her mouth with a napkin, determined to not let Mulan or Aurora catch her unaware again.
Ruby let out a loud groan as she plopped herself into the driver's seat of the cruiser.
Raising an eyebrow behind her aviator glasses, Mulan questioned, "Was it that difficult to get into the car?"
The other woman glared while she started the car and growled as she pulled out of the parking lot. A few minutes into the patrol, Ruby sighed heavily. "I'm sorry, Mulan. It's just that Belle and I had a fight. Okay, so it wasn't so much of a fight as me snipping at her for nothing. Between Wolfstime and Shark Week, I don't know how she puts up with me sometimes."
"Shark Week?"
The wolf smiled weekly. "You know. That time of the month, where I just want to bite someone's head off and..."
"Ah!" the warrior nodded knowingly. "I usually crave meat when it is my ladies' time."
"I just started surfing the crimson wave. I guess I'll feel better in 5-7 days."
"Until then, you must tame the blood demon!" the soldier annouced, holding a finger in the air.
"Sometimes I feel like my uterus is crying red tears of loneliness."
Mulan grimaced. "It is better than the alternative. I would rather have my red package delivered than a bun in the oven."
"It certainly MAXI-es my energy."
"I am sure you ALWAYS recover well."
"True, though it's hard to keep a CAREFREE attitude when Aunto Flo is visiting."
"And I like my current BODYFORM. I am able to hold myself with proper POISE."
The two women looked at each other and laughed at their ability to keep up with what the other was thinking.
"So, I heard about the coffee filter thing. Regina was livid!" Ruby commented once they calmed down.
The other deputy shrugged. "It did the job well. It is the leading brand in absorbency."
Ruby let out a howl of laughter. "I wish I could've seen her face! It must've been a PEARL."
"I did not. You should ask the sheriff. But I am glad that I was able to STAYFREE from the scene," Mulan replied.
Suddenly, Mulan's phone rang. "Deputy Fa," she answered.
"Um, guys? You know I can hear everything you're saying," Emma from the other line. "I was trying to get your attention over the radio but I guess you didn't hear me."
Reaching over for the radio mouthpiece, Ruby saw that it had been improperly placed causing the button to be held down. She picked it up and said into the radio, "Sorry, Em."
Emma replied over the radio, "It's okay. My dad ran off a while ago. Something about needing more garlic for a new recipe Mulan gave him... Really, I think you guys scared him away."
Mulan put her phone back into her pocket and took the mouthpiece from her friend. "I apologize, Sheriff. I did not realize that your father was such a DIVACUP." She winked at Ruby, who let out another laugh.
"It's okay. He'll O.B. Fine."
The two deputies laughed hysterically.
"Just give him until SUMMER'S EVE," Ruby said.
"We were just PLAYTEXing around," Mulan added. Again, another bout of laughter came over the women.
Ruby drove into the parking lot of the sheriff's office. She had been so engrossed in the conversation that she had not paid any attention during patrol. By habit, she drove along the route until they returned.
Once the two entered the office, they found Emma sitting at her desk and grinning. "Did you have a good patrol?"
"It was uneventful, though I was just going with the flow of things," Mulan answered.
The three laughed again. "You guys are too much, but now I want a fat, juicy burger. Let's go to Granny's," Ruby suggested. Still holding her keys in her hand, she led the group back out to the car.
As they were exiting, they ran into David who was just returning.
"We're going to Granny's. Want me to grab you something?" Emma asked her father.
Unable to meet any of the women's gaze, he replied, "No, thanks. I'll be fine. Don't forget your coat...ex." He laughed to himself and rushed back into the building.
Emma stood still and shook her head while her friends laughed at the prince's comeback. "I'm going to pretend that didn't happen..." the sheriff sighed.
"Ugh!" Ruby grunted when she fell to the floor. Mulan held out a hand to her friend, which she reluctantly took to stand up. She rubbed her hip slightly and stretched her neck out to the side, cracking the joints.
"I apologize, Ruby. I did not mean to hit you so hard as to 'knock you on your ass,' as you would say," the warrior expressed, though she wore a haughty grin.
The other scowled, and took her fighting stance again. "Don't be sorry. I SWEAR I'll hit you once! Come at me again!" she threatened.
Mulan raised an eyebrow but did as she was told. Since Emma talked Regina into letting the sheriff's office have their own personal gym, Ruby and Mulan had taken to weekly sparring practice. It kept Mulan's fighting skills sharp while teaching the waitress at the same time. However, the wolf had yet to make contact with the soldier's superb hand-to-hand combat abilities.
The two exchanged blows a few more times, and Mulan blocked Ruby successfully. A bead of sweat slowly rolled down the challenger's determined face. The warrior went for Ruby with a left hook, but Ruby blocked it. Somehow, her counter move landed squarely on Mulan's shoulder.
Ruby jumped back and squealed with excitement. "YES! I got you! In your FACE!" she exclaimed happily.
Mulan shrugged. "Actually, it was my shoulder but it shows that you are improving."
Someone clapped from the doorway. "Very impressive, Ruby!" the voice called out. David was leaning against the doorframe, watching the exchange. Since Mulan had joined the force, he was able to take more time off from deputying and spending more time helping around town and at home. He had heard about the new workout room from his daughter and was interested to see what the newest employee to.
"Prince David!" Mulan said loudly. She stood at erect before bowing low in respect.
Taking himself from the wall's support, the man held his hands up and said, "You really don't have to. David is fine. I just wanted to watch. I heard you guys had sparring practice every week." He looked interested between the two women.
Despite standing up straight again, Mulan averted her eyes. "Yes. How long were you standing there?" she asked hesitantly. She had fought before many different people, including the emperor himself. However, the father of the Savior seemed quite intimidating at the moment for the skilled woman. She felt a sudden wave of self-consciousness.
"Oh, not long," he replied. "But, now that I'm here, I was wondering… Would you mind?" He held his arms out, motioning around him.
Ruby let out a chuckle. "Be my guest, your highness." She emphasized his title mockingly. Though he was royalty, she doubted that he would be any match for Mulan. She took off her boxing gloves and tossed them to David, who put them on. He took off his shoes and put them under a nearby chair.
Slightly reddening, Mulan said, "O-of course!" She knew she was good, but at the same time she didn't want to embarrass her employer's father. Yet, the last thing she wanted was to be bested by a man, which she had fought for so long against.
Feeling conflicted, she got into her fighting stance as did he. They circled each other a few times. He tapped his boxing glove against Mulan's a few times before throwing a right jab at her.
The soldier may have quick reflexes, but she had just barely dodged the blow. Adrenaline rushed through her veins. This was the type of training she had longed for. Ruby was still a tough fighter, but David the formal training, even if very briefly. Forgetting her previous embarrassment, she simply longed for a good spar.
Mulan started returning punches as the prince deflected, blocked and dodged the attacks. He too came at her with strikes. Their movements grew faster and faster. Ruby's watched the two fighters in awe, her eyes large and enthralled.
When David attempted to kick Mulan, she came at him with a whole new style of fighting. She expertly blocked and countered his kick with her own. Unable to control herself, she sent a knee into his chest. As he leaned back in astonishment, her left hook caught him right in the face. It wasn't until she looked down at her blood-splattered glove did she realize the damage she did.
"PRINCE! I humbly beg your forgiveness!" she prostrated, bowing down low.
Ruby rushed over with a towel and handed it to the injured man. "Let me get some ice to stop the bleeding!" she said before hastily stepping out of the room.
David threw off his gloves and held his head back, the towel up to his nose. "No, it's okay. That was a good one, Mulan," he smiled, but the pain of muscle movements in his face caused him to wince. "I'll be okay. I don't think it's broken." He sat down on a chair, pinching his nose with the towel and leaning his head back to try to stop the bleeding.
The warrior ran to her duffle bag in the corner. Quickly, she returned to the prince and took him by the head. "Do not worry, your highness. I shall fix this," she informed him. Before he could say anything, Mulan held a cardboard tube against his nostril and pushed up. He yelled out in astonishment as he felt cotton being shoved into his cavity.
"Okay, here's the…." Ruby said as she returned. She stopped where she was when she saw the string hanging from his nose. "Mulan… You DIDN'T….!"
The woman was wiping blood from the man's face with the towel, satisfied that the bleeding had stopped. "You know, when experiencing a bloody nose, the best action is to lean forward in order to encourage the blood to clot. Otherwise, you may accidentally inhale the blood into your airways," she instructed him.
Ignoring the advice, David asked, "She didn't what?" He spun around to look at the mirrored wall. When he saw what was in his nose, he fainted. Luckily, Mulan was still standing next to him and eased him down to the floor.
Ruby went to the man's side, trying not to laugh at the sight. "Mulan! I think you have a problem!"
Mulan looked up at her friend confused. "Is this not what they were made for? To collect blood?"
"I know, but… Not like THIS! What do you think Emma, or even Snow will say?" Ruby said. Despite herself, she took her phone out of her pocket and snapped a quick picture. She tapped a couple of times on her phone before placing it securely back into her pocket. "I'm going to regret that…" she muttered to herself as she held the ice to David's nose. The tampon may have stopped the flow of blood, but she still wanted to constrict the veins and let the blood clot on its own.
Feeling the ice on his face, David woke up with a gasp. "What happened?" he asked. When he reached for his nose, feeling the coldness of the ice and the sore from the blow, he reoriented himself. "Oh, yeah… Thanks, Ruby."
Mulan helped David into a sitting position. He took hold of the ice and held it. "Head down," she reminded. He pointed his head down as he pressed the cold pack to his nose. "Again, I am very, VERY sorry for injuring you," the warrior said, in a low bow on her knees.
He put his hand on her, causing her to sit up again. "Please, don't. I'm just glad that you didn't hold back."
Suddenly, the front door of the office burst open. Angry footsteps were heard down the hallway. "Ruby! What in the hell is going on?" Emma shouted as she stormed into the workout room.
The sheriff observed the scene before her. Ruby, David, and Mulan were all on the floor. The two women sat on either side of her father, who had an ice pack to his nose and a string hanging from his nostril.
"We were… sparring. Mulan got me pretty good. Don't worry. It's just a bloody nose. I'll be fine," David said.
Emma walked over and yanked the tampon out of David's nose. When he saw the bloodied piece of cotton, he fainted again. Ruby and Mulan caught him, easing him to the floor again.
When she had received the picture and rushed to the office, Emma was furious. But when she actually saw her father with a tampon in his nose surrounded by her friends, she didn't know what to think. Seeing him faint from the sight of an almost-properly used tampon, she exploded into a fit of giggles. Ruby joined her, and eventually so did Mulan.
"He is NEVER going to live this down!" Emma laughed. After disposing of the cotton, she pulled out her phone. She forwarded the picture to her mother, Regina, and her friends' girlfriends. "Mulan, I'm really glad you came to Storybrooke," she smiled.
The warrior smiled back, looking at her two newest friends. "I too am glad to be here. Thank you."
A/N: Note - I borrowed a line (about Regina not giving a bother) from WitchyLove14's "Adventures with Cora Mills" ch 22. If you haven't read it yet... DISHONOR ON YOU! DISHONOR ON YOUR COW! It's pretty much the funniest thing ever written, and partially what inspired me to write a crack fic.
Please review! And keep up with "The Shattered Looking Glass"! It hurts so good...