He can feel him holding his breath, not knowing which way this is going to go, he doesn't know himself.
"Brendan?"
There's anger rising in your gut, that old familiar feeling of fire in the pit of your stomach. He was a drug dealer for Trevor Royle, five little words that he knows will have destroyed Stevens's life, the life where he was on his own, on his own because of you.
He's suddenly aware of Steven pulling himself up and out from under the covers, sitting next to him with a look of pure shame on his face.
"Say something. You're disappointed in me aren't you, I knew you would be, I'm so stupid"
You still can't say anything, you're searching his eyes. He's taking the silence as confirmation.
"I knew it"
Steven says as he jumps up, making towards his clothes that have ended up pilled on the floor. Suddenly the jumbled thoughts in your head start to fall into line. Steven, drugs, a world in which he should never have had a place in, your old world and Trevor Fucking Royle.
Stevens got his jeans on, he seems to have blocked everything out for a few seconds because all of a sudden he can make out he's talking a mile a minute.
"Fucking stupid Ste, drugs, a drug dealer, what the fuck where you thinking, yeah Brendan that's me"
Suddenly he's out of the bed and grabbing him.
"Steven. Steven, STOP."
He acting frantic, concentrating on the job at hand getting himself dressed, he pushes past you and out into the hall. Fuck. He throws his joggers on, grabbing the t-shirt off the floor.
"Steven!" He's yelling across room trying to get him to stop, he's at the sofa putting on his shoes, he takes the opportunity of him sitting down to fall to the floor in front of him, pulling at his hands to make him stop.
"I don't think you're stupid, I have never once thought that about you, that's not gonna change"
"You're angry, I can see it Brendan, you're disappointed"
"Yes I'm angry" He misinterprets what you are trying to say, grabbing his hands back.
You can't help but raise your voice.
"I'm angry at me, not you, I left you Steven, I fucking left you! In my head, the way I survived in there, the only way I could face every single day was thinking you were ok, that I did the right thing."
There's anguish on his face.
"Well I wasn't, I wasn't ok nothing was" He falls back against the sofa in defeat.
He sits up to join him, if he will let you. He does.
Both of you sit there in silence for a few moments, you trying to make space in your head for what you know is to come and Steven wanting to delay for a long as possible the things you need to know.
"I wanted to buy the club"
You turn to him, confusion on your face.
"Chez Chez?"
"Yeah, it was for sale, you put it up for sale I guess, I needed the money to buy it"
This makes no sense to you, the club?
"I don't understand. Why? Why did you want the club? If I knew you wanted it Steven I wouldn't have put it up for sale, I'd have given it to you. You could have had it."
He lets out a sigh.
"How did I know that, huh? One day you were there Brendan, with me, we had a life and the next….."
He takes a minute, you want to take his face into your hands, kiss him and make this stop, tell him it doesn't matter, but you know you have to hear it, all of it, no matter if it leaves broken bits of both of you in its aftermath.
"It's all I had left, it was like you were never there. As soon as you were gone people in that fucking village acted like you never existed. The police, they took all your things from the flat, do you know that?"
No, no you didn't, but of course they did. You can see it now Steven screaming at them to leave your things alone, desperately trying to hold onto them and the police walking through the life you both had, destroying it bit by bit. The coffee cup you left on the kitchen counter that morning, shirts on the bed that Steven was going to wash, the kids toys in front of the sofa, that last picture Leah drew for you both proudly displayed on the fridge, you see it all now and him, there, in the middle of it all, alone.
It's killing you.
He continues on.
"Chez left really quickly after to start her new life with Nate" He looks at you.
"But I guess that's one thing you did know"
You nod, there's no point denying it, you desperately wanted her out of that village so that she could be happy.
"Yeah, good for her huh"
The bitterness in his voice is ugly.
"Perfect little Cheryl just walked away to her perfect little life. See yah Ste nice knowing ya, couldn't care less what happens to you now."
Steven laughs.
You take a depth breath in. When she told you she was leaving to be with Nate it calmed you knowing that she was doing what you wanted, needed her to do, live her life and forever be out of the shadow of that man. But here and now Stevens telling you different, like you she left him to be all alone. There's no point in trying to make him see it any other way because right now you can see it through his eyes and all you can see is pain.
"It's like that club was all I had left, you know. I'd stand outside and look up at it and a thousand memories would come into my head. The yard where I conned you into a job, the side door you pinned me up against cause you were angry at me for something I'd done, the balcony you'd stand on just to get a look at me, yeah I know you used to do that"
He smiles as though the memory is his little secret.
You look at him.
"I wasn't as smooth at it as I thought then"
"Nah Brendan, you really weren't"
You smile back.
"I broke in, not long after that night"
You can see it now, inappropriately, a happy memory of the countless times he'd done it before, getting in through the fire escape sneaking into your office and waiting for you, you'd chastise him on his scally ways before taking him over your desk.
"I walked around remembering all the good and the bad stuff, lot of memories."
He stops for a second.
"I got into your office"
"Always had that skill Steven"
You can't help yourself. He smirks at the shared memory.
"I sat at your desk just trying to feel you, you know, try to have something to take the pain away"
There's tears threating to fall on his eyelashes.
"Steven" It's said with pain.
"I just sat there crying, never felt so alone. Pathetic huh"
You can't take it anymore the shear sense of loss that's radiating around him, the tears that have fallen, you don't care if he pushes you away as you pull him into your arms and hold him.
"I'm so so sorry" You whisper into his hair.
"I would do anything…."
He pulls away not letting you continue.
"So yeah, that's why I wanted it, because it was the only thing I had left of you. I needed the money and Trevor gave me a way to make it, so I took it."
You jump in.
"Drugs Steven, the club and the memories of me are not worth that, never worth that."
"But they were Brendan, to me they were."
Your thoughts are racing a mile a minute.
"But you didn't buy it, I know it wasn't you"
"Yeah well, surprise surprise turns out Trevor is a lot like you, always keeping his dealers under the thumb, I never stood a chance. But you'd know that. So yeah I never got the club and got in far too deep and in the end I had to claw my way out."
"What happened?" You want to punish yourself.
"Things weren't going my way, running too many risks, pissing Trevor off, I'm pretty sure you can guess. I packed it in when I caught myself taking it instead of selling it once"
"Jesus Steven" You raise your hand and tilt his face towards you.
"You took it? Please please tell me it was only that one time, please Steven" Your voice is desperate, this, you never ever thought of this.
"Yeah luckily it was, never hated myself more. Finally that useless scally everyone thought I was."
You hate him saying that, you tell him by placing a soft kiss on his lips.
As you pull away you hold his head in your hands.
"If I could I would change it all, you know that. But along the way I've realised I can't, I did these things, things happened because of me. You the life I left you with is my fault, and I will make it right, all of it if you let me. I promise you Steven, my promise to you is that I will spend every second of every day making it right."
You seal that promise with a kiss.